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sad guilty slippery thoughts

Old 07-07-2011, 04:44 PM
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sad guilty slippery thoughts

i broke up with my alcoholic bf last week. we had broken up before but drifted back together, both of us are socially isolated and life has felt so painful, like it has such big gaping holes in it when we have broken up in the past.

it's the right decision and him getting drunk on my birthday (he is in AA, but really still actively drinking) seems like it was partly his decision too. but i find myself feeling terribly guilty about it. not guilty about breaking up, but about not being able to accept him as he was and for making him feel bad about himself, as if he was not living up to my expectations. i wasn't overtly nagging all the time, but was filled with so much fear, suspicion, and hesitation about being in the relationship at all that for some reason now i feel that was incredibly unfair and mean.

why am i blaming myself for this? i feel as though i am still hooked precisely because he did not give me what i wanted. it's so much easier to revel in these bad, guilty feelings than to take a step forward. i would love a pep talk.
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Old 07-07-2011, 05:14 PM
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Hi Jenny and welcome!

I know you are feeling sad about losing him. He is still a person, just a person with a terrible disease that only gets worse. But you did the right thing! When you love someone, you can't just love bits and peices of them and hate the other parts. Especially when the bad parts are really bad and they entail alcohol addiction. Its usually a package deal. For me, active alcoholism is a deal breaker, I don't care how great the person is. That is too risky of a deal for me. Don't beat yourself up about the nagging. Until he decides to recover, he can't have a healthy relationship with anyone. Not you or the next girl. Take this time to work on you and what you want for your future
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Old 07-07-2011, 05:21 PM
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You have every right to not be in a relationship with someone who isn't right for you. That doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make him a bad person. It only means the two of you are not compatible at this point in time. Breaking up with someone who isn't right for you is far kinder than trying to manipulate them into being who you want them to be.

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Old 07-07-2011, 05:27 PM
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Hi Jenny69 glad you found us.

I have a favorite saying "this to shall pass" and it will. You can't beat up on yourself for something that you didn't create, be kind to yourself this is his disease you didn't give it to him.
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Old 07-08-2011, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by jenny69 View Post
not guilty about breaking up, but about not being able to accept him as he was
Perhaps you breaking up is you finally accepting him as he is, rather than trying to change him into something he isn't that you want him to be?


I know it's hard.
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Old 07-08-2011, 07:23 AM
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Jenny, ((((hugs))))

Breaking up sucks. I have recently split from my wife of 36 years. She has been an active addict the last 15 of them. Something important to remember about this disease.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

He will get better when he is ready to get better. What you can do is work on fixing yourself. I can tell you that I picked up truck loads of emotional baggage from living with an AW. I'm am willing to bet you are carrying around your fare share also. Try al-anon and continue to post here. It really really helps.

You are not alone any more, welcome to the SR family. We know what you are going through because we either are going through it also or have gone through it.

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Old 07-08-2011, 08:04 AM
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I understand the guilt. I have some of that, myself, just for thinking about leaving my AW. I can't help but think that I'm obligated to stick it out to the bitter end and go down with her, but my practical side says get out while I can.

It's an inner struggle, to be sure.

Good luck, and be well.
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