How do I handle this with 2 young kids?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Last night he hung out with the girls---I went to go have dinner with a friend. He asked that i just go out, so I did-- I needed to just talk with someone and I come home to have the girls tell me he took them to the grocery store and bought beer including some other things we needed. But, of course, when I come home, he threw the bottles in the garbage on the side of the house. His rationale when was "Well, didn't you go have drinks tonight?" YES! But this isn't about me! I had a glass of WINE with DINNER--- not pounding a 6 pack while letting my kids play outside. I am calling his father today and telling him i NEED HIS HELP and that my husband must be out of the house.
I cannot live in a constant state of despair and worrying about what he is going to say or do here and I have accepted I CANNOT HELP HIM.
I have told my husband I cannot help him, he cannot keep with the blaming and excuses, I said you are so worried about me controlling you but "you have to realize that it is not me controlling you, or anyone else---you are being controlled by the booze." and he just says "Ok." I told him he better fight this for us and our family--- he really has a great family and is so blessed and it doesn't matter because its getting thrown all away by him.
How do we handle it for the week---What do I tell the kids? We have family parties all this weekend and I dont think I can exactly say he is going out of town. I feel horrible for the kids and dont know what to tell them. I feel like i am living hour by hour.
I cannot live in a constant state of despair and worrying about what he is going to say or do here and I have accepted I CANNOT HELP HIM.
I have told my husband I cannot help him, he cannot keep with the blaming and excuses, I said you are so worried about me controlling you but "you have to realize that it is not me controlling you, or anyone else---you are being controlled by the booze." and he just says "Ok." I told him he better fight this for us and our family--- he really has a great family and is so blessed and it doesn't matter because its getting thrown all away by him.
How do we handle it for the week---What do I tell the kids? We have family parties all this weekend and I dont think I can exactly say he is going out of town. I feel horrible for the kids and dont know what to tell them. I feel like i am living hour by hour.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
KoD -
You don't have to handle it for the week. You don't have to engage. Parties can be cancelled, plans can be changed. If he were away for the next week, what would you do? Do that. Try to come up with your own boundaries, and let him do his own thing. Obviously, he can't be around the kids while he's drinking, it's not safe. But aside from that, let it go. No decisions need to be made right now.
Is there an Al-Anon meeting you can go to? Do you have someone (anyone) who will mind the kids?
Immediate care for you:
- count to 10 before responding to anything he says
- remember that actions speak louder than words
- it's NOT fair, but possibly BETTER for you to just walk away if he's quacking or drunk
- don't do anything if you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT)
- try my four cures: a hug, a cup of tea, a bath, and a nap.
- have fun with your kids
- age-appropriate things to say: Daddy's busy; he's visiting Grandpa; we'll visit in a couple of weeks... keep it simple.
It's hard to not think about the long-term - but if you're dealing hour by hour, try to discipline yourself to just that. Some of us (most of us?) have gotten down to a minute at a time. This phase will end. Things will get better.
- Sylvie
You don't have to handle it for the week. You don't have to engage. Parties can be cancelled, plans can be changed. If he were away for the next week, what would you do? Do that. Try to come up with your own boundaries, and let him do his own thing. Obviously, he can't be around the kids while he's drinking, it's not safe. But aside from that, let it go. No decisions need to be made right now.
Is there an Al-Anon meeting you can go to? Do you have someone (anyone) who will mind the kids?
Immediate care for you:
- count to 10 before responding to anything he says
- remember that actions speak louder than words
- it's NOT fair, but possibly BETTER for you to just walk away if he's quacking or drunk
- don't do anything if you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT)
- try my four cures: a hug, a cup of tea, a bath, and a nap.
- have fun with your kids
- age-appropriate things to say: Daddy's busy; he's visiting Grandpa; we'll visit in a couple of weeks... keep it simple.
It's hard to not think about the long-term - but if you're dealing hour by hour, try to discipline yourself to just that. Some of us (most of us?) have gotten down to a minute at a time. This phase will end. Things will get better.
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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I cannot tell you how much you all have helped me come to grips/terms with this. Thank you all for support and words that have hit home.
