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Do you mistake kindness for weakness?

Old 07-07-2011, 12:04 PM
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Do you mistake kindness for weakness?

A lot of people I meet mistake my kindness when we first meet as weakness. I am kind to everyone I meet at first because everyone is struggling with some type of personal battle, including myself. I'm not overly obnoxious kind, just pleasant and cheery. They recognize my kindness and begin to mistreat me in some sort of way because they think I'm weak. Maybe they think I'm naive, dumb, whatever it may be. I immediately have to create a boundary of either backing off or standing up for myself. I don't like always having to do this with the majority of people I meet. It gets really frustrating and annoying to always be dodging people's bullets. And then they get pissy that I stood up for myself and label me a b*tch. I am in no way a victim because I never let anyone continue bad behavior towards me. I know I can only control myself. Is there anything I can do to make myself come off less weak right off the bat? Its not my personality to come off as a b*tch. I treat everyone when I meet them equal and with equal kindness. If you push my buttons after that, well that is a different story. Lately I have been very nuetral bc I just don't know how I'm going to come off.

Thanks for listening!
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Old 07-07-2011, 12:17 PM
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Maybe it's just human nature, at least for some, to take advantage of people who are accommodating.

I tend to go out of my way to avoid conflict and drama, so people sometimes perceive that as weakness. My brother-in-law is a perfect example. He's one of those guys who never helps around the house, and always laughed at me because I do most of the housework. He's unemployed right now, and sits on his butt while his wife is out working, then expects her to cook for him when she gets home. I guess, in his mind, he's more of a man because his wife waits on him.

Anyway, I find more peace by not concerning myself so much with how other people behave. I try to be myself, and if other people take advantage, I eventually just avoid them.
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Old 07-07-2011, 12:24 PM
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It's none of my business what other People think of me.

Your friend,
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Old 07-07-2011, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
maybe it has to do with how quickly you let them IN and how close you let them get? i dunno, i am one of the nicest people i know and i've not had the problem you describe. and unless it's a telemarketer, i don't pull the "b!tch" card.....if this seems to be happening a lot, it MAY require some readjustment on your part - we all need a good safe perimeter around us.
Yes and No. There were many people I have met on first days (first day at college, first day of my career at my job) that I have merely said Hi how are you my name is Duq....just introducing myself...and they look at me like I have 9 heads. They immediately become short or rude with me if we have any further communication after that. And they still look at me like I have 9 heads to this day and its been years. We have never been close.

There has also been people that have never met me around my office that I hear through the grapevine, talk negatively about me and all I have ever done to them was smile and say good morning or hold the elevator for them. Maybe some people can't tolerate someone that is in a good mood IDK.

Most of these people are not close to me nor do I let them get close because of their attitudes. I have an OH WELL attitude now because at least I was nice to them first. I have made sure my inner circle appreciates me for who I am.
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Old 07-07-2011, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
It's none of my business what other People think of me.

Your friend,


This is the best thing I have heard all day. Thanks for that.
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Old 07-07-2011, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by duqld1717 View Post
They immediately become short or rude with me if we have any further communication after that. And they still look at me like I have 9 heads to this day and its been years. We have never been close.

There has also been people that have never met me around my office that I hear through the grapevine, talk negatively about me and all I have ever done to them was smile and say good morning or hold the elevator for them. Maybe some people can't tolerate someone that is in a good mood IDK.

Most of these people are not close to me nor do I let them get close because of their attitudes.
I hate to say it, but not everyone on this planet is going to like you. Some people are going to hate you, for no particular reason whatsoever. When I realized this about myself, I was all, "can you imagine not liking me?" (haha) but these are the facts. We can't make everyone happy, and we can't be everyone's friend. I think in a way you get that, but you are still taking it personally that they don't treat you the way you think they should. Expectations.

I have never met you, so I couldn't tell you anything about how you come off when you first meet someone. But I do know, some people are so immersed in their own anger resentment, and bitterness, that is leaks out onto everyone around them.

