Expectations and getting my feelings hurt-Step 9
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Expectations and getting my feelings hurt-Step 9
Hi, I'm new to this forum.
My story is that I am dating a RA and have been for 2 1/2 years. He has been sober for 10 months now and recently moved 3,000 miles away due to work. We have been through so much over this 2 1/2 years. Several times in rehab, numerous relapses, him losing his job, him getting a DWI, him losing visitation with his kids. By the time we met, everyone else had given up on him so I was the only one there for him, supporting him emotionally and financially.
So, here's where we are today......RABF recently went for a visit to his parents house and met up with his brothers. While there, he made amends with his brothers. When I learned of that, I so was glad that he was able to do make those amends but was also sad because I hasn't "officially" made amends with me.
When he first got sober, 10 months ago, he did tell me he was sorry for everything he had put me through over the past 2 years.
His actions over the last 10 months have truly showed a complete change for the better and that he is serious about being sober. He is very active with a sponsor, he regualarly attends AA, etc.
Am I expeciting too much for wanting him to "officially" make amends to me? He feels like I am. He thinks him telling me in the beginning he was sorry and his actions are his amends to me and that it shouldn't have to be "official".
Please help me sort this through......
My story is that I am dating a RA and have been for 2 1/2 years. He has been sober for 10 months now and recently moved 3,000 miles away due to work. We have been through so much over this 2 1/2 years. Several times in rehab, numerous relapses, him losing his job, him getting a DWI, him losing visitation with his kids. By the time we met, everyone else had given up on him so I was the only one there for him, supporting him emotionally and financially.
So, here's where we are today......RABF recently went for a visit to his parents house and met up with his brothers. While there, he made amends with his brothers. When I learned of that, I so was glad that he was able to do make those amends but was also sad because I hasn't "officially" made amends with me.
When he first got sober, 10 months ago, he did tell me he was sorry for everything he had put me through over the past 2 years.
His actions over the last 10 months have truly showed a complete change for the better and that he is serious about being sober. He is very active with a sponsor, he regualarly attends AA, etc.
Am I expeciting too much for wanting him to "officially" make amends to me? He feels like I am. He thinks him telling me in the beginning he was sorry and his actions are his amends to me and that it shouldn't have to be "official".
Please help me sort this through......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, bejeweled. You'll find lots of wisdom and experience here.
First of all, great for your boyfriend to seek and sustain recovery over the last 10 months. That's awesome! Are you involved in Al-Anon?
Secondly, I have to ask, what are you envisioning these amends will look like? Expectations are easier to understand when we make them very clear to ourselves. Often, we can break them down at that point and understand the bigger need underneath.
Lastly, there are double-winners on this forum - recovering alcoholics and codependents - who will have a lot of wisdom to offer about Step 9. My RAH is not there yet. In the meantime, I work my Al-Anon program to make sure I don't carry my own resentments and old hurts forward, so I expect no amends when he reaches Step 9. We have talked a lot about the old hurts already, anyway.
Keep posting...it really helps to get your thoughts down in writing!
~T
First of all, great for your boyfriend to seek and sustain recovery over the last 10 months. That's awesome! Are you involved in Al-Anon?
Secondly, I have to ask, what are you envisioning these amends will look like? Expectations are easier to understand when we make them very clear to ourselves. Often, we can break them down at that point and understand the bigger need underneath.
Lastly, there are double-winners on this forum - recovering alcoholics and codependents - who will have a lot of wisdom to offer about Step 9. My RAH is not there yet. In the meantime, I work my Al-Anon program to make sure I don't carry my own resentments and old hurts forward, so I expect no amends when he reaches Step 9. We have talked a lot about the old hurts already, anyway.
Keep posting...it really helps to get your thoughts down in writing!
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I agree with Tuffgirl. Have you started Al-anon yet and perhaps working your own recovery? Believe me I was carrying a lot baggage around and didn't even know it until I started working my own recovery.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Hi T!
Thank you so much for your reply. I was actually just reading an older post of yours.
There aren't enough words to express how proud I am of him for staying sober for 10 mths and the progress he's made. I have never even been drunk so I can imagine the strength sobriety takes. I am so excited for him and his future, for our future together, I love him.
