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We kicked her out..

Old 07-05-2011, 10:39 AM
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We kicked her out..

We kicked my daughter Amber out last night. We didn't have choice, a couple weeks ago after her last drunk outburst We told her no more. Yesterday my husband and myself went out of town to visit some family on the fourth of July, they don't have kids so we left our three at home. Well we came home late at about 11 and we did the normal yelling were home. My 13 year old daughter came upstairs to tell me that my son went over and is spending the night at a friends house.

Obviously we're always a concerned about where Amber is what is doing and Ashley (younger daughter) said Amber was downstairs with her friend. So I went to go downstairs to go talk to her and Ashley tried to stop me and said you don't wanna do. I knew immeadately what was happening and I really didn't want to that but I went down there anyway. Amber and her friend were playing Dance Central (a video game) but they weren't really playing they were just standing there laughing, Amber's oversized sweatpants were hanging half way down her butt and you could see her thong, her friend is a little bigger than Amber and was wearing Amber's shorts and one of her shirts so her parts were just popping out everywhere, I watched from the steps for a second, they were trying to dance and Amber fell down, her friend pulled her pants down to her ankles and then spanked her butt cheeks like 5 times they laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.

I couldn't bring myself to go talk to them when they were like this so I just started crying to my husband. When I was down there I saw one empty vodka bottle and a drank bottle of wine. My husband managed to tough it out and take them to a hotel. We paid for the room, we didn't care, they just couldn't be in our house like that with my 13 year old daughter. This morning, I picked Amber up, didn't say anything, she didn't seem to be in a talking mood anyway considering she was hung over. Told her to get her stuff and before she could say anything to try to talk me out of it (which he mightve been able to do I had listened) I went to a different room. She packed her bags and one of her friends picked her up, I guess she's staying there now.

This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, I want to throw up again. Last night I threw up because of the stress. I didn't ever imagine having to throw my own little girl out of the house especially the way she was. Pray for me to stay strong, because I'm going to need it.
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Old 07-05-2011, 10:45 AM
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Hugs and prayers for strength to you today. Makes my heart hurt to read your words, but I know its the right thing to do. You have other children to protect. They deserve it, too.

Hang in there, find an Al-Anon meeting if you can. My home group is mostly parents of addicts...they really support each other.

I am sorry you are going through this...hoping for a little peace in your family now.
~T
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:07 AM
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I'm very sorry that she continued to disrespect you. when she finds out how hard it is to live on her own (after her friends parents throw her out), she may find her way to ask for help...she may choose to live this way.

she is taking advantage of your attempt to reason with her.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:19 AM
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Praying for you . . .stay strong. hugs.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:23 AM
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I have three kids too. It's so, so difficult to raise them. We do all we can when they are little, making sacrifices, spending time with them. But there is no sure way to raise a child. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:31 AM
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I know how bad that hurts to throw a daughter out. I've been there and done that. Sending you lots of gentle hugs from Kansas!
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:34 AM
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Sending strength and support today. You are doing the right thing.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:43 AM
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How old is she?
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:54 AM
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It's bad enough having an alcoholic spouse; I can only imagine how painful it is to watch your child do that to herself.

Best of luck; sending positive thoughts your way.
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:26 PM
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I am sorry, however, you have made the right decision, you do have the responsibilty to protect your other children from her toxic behavior.

Lets hope that this move will wake her up, time will tell.

Alanon meeting will help, keep posting we are here for you.

Hugs,
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Old 07-05-2011, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
how old is she?
19
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Old 07-05-2011, 02:07 PM
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Instead of think of it as kicking her out, or throwing her out, why not think of it as letting her go to live her life the way she chooses. You have every right to run your home the way you want and she has every right to live her life the way she wants. When the two don't mesh, then something has to give. I'm not sure of the laws in your state, but in Texas, she isn't legal to drink until the age of 21. There's a good chance she's going to get herself into a good deal of trouble if she continues down the path she is currently on. Those problems will be hers and not yours and they will be consequences of her bad choices. Sometimes, it takes something really bad like that to bring them to their senses. Sometimes, even that isn't enough. In any case, your younger daughter deserves a home free of all that chaos.
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Old 07-05-2011, 02:17 PM
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Where does she get the alcohol..If she is not of legal age, SOMEONE is buying it for her...and that person should also be held accountable for contributing to whatever of a minor child.

