Responding to quacking vs. not communicating
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 19
Responding to quacking vs. not communicating
Do any of you have suggestions for this?
My AH and I are having a difficult time, for a number of reasons, and a big problem is lack of communication. I shut down when I'm upset and since I'm upset with our situation pretty much all the time right now, my communication to AH is minimal. I want to try to communicate better in the hopes of improving how I feel about our situation. But my experience is that when he's quacking, I need to just ignore it/him and leave the room for my own sense of self-preservation. I don't want to encourage his quacking, especially since they're lies 99% of the time. If I am doing that, though, then I'm not helping to improve our communication. Should I be responding to his quacking as an attempt to communicate more?
Here's an example:
He's currently unemployed. He's quacking constantly about how a great job is just around the corner, he saw a great ad for a perfect job and he's applied for it and they're going to call him any minute now, how he has sent out all of these resumes so phone calls should be rolling in soon. I do believe that he's been browsing ads and maybe sent out a few resumes, but that's about it. He hasn't had any phone calls and certainly not any interviews.
Anyway, he wants me to engage and say things like, "Wow! That's great! I'm so excited that you're just days away from a wonderful job!" What I want to say is that he's exaggerating it all and I don't believe he's even sent out more than one or two resumes, if that. I've tried that angle and called him on it and he denies up and down that he's lying (however, the phone never rings with potential employers, so...) and gets angry with me for doubting him.
In general, how do I balance responding/communicating vs. ignoring his quacking and ignoring him?
My AH and I are having a difficult time, for a number of reasons, and a big problem is lack of communication. I shut down when I'm upset and since I'm upset with our situation pretty much all the time right now, my communication to AH is minimal. I want to try to communicate better in the hopes of improving how I feel about our situation. But my experience is that when he's quacking, I need to just ignore it/him and leave the room for my own sense of self-preservation. I don't want to encourage his quacking, especially since they're lies 99% of the time. If I am doing that, though, then I'm not helping to improve our communication. Should I be responding to his quacking as an attempt to communicate more?
Here's an example:
He's currently unemployed. He's quacking constantly about how a great job is just around the corner, he saw a great ad for a perfect job and he's applied for it and they're going to call him any minute now, how he has sent out all of these resumes so phone calls should be rolling in soon. I do believe that he's been browsing ads and maybe sent out a few resumes, but that's about it. He hasn't had any phone calls and certainly not any interviews.
Anyway, he wants me to engage and say things like, "Wow! That's great! I'm so excited that you're just days away from a wonderful job!" What I want to say is that he's exaggerating it all and I don't believe he's even sent out more than one or two resumes, if that. I've tried that angle and called him on it and he denies up and down that he's lying (however, the phone never rings with potential employers, so...) and gets angry with me for doubting him.
In general, how do I balance responding/communicating vs. ignoring his quacking and ignoring him?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
What has always worked best for me (after I realized that playing into it was exactly what he was going for) is just to smile and nod my head. That way, I'm not ignoring him; I'm just not engaging or stroking his ego which he SO DESPERATELY wanted me to do. All...The...Time... Odds are, even if you did go on and on about how excited you are for him it still wouldn't be good enough and you would still most likely end up in an arguement. Not saying for sure - just basing off my past experiences. Your example was an exact excerpt from my life.
I have tried to "communicate" with my soon-to-be-XAH on so many occasions but what I finally realized is that communication between two people can only exist when both people truly want to hear what the other is saying. That has NEVER occurred in my household.
I think you are on the right track by avoiding "communication" while he's quacking.
I have tried to "communicate" with my soon-to-be-XAH on so many occasions but what I finally realized is that communication between two people can only exist when both people truly want to hear what the other is saying. That has NEVER occurred in my household.
I think you are on the right track by avoiding "communication" while he's quacking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
That is mission impossible if you ask me.
The only thing that worked for me is something very brief, not committal, non confrontational.
Response to positive statement. "That is good news." "I'm glad to hear that."