I know this sounds like I am defending him though-- but the thing is-- he is not drunk or drunk-acting around the kids, not drinking during the day and holds a great job, so its been even harder for me because he wants to be here around the kids and he's not like falling down and slurring drunk---which would be a no no. He just acts normal, and thats what is scary.
The kids are already asking "whens daddy going to be home tonight?" UGH! It makes it all the more complicated. But, you're right, I'm just keeping it simple with them.
I know this sounds like I am defending him though-- but the thing is-- he is not drunk or drunk-acting around the kids, not drinking during the day and holds a great job, so its been even harder for me because he wants to be here around the kids and he's not like falling down and slurring drunk---which would be a no no. He just acts normal, and thats what is scary.
The kids are already asking "whens daddy going to be home tonight?" UGH! It makes it all the more complicated. But, you're right, I'm just keeping it simple with them.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily 
I cannot tell you how much you all have helped me come to grips/terms with this. Thank you all for support and words that have hit home.
I know this sounds like I am defending him though-- but the thing is-- he is not drunk or drunk-acting around the kids, not drinking during the day and holds a great job, so its been even harder for me because he wants to be here around the kids and he's not like falling down and slurring drunk---which would be a no no. He just acts normal, and thats what is scary.
The kids are already asking "whens daddy going to be home tonight?" UGH! It makes it all the more complicated. But, you're right, I'm just keeping it simple with them.
I know this sounds like I am defending him though-- but the thing is-- he is not drunk or drunk-acting around the kids, not drinking during the day and holds a great job, so its been even harder for me because he wants to be here around the kids and he's not like falling down and slurring drunk---which would be a no no. He just acts normal, and thats what is scary.
The kids are already asking "whens daddy going to be home tonight?" UGH! It makes it all the more complicated. But, you're right, I'm just keeping it simple with them.
yet.
It may help to learn more about the progression of this disease. What helped me learn was AA's Big Book. You can find it online or at any of your local Al-anon meetings.
It described, in detail, what I would likely see happen. And it did. Happen. Oh my.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
I agree with skippernlilg - My AH always waited until the kids were in bed and was never visibly drunk around them - until he was. And then he was driving them, and falling in the hallway and having to be carried out by paramedics in front of them. SO add "yet" to your statement and you will see what is in store for you. And then "normal" becomes drunk and you will wonder what happened. Take control. Now.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 19
*hugs*
Our stories sound so, so similar. I also have two young kids. And like you described, he's a great father and is never falling down drunk around them (at least not lately - it has happened in the past). Because of that, I'm so torn on wanting to leave. I'm keeping in mind what everyone else said about "yet". In my case, I don't feel the time to act (leave) is now but given what we know about the course of alcoholism, I expect it will happen sometime in the future unless my husband gets to a point where he wants to enter recovery.
Our stories sound so, so similar. I also have two young kids. And like you described, he's a great father and is never falling down drunk around them (at least not lately - it has happened in the past). Because of that, I'm so torn on wanting to leave. I'm keeping in mind what everyone else said about "yet". In my case, I don't feel the time to act (leave) is now but given what we know about the course of alcoholism, I expect it will happen sometime in the future unless my husband gets to a point where he wants to enter recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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It is very hard to have him out of the house but I felt relieved because atleast I didn't have to worry about the fighting or feeling the need to observe every thing he was doing...
I think I am feeling it is worse because he still doesn't seem to believe it has become a problem and that he needs AA. But I went to my FIRST Al-Anon meeting last night and I learned that this is all typical common behavior for an alcoholic. All the lies, blames, excuses...I just don't have the DUIs or hospital trips, detox shake stories that others do, yet anyway. Nor do I ever want it to get there.
My problem is this is very fresh and new and the kids are just kinda going with the flow. His parents seem to be in denial too and think that I am an alkie as well simply because I would drink with him and that I have anger issues because I'd be ANGRY when he drank too much. They won't really speak with me about it and throw their hands in the air like "Well we told him to talk to someone but we can't force him to do anything" and "Well, you both need to work this out and go to marriage counseling." Plus he told me to stop contacting his family because he said it makes it look like i have "mental issues." THIS IS SUCH A MESS and I wish I could just turn back time and start over with a new life.