I am not involved in Al-Anon and have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I have been involved in Celebrate Recovery though.
So how would I envision the amends look like? Nothing big! I just traveled to see him last week and we were alone for 5 days. It was wonderful and we enjoyed eachother so much, but a conversation over dinner or as we were going to bed one evening would have been perfect.
I just feel like it's a big thing hanging over us. Like I'm waiting around wondering when the time will be right for him to make amends with me. He's even mentioned it before that he knows he needs to make amends with me. But now today his thinking has changed and I'm in the wrong for feeling hurt and left behind. He thinks his actions are enough when it comes to me.
When I hear of him making amends to others I think.... hey, what about me? I'm the one who was there for him in his craziest of times over the last 2 years. Everyone else had given up on him, yet they are the ones he's making sure to make amends with.
Why am I being this way? I'm really hurting today,but I don't want to feel hurt. I already forgive him.
Thank you so much for your reply. I was actually just reading an older post of yours.
There aren't enough words to express how proud I am of him for staying sober for 10 mths and the progress he's made. I have never even been drunk so I can imagine the strength sobriety takes. I am so excited for him and his future, for our future together, I love him.
I am not involved in Al-Anon and have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I have been involved in Celebrate Recovery though.
So how would I envision the amends look like? Nothing big! I just traveled to see him last week and we were alone for 5 days. It was wonderful and we enjoyed eachother so much, but a conversation over dinner or as we were going to bed one evening would have been perfect.
I just feel like it's a big thing hanging over us. Like I'm waiting around wondering when the time will be right for him to make amends with me. He's even mentioned it before that he knows he needs to make amends with me. But now today his thinking has changed and I'm in the wrong for feeling hurt and left behind. He thinks his actions are enough when it comes to me.
When I hear of him making amends to others I think.... hey, what about me? I'm the one who was there for him in his craziest of times over the last 2 years. Everyone else had given up on him, yet they are the ones he's making sure to make amends with.
Why am I being this way? I'm really hurting today,but I don't want to feel hurt. I already forgive him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
He already told you he was sorry. I'm not sure what you expect beyond that.
I know for me, I hurt the people who loved me the most in the worst ways possible.
The words "I'm sorry" seemed so inadequate in light of the harm I had caused.
I've apologized many times, but truly the best amends I can make are a living amends; that is, I stay sober and in recovery, working hard to make myself a little better each day.
I also was married to an addict/alkie, and have a 33-year-old addicted daughter.
I have found Alanon to be a valuable resource for me in healing from the effects of their addictions on me.
I'd like to recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie too.
My parents have never sought any codependency recovery themselves, and that is painful for me.
I hope you consider starting recovery for yourself too!
I know for me, I hurt the people who loved me the most in the worst ways possible.
The words "I'm sorry" seemed so inadequate in light of the harm I had caused.
I've apologized many times, but truly the best amends I can make are a living amends; that is, I stay sober and in recovery, working hard to make myself a little better each day.
I also was married to an addict/alkie, and have a 33-year-old addicted daughter.
I have found Alanon to be a valuable resource for me in healing from the effects of their addictions on me.
I'd like to recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie too.
My parents have never sought any codependency recovery themselves, and that is painful for me.
I hope you consider starting recovery for yourself too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I agree with what Freedom says above - living amends - took me a while to understand what that meant. And it sounds like your BF is trying to live his amends with you, versus "saying" them. It may be that you are seeking something that in your mind looks a certain way, and overlooking what he is already giving you everyday you spend together. So easy to do! I catch myself doing it all the time, and work very hard at managing my own 'stinkin thinkin'.
It's a mindset shift...took me a while to wrap my head around it as I too was waiting for some kind of acknowledgement to my experiences. But I also learned something recently that I had overlooked - my experiences, my reality, was not at all his reality. He really didn't view himself as being so "bad" when he was drunk...his memories of his behavior are far less damaging then I remember. He actually told me he was angry for a long time that I was ruining his "mellow feelings" when I complained about his drinking. Mellow? WTH? Seriously??!!! Raging a-hole is far more accurate.