Response to negative statement. "I'm sorry." "That is a bummer." "Darn."
Anything else was like
No point because he did not respond to what I said and if he did respond it was at me, not about what I said or even what he said 10 minutes prior. If I was anything but polly anna sunshine there was no point in opening my mouth because I was a negative dream crusher and I got real sick of stepping into his dream world to feed is ego and delusions. Quack Quack - it is all Quack Quack Quack so what is the point?
The only thing that worked for me is something very brief, not committal, non confrontational.
Response to positive statement. "That is good news." "I'm glad to hear that."
Response to negative statement. "I'm sorry." "That is a bummer." "Darn."
Anything else was like
No point because he did not respond to what I said and if he did respond it was at me, not about what I said or even what he said 10 minutes prior. If I was anything but polly anna sunshine there was no point in opening my mouth because I was a negative dream crusher and I got real sick of stepping into his dream world to feed is ego and delusions. Quack Quack - it is all Quack Quack Quack so what is the point?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Have him dress up nice, make a bunch of copies of resumes, and drive him around town to distribute the resumes and introduce himself to potential employers. Even if they are not jobs he necessarily wants.
If he won't go, ignore him.
If he won't go, ignore him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I didn't mean that to sound quite so curt. I was called away and hit send and should have waited.
I want to add...
Back in the day before I had any recovery I might have really done that! I used to do all kinds of things to help my xah with getting a job (and other stuff). Not normal things but things he should have been doing on his own or that I should have just said 'no' too. There were a number of dysfunctional elements to that particular dance routine and in hindsight I see it as having been detrimental to each of us individually and to our relationship as a whole. It also did not work.
I really did them. He did not call my bluff or anything like that. When we (him and I) were deep in the cycle of addiction/co-dependency neither one of us saw absurd things as absurd anymore ya know what I mean?
I want to add...
Back in the day before I had any recovery I might have really done that! I used to do all kinds of things to help my xah with getting a job (and other stuff). Not normal things but things he should have been doing on his own or that I should have just said 'no' too. There were a number of dysfunctional elements to that particular dance routine and in hindsight I see it as having been detrimental to each of us individually and to our relationship as a whole. It also did not work.
I really did them. He did not call my bluff or anything like that. When we (him and I) were deep in the cycle of addiction/co-dependency neither one of us saw absurd things as absurd anymore ya know what I mean?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I want to second Anvil's response. I think that allows you to communicate with him in a way filled with dignity and respect for both of you.
And I agree with Thumper... I too am guilty of sticking my nose in all of my husband's business. I took over so many things for him... All in the name of helping him. Fact is, doing that for him was really disrespectful to him. My actions showed that I had no faith or respect for him to be an adult and take care of himself.
As I bury my nose in my recovery, I'm starting to see just how deep my "mothering" tendencies run. Yikers!! I'm learning to tell myself, "shut up Shannon!! It's none of your damn business!!!"
As for the quacking, my sponsor has told me that when it starts... I have to remember that it is a symptom of his disease and that i have choices... I can stay and try to talk, or I can detach (with love) and excuse myself from the moment. what I can't do is expect to have a rational conversation with an active alcoholic, period... And if I do have that expectation... I'm setting myself for future resentments.
And I agree with Thumper... I too am guilty of sticking my nose in all of my husband's business. I took over so many things for him... All in the name of helping him. Fact is, doing that for him was really disrespectful to him. My actions showed that I had no faith or respect for him to be an adult and take care of himself.
As I bury my nose in my recovery, I'm starting to see just how deep my "mothering" tendencies run. Yikers!! I'm learning to tell myself, "shut up Shannon!! It's none of your damn business!!!"
As for the quacking, my sponsor has told me that when it starts... I have to remember that it is a symptom of his disease and that i have choices... I can stay and try to talk, or I can detach (with love) and excuse myself from the moment. what I can't do is expect to have a rational conversation with an active alcoholic, period... And if I do have that expectation... I'm setting myself for future resentments.
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