I think I am feeling it is worse because he still doesn't seem to believe it has become a problem and that he needs AA. But I went to my FIRST Al-Anon meeting last night and I learned that this is all typical common behavior for an alcoholic. All the lies, blames, excuses...I just don't have the DUIs or hospital trips, detox shake stories that others do, yet anyway. Nor do I ever want it to get there.
My problem is this is very fresh and new and the kids are just kinda going with the flow. His parents seem to be in denial too and think that I am an alkie as well simply because I would drink with him and that I have anger issues because I'd be ANGRY when he drank too much. They won't really speak with me about it and throw their hands in the air like "Well we told him to talk to someone but we can't force him to do anything" and "Well, you both need to work this out and go to marriage counseling." Plus he told me to stop contacting his family because he said it makes it look like i have "mental issues." THIS IS SUCH A MESS and I wish I could just turn back time and start over with a new life.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
It doesnt matter what his parents say or what he says. What do you want for YOU? For your children? You deserve a wonderful life. I am amazed at the difference I see in my three children in just a few months with the crazy making AH out of the home. Laughter, calmness and smiles. It isnt all easy but it is better.
An attorney will meet with you for a consult for free. Just FYI. Thinking about you -
An attorney will meet with you for a consult for free. Just FYI. Thinking about you -
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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What do I WANT? I want to go back to pretending this was all okay because atleast at the time I didn't have to go through all the fighting, separating, phone calls, texts, back and forth explanations to my parents, blah blah blah--- and I could just go through my life being in a constant state of denial but atleast I could attempt to suck it up and have fun instead of feeling sick everyday now and worried.
He said he wanted to pay the rest of the balance on our vacation coming up and my mom said, "Are you CRAZY? You can't go on that vacation!" I just am in this state of shock. So our 10 yr anniversary vacation---that looms over us both now too. What do we do?
He said he wanted to pay the rest of the balance on our vacation coming up and my mom said, "Are you CRAZY? You can't go on that vacation!" I just am in this state of shock. So our 10 yr anniversary vacation---that looms over us both now too. What do we do?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
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Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily
What do I WANT? I want to go back to pretending this was all okay because atleast at the time I didn't have to go through all the fighting, separating, phone calls, texts, back and forth explanations to my parents, blah blah blah--- and I could just go through my life being in a constant state of denial but atleast I could attempt to suck it up and have fun instead of feeling sick everyday now and worried.
He said he wanted to pay the rest of the balance on our vacation coming up and my mom said, "Are you CRAZY? You can't go on that vacation!" I just am in this state of shock. So our 10 yr anniversary vacation---that looms over us both now too. What do we do?
He said he wanted to pay the rest of the balance on our vacation coming up and my mom said, "Are you CRAZY? You can't go on that vacation!" I just am in this state of shock. So our 10 yr anniversary vacation---that looms over us both now too. What do we do?
You and I both know that when we have expectations (for a trip, for an anniversary, for any of the myriad holidays, for just about any day to day living) we fail. We think we're wrong. We might even think we're becoming just as crazy as what other people, including our As, tell us. Thing is, we come to understand the power of alcohol and how it seeps into the entire family and close-friends circle of consciousness.
About your vacation, you might ask yourself what it is your definition of 'vacation' is and if it's worth your time. You know you can renew vows at any time in your marriage; there is no set rule it *has* to be right at the 10-year mark. Heck, you can even say your renewed vows any way you want: example would be, "I vow to see health for both of us so that we may grow old together"
Wanting the very best for the other person, in my opinion, is love. And sometimes we have to get out of the way for them to even see what The Best is for themselves. That's what I had to do. And now I can see more clearly what is best for me, and for my little boy. We are healthier every single day. And that feels so free!!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily
What do I WANT? I want to go back to pretending this was all okay because atleast at the time I didn't have to go through all the fighting, separating, phone calls, texts, back and forth explanations to my parents, blah blah blah--- and I could just go through my life being in a constant state of denial but atleast I could attempt to suck it up and have fun instead of feeling sick everyday now and worried.
He said he wanted to pay the rest of the balance on our vacation coming up and my mom said, "Are you CRAZY? You can't go on that vacation!" I just am in this state of shock. So our 10 yr anniversary vacation---that looms over us both now too. What do we do?
