How do I handle this with 2 young kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
We are renting a house on the beach--- through a private renter. And oddly enough, just a few days ago he said he was going to pay the balance because he felt we should go and that "it will be okay." Not sure how it is supposed to be "OKAY" when we aren't together, he still hasn't agreed he has a problem and he still is blaming me.
I told him I am uneasy about the idea of going but another part of me is very uneasy if I didn't give it a shot. This morning I found his wedding band he purposely left for me to find. So its like why would we go on this trip together if you're leaving behind your ring? These are cries for help here.
I told him I am uneasy about the idea of going but another part of me is very uneasy if I didn't give it a shot. This morning I found his wedding band he purposely left for me to find. So its like why would we go on this trip together if you're leaving behind your ring? These are cries for help here.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I remember when I just started saying "I'm not comfortable with that". Then I would say no more. In time she began to understand that was my way of saying, nope, not gonna do that, and I'm not gonna change my mind.
He payed the balance with out checking with you, then it's on him. Do what you're comfortable with.
He payed the balance with out checking with you, then it's on him. Do what you're comfortable with.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Every summer XABF planned a giant vacation to New England for a week.
Last year it took all of my vacation days, plus working 16 hours one day to make up for the fact I was a vacation day short.
It was the worst "vacation" I have ever had. I enjoyed the first two days, because XABF was mostly sober, since he was meeting his son's family (they live up there). Day three the "Maintenance Required" light went on in his dashboard. According to the manual for his truck, the "Maintenance Required" light only comes on as a reminder to change the oil - something we had done two days before the trip, but the shop that did it never reset the light.
The rest of the day he spent shouting at me for being stupid because the direction for resetting the timer were unclear in the manual and it took two hours of him driving around in the pouring rain in Salem, Massachusetts verbally abusing me before my poor overwhelmed brain could think to call Information and ask to be transferred to the service department of a dealership in Wichita, Kansas to ask them to talk me through resetting the light, since that was the first timezone that would be open.
The remainder of the vacation was spent with me driving us to the next hotel on the list, using his credit card to check in (leaving him in the car), and dragging him to the hotel room so that he could lay on the floor, verbally abuse me some more, blame me for the fact that he was too drunk to attend anything he had scheduled for the day or the previous day, accuse me of killing him and ruining his life, and all sorts of other various and sundry non-niceties.
That was my "vacation" last year, with an active alcoholic.
I am not "going" on a vacation this year. My sponsor and I are going to a reputable French restaurant, and we are going to be ordering the priciest tasting menu they offer, because that is something I'll enjoy.
And I'll still save money compared with vacationing with XABF!
Last year it took all of my vacation days, plus working 16 hours one day to make up for the fact I was a vacation day short.
It was the worst "vacation" I have ever had. I enjoyed the first two days, because XABF was mostly sober, since he was meeting his son's family (they live up there). Day three the "Maintenance Required" light went on in his dashboard. According to the manual for his truck, the "Maintenance Required" light only comes on as a reminder to change the oil - something we had done two days before the trip, but the shop that did it never reset the light.
The rest of the day he spent shouting at me for being stupid because the direction for resetting the timer were unclear in the manual and it took two hours of him driving around in the pouring rain in Salem, Massachusetts verbally abusing me before my poor overwhelmed brain could think to call Information and ask to be transferred to the service department of a dealership in Wichita, Kansas to ask them to talk me through resetting the light, since that was the first timezone that would be open.
The remainder of the vacation was spent with me driving us to the next hotel on the list, using his credit card to check in (leaving him in the car), and dragging him to the hotel room so that he could lay on the floor, verbally abuse me some more, blame me for the fact that he was too drunk to attend anything he had scheduled for the day or the previous day, accuse me of killing him and ruining his life, and all sorts of other various and sundry non-niceties.
That was my "vacation" last year, with an active alcoholic.
I am not "going" on a vacation this year. My sponsor and I are going to a reputable French restaurant, and we are going to be ordering the priciest tasting menu they offer, because that is something I'll enjoy.
