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Old 07-07-2011, 10:02 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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My mother said just recently, that she needed to completely let go of her AS, walk away, close the door. For in doing that, he may finally fall, all the way into God's waiting arms. That is the prayer that gives us hope.
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Old 07-07-2011, 11:23 PM
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I don't know if anyone else feels this, but what would she do without me? She doesn't have a job and could get hurt.
I get that. We've all felt responsible for our alcoholics. The thing is, if you weren't there to save her -- would she maybe have to save herself? That is, however, a generic alcoholic-related statement, and I seriously agree with the posters who suggest that she might need psychiatric evaluation.

You were supposed to be her MAN. Not her CARETAKER and Picking Upper Of The Utter Misery She Creates.
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Old 07-08-2011, 05:32 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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marsaray,

Welcome to SR... there is a lot of collective wisdom and experience here... try to divorce your emotions from the equation and realize that doing the same things are going to produce the same results.... she will not miraculously get better if you keep enabling and rescuing.

If you set boundaries and allow her problems to become HER problems she has a chance to get better. Not everyone gets better ... this is where you have to turn this over to your HP (if you are not a praying person then turn it over to "fate or the universe"...

If she is in danger of harming herself or you feel she needs psychiatric evaluation dial 911 and have the authorities take her into custody.

That was straight advice instead of sharing my experience... my AH relapsed after almost 1 year sober and I had set CLEAR boundaries and acted on that. I tried to take him to detox and he refused and I left him outside in front of the building. I packed his things and put them in storage. He raged and hated and drank like a fish for over 2 weeks in motels. Today he is sober and begging to let him come home. It is the first time he has ever been able to stop drinking in 20 years without being in a detox facility or jail cell.

He is not coming home ... I set boundaries. NOw he needs to solve his own problems and create a new life minus my involvement. He has paid a huge price for his poor judgement and he is thinking about that right now... he destroyed our relationship but it may have saved his life.

Don't cripple her ... let her have the dignity of solving her own problems. If she truly can't then call the appropriate authorities or have her Baker or Marchman Acted.

Please find some Alanon meetings for yourself and keep coming back! Good luck.
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Old 07-08-2011, 08:32 AM
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Hi I'm sure glad you're here.
I know these ideas may be a little hard to understand, but if you look at the 12 steps of the program, it simplifies it substantially.

Step 1- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanagible.

That should be pretty easy to do at this point, all though for some it does take more than the wife eating and peeing on the floor while drunk.
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Old 07-08-2011, 09:16 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by raininginoregon View Post
My mother said just recently, that she needed to completely let go of her AS, walk away, close the door. For in doing that, he may finally fall, all the way into God's waiting arms. That is the prayer that gives us hope.
That really touched me. Thank you for sharing that!
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Old 07-08-2011, 10:22 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I can relate to some of what you're going through, though my AW hasn't peed on the floor yet, and hasn't tried to kill herself. She does take a cocktail of anti-depressent drugs, all of which say not to mix with alcohol. She's fallen several times while drunk, recently breaking her ankle.

I also understand your feelings about leaving her alone. My AW is technically disabled, and refuses to do housework. (Her disability is psychiatric) If left alone, there's no telling what would happen. On the other hand, if she refuses to get help, am I obligated to stay and watch her destroy herself?

I hope your wife gets help. Keep posting... there are people here who can give you good advice.
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Old 07-09-2011, 02:18 PM
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hi and welcome-

i have to agree that what you've described, in my opinion, goes beyond drinking....she sounds mentally unbalanced.

i had a friend who behaved like your wife...she finally was diagnosed as bi-polar and was under the treatment of a team of psychiatrists...

that didn't stop her tho...all she ended up doing was her meds PLUS the drink...

i finally had to walk away...

what i have learned is that many addicts are quite resourceful...we think they will not survive without our help but in my experience, once i walked away, i was quickly replaced by the next eager enabler...
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:20 PM
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Well she is going psycho again, I tried boundary setting and now all she does is ask if I'm leaving her over and over again.
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:25 PM
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When you say you tried boundary setting, what boundaries did you set?
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
When you say you tried boundary setting, what boundaries did you set?
I told her that if she didn't try to recover from her alcoholism as hard as she could then I would leave her.
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:39 PM
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Okay, well, that's not a boundary. That's more like a rule for her. Boundaries are for you. They don't require another person to do anything differently. Some examples of boundaries would be...

I refuse to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
I won't be around her if she is drinking.
I won't clean up her messes.
If she starts acting "psycho" again, I will remove myself from the situation.

Boundaries are "I" statements and sort of like deals you make with yourself on how you will deal with the situation. They don't require her to do anything different than she would ordinarily do. After all, she has the right to drink if that's what she wants to do. On the other hand, you have the right to decide what you will and will not live with. You cannot control her or what she does, but you can control yourself and how you deal with it.
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:42 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Okay, well, that's not a boundary. That's more like a rule for her. Boundaries are for you. They don't require another person to do anything differently. An example of a boundary would be...

I refuse to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
I won't be around her if he is drinking.
I won't clean up her messes.
If she starts acting "psycho" again, I will remove myself from the situation.

Boundaries are "I" statements and sort of like deals you make with yourself on how you will deal with the situation. They don't require her to do anything different than she would ordinarily do. After all, she has the right to drink if that's what she wants to do. On the other hand, you have the right to decide what you will and will not live with. You cannot control her or what she does, but you can control yourself and how you deal with it.
Thank you so so much, I wish I could give you a giant hug.
I think I'll have to wait till she's more sober to do this or she won't understand, but I really thank you so much. It's been a terrifying day.
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:46 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Old 07-09-2011, 07:03 PM
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Some boundaries don't need to be communicated, and some are best NOT communicated, especially when the other person is drunk and irrational.

If you need to get away from her because her behavior is upsetting her, go.

That's it, just go. You don't have to explain why you are doing it. It's pretty unrealistic to expect her to change her behavior or to agree with your need to get away from it. The boundary is that you do not stay in a situation that is upsetting you.
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Old 07-09-2011, 10:17 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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wow.

two words.

Leave Now.

Good luck.
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