He said he wanted to pay the rest of the balance on our vacation coming up and my mom said, "Are you CRAZY? You can't go on that vacation!" I just am in this state of shock. So our 10 yr anniversary vacation---that looms over us both now too. What do we do?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily
What do I WANT? I want to go back to pretending this was all okay because atleast at the time I didn't have to go through all the fighting, separating, phone calls, texts, back and forth explanations to my parents, blah blah blah--- and I could just go through my life being in a constant state of denial but atleast I could attempt to suck it up and have fun instead of feeling sick everyday now and worried.
It hurts when you first start to SEE instead of IGNORING reality. The good news, though, is that even if some of what you see stinks, if you keep facing it, with courage, you can start to see what you can do to change it. You won't be able to change HIM, but you can start changing YOU and start working to make your life better.
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I saw him yesterday at a family gathering we went to separately---and it was so odd---very friendly and sweet upon greeting me, kissing me hello, then hours later he was acting distant and cold. Barely would speak.
I tried to give him a good book with daily readings that was just a generic book with passages and he said "i dont need this, take this crap back, I don't need your help." WELL! So i just said ok and walked away. I am so confused why he went from being so sweet to so cold in a few hours, but I guess the ups and downs are normal right now.
Seeing him act like that confirms I am doing the right thing by not having him here in the house and having him stay at his parents, I do not want to ride along with him on his emotional rollercoaster right now.
Each day is hard because I am feeling more and more like he is never going to open up to me. I just remain calm and continue in my daily life with my kids and do the best to maintain normalcy for them. It is just SO HARD when kids are involved!
I tried to give him a good book with daily readings that was just a generic book with passages and he said "i dont need this, take this crap back, I don't need your help." WELL! So i just said ok and walked away. I am so confused why he went from being so sweet to so cold in a few hours, but I guess the ups and downs are normal right now.
Seeing him act like that confirms I am doing the right thing by not having him here in the house and having him stay at his parents, I do not want to ride along with him on his emotional rollercoaster right now.
Each day is hard because I am feeling more and more like he is never going to open up to me. I just remain calm and continue in my daily life with my kids and do the best to maintain normalcy for them. It is just SO HARD when kids are involved!
A work in progress
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What did you THINK his reaction would be to your giving him a book of inspirational daily readings? That he would say, "Gee, thanks, I'll be sure to read this and I'm sure it will help me change my life"?
You CANNOT do anything to help him. It really doesn't matter what his family thinks. If you knock yourself out trying to persuade them to see "your side" you are wasting your time and only making yourself feel worse.
If I were you, I would cancel the vacation. I can't imagine anything more miserable than being on a vacation with someone under these circumstances. You are literally trapped with each other. If you don't want him in the house, you don't want to be stuck with him on a trip. Not to mention that you may need the money for other expenses.
You CANNOT do anything to help him. It really doesn't matter what his family thinks. If you knock yourself out trying to persuade them to see "your side" you are wasting your time and only making yourself feel worse.
If I were you, I would cancel the vacation. I can't imagine anything more miserable than being on a vacation with someone under these circumstances. You are literally trapped with each other. If you don't want him in the house, you don't want to be stuck with him on a trip. Not to mention that you may need the money for other expenses.
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You are never going to convince him that he has a problem, a person with an addiction problem lives in denial, it is part of the disease.
Work on you, when he is ready to address his issues, he will.
As for the vacation, if it were me, I'd cancel it. Plenty of time in the future to go on one..for example, if he stops drinking, embraces recovery and you two get your marriage back on track...now that's would be the time to take a vacation and celebrate the rebirth of him and your marriage.
In the meantime I would keep going to those meetings, they sure helped me.
Work on you, when he is ready to address his issues, he will.
As for the vacation, if it were me, I'd cancel it. Plenty of time in the future to go on one..for example, if he stops drinking, embraces recovery and you two get your marriage back on track...now that's would be the time to take a vacation and celebrate the rebirth of him and your marriage.
In the meantime I would keep going to those meetings, they sure helped me.