And I'll still save money compared with vacationing with XABF!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
Today we spoke and he agreed it probably wouldn't be a good idea to go ahead with the trip in the state we are in right now...
He also told me he worries he won't forgive himself and that I will never get over all this(including his cheating years ago). I told him that is something I need to work on myself, which I really feel is part of why I get so bitchy. He said he fears this marriage is beyond repair because of all the things he has done.
We agreed to talk tonight about where this separation is heading and what days he can see the kids at his parents house, where he is currently staying. He still states he is not going to AA and that he just is not going to drink like that anymore and that he must deal with his own anger and our marriage issues first.
What would you do going forward?
He also told me he worries he won't forgive himself and that I will never get over all this(including his cheating years ago). I told him that is something I need to work on myself, which I really feel is part of why I get so bitchy. He said he fears this marriage is beyond repair because of all the things he has done.
We agreed to talk tonight about where this separation is heading and what days he can see the kids at his parents house, where he is currently staying. He still states he is not going to AA and that he just is not going to drink like that anymore and that he must deal with his own anger and our marriage issues first.
What would you do going forward?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily 
Today we spoke and he agreed it probably wouldn't be a good idea to go ahead with the trip in the state we are in right now...
He also told me he worries he won't forgive himself and that I will never get over all this(including his cheating years ago). I told him that is something I need to work on myself, which I really feel is part of why I get so bitchy. He said he fears this marriage is beyond repair because of all the things he has done.
We agreed to talk tonight about where this separation is heading and what days he can see the kids at his parents house, where he is currently staying. He still states he is not going to AA and that he just is not going to drink like that anymore and that he must deal with his own anger and our marriage issues first.
What would you do going forward?
He also told me he worries he won't forgive himself and that I will never get over all this(including his cheating years ago). I told him that is something I need to work on myself, which I really feel is part of why I get so bitchy. He said he fears this marriage is beyond repair because of all the things he has done.
We agreed to talk tonight about where this separation is heading and what days he can see the kids at his parents house, where he is currently staying. He still states he is not going to AA and that he just is not going to drink like that anymore and that he must deal with his own anger and our marriage issues first.
What would you do going forward?
Your husband is still trying to blame people, places, and things (a common phrase in AA and Al-Anon) instead of taking a good hard look inside himself. I don't have any advice on what to do now, except be very wary and be very careful. Watch, listen, and be on guard. Insist on sustained change and personal responsibility.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily
I can only go to meetings and do what I have to do right now. Taking it DAY BY DAY! I guess I just wonder---how do you ever get past that point of telling your husband this is it and he just keeps on denying it?
I used to panic because it seemed that even with all the advice out there no one was ever there to hold our hands through difficult conversations, to help us keep perspective -- like a birth coach, now I think about it! Someone to help us come out of the conversation unscathed. I guess it is even more like giving birth, because breathing helps, remembering to breathe, remembering to be calm, remembering that the pain will not last forever.
I can't tell you what to do but I promise that the more you learn about caring for yourself the stronger you will feel, the pain will start to go away.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
KeepinOn,
I left with one child (3 and a half) after 14 and a half years together. I wanted him to leave. He wouldn't so I had to, for my sake and for my daughter's sake. It was the hardest thing I did. I like the suggestion about "planning." It took about another 4 months after I absolutely decided to leave (opening up my own bank account, opening up a P.O. box, deciding where to go temporarily before I set up, etc.) It was excruciatingly difficult *but* the best thing I ever did.
When you mention how your anniversary is coming up and you're planning a trip. . . I remember how all those events "coming up" (& usually paid for) would prevent me from acting on what I knew I should be doing (that is, removing myself from the situation). In retrospect, those "events" (trips, vacations, visits to wherever, etc.) weren't worth my suffering, my pain, my insanity.
