Broke up with AGF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Broke up with AGF
I joined this forum a few days ago in hopes of finding some much needed information and guidance. After reading some of the stories here, I regained a lot of strength that I thought I had lost during my struggles in dealing with an addict.
I met her just over 2 years ago. She was very pretty, up-beat and caring. A few months into our relationship she confessed to being a recovering drug addict...a former user of crack and cocaine. I found this werid because she still smoked pot on a regular basis and I wasn't sure how that helped in her recovery. Later on she started binge drinking to the point of complete mental anguish and black-outs...I've been dealing with this for the better part of 2 years. Painkillers came and went next, then, binge shopping.
We broke up many times over her instability and unwillingness to really help herself. I kept coming back to her as she always promised to get help and seek better ways of dealing with her addictions, but, she never did. Eventually, I found myself at a crossroads and knew that it was time for me to get out this relationship that was causing me to self-destruct inside. Making the decision to leave for good was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but, in reading the countless stories on this forum from people who were going through the same things as I was, I learned that it was ok to feel like I did. I also learned that it was ok to look out for myself and want my life back. She's in a program now, but, is still having a hard time staying away from temptation. Unfortunately, help came too late and I needed to move on. For the amount of times she's lied to me, I can never trust that she'll do the right thing for herself.
Thanks to this forum for being here in my time of need.
I met her just over 2 years ago. She was very pretty, up-beat and caring. A few months into our relationship she confessed to being a recovering drug addict...a former user of crack and cocaine. I found this werid because she still smoked pot on a regular basis and I wasn't sure how that helped in her recovery. Later on she started binge drinking to the point of complete mental anguish and black-outs...I've been dealing with this for the better part of 2 years. Painkillers came and went next, then, binge shopping.
We broke up many times over her instability and unwillingness to really help herself. I kept coming back to her as she always promised to get help and seek better ways of dealing with her addictions, but, she never did. Eventually, I found myself at a crossroads and knew that it was time for me to get out this relationship that was causing me to self-destruct inside. Making the decision to leave for good was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but, in reading the countless stories on this forum from people who were going through the same things as I was, I learned that it was ok to feel like I did. I also learned that it was ok to look out for myself and want my life back. She's in a program now, but, is still having a hard time staying away from temptation. Unfortunately, help came too late and I needed to move on. For the amount of times she's lied to me, I can never trust that she'll do the right thing for herself.
Thanks to this forum for being here in my time of need.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, to me it sounds like you have made a good decision.
I will tell you that when my exabf wasn't using crack, he was drinking to the point of no return. It was just a bandaid to hold him over until his next fix.
We are here for you, keep posting if you need to.
I will tell you that when my exabf wasn't using crack, he was drinking to the point of no return. It was just a bandaid to hold him over until his next fix.
We are here for you, keep posting if you need to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Thanks.
I broke it off with her 2 nights ago. Now she's called me at work and says she wants me to come to her place and give her some closure. Late last week I went over to her to place to talk and tell her how I felt and where my head was at. We both got upset and it ended with us having sex, falling asleep, and me leaving early the next morning. Now, after officially breaking up with her, she thinks I'm being a complete ******* and using her because that happened. Thinking back on it, emotions were high and it happened under the wrong circumstances...it's not like I went there to break-up and try to get laid one last time...I'm not that type of person. Maybe I have to explain that to her.
This is the problem though: the times that we've broken up before, I always went back to her place a few days later when she needed to "talk" and I ended up taking her back. I can't do that again. I don't want to be an *******, but, at the same time I need to protect myself from the temptation of giving in to guilt once again.
How can you possibly explain to an addict that you just can't do it anymore...even after you stayed and put up with so much for so long?
I broke it off with her 2 nights ago. Now she's called me at work and says she wants me to come to her place and give her some closure. Late last week I went over to her to place to talk and tell her how I felt and where my head was at. We both got upset and it ended with us having sex, falling asleep, and me leaving early the next morning. Now, after officially breaking up with her, she thinks I'm being a complete ******* and using her because that happened. Thinking back on it, emotions were high and it happened under the wrong circumstances...it's not like I went there to break-up and try to get laid one last time...I'm not that type of person. Maybe I have to explain that to her.