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He told me he already paid the rest of the balance on the vacation..non refundable and the airline tickets are only refundable for a credit to be used within 30 days or something. He said "Im going if you aren't then...its paid for..." My parents have already planned a week vacation they are taking my kids on as well, and its just a mess.
Yesterday when I saw him he wasnt drinking, but heard from my cousin he called him up from a party last night and told him how I kicked him out. He was obviously out drinking. So NOW my other family (besides my own mom and dad) know he's out of the house. Great. My phones blowing up from everyone concerned about me or wanting to know whats going on.
He told me today via text "I am OUT of house because you have control issues." I just replied that I cannot control him and its in his hands now, up to him if he decides that drinking is more important than his family. He stated "i will always have my kids." YES< BUt you will no longer have your FAMILY. He doesn't seem to care because again, nobody is going to tell him what to do and continues to blame me. I am so upset right now and just beyond stressed with a house to take care of, laundry, cleaning, dog, two kids who are wanting all of my attention, and trying to maintain normalcy.
I cancelled our Monday marriage counseling session...whats the point?
Yesterday when I saw him he wasnt drinking, but heard from my cousin he called him up from a party last night and told him how I kicked him out. He was obviously out drinking. So NOW my other family (besides my own mom and dad) know he's out of the house. Great. My phones blowing up from everyone concerned about me or wanting to know whats going on.
He told me today via text "I am OUT of house because you have control issues." I just replied that I cannot control him and its in his hands now, up to him if he decides that drinking is more important than his family. He stated "i will always have my kids." YES< BUt you will no longer have your FAMILY. He doesn't seem to care because again, nobody is going to tell him what to do and continues to blame me. I am so upset right now and just beyond stressed with a house to take care of, laundry, cleaning, dog, two kids who are wanting all of my attention, and trying to maintain normalcy.
I cancelled our Monday marriage counseling session...whats the point?
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You poor baby! Are you able to go to an AlAnon meeting?
What are your real responsibilities about the vacation? What would happen if you DID cancel it, or at least refused to go? What would happen if you went through with it?
Do you meditate? Sometimes that helps to clarify issues, when we're not thinking about them.
- Sylvie
What are your real responsibilities about the vacation? What would happen if you DID cancel it, or at least refused to go? What would happen if you went through with it?
Do you meditate? Sometimes that helps to clarify issues, when we're not thinking about them.
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
Sylvie--
I get mixed advice from others--- some say go, maybe it will be good... but my family says "Dont go" so I don't know. Its hard...very hard. And right now, there is no contact today. Like, not even calling to say good night to your kids? Odd.
I guess I just keep waiting for him to say something that he's not. (like I know i need help or I am getting treatment, or I am so sorry I have messed up and I want to make this right) But right now its not about that, so tonight., I'm going to bed being happy I spent a good day with my kids, had a nice dinner with my parents, have friends that support me and I am on the path to recovery myself.
I can only go to meetings and do what I have to do right now. Taking it DAY BY DAY! I guess I just wonder---how do you ever get past that point of telling your husband this is it and he just keeps on denying it?
I get mixed advice from others--- some say go, maybe it will be good... but my family says "Dont go" so I don't know. Its hard...very hard. And right now, there is no contact today. Like, not even calling to say good night to your kids? Odd.
I guess I just keep waiting for him to say something that he's not. (like I know i need help or I am getting treatment, or I am so sorry I have messed up and I want to make this right) But right now its not about that, so tonight., I'm going to bed being happy I spent a good day with my kids, had a nice dinner with my parents, have friends that support me and I am on the path to recovery myself.
I can only go to meetings and do what I have to do right now. Taking it DAY BY DAY! I guess I just wonder---how do you ever get past that point of telling your husband this is it and he just keeps on denying it?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Just throwin' a crazy idea out there...
What if you didn't cancel the trip, but you changed YOUR tickets for a different destination? Took separate vacations, IOW.
I agree, sounds like YOU could use one, but going with him sounds, well, yuck. Under the circumstances.
What if you didn't cancel the trip, but you changed YOUR tickets for a different destination? Took separate vacations, IOW.
I agree, sounds like YOU could use one, but going with him sounds, well, yuck. Under the circumstances.
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