New here. Need perspective b/c I am lost.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 32
New here. Need perspective b/c I am lost.
My wonderful sister is an alcoholic. I knew it for years and also knew that I could not change her habits. I just waited and wanted to be there if she decided she needed help. About a year ago she called and was ready. She is now a year sober and I am so very proud.
Before becoming sober she would always 'stir the pot' and work herself into a frenzy over things she could not control (ie. family issues... or what in particular was going on in her sibling's lives). Since becoming sober this has become WORSE. She demands to know all the little details of what is going on with everyone. She constantly runs down each family member to the others. In other words, still stirring the pot.
Final straw for me? Today she asked me a question. I lied and said I didn't have the answer b/c (1) it was information given to me in confidence and (2) I just didn't want to be involved in family drama. In the end she came out and told me that she already knew the 'correct answer' to her question and branded me as a liar. Then to make matters more interesting she began a personal assault on me, my husband, how I raise my children, my friends, etc.... and final stopped at 'I have to create a boundary. I do not want to interact with you or talk to you anymore.'
I am at a loss. People tell me things all the time... am I supposed to betray other's trust and reveal personal information just b/c she asked for it? She was so angry and aggressive. Someone please tell me this is part of recovery.
Before becoming sober she would always 'stir the pot' and work herself into a frenzy over things she could not control (ie. family issues... or what in particular was going on in her sibling's lives). Since becoming sober this has become WORSE. She demands to know all the little details of what is going on with everyone. She constantly runs down each family member to the others. In other words, still stirring the pot.
Final straw for me? Today she asked me a question. I lied and said I didn't have the answer b/c (1) it was information given to me in confidence and (2) I just didn't want to be involved in family drama. In the end she came out and told me that she already knew the 'correct answer' to her question and branded me as a liar. Then to make matters more interesting she began a personal assault on me, my husband, how I raise my children, my friends, etc.... and final stopped at 'I have to create a boundary. I do not want to interact with you or talk to you anymore.'
I am at a loss. People tell me things all the time... am I supposed to betray other's trust and reveal personal information just b/c she asked for it? She was so angry and aggressive. Someone please tell me this is part of recovery.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
There is a difference between sobriety and recovery.
Sobriety is living without alcohol. Nothing else changes.
Recovery from alcoholism is living without alcohol and learning new, healthier coping skills.
So, which is she? Sober? or Recovering?
Keep in mind: Some people are jerks sober and drunk.
I am sorry that you received such a tongue lashing from your sibling.
I have removed toxic people from my life. Including immediate family. It doesn't mean I don't care about them, it is just a boundary I have to keep the negative energy from draining me.
In real life, if my sibling starts the negative chaos - I can end the conversation. "Gotta go, check with you later, bye"
It takes practice.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
There is a difference between sobriety and recovery.
Sobriety is living without alcohol. Nothing else changes.
Recovery from alcoholism is living without alcohol and learning new, healthier coping skills.
So, which is she? Sober? or Recovering?
Keep in mind: Some people are jerks sober and drunk.
I am sorry that you received such a tongue lashing from your sibling.
I have removed toxic people from my life. Including immediate family. It doesn't mean I don't care about them, it is just a boundary I have to keep the negative energy from draining me.
In real life, if my sibling starts the negative chaos - I can end the conversation. "Gotta go, check with you later, bye"
It takes practice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 32
I can't tell if she is working the program. She had inpatient treatment for 1 week and now sees a therapist maybe 1x/week.
What signs would I look for to know if she is/isn't working a program? Also-- do you think I should attend some meetings myself? I just want to understand. I love her but don't know what to do. The drama is killing me. Her boundary of distancing herself is scary to me. She did that WHEN she was drinking...
What signs would I look for to know if she is/isn't working a program? Also-- do you think I should attend some meetings myself? I just want to understand. I love her but don't know what to do. The drama is killing me. Her boundary of distancing herself is scary to me. She did that WHEN she was drinking...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hello sister, and welcome to SR!
People who are in recovery and serious about it tend to be working on self and bettering how they live life. She's busy taking everyone else's inventory instead of her own.
You have a right to keep things confidential and you don't have to listen to her tirades.
I'm like Pelican and have removed toxic people from my life including family.