I had to ask myself in those first 14 and a half years with my husband (living in active alcoholism), what have I absolutely *not* done? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I wanted "different results." (Of course, I wanted him to stop drinking.) What could *I* do that was different --so different from what I had been doing all these years? The answer became clear for me: leave!
(I can be long-winded & repetitive so I'll try to keep it short.) It was the best thing for myself, our daughter and my RAH. After two years of separation, we are back together (both in recovery). The goal for me was *not* to get back together. It was to start a new life without addiction (with or without him--I assumed without him when I had left).
Alanon meetings are helpful. I'm not consistent about going but it really helps. This forum helps. There are so many warm, kind, experienced, wise people whom I learn from all the time. I disappear and then reappear in order to gather up the tools to help me get through life in general. I need to be reminded every so often I come from generations of addiction (alcoholism) and married into it as well, even if the A's in my life are no longer drinking anymore, so. . . I need to be in check all the time. Keeping myself in check makes me a much, much more serene and loving mother.
For now (or for indefinitely), your daughters don't have a father basically. They have you and they *need* you. They need you present in their lives, not just physically but in every possible way (emotionally, spiritually, etc.) Focusing on your husband and his drinking (being angry, being obsessed, etc.) will only interfere with being able to be your girls' mommy. Children are smart. Children are intuitive. Children are sensitive. Children are resilient. They deserve adults in their lives (especially the one that isn't pouring mind-altering substances down their throats) to be their cushion, their advocate, their champion, their lifeline!
Best to you. I hope you will find what is best for you and your daughters! (They deserve not to have to live in such close proximity to active alcoholism).
Sorry this is so long.
I left with one child (3 and a half) after 14 and a half years together. I wanted him to leave. He wouldn't so I had to, for my sake and for my daughter's sake. It was the hardest thing I did. I like the suggestion about "planning." It took about another 4 months after I absolutely decided to leave (opening up my own bank account, opening up a P.O. box, deciding where to go temporarily before I set up, etc.) It was excruciatingly difficult *but* the best thing I ever did.
When you mention how your anniversary is coming up and you're planning a trip. . . I remember how all those events "coming up" (& usually paid for) would prevent me from acting on what I knew I should be doing (that is, removing myself from the situation). In retrospect, those "events" (trips, vacations, visits to wherever, etc.) weren't worth my suffering, my pain, my insanity.
I had to ask myself in those first 14 and a half years with my husband (living in active alcoholism), what have I absolutely *not* done? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I wanted "different results." (Of course, I wanted him to stop drinking.) What could *I* do that was different --so different from what I had been doing all these years? The answer became clear for me: leave!
(I can be long-winded & repetitive so I'll try to keep it short.) It was the best thing for myself, our daughter and my RAH. After two years of separation, we are back together (both in recovery). The goal for me was *not* to get back together. It was to start a new life without addiction (with or without him--I assumed without him when I had left).
Alanon meetings are helpful. I'm not consistent about going but it really helps. This forum helps. There are so many warm, kind, experienced, wise people whom I learn from all the time. I disappear and then reappear in order to gather up the tools to help me get through life in general. I need to be reminded every so often I come from generations of addiction (alcoholism) and married into it as well, even if the A's in my life are no longer drinking anymore, so. . . I need to be in check all the time. Keeping myself in check makes me a much, much more serene and loving mother.
For now (or for indefinitely), your daughters don't have a father basically. They have you and they *need* you. They need you present in their lives, not just physically but in every possible way (emotionally, spiritually, etc.) Focusing on your husband and his drinking (being angry, being obsessed, etc.) will only interfere with being able to be your girls' mommy. Children are smart. Children are intuitive. Children are sensitive. Children are resilient. They deserve adults in their lives (especially the one that isn't pouring mind-altering substances down their throats) to be their cushion, their advocate, their champion, their lifeline!
Best to you. I hope you will find what is best for you and your daughters! (They deserve not to have to live in such close proximity to active alcoholism).
