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There is no point in arguing

Old 07-06-2011, 03:53 PM
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There is no point in arguing

Hi there everybody.

Just wanted to share a bit of an eye opener i had last night.

went to bed at around 11 AW came to bed at the same time.

now this has been the trend for a while now that we go to bed at the same time... well 3 weeks roughly.

and every time that we go to bed at the same time its because ultimately she wants physical affection and there is no other time or place for it that she will allow.


TBH im over it.
so last night went to bed (had a shower first in a vain attempt to go to bed after she was asleep)

I came to bed turned the bedside light off and got asked why did i turn it off.
I responded because its bed time.
We hugged and kissed a bit. before she asked "arnt we passed this, your acking like we are dating teenagers with the whole hes touching me does he want me or doesnt he"

I was just of the impression that we were just showing affection.

This is the beginning of an argument that i would have 5 words to say roughly

so then she says "it's just that you dont want me right now, you know its a bit sad when your cat wants your affection more than your husband"

I calming say that I don't want every night to be either sleeping together or fighting.

which then went on with rant rant rant rant, or should i say quack quack qauck.
"Your just like ever other guy out there you only care about yourself"
"no im just like me" once again i said that calmly
"no your not"
Quack quack.

she gets dressed and goes downstairs for a bit.

while she is gone im thinking about it all.

and i realise, as i play out the argument in my head again and what i could possibly have said to stop it, nothing could have stopped it.

anything i said would have ramped up the argument including asking for my jumper back.
i think about every thing that i wanted to say to defend myself and realise it would have been pointless.

I realise that she wanted the physical contact.
not because she loved me.
but because she has been feeling very depressed for the past and wanted it for her own selfish reasons.

So i lay there and do nothing, say nothing just sleep and realise 2 other things.
1. she will have totally forgotten about this in the afternoon when she wakes up.
2. that if this time she fails and starts drinking again i am gone.

thank fully 2 weeks left till she goes in to detox.
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Old 07-06-2011, 03:55 PM
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"There is no point in arguing"

No, there isn't...

And it may take her a long while to stop her own stinkin' thinkin'. It won't happen just because she quits drinking, so be prepared. She's going to have to work on that bad habit...

Detach, detach, detach...
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Old 07-06-2011, 07:12 PM
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Shark, what do you want out of all this realistically? Doesn't sound like that there that is much there worth saving from the way you posted. Why do you want to live with an active A?

Your friend,
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Old 07-06-2011, 07:46 PM
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I want to be happy,
I hope that can include here but at the same time im starting to wonder if maybe its gone to far for that to happen already.

The good times are realyl fantastically and i can say with ease that i love her because i do.

its the times when she can snap for no reason, like laying into me for having the heater on in the car when its 11 degres celcius outside. that i wonder.
or when an agument can happen with out me saying anything at all.

i know its only two weeks until she goes into detox but last night i was wondering if i can even make it that long.

I love her I do, and im not saying that for anybody.

but as i've learnt love is not enough. there are other fundamentals like communication, honesty. trust.

her memory is that shot that she doesnt know what day it is let alone what week.
i got home last night to her saying she was expecting me to be late because i was going to help her father with his computer, then i told her that was the previous night.

and yet if i try to calmly correct her or advise her then she normally explodes because she would remember something like that etc etc.
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Old 07-07-2011, 05:15 AM
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I learned in Alanon to just say "oh" when they say something trying to engage us in an arguement. In the end my XAH was trying to justify/pull me into every arguement and I just didn't play anymore. Saying "oh" answers them but they don't know what we are thinking. I learned not to react. I learned not to engage. I too was confused with " the you treat me like this (bad) and now you want to be affectionate. " The disease kills the love. It is sad. I seperated/went back revolving door stuff until I left for good because he couldn't stop using. He couldn't/wouldn't stop. That was his choice. It did feel like he chose drugs/alcohol over me. He is sick. At first it hurt real bad. Now it is what it is. He was a big boy. Let go or be dragged. Now instead of sad I am grateful I am out. I loved him with my whole being. It wasn't enough.
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