People who are in recovery and serious about it tend to be working on self and bettering how they live life. She's busy taking everyone else's inventory instead of her own.
You have a right to keep things confidential and you don't have to listen to her tirades.
I'm like Pelican and have removed toxic people from my life including family.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable, read the stickys and others posts.
Your sister is toxic, she is disrupting your peace, your life.
If she would spend more time working on herself and stop deflecting on everyone else, she might successfully recover from her addiction.
She has advised you of her boundery? What are yours?
My mother is the alcoholic in my life, I have had to back out of her life several times, due to her drinking and abuse. Once for 2 years, another for 10 years, the most peaceful years of my adult life. We are back on friendly terms once again, however, my bounderies are in place, and that I say what I mean and mean what I say. No If's ands or But's about it!
I do think that attending Alanon meetings would help you. Also read all you can about codependency.
Keep posting,we are here for you!
Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable, read the stickys and others posts.
Your sister is toxic, she is disrupting your peace, your life.
If she would spend more time working on herself and stop deflecting on everyone else, she might successfully recover from her addiction.
She has advised you of her boundery? What are yours?
My mother is the alcoholic in my life, I have had to back out of her life several times, due to her drinking and abuse. Once for 2 years, another for 10 years, the most peaceful years of my adult life. We are back on friendly terms once again, however, my bounderies are in place, and that I say what I mean and mean what I say. No If's ands or But's about it!
I do think that attending Alanon meetings would help you. Also read all you can about codependency.
Keep posting,we are here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 32
[QUOTE=Freedom1990;3024664]Hello sister, and welcome to SR!
People who are in recovery and serious about it tend to be working on self and bettering how they live life. She's busy taking everyone else's inventory instead of her own.
QUOTE]
Wow. I never looked at it that way! You are so right. She kept telling me today that she was 'focusing on herself'. When I look back at it I see her telling me that but not living that.
Thank you for the insight.
People who are in recovery and serious about it tend to be working on self and bettering how they live life. She's busy taking everyone else's inventory instead of her own.
QUOTE]
Wow. I never looked at it that way! You are so right. She kept telling me today that she was 'focusing on herself'. When I look back at it I see her telling me that but not living that.
Thank you for the insight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 32
Freedom--- I really do think she is deflecting-much like she did when she was drinking. There was always some family drama going on and to this day it continues.
My boundaries? I don't get knee-deep involved with ANYONE'S business. Family- friend-co worker...whatever. I learned long ago from all this family drama that if it doesn't [U]directly[U] impact MY house then there is nothing that I can do other than listen and provide emotional support. I never give input or opinion unless asked. It is safer that way.
I thought I was doing good until I was branded a liar and excluded. It hurts me a lot.
My boundaries? I don't get knee-deep involved with ANYONE'S business. Family- friend-co worker...whatever. I learned long ago from all this family drama that if it doesn't [U]directly[U] impact MY house then there is nothing that I can do other than listen and provide emotional support. I never give input or opinion unless asked. It is safer that way.
I thought I was doing good until I was branded a liar and excluded. It hurts me a lot.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Like everyone has said, it sounds like she is a dry drunk, someone that is sober but is not in recovery in terms of there mental state and attitude.
Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? I would highly recommend them to you. You'll learn to "detach with love" and stop allowing her drama to affect your peace and serenity. Also, keep posting and reading around here! There is a wealth of knowledge in these pages.
Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? I would highly recommend them to you. You'll learn to "detach with love" and stop allowing her drama to affect your peace and serenity. Also, keep posting and reading around here! There is a wealth of knowledge in these pages.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
sistertrouble here is something we use here that is said a lot. It is the 3 c's.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. She will actually bgin a recovery program when she is ready to do it. She is going to set the timetable.
What you can do is set some boundaries like you are not going to take part or listen to her engage in gossip. When she does you either hang up or walk away.
Please try an alanon meeting. You are effected by her alcoholism more than you realize. Also visit here often, we are here to help.
Your friend,
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. She will actually bgin a recovery program when she is ready to do it. She is going to set the timetable.
What you can do is set some boundaries like you are not going to take part or listen to her engage in gossip. When she does you either hang up or walk away.
Please try an alanon meeting. You are effected by her alcoholism more than you realize. Also visit here often, we are here to help.
Your friend,
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