Sorry this is so long.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
Well he said he wanted to come back home yesterday-- said he wanted to try, misses us and the kids...and wanted to try to come back in house. I said what my boundaries were, that I didn't want any drinking, wanted him to be calm in house, and that I wanted him to show us effort...
He literally comes home hours later to drop off stuff and then left to go to a meeting for work. I notice 2 beers missing from fridge--- I call him out on it, he lies about it, denies, then finally admits "Whats the big deal? I had 2 beers with lunch? Like I'm hammered? Really? You're starting this control this again?"
SO I dropped it, told him no lies, this is serious, I need him to not do that, if he wants to be in house. I had already had plans that week to go to dinner w my cousin and I was nervous about leaving house but he claimed he would just grill and hang out with the girls in backyard. I come home after dinner and there's the neighbors over sitting on my patio, having drinks, with their kids in the house all eating at my kitchen table, and my AH is grilling for everyone. I was shocked, I told him this wasn't what I expected on day one for his return to the house and that I could tell he was drinking. Flat out denied he was drinking but I could tell he had atleast a few, from where, I dont know because i couldn't find it. Anyway, I was less than friendly to the neighbors and made a comment to my cousin "Im sorry we can't really relax on the patio, sorry...didnt know it was going to be a circus over here..." My husband got so upset that I was "embarrasing him and embarrassing myself" and went on a tangent about what a b!tch I am and can't I ever just be cool? I dropped it and said "im sorry, but I came home to relax with you, its the first day you're back in the house and you have people over here drinking." He wouldnt drop it, used it as an excuse to give up and throw in the towel, stating how he was done with me being so controlling, done w my rude attitude and that he was not going to be treated like a child. I said he is more concerned with his appearance to others than what his own wife and children think of him.
He told me I should go to my parents and I refused, I was advised by an attorney that if I leave after hes been out for a few weeks, it wont look good in court, stay there with children and it looks better in court that I remained in house, but if he threatens me in any way to call police and file for temp restraining order... He said I'm being stubborn and that he wants to go monday to file for a legal separation. I called my parents and they said enough is enough--- he's cheated on me multiple times, he has threatened me, he has had several episodes related to drinking where i have had to leave the house before--- at this point he should be remorseful and telling me he will do whatever it takes and he just wont. So, I cannot make him do one thing... what do I do to protect myself and the children? I am so worried with school starting in a month, having to pull them out of their schools and move to a new home because I cannot afford this on my own. He also is salary based with commissions and bonuses that he could easily hide in the future---so I need to know how to protect myself with that as well. HELP!
He literally comes home hours later to drop off stuff and then left to go to a meeting for work. I notice 2 beers missing from fridge--- I call him out on it, he lies about it, denies, then finally admits "Whats the big deal? I had 2 beers with lunch? Like I'm hammered? Really? You're starting this control this again?"
SO I dropped it, told him no lies, this is serious, I need him to not do that, if he wants to be in house. I had already had plans that week to go to dinner w my cousin and I was nervous about leaving house but he claimed he would just grill and hang out with the girls in backyard. I come home after dinner and there's the neighbors over sitting on my patio, having drinks, with their kids in the house all eating at my kitchen table, and my AH is grilling for everyone. I was shocked, I told him this wasn't what I expected on day one for his return to the house and that I could tell he was drinking. Flat out denied he was drinking but I could tell he had atleast a few, from where, I dont know because i couldn't find it. Anyway, I was less than friendly to the neighbors and made a comment to my cousin "Im sorry we can't really relax on the patio, sorry...didnt know it was going to be a circus over here..." My husband got so upset that I was "embarrasing him and embarrassing myself" and went on a tangent about what a b!tch I am and can't I ever just be cool? I dropped it and said "im sorry, but I came home to relax with you, its the first day you're back in the house and you have people over here drinking." He wouldnt drop it, used it as an excuse to give up and throw in the towel, stating how he was done with me being so controlling, done w my rude attitude and that he was not going to be treated like a child. I said he is more concerned with his appearance to others than what his own wife and children think of him.