This is the problem though: the times that we've broken up before, I always went back to her place a few days later when she needed to "talk" and I ended up taking her back. I can't do that again. I don't want to be an *******, but, at the same time I need to protect myself from the temptation of giving in to guilt once again.
How can you possibly explain to an addict that you just can't do it anymore...even after you stayed and put up with so much for so long?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Don't go. She already has closure. You broke up with her. That is closure. She's hoping it will end up like last time and if you go, it very well might. You've taken the big step, now just stay away. Also, no contact is the best way for everyone involved. No texting, no talking, no emailing. Just rip off the bandaid and be done with it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I agree with Suki. She knows that she will be able to manipulate you into giving the whole thing another try. My exabf used new excuses, made new promises, and sucked me back in twice. Nothing changed, so I finally had the strength to go no contact for good about 3 months ago.
He has tried so hard to make contact, emails, text messages, pictures, and I don't read or respond to them. Because i don't want to get dragged back in, and that is exactly what he is trying to do. Anything they say is manipulation to get what they want. They have no respect for what you want. Just themselves.
If you are truly ready to leave all of this pain behind you, then move on completely. You don't owe her anything, no matter how much she insists you do. She got herself into the situation she is in, so she can put on her big girl panties and deal with it now.
He has tried so hard to make contact, emails, text messages, pictures, and I don't read or respond to them. Because i don't want to get dragged back in, and that is exactly what he is trying to do. Anything they say is manipulation to get what they want. They have no respect for what you want. Just themselves.
If you are truly ready to leave all of this pain behind you, then move on completely. You don't owe her anything, no matter how much she insists you do. She got herself into the situation she is in, so she can put on her big girl panties and deal with it now.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I agree with the others. No Contact is the way to go. Each time you open conversation again with an addicted personality, you put yourself at risk of being sucked back into the drama/chaos.
Two valuable responses I have learned here at SR and through Alanon:
No. (that is a complete sentence. It needs not further explanation)
Sometimes the best response to a baited email, text or phone call is: No Response.
(I am not obligated to return the email, text or phone call. I decide who I communicate with and when)
Stick around. We understand. We are here to support you.
I agree with the others. No Contact is the way to go. Each time you open conversation again with an addicted personality, you put yourself at risk of being sucked back into the drama/chaos.
Two valuable responses I have learned here at SR and through Alanon:
No. (that is a complete sentence. It needs not further explanation)
Sometimes the best response to a baited email, text or phone call is: No Response.
(I am not obligated to return the email, text or phone call. I decide who I communicate with and when)
Stick around. We understand. We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
"Closure" is a mind-****. I reject the idea that anybody needs closure. It's most often used by others to manipulate us, or by us to manipulate ourselves. It was best said by Suki. The breakup was closure-- your ex just wants to control it her own way, and to control you-- the best way for her to do that is to get you in her presence where her power to manipulate is strongest. It is the epitome of the behavior of an addict.
No contact is the way to go now my friend.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
No contact is the way to go now my friend.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Looks like the consensus here is "no contact."
I'm thankful that you're all sharing your experience and wisdom with me. What I need to get over is feeling like an ass for not calling her back because I said I would just to avoid a dramatic conversation at work. Now she's expecting a call....
I'm thankful that you're all sharing your experience and wisdom with me. What I need to get over is feeling like an ass for not calling her back because I said I would just to avoid a dramatic conversation at work. Now she's expecting a call....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 10
I can relate so well to what you said in your opening post about seeing everyone's stories here and learning so much from them! Isn't it amazing how so many stories can start to sound so familiar? i have found it really humbling and liberating to see myself in so many of them. it makes me feel less like i am carrying the weight of the world.
I don't know what you feel about the term codependent but i liked Melody Beattie's book about that a lot. I think it is really helpful for anyone trying to sort out all so many kinds of intensity, emotions, interactions, and boundaries.
I don't know what you feel about the term codependent but i liked Melody Beattie's book about that a lot. I think it is really helpful for anyone trying to sort out all so many kinds of intensity, emotions, interactions, and boundaries.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi CM1200
It was also the most difficult thing for me EVER, to break up with an EX ABF.
