What are you working on right now in your recovery?
 

Me? Separating the past from the present. Teaching myself to interrupt my knee-jerk reactions to things that happen (reactions left over from my marriage to an A) and seeing things that happen for what they are in this new context -- not the old one.

Examples?
Middle Child has a temper. AXH could never calmly handle that but always tried to out-tantrum her. So I have this knee-jerk reaction that whenever Middle Child has a tantrum, I go into Defend-Her Mode. I caught myself literally backing up toward her and facing my New Man as if I would have to defend her against him. And then I realized -- wait, he's an adult who's actually acting like one; I don't need to defend her against him.

Or --
New Man borrowed money from me (yeah it was probably a codie thing to offer, but I'm working on it, I'm not perfect, OK?) and said "I will pay it back when I get back to town on the 18th." Then I talked to him today and his screwball employer had decided to change the schedule for paying their workers from weekly to biweekly -- and he won't get paid the Friday before the 18th. So he was asking if it was OK if he paid me back the following Friday, when he gets paid for two weeks.

And I Totally. Freaked. Out. Shut down emotionally. Because here's what was happening in my mind: JUST LIKE AXH, New Man was lying to me and changing his story as it was convenient to him. He's ripping me off. He's probably lying about the whole "changed pay schedule" thing. He's never going to pay me back. He's a jerk. He's a loser ******* I should never have allowed back in my life... HEY! Where did that "back" come from? Ha! I think we have us a clue: I wasn't thinking of New Man -- I was interpreting his words as if they had come out of the mouth of AXH!

So that's what I'm working on. Contextualizing what happens to me so that I know that I react appropriately, to what is happening right now, and not extrapolating intentions from the behavior of perfectly reasonable people based on what AXH's behavior would have meant, had it been HIM behaving that way...

I'm working on living in the moment, rather than be distracted by my Issues. I'm also trying to find a therapist in town who is both available and costs less than $130! And being patient with myself. And recognizing Drama, so I can stay away from it.

- Sylvie

I'm working on living in the moment too! I've got some things going on that I have difficulty not jumping into the future, and then I start worrrying.

I must remember that all I have is the moment right in front of me. It makes things so much easier to cope with! :)

One of the biggest things I'm struggling with at the moment is comparing myself to others and finding myself lacking. I need to continue my work at making myself the best person I can be, and not compare my intelligence, looks, humor, caring, anything, to others.

Hugs, HG

Hi, i'm very new here and these forums are getting me through the day when i am at work and can't get to a meeting until later.
I have 6 days today.

Right now, everything seems so huge; i'm going through a painful detox, physically but also mentally and emotionally. I am in a relationship with an alcoholic who is not ready for recovery, and may never be.

So, right now i am working on just taking things one hour at a time, and going to meetings and staying sober; in other words, concentrating on my own recovery even if that means i don't see my boyfriend and many of my friends.
In other words, trying not to be a "codie".

I'm working on putting my recovery above EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else.

That's the best thing that we can do for ourselves! I can relate to taking it one hour at a time. When I was stressing at the end of my last semester of college, I shaved it down to 5 minutes at a time!

That definitely helps keep those feelings of being overwhelmed at bay. You're doing great, gal! :hug:

Thanks for this reality check.
I am working on letting go...of my AH. It helps to think that the man I love is dead and gone. Not hoping for a miracle to occur every time I see him. This means going NC. I have been able to (1 week 6 days so far..not the longest we have gone NC but I feel so much more determined to stay that way now-for my own good) but still think about him WAY TOO MUCH.
Letting go of things. I need to purge my house of things I have held onto for years. I seem to develop emotional attachments to many things. Its not healthy.
Letting Go of anxiety when I don't know what a loved one is doing or thinking. It's none of my business! They will let me know when they want me to know.
Letting Go of excuses for why I can't or shouldn't do things. It helps if I just keep moving. Whatever gets done gets done. Better than spending hours trying to plan what to do.

This is a great thread!!! I'm working on a couple of things... in no particular order...

- Humility and removing my self-righteous attitude. I'm learning that I have dominated a lot of my relationships, personal and professional, with my "know it all" attitude. I don't mean to come across as bossy... so I have been working on keeping my mouth shut instead of sticking my 2 cents in... and I realized I just that simple act of "zippin' it"... takes alot of work!!