He told me I should go to my parents and I refused, I was advised by an attorney that if I leave after hes been out for a few weeks, it wont look good in court, stay there with children and it looks better in court that I remained in house, but if he threatens me in any way to call police and file for temp restraining order... He said I'm being stubborn and that he wants to go monday to file for a legal separation. I called my parents and they said enough is enough--- he's cheated on me multiple times, he has threatened me, he has had several episodes related to drinking where i have had to leave the house before--- at this point he should be remorseful and telling me he will do whatever it takes and he just wont. So, I cannot make him do one thing... what do I do to protect myself and the children? I am so worried with school starting in a month, having to pull them out of their schools and move to a new home because I cannot afford this on my own. He also is salary based with commissions and bonuses that he could easily hide in the future---so I need to know how to protect myself with that as well. HELP!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
One moment at a time. What do you need, in this moment, to feel safe? What can you lay down for tomorrow? How can you phrase your boundaries so that they make sense to you?
IMO, you can tuck your kids in, read them a story, and go to bed, knowing that your first phone call tomorrow is to the lawyer. It's just a suggestion. Do, please, take some time to meditate and come to a calm place within yourself before dealing with kids or husbands or lawyers.
- Sylvie
IMO, you can tuck your kids in, read them a story, and go to bed, knowing that your first phone call tomorrow is to the lawyer. It's just a suggestion. Do, please, take some time to meditate and come to a calm place within yourself before dealing with kids or husbands or lawyers.
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I have 2 young girls (3 and nearly 6) and they are both cranky so this is brief for now-- I wanted to say to pls pm me if you like and I'll share lots of details about how I'm trying to navigate very similar ciricumstances and just say here that I am so sorry and can really empathize with all you're going through. From wondering what to do- go , stay etc... To having in laws accusing you of being the alcoholic and saying if you weren't so angry/emotional all would be fine, to having an AH saying that the marriage is the problem not the drinking (and so I spent the past 2 yrs trying to work on the "marriage" and change myself). His drinking HAS progressed now and his nasty behavior is subtle much of the time but my 5 yr old has suffered A LOT. She now lashes out at me and her 3 yr old sister using the very words that her father uses-- it really shows that the subtle stuff gets picked up on.
I've got to run but will pm you later... Hang in there..
I've got to run but will pm you later... Hang in there..
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily
what do I do to protect myself and the children? I am so worried with school starting in a month, having to pull them out of their schools and move to a new home because I cannot afford this on my own. He also is salary based with commissions and bonuses that he could easily hide in the future---so I need to know how to protect myself with that as well. HELP!
Here are some thoughts that helped me organize my thinking. Maybe they'll help you too.
To protect yourself and your children you create a safe, calm, loving environment. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, logistically safe, calm, and loving. This is your goal and you do the 'next right thing' that moves you in that direction. You don't have to map out every move for the next 5 years or even 5 months. You do the next right thing today. You can change your mind and even make mistakes and it will be OK. We are just normal people after all and that is how it works!
I had been stuck in trying to make my ah fit into that goal. With words, requests, pleas, manipulations, accepting and/or ignoring, and every which way from Sunday I tried. For years. That was keeping me very stuck because I couldn't make him do anything (as you have recently discovered) and his actions were working against my goal. So I hit my bottom and looked at my goal, and I wiped the board clean. Started at zero and did the next right thing to reach the goal. Once I had ah out of the picture (not literally but off the board so to speak), I could start organizing my thoughts a bit better and start moving towards my goal. It was a rough road but SR and a counselor helped me a lot.
Your lawyer can help protect you legally. My xah also refused to leave. I learned I could file a petition for divorce and could ask for immediate and temporary use of the family home. He'd legally have to leave if I was granted that request (and I most likely would have been). I could leave the divorce petition sit there and never go through with it if I didn't want to but I could get him out, which I was absolutely desperate to do.
I also had to make the painful decision to move to a more affordable place.