Be the kind of person you want to be, regardless of what others think or how they respond. Keep your side of the street clean, and all will be well in Duq-world.
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Old 07-07-2011, 04:46 PM
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I've always been baffled when people take a strong dislike to me--sometimes barely knowing me. I think I'm extremely nice, too.

I've concluded a couple of things. Some people are automatically suspicious of niceness--they wonder what you're trying to pull. Nothing you can do about that.

The other thing is that I know in my own case, I've sometimes taken an almost instant dislike to certain people for reasons I find hard to explain. (Note that I'm still nice to them, but it's more of an effort because, well, I don't particularly like them.) One of my pet theories is that sometimes we meet people who unconsciously remind us of someone else we've disliked in the past. It isn't the actual person we are disliking (because we may hardly know them), but they put us off because something about them is a reminder of a bad experience we had with someone else.

I've tried to work hard on not letting it bother me excessively if people aren't especially fond of me. I do get upset if I am treated disrespectfully, but apart from that, I try not to take it to heart.
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Old 07-07-2011, 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
I hate to say it, but not everyone on this planet is going to like you. Some people are going to hate you, for no particular reason whatsoever. When I realized this about myself, I was all, "can you imagine not liking me?" (haha) but these are the facts. We can't make everyone happy, and we can't be everyone's friend. I think in a way you get that, but you are still taking it personally that they don't treat you the way you think they should. Expectations.
Thanks kitty. I think as I get older I am accepting this more and more. I'm the type of person that even if I'm having a bad day, I don't make others pay for it. I always try to keep positive. I use to think if I could be friendly, why can't other people. But I know other people do not operate like that. For the most part I don't care what people think. I pretty much do a good job of blocking negativity out as much as I can. But then I see some people who barely try with other people or they aren't very nice, and people fall all over them. Maybe they are scared of those types of people so they are nicer to them who knows. But that is not me to be mean or cold and it never will be. I'm workin with the tools I was given and I'm happy with that.
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Old 07-07-2011, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I've always been baffled when people take a strong dislike to me--sometimes barely knowing me. I think I'm extremely nice, too.

I've concluded a couple of things. Some people are automatically suspicious of niceness--they wonder what you're trying to pull. Nothing you can do about that.

The other thing is that I know in my own case, I've sometimes taken an almost instant dislike to certain people for reasons I find hard to explain. (Note that I'm still nice to them, but it's more of an effort because, well, I don't particularly like them.) One of my pet theories is that sometimes we meet people who unconsciously remind us of someone else we've disliked in the past. It isn't the actual person we are disliking (because we may hardly know them), but they put us off because something about them is a reminder of a bad experience we had with someone else.

I've tried to work hard on not letting it bother me excessively if people aren't especially fond of me. I do get upset if I am treated disrespectfully, but apart from that, I try not to take it to heart.
Yeah I can relate to this. That is funny you mention that. There is a group of middle aged grumpy/sexist men at my work that are not so friendly towards me when I have to communicate with them. I asked a coworker of mine WTH their problem was with me and he said "you probably remind them of the girl in high school that made fun of them or they couldn't date".

I also agree that most people are suspicious of a friendly person. I'm sure if they aren't use to having nice people in their lives, they would be suspicious. Heck, if someone came up to me and was friendly, I would probably think something was off because I don't run into that many genuinly nice people! It would be like what's wrong with this picture ha.
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Old 07-07-2011, 06:48 PM
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You know who interprets kindness for weakness? Alcoholics and addicts do. It's one of the first signs for them indicating a possible enabler. Here's what happens next:
  1. If they don't have an enabler they quietly pursue you by being the kindest, most wonderful , most romantic person you've ever met. They share secrets with you they've never told anybody, and encourage you to do the same thus tightening the noose. They listen, and they are attentive lovers. In fact, you might even feel it to be "love at first site." Please hold while I puke my guts out. Good ****ing God.
  2. If they currently have an enabler you get put on the list. They'll maintain a friendship with you and start planting seeds for when their current enabler finally stops enabling. When that happens they start watering the seeds, often by comparing you favorably to their current enabler, or using the things you've told them about past boyfriends/girlfriends to behave differently or better-- temporarily. See number one.
  3. If you fail to respond or enable they will then disappear-- they don't have the time or inclination to deal with people who turn out to be healthy, or have the ability to set and enforce boundaries. They need a new enabler right now and they'll find one quickly.