If you are anxious, call her again and tell her "we are no longer a couple. good luck".
If she calls, click the Ignore button.
If she calls at work, hang up. Or reply "sorry you got the wrong number" if coworkers overhear...
Block her email.
Erase the pictures.
(I did these slowly, not easy but your sanity is at stake)
Go No contact if you are really done with the sad dance.
And if I can offer a bit of advice- go to therapy. Otherwise next girlfriend will be the same person just in a different body. I went from one guy to the other and none were present for me for one reason or the other. Only in therapy did I get the why's behind my actions. And doing so helped me move on and be aware so I don't repeat the story again. Now I am hopefuly and know the next person in my life will be able to bring great things to my life, share from the heart, recognize who I am. Isn't that the whole point of having a partner..?
Healthy people are not attracted to addicts of any kind, save time, go have your picker checked with a shrink!
PS I broke up 2.5+ years ago with XABF. He got someone else right away, still drinks like hell, still denies any issue, and is a totally different person from the charming guy I thought I knew. His good friends have distanced from him. Nothing has changed for him. NOTHING! I know because I worked with him all this time and we had many common friends. (Gladly now I work from home! and made new friends.)
There are some defects we all have - and there are very serious pathologies that, untreated, take people to the grave everyday, leaving incredible hurt and destruction to people around them. Why be part of someone's slow suicide when life can be so beautiful, peaceful and exciting? mourning the loss of an addict is difficult, but pain is an overwhelming master. You can use all this to your advantage to find out who you are, what you need, and what you want for yourself in the future. But there can't be clarity if you are still in touch with her. No contact gives perspective. Take care, all the best you can do this.
It was also the most difficult thing for me EVER, to break up with an EX ABF.
If you are anxious, call her again and tell her "we are no longer a couple. good luck".
If she calls, click the Ignore button.
If she calls at work, hang up. Or reply "sorry you got the wrong number" if coworkers overhear...
Block her email.
Erase the pictures.
(I did these slowly, not easy but your sanity is at stake)
Go No contact if you are really done with the sad dance.
And if I can offer a bit of advice- go to therapy. Otherwise next girlfriend will be the same person just in a different body. I went from one guy to the other and none were present for me for one reason or the other. Only in therapy did I get the why's behind my actions. And doing so helped me move on and be aware so I don't repeat the story again. Now I am hopefuly and know the next person in my life will be able to bring great things to my life, share from the heart, recognize who I am. Isn't that the whole point of having a partner..?
Healthy people are not attracted to addicts of any kind, save time, go have your picker checked with a shrink!
PS I broke up 2.5+ years ago with XABF. He got someone else right away, still drinks like hell, still denies any issue, and is a totally different person from the charming guy I thought I knew. His good friends have distanced from him. Nothing has changed for him. NOTHING! I know because I worked with him all this time and we had many common friends. (Gladly now I work from home! and made new friends.)
There are some defects we all have - and there are very serious pathologies that, untreated, take people to the grave everyday, leaving incredible hurt and destruction to people around them. Why be part of someone's slow suicide when life can be so beautiful, peaceful and exciting? mourning the loss of an addict is difficult, but pain is an overwhelming master. You can use all this to your advantage to find out who you are, what you need, and what you want for yourself in the future. But there can't be clarity if you are still in touch with her. No contact gives perspective. Take care, all the best you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Yeah. Hobbies and friends are pretty good things to focus on.
Since you're here for more knowledge and therapy, a good book to read would be Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. That book gave me some pretty good insight into myself. It gave me a pretty firm foundation to start watching myself and understanding why I do the things I do. It can help in other areas of your life.
Good for you man!
Since you're here for more knowledge and therapy, a good book to read would be Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. That book gave me some pretty good insight into myself. It gave me a pretty firm foundation to start watching myself and understanding why I do the things I do. It can help in other areas of your life.
Good for you man!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Congrats on your first week! the first days and weeks were the most difficult for me.
It gets so much better and all this will become a distant memory. I've been no contact for more than 2 years now and my life is way better than it ever was. No addicts are in it anymore and for that I am very very grateful.