It was hard on the kids (harder on the older one so I think your children are at a better age to handle it well) because they had so many changes already but I do not regret it. My xah also told them how wrong and mean I was to do it, which didn't help. I moved from our family home 30 miles away to a home I could afford on my own. Financial security is no small thing and their lives are better for it even if they are way to young to know anything about that. 18 months later and we are doing good. My only 'advice' is to keep posting. Keeping putting your thoughts, worries, fears out there because I found so much strength and clarity from SR when I was in the same spot.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
What Thumper just said is literally so similar to what I'd planned to come back here and write that I feel it would be an injustice to the words already written to try and re-phrase it.
I've been afraid (still am) of the financial piece (I lost my job and we can't afford our house and an apt so the reality is that my girls will have to leave their house and it's what it is), I've been afraid of his refusal to leave, I've wondered if I should believe him "this time" when he makes the same promises... I've worried about how he'll treat the kids when I am not around etc...
What's been most significant to me on this site related to do I stay/go/try again etc... is hearing the stories of those who grew up in alcoholic homes. My D's are 3 and 5 and already suffered more than they should have. Most of the time there's been silent tension, nasty looks, cutting remarks-- things that to an outsider look like no big deal. It is all a VERY big deal. My 5 yr old treats her sister and I exactly like her father treats me and laughs about hurting others, blames others when they are upset, and is disturbingly aloof about others being hurt or sad (even laughs when her sister is hurt-- sometimes at the hands of her). Clearly any living in an alcoholic home impacts kids tremendously and that is what keeps moving me fwd.
I don't really know if this answers anything or helps-- I'm just trying to think of what I have to share that may be of use...
I've been afraid (still am) of the financial piece (I lost my job and we can't afford our house and an apt so the reality is that my girls will have to leave their house and it's what it is), I've been afraid of his refusal to leave, I've wondered if I should believe him "this time" when he makes the same promises... I've worried about how he'll treat the kids when I am not around etc...
What's been most significant to me on this site related to do I stay/go/try again etc... is hearing the stories of those who grew up in alcoholic homes. My D's are 3 and 5 and already suffered more than they should have. Most of the time there's been silent tension, nasty looks, cutting remarks-- things that to an outsider look like no big deal. It is all a VERY big deal. My 5 yr old treats her sister and I exactly like her father treats me and laughs about hurting others, blames others when they are upset, and is disturbingly aloof about others being hurt or sad (even laughs when her sister is hurt-- sometimes at the hands of her). Clearly any living in an alcoholic home impacts kids tremendously and that is what keeps moving me fwd.
I don't really know if this answers anything or helps-- I'm just trying to think of what I have to share that may be of use...
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I knew from a very young age that my father was an alcoholic. We were brought up telling little lies to our father as not to upset him. The entire family was on eggshells when he was around. My brother had addiction issues, and I have trouble with open honest relationships. Alcoholism destroys families. I wish my mom would have left much sooner. Although I have never been to Alanon, I would suggest going. It has helped a lot of friends. I am going to my first meeting this morning. Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
He admitted today that he just doesn't see this ever working out and that he doesn't think it boils down to alcohol... he said we just dont get along, that all I do is nag or criticize and that when he is around me he feels a sense of tension around me. He said I never forgave him for the cheating and that i always bring it up and that we have tried, but it always ends up back to us fighting,
I told him he is right about me bringing up the cheating, because everytime he is lying, being dishonest, hiding things, it brings up a tension in me as well and just reminds me of what he did and how he still hasn't learned to trust himself either. I am tired of the fighting and tired of his lack of efforts, I have been going to Al-Anon, marital counseling, counseling on my own, etc and all the while he still blames me.
The two kids are the ones who are suffering right now and its hard not to blame myself because I stuck with him despite the cheating and many many bad drinking episodes. I shouldve left a while ago and was just too scared and thought we had a great thing together, everyone always envied us...little did they know....