More often than not, that's how it starts.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 07-07-2011, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
You know who interprets kindness for weakness? Alcoholics and addicts do. It's one of the first signs for them indicating a possible enabler. Here's what happens next:
  1. If they don't have an enabler they quietly pursue you by being the kindest, most wonderful , most romantic person you've ever met. They share secrets with you they've never told anybody, and encourage you to do the same thus tightening the noose. They listen, and they are attentive lovers. In fact, you might even feel it to be "love at first site." Please hold while I puke my guts out. Good ****ing God.
  2. If they currently have an enabler you get put on the list. They'll maintain a friendship with you and start planting seeds for when their current enabler finally stops enabling. When that happens they start watering the seeds, often by comparing you favorably to their current enabler, or using the things you've told them about past boyfriends/girlfriends to behave differently or better-- temporarily. See number one.
  3. If you fail to respond or enable they will then disappear-- they don't have the time or inclination to deal with people who turn out to be healthy, or have the ability to set and enforce boundaries. They need a new enabler right now and they'll find one quickly.

More often than not, that's how it starts.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
Yes, thanks been down that road. I don't think I could fall for it twice. Actually there is no way in hell I would fall for that crap twice. I know, never say never. But "Good God" I don't have the energy. Only normies for me from now on. I can spot red flags like a champ now. Funny plot scenario though...pretty spot on.
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Old 07-08-2011, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
maybe it has to do with how quickly you let them IN and how close you let them get? i dunno, i am one of the nicest people i know and i've not had the problem you describe. and unless it's a telemarketer, i don't pull the "b!tch" card.....if this seems to be happening a lot, it MAY require some readjustment on your part - we all need a good safe perimeter around us.
Aw, Anvil, I just try to remember those telemarketers are just making their livings and paying their bills and raising their kids like you and me. Ive found a way to respect them and respect my time, too. It's not their fault their employer uses the tactics they do. They get on my nerves, too.

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Old 07-08-2011, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
You know who interprets kindness for weakness? Alcoholics and addicts do. It's one of the first signs for them indicating a possible enabler. Here's what happens next:
  1. If they don't have an enabler they quietly pursue you by being the kindest, most wonderful , most romantic person you've ever met. They share secrets with you they've never told anybody, and encourage you to do the same thus tightening the noose. They listen, and they are attentive lovers. In fact, you might even feel it to be "love at first site." Please hold while I puke my guts out. Good ****ing God.
  2. If they currently have an enabler you get put on the list. They'll maintain a friendship with you and start planting seeds for when their current enabler finally stops enabling. When that happens they start watering the seeds, often by comparing you favorably to their current enabler, or using the things you've told them about past boyfriends/girlfriends to behave differently or better-- temporarily. See number one.
  3. If you fail to respond or enable they will then disappear-- they don't have the time or inclination to deal with people who turn out to be healthy, or have the ability to set and enforce boundaries. They need a new enabler right now and they'll find one quickly.

More often than not, that's how it starts.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
Yes!! That's happening now with my 'friend' who has bbq's. I think she's noticed I won't get into crazy-making with her, and it's just not working for her anymore. I haven't heard from her all week!

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Old 07-08-2011, 12:37 PM
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Naw, I almost literally KILL people with my kindness!! It's the only true power I have.

I'm one of those people who actually talks to strangers in an elevator at my school where I work and I am a student. Sometimes I get strange looks or eye rolls, but you never know who will remember you in a job interview, when you have a flat tire, or any of the various things the Universe might bring. If other people don't 'get it', it's ok.

Keep being the nice person you are. It's a sign of true strength. I honestly don't mind it when peop[le mistake my cheerfulness as stupidity or weakness. It's easier to assess situations when others think you can't. (I"m blonde, and I LOVE the blonde jokes)

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