yorkiegirl

KeepinOn, big, warm hugs to you and your children.

The truth is, it may or may not be the drinking (i.e. the problem), but you and your husband will never know *until* he stops drinking (and goes into recovery). What I hear him saying is "No, I won't quit. Don't stand in the way of my alcohol." What you are saying is rational, even amidst the insanity. I learned when I was talking to my husband during his active alcoholism days is that we couldn't really have a "rational" conversation when it came to his addictions.

It will probably hurt for a while. . . It's okay to hurt. . . I hope you can hold your two girls close. Take good care of yourself so you can be the parent that is present and engaged in their lives. They need you more than ever. Removing yourself from the toxicity of addiction is a good thing. If not, you will find yourself consumed with anger, sadness, and resentmentl.

He *may* change one day (or not). But for now, let the Universe take care of him and his addiction. If you can, for now, take all the hopes and worries you have for him off your shoulders and out of your mind and release them to the Universe. You can pray for him, send him positive energy, and even "love him" (from afar) if that's want you want to do *but* focus on you and your children. Do for yourself and for your children what you would've wanted him (or anyone else) to do for you and them. Be kind and gentle to yourself and your children. The three of you deserve that. You have each other.

LexieCat

These conversations you keep having with him are getting you nowhere. You see that, right?

They go in circles, you argue, he justifies, you argue, he accuses, round and round, he walks out, you and the kids cry.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. It doesn't look from here as if he has the slightest interest in quitting drinking. If I were you, I would go on the assumption that he simply isn't ready yet, and that he will continue to drink as he has been. Your choices are basically to (a) accept that reality and stay with him, doing what you can to make life as "normal" as possible for your children or (b) accept that reality and leave--for now, at least. You do have one other choice, which is to continue as you have been, continue to argue with him and to feel miserable with the outcome of every "discussion".

I can't tell you how long it will take you to "move on and feel better." A lot depends on how much work you are willing to put into your own recovery. The sooner you are able to get to a place of acceptance of your situation, the sooner you will be able to do something about it. Acceptance doesn't mean it's OK, it just means that you stop fighting a reality you are powerless to change: his alcoholism. Given that reality, how can you make a good and happy life for you and your kids? Trust me, it's possible to do that. Lots of us on the boards have managed to do that. Although life might be "happier" if the alcoholic would just magically not be an alcoholic anymore, that option isn't available. You and the kids can still have a good, and happy, life regardless whether he continues to drink. But only if you, as the non-alcoholic parent, steps up and makes changes in your living situation that will restore peace to the home.

pixilation

You know what, besides the money issues(AH thinks that the $300 he handed over this month is PLENTY for child support) these 3 weeks that the kids and I have been out of the house have been the calmest I've(and they) have been in ages. 3yo doesn't try to run out of the apartment constantly, he askes me to play with him, he LISTENS to me, mostly(he's 3, I can only expect so much) 9yo too, it's amazing the difference not living in the chaos has brought about.

So, based on my experience I think you may just be pleasantly surprised.

As for moving on, I mourned the relationship being over when I hit bottom last January. The crying I've done since moving out has been more because my eldest son has chosen to stay with his father, who both blame me. According to AH(who has passed the idea onto 15yo) I just HAD to be cheating on AH, me leaving has nothing to do with his alcohol use, or his abuse of me, but because of someone else..still waiting for this "someone else" to show up at my apartment, I could use a good time for a few hours, but since this "someone else" doesn't exist, I think I'll be waiting awhile.

BTW

I know that was a rhetorical question (or not, but of course no one can know for sure), for me each time things changed drastically, first when I left my AH and then when I had to take 100% custody of our kids, age 2 and 5, each of those times things seemed chaotic, exhausting, and disorienting at first. That eased up both times after about 3 months. It was still chaotic and exhausting after that but not quite so disorienting. When the disorientation began to abate and we settled into our new routines, I began to feel like I could handle what was in front of me.

Three months probably seems like a LONG time, and taking everything one day at a time or one moment at a time is definitely the right approach. But eventually (and probably not TOO long in the grand scheme of things) you'll begin to feel like you can handle it.

Don't forget, too, you've probably been doing the majority of the parenting, emotionally and physically, by yourself for a while anyway. Removing the drama and knowing exactly what you have to do can help. When you KNOW you have to do all the baths, night wakings, emotional support, school trips, whatever, when you KNOW that you are the one who WILL be doing those things, and you are no longer getting resentful over broken promises or watching him passed out while you're doing it, it's a lot easier to take. Either way you're doing most of the work, this way you can plan it out better, know what to do, and just get it done.

KeepinOnDaily

Thank you all. Soo true.
The sad part is I just spoke with his mom and she is very mad, upset and worried. She thinks he needs massive help and needs to start making the right choices and be with his family, start taking responsibility, etc.
I told her regardless of all that, he doesn't seem to want to, actions speak louder than words, and sadly, I told her he said he just doesn't really even want to be with me anymore. I said 'What do you do when someone doesn't want to be with you? I cannot sit around here and wait for him to suddenly change his mind when honestly I dont trust him." She just was quiet and I know she wants us to work this out, but its not her decision. Her son is the one who is pushing me away and I refuse to keep sitting around allowing it to happen. Yes, I wish he'd just go and I could move on but he has nowhere to go, we cannot afford another place for him to live and little ManBoy refuses to stay at his mom and dads.
Looks like he is going to have to because I no longer even want him around here anymore because of the lack of peace I feel when he is around.
He stresses me out even when he is not drinking. I have been so naive for so long and just ready to start making the healthy choices.