I told him he is right about me bringing up the cheating, because everytime he is lying, being dishonest, hiding things, it brings up a tension in me as well and just reminds me of what he did and how he still hasn't learned to trust himself either. I am tired of the fighting and tired of his lack of efforts, I have been going to Al-Anon, marital counseling, counseling on my own, etc and all the while he still blames me.
The two kids are the ones who are suffering right now and its hard not to blame myself because I stuck with him despite the cheating and many many bad drinking episodes. I shouldve left a while ago and was just too scared and thought we had a great thing together, everyone always envied us...little did they know....
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
They NEVER think it "boils down to the alcohol"--it HAS to be something else, because, sheesh, if it were the ALCOHOL, they would *gasp* have to QUIT DRINKING.
Don't take his analysis of the situation to heart. He isn't thinking clearly and is deep in denial. You can't wake him up, but you can wake up, yourself.
Don't take his analysis of the situation to heart. He isn't thinking clearly and is deep in denial. You can't wake him up, but you can wake up, yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It is useless to try and get him to understand. He isn't capable while he is drinking. He has the voice of addiction in his head and it drowns out all others and squashes the voice of reason.
Try not to beat yourself up over the kids. You are focused now and just do the next right thing. It is so hard at this point but, in time, the kids will see you working to make yourself, your life, their life, the best that it can be. The best that you can make it. The best is all we can do. We do the best we know how, and life teaches us lessons and we learn things along the way so we can do better and keep moving towards our goals. It is so hard to accept that our kids are living with painful situations but I have come to believe that if we keep moving by doing the next right thing we are also teaching them very powerful, and positive, lessons about how to live life and take care of themselves. Live happens. Not everyone's life is a rose garden, not even for kids, but how we teach them to handle it makes all the difference. We teach by example primarily. We start from today, and move foward.
Here is a poem I love... Start Where You Stand
When I think of my own parents, who were not abusive or anything but not perfect, I do not think of their mistakes - I remember and hold dear their love and their commitment to doing the best they knew how for my brother and I. I think that is what our kids will remember too.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily
He admitted today that he just doesn't see this ever working out and that he doesn't think it boils down to alcohol... he said we just dont get along, that all I do is nag or criticize and that when he is around me he feels a sense of tension around me. He said I never forgave him for the cheating and that i always bring it up and that we have tried, but it always ends up back to us fighting,
I told him he is right about me bringing up the cheating, because everytime he is lying, being dishonest, hiding things, it brings up a tension in me as well and just reminds me of what he did and how he still hasn't learned to trust himself either. I am tired of the fighting and tired of his lack of efforts, I have been going to Al-Anon, marital counseling, counseling on my own, etc and all the while he still blames me.
The two kids are the ones who are suffering right now and its hard not to blame myself because I stuck with him despite the cheating and many many bad drinking episodes. I shouldve left a while ago and was just too scared and thought we had a great thing together, everyone always envied us...little did they know....
I told him he is right about me bringing up the cheating, because everytime he is lying, being dishonest, hiding things, it brings up a tension in me as well and just reminds me of what he did and how he still hasn't learned to trust himself either. I am tired of the fighting and tired of his lack of efforts, I have been going to Al-Anon, marital counseling, counseling on my own, etc and all the while he still blames me.
The two kids are the ones who are suffering right now and its hard not to blame myself because I stuck with him despite the cheating and many many bad drinking episodes. I shouldve left a while ago and was just too scared and thought we had a great thing together, everyone always envied us...little did they know....
Maybe, as hard/sad as this is, take his saying that as a chance to perhaps get him on board with a mediation/lawyer and try to get some details hashed out... your concerns about finances/hiding money are real. I NEVER thought my AH would do that and it turns out he has recently and I kick myself for not taking advice long ago on here and from others about separating my finances...
I'm struggling like you with thoughts about where will my kids go to school, where will we live etc... I'm just going day to day at the moment since it's all I can do. It doesn't feel good or comfortable but knowing I'm on the way to getting my kids and myself out of this craziness is something I remind myself of and that helps...