- I am learning to take it easy and that I am right where I need to be. Even if it seems like all hell is breaking loose, I accept that God has a plan for me and that there has to be something he's trying to teach me or show me! By accepting life on life's terms I have found that my need to control is rapidly diminishing... it's so amazing... but it works if you work it :-)


I'm so grateful for where I have come in my recovery program! Our 3yr old son split his forehead wide open the other night. It was NOT GOOD. There was lots of tears and screaming, and chaos... until Mommy strapped on her Al-anon toolbelt! I was so grateful for those tools... to help me settle down, focus on what I could control, what I needed to do, and not get sucked up insanity!! I was able to find peace and gratitude - in what was a very crazy situation! It was amazing to see my son respond to my peace... he sat calmly through 5 stitches! The docs and nurses were in awe of him... I was so proud of how calm and brave he was.

I love my program... I love who I am becoming as a person. I'm learning to drop my defensive mechanisms (particularly sarcarsm!)... and learning to become a kinder and gentler person. I have found tremendous compassion for all God's creatures!

Lots more work to do - but seeing the progress makes me keep comin' back!

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

I'm understanding that my connection to HP (in my terms, The Source), is paramount for every moment of every day. I am realizing, more and more, when I begin disconnecting, so that I can reconnect. Sometimes, that disconnection starts in a very minute way and I am learning to be on guard to recognize it at its beginning so I can reinforce the connection, whatever it takes.

Boundaries. Still working on not being a glorified babysitter for a 40 year old, and not even getting paid! Frankly that crap deserves a three figure salary.

Amen, Ponder.

I used to, too. And I don't know what changed. I purged stuff like I was paid by the garbage bag after I left AXH. It was freeing -- like I was dumping sand bags out of an air balloon to be able to fly higher...

Thank you all for the reminders.

This is a beautiful example of how our own recovery affects our children! My sponsor often reminded me as I was raising my two daughters that my children were a good gauge of where I was at in my recovery.

Thanks so much for sharing a huge positive in pursuing our own recovery!

Not reacting.

I'm working on thinking things through and finding out if it's appropriate to have any kind of reaction whatsoever. Usually no reaction is appropriate. I'm so used to flying around putting out fires, I make everything a fire!

No reaction. Not stuffing, either. Just thinking things through.

I’m working on trying to calm down. I’m in super-early recovery- day 31 of No Contact with XABF. I am very skittish and emotional at times, still. I come here to read wisdom and I get scared sometimes at how far I have to go. Like when I read GettingBy’s post on this thread, and she/you said that you are working on humility and overcoming a self-righteous attitude- Total panic: “Oh my God! I am going to have to do THAT too?!? AAHHHH! There’s SO MUCH!” So, yeah, I’m just trying to re-center into “day at a time” thinking and positivity for now. It's like the concept of target-fixation: you drive toward what you look at. I have a habit of staring at the negative and that’s where I go. I am trying to consciously stare at the positive. Meredith's post just reminded me to make that positive thing, at least some of the time, my HP. Thanks for saying that Meredith.
I need to say "OM" more.

I am working on having fun, allowing my daughter and myself to be human, make mistakes, laugh a lot. As someone once said here, allowing ourselves to be visible, tangible, noisy, energetic, etc.

Thanks for the thread!

Yeah, great thread. I've been thinking about what I'm doing right now, what I'm working on about myself.

I am continuing to work on doing what I can about a situation and living with uncertainty about the ultimate outcome. Letting go of it, at least until my next step becomes clear. I like to swoop in on a problem and fix it instantly. God is giving me many FGEs (Friggin' Growth Experiences) in which I can work on these impulses that lead to hasty decisions, wasting time, and wasting energy.

I am working on my own tendency to second-guess myself, and to assume that other people's judgments of me are correct. (Note that I DO need to keep an open mind that some criticisms may be valid.) It's hard to strike the right balance.

I'm working on being less selfish, and taking more interest in other people.

I'm working on applying the tools I've gained in dealing with my son to the OTHER relationships in my life.

I'm working on NOT jumping in to manage, fix, help, solve, advise, whatever. I'm working on learning where my boundaries are, not only with my RAS, but with other people. My recovery program has shown me that my issues spill over into many places in my life, not just with my son.

Great thread! :-)

Great Thread! I'm working on living in the moment and not trying to predict the future with my AH. He says he can drink occasionally ,and that he's not an alcoholic. I'm wanting recovery for him, but he's not wanting it for himself. Trying to have no expectations of him or others, but stay true to myself in what I'm wanting for me. Also, working on setting boundaries, especially with him and our daughter, who is a single mom. Realizing that calm, peaceful, positive people are the people I want to have relationships with and not worrying about letting friends go who are angry, sarcastic, or judgmental. Trying to listen to my HP and what the plan is for my life.

AWESOME THREAD!! :a122::a122:

I am working on keeping it in the day. I want to keep it in the 24 hours I have ahead of me and not project or worry about the future. For me this is very hard because I am a big planner in Life.