But I do know your BF knows he hurt you, as my RAH knows he hurt me. They are people with feelings, too. And every day, I pay attention to the actions and not too much on the words anymore. I can see the beginnings of those living amends, every time he is kind and considerate to me, every time he says he's sorry for something, every time he owns responsibility. I decided to let that be the more important need for me, and once I accepted it, I no longer felt the need to hear 'words'.
Try it - next time you are together. Watch and experience in the moment. Is he treating you differently now? Celebrate that as living amends. And see if your desire for written amends becomes far less important.
It's a mindset shift...took me a while to wrap my head around it as I too was waiting for some kind of acknowledgement to my experiences. But I also learned something recently that I had overlooked - my experiences, my reality, was not at all his reality. He really didn't view himself as being so "bad" when he was drunk...his memories of his behavior are far less damaging then I remember. He actually told me he was angry for a long time that I was ruining his "mellow feelings" when I complained about his drinking. Mellow? WTH? Seriously??!!! Raging a-hole is far more accurate.
But I do know your BF knows he hurt you, as my RAH knows he hurt me. They are people with feelings, too. And every day, I pay attention to the actions and not too much on the words anymore. I can see the beginnings of those living amends, every time he is kind and considerate to me, every time he says he's sorry for something, every time he owns responsibility. I decided to let that be the more important need for me, and once I accepted it, I no longer felt the need to hear 'words'.
Try it - next time you are together. Watch and experience in the moment. Is he treating you differently now? Celebrate that as living amends. And see if your desire for written amends becomes far less important.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you Freedom and T!
I think a lot of it is my mindset, thinking there is one way to work a step and that's it. Thank you both for opening my eyes to the term living amends. I can honestly say my boyfriend is trying his hardest to live the right way and to show me he's doing so.
I'm still working on me. I have made great strides in my codependency, but still sometimes get caught up in it and in my own little pity party. I see him recovering, and doing good and occaisionally go back to "hey, what about me? what about all that i've been through?". Crazy, I know. I need to get over it.
I have been a lurker on this forum for a while, but have never posted anything. I am so thankful I did today, these replies are just what I needed .
I think a lot of it is my mindset, thinking there is one way to work a step and that's it. Thank you both for opening my eyes to the term living amends. I can honestly say my boyfriend is trying his hardest to live the right way and to show me he's doing so.
I'm still working on me. I have made great strides in my codependency, but still sometimes get caught up in it and in my own little pity party. I see him recovering, and doing good and occaisionally go back to "hey, what about me? what about all that i've been through?". Crazy, I know. I need to get over it.
I have been a lurker on this forum for a while, but have never posted anything. I am so thankful I did today, these replies are just what I needed .
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by bejeweled 
Crazy, I know. I need to get over it.
Maybe start by forgiving YOURSELF for participating in the insanity back in the active drinking days?
Working on watching his living amends will also certainly help!
I know when I shift my attitude, and am more kind and loving to MYSELF, I tend to soften up to those around me as well.
Just a thought - take what you like!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
My two cents.... get into Alanon, work the steps, do your inventory, and make your own amends. Then when someone comes to you insisting that you make amends to them, and puts parameters on how they think it should be done, think about this post.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You know when your RA said he was sorry very early in his recovery, I am sure it really did not mean very much, because if he is anything like myself or the many other A's I know, we said I'm sorry so many times that it really did NOT mean a thing.
However, based on what you posted:
He is continuing to make amends to you and others on a daily basis. His ACTIONS. The fact that you SEE his changes/actions for the better.
It took 3 years into my own recovery before my mother said to me one day "Laurie I now believe you are turly sorry. Your ACTIONS show me this."
You are correct, your 'expectations' are out of whack. lol
Alanon would be a great place for you to start working on you. Please try at least 6 different meetings to find one or two where you feel 'you click' and where you feel you can relate to the regulars.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
However, based on what you posted:
His actions over the last 10 months have truly showed a complete change for the better and that he is serious about being sober.
It took 3 years into my own recovery before my mother said to me one day "Laurie I now believe you are turly sorry. Your ACTIONS show me this."
You are correct, your 'expectations' are out of whack. lol
Alanon would be a great place for you to start working on you. Please try at least 6 different meetings to find one or two where you feel 'you click' and where you feel you can relate to the regulars.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