You're in my thoughts...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
I'm just going day to day at the moment since it's all I can do. It doesn't feel good or comfortable but knowing I'm on the way to getting my kids and myself out of this craziness is something I remind myself of and that helps...
You are going to be okay, I promise!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
I tried talking with him tonight and he kept getting up and walking away from me. I didn't blame or whine, yell, cry, etc. I spoke calmy and very matter of fact about things. I said to him these are the facts, not accusations, blame, etc...I said the fact is that our weekends have been spent with you not eating breakfast with myself and the kids because you're in bed, you get up, come down and eat some leftovers, go back to bed for a "nap" at 10:30 am, then come down later afternoon, eat a snack or lunch, watch tv and then work out. I said then "after you work out, you shower, lay in bed some more and read or you feel deserving of a drink, and you might go to the store and we actually have an evening together with the kids..." So in other words, we don't really get to to much with the kids because of his choices that revolve around him.
He told me normal people don't go blabbing to their family about everything and telling them all their problems.He is so angry I ever told his parents about how his drinking concerned me and how I told my parents. big shock. He would like to keep it as private as possible. I told him, "Well, I get that, and acknowledge that you might have felt embarrassed about it, but also, normal people dont get drunk and drive home and pass out in their cars. Normal people dont take shots out of a rum bottle infront of their children. Normal people dont go out for the night and just not come home...." He sat there SILENT. He had nothing to say.
I told him I am sorry for being a nag during those times, for yelling or being sarcastic or bitchy because I was frustrated or annoyed...and I said I acknowledge my role in that and I said I am sorry that I acted like that, I said I am sure that was never helpful for you nor did it ever help me. I said I know I probably tried to control it too much but I have learned i cannot control you, I said the drinking has made our lives unmanageable and I can no longer live like this. He said " AGAIN...you want to blame the drinking!! We just dont get along...stop blaming the drinking!!"
Still refuses to acknowledge anything and got up and told me he was going out tonight. My kids started crying... Once again...making a choice for himself and not thinking of the family.
I am ready for a divorce and my family at this point is disgusted with his lack of effort and for not even wanting to try for his two little girls sake. He has put us into debt, has cheated on me twice in this so called marriage, and has repeatedly lied to me over and over.
He has broken me down so much little by little over time and I have just become numb. I know I have to move on and make a life now for my kids without him as my husband. I was so blind to think he'd ever change...just wondering...how LONG DOES IT TAKE TO MOVE ON AND FEEL BETTER?!
He told me normal people don't go blabbing to their family about everything and telling them all their problems.He is so angry I ever told his parents about how his drinking concerned me and how I told my parents. big shock. He would like to keep it as private as possible. I told him, "Well, I get that, and acknowledge that you might have felt embarrassed about it, but also, normal people dont get drunk and drive home and pass out in their cars. Normal people dont take shots out of a rum bottle infront of their children. Normal people dont go out for the night and just not come home...." He sat there SILENT. He had nothing to say.
I told him I am sorry for being a nag during those times, for yelling or being sarcastic or bitchy because I was frustrated or annoyed...and I said I acknowledge my role in that and I said I am sorry that I acted like that, I said I am sure that was never helpful for you nor did it ever help me. I said I know I probably tried to control it too much but I have learned i cannot control you, I said the drinking has made our lives unmanageable and I can no longer live like this. He said " AGAIN...you want to blame the drinking!! We just dont get along...stop blaming the drinking!!"
Still refuses to acknowledge anything and got up and told me he was going out tonight. My kids started crying... Once again...making a choice for himself and not thinking of the family.
I am ready for a divorce and my family at this point is disgusted with his lack of effort and for not even wanting to try for his two little girls sake. He has put us into debt, has cheated on me twice in this so called marriage, and has repeatedly lied to me over and over.
He has broken me down so much little by little over time and I have just become numb. I know I have to move on and make a life now for my kids without him as my husband. I was so blind to think he'd ever change...just wondering...how LONG DOES IT TAKE TO MOVE ON AND FEEL BETTER?!
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