It gets so much better and all this will become a distant memory. I've been no contact for more than 2 years now and my life is way better than it ever was. No addicts are in it anymore and for that I am very very grateful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Shellcrusher 
Since you're here for more knowledge and therapy, a good book to read would be Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty.
One of the big things I've noticed over the last week is the amount of free time I have on my hands. I finally have the time to sit and kinda "catch up with myself" as cheesey as that sounds. I do have a few 'cool' hobbies that I've been neglecting over the past year...I've found my way back them, as well as other aspects of my life that were being pushed to the side...and that feels good.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
CM1200, keep up the no contact. My ABF and I just broke up--he broke up with me because he found having a relationship too stressful while trying to get sober. But not 2 days later, he was wanting to be 'friends'. After all the lies he told me over the past 1.5 years, I realized I will never be able to trust him again and there is no point being friends with someone you can't trust. I feel his wanting to be friends is just an excuse to keep me around in case he ever decides he wants to use me again. I cannot be his 'friend' and get sucked back into his drama.
My ex has been to rehab twice this year since April. After the first stint, he was never going to drink again...until he did, the very next day he got out of rehab. Even though your ex is getting treatment now and may make you a million promises (and who knows, maybe she will get sober eventually), I can tell you that it is a roller coaster ride.
My ex was very attractive, charming, all that good stuff when we started dating. I never in a million years would have guessed that within the 1.5 years we were together, he would end up getting fired, completely physically disheveled, facing eviction from his apartment in a couple weeks, getting two criminal convictions related to his drinking, doing 60 days house arrest for the convictions, facing jail time next month for not paying probation fees, no driver's license, bill collectors calling day and night, cell phone about to get shut off, no car. In 1.5 years, I went from dating a seemingly nice, handsome guy with a decent job and life to that. As much as I want to be compassionate, that is all just too much for me to witness, even as a friend, at this point.
Please learn from my mistakes!
My ex has been to rehab twice this year since April. After the first stint, he was never going to drink again...until he did, the very next day he got out of rehab. Even though your ex is getting treatment now and may make you a million promises (and who knows, maybe she will get sober eventually), I can tell you that it is a roller coaster ride.
My ex was very attractive, charming, all that good stuff when we started dating. I never in a million years would have guessed that within the 1.5 years we were together, he would end up getting fired, completely physically disheveled, facing eviction from his apartment in a couple weeks, getting two criminal convictions related to his drinking, doing 60 days house arrest for the convictions, facing jail time next month for not paying probation fees, no driver's license, bill collectors calling day and night, cell phone about to get shut off, no car. In 1.5 years, I went from dating a seemingly nice, handsome guy with a decent job and life to that. As much as I want to be compassionate, that is all just too much for me to witness, even as a friend, at this point.
Please learn from my mistakes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Well, the no-contact thing was going good until she showed up at my house last week unannounced. With her were 3 bags of things that I had given her over the course of our relationship, along with a few of my sweatshirts she had "claimed" as hers. She wanted to talk for a minute so I let her in. She said her intentions were not to try to get me to come back, she just wanted to let me know that she had 32 days of sobriety and she was seeing life in a whole new way and was sorry for treating me how she did. The whole conversation felt kind of awkward, but, eventually I gave her a hug and told her that I had to go meet some friends (which I did), and drove her home.
A few days later I got a total of 10 text messages from her explaining that she was still holding on to hope that if she stayed sober we could rebuild what we had and that she can't possibly see a future without me. I sent a simple message back saying that I was happy that she wanted to stay sober, but, I'm still finished with the thought of us ever being together again.
I know that I may have broken the rules of no contact, but, when we broke up in the past, these were the things that always made me go back to her. Now, it feels good to have the strength to do what's right for me.
A few days later I got a total of 10 text messages from her explaining that she was still holding on to hope that if she stayed sober we could rebuild what we had and that she can't possibly see a future without me. I sent a simple message back saying that I was happy that she wanted to stay sober, but, I'm still finished with the thought of us ever being together again.
I know that I may have broken the rules of no contact, but, when we broke up in the past, these were the things that always made me go back to her. Now, it feels good to have the strength to do what's right for me.
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