You should report whoever does this to the police...you might not be popular, but cutting off her access to the booze by alienating who is buying it might help.
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Old 07-05-2011, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
Where does she get the alcohol..If she is not of legal age, SOMEONE is buying it for her...and that person should also be held accountable for contributing to whatever of a minor child.

You should report whoever does this to the police...you might not be popular, but cutting off her access to the booze by alienating who is buying it might help.
What she was drinking last night was our stuff. We have lots of stuff in the back of fridge that we only use for special occasions or when we have company over. I forget we have it most of the time she probably easily thought they could've drank that and me and her father would've have never known it was gone.
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Old 07-05-2011, 02:39 PM
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Please do not report your daughter to the police!

This "tough love," crap is NOT an al-non principle, it is an extention of the punitive, failed drug war. Incarceration is not a viable tool for recovery. If you're just pissed at her and want to "teach her a lesson," go ahead.

Visit here:
anewpathsite.org
for reasons why you should not enlist the police to "help" your daughter.

You've kicked her out, now what? What is the rest of your strategy? Have you contacted treatment centers or looked at local resources?

I work with and know literally hundreds of mothers who have lost their adult children to addiction after throwing them out, and they all wish they had done something differently.

The question is, what can we do differently? I know you're horrified by her behavior, and I'm not attacking you or being critical. I know you're at the end of your wits and pray you find some peace soon.

Your daughter is barely 19, just recently out of the home. She still needs guidance and I believe you can provide that to her without enabling her or risking the safety of your family. It's tricky, but I know lots of other moms who have done it, without compromising their sanity. You may not be able to do anything until you get your own emotional reaction down, as it seems you're having some understandably severe reactions to this whole mess.

You can call the new path folks directly and ask them for resources. I never see anyone posting other options here on SR for parents of addicts and alcoholics, except for the tough love approach.

I know this isn't popular here, but this is my opinion and experience. Take what you want and leave the rest.
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Old 07-05-2011, 03:27 PM
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Transform - As the mother of an addict, I can tell you that I have provided my son with respect, treatment, compassion, ad nauseum. If they don't want it, they don't want it. And when they are 18, 19, 20 years old....not a thing you can do about it. If he's living under my roof, he has to abide by my rules. PERIOD. If he chooses not to do that, he's out.

Sheneedshelp has given her daughter many warnings. She's 19...an adult...old enough to vote and go to war. She's also old enough to understand the consequences that her parents have laid out for her and got drunk AGAIN anyway. She's already been in trouble with the law and is putting her college scholarship in jeopardy. She is self-sufficient in many ways already and apparently doesn't believe she needs her parents to provide a home for her anymore. She made her choice.

Sheneedshelp -- I KNOW how hard this is....and how hard it will be in the days and weeks to come.

We are here to support you every way we can. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs)))
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Old 07-05-2011, 04:14 PM
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I think that every parent has their "saturation point"....you take as much grief as you can hold and then some, you offer help, guidance and your child will STILL pee up your leg and tell you "it's raining".

some kids have parents who bend over backwards to provide a better life...and are played the fool. Age 19 is old enough to know right from wrong. Mom was naive for a while, now she is heartsick and trying to show Amber that drinking and running around without clothing on is NOT acceptable behavior when mom and dad are footing the bills.

Amber knew without a doubt that she was taking her parents alcohol, she played them for fools again and again....when she is ready to accept that her behavior is damaging to her future and her ability to maintain a real relationship, she just might think that Mom and Dad were correct...and at that point, professional help and a program would be beneficial.

right now, all she is interested in doing is partying with friends...and accept the consequences if that's what she wants.

I know that sick and nauseated feeling and not being able to relax my stomach muscles...it took about 6-8 months of my daughter living with her father for it to stop.....she NEVER would pull any crap with him, because she knew he would not take it....she either behaved or he would personally escort her everywhere and wait for her.

We once had to fly her home from Texas when she ran off with a boy.....after she came back he handed her his bill for the$800.00 airfare and made her go to work to pay him XX amount of $$ every week...no more pedicures, eyebrow waxing and cigarettes/starbucks....until after he took the $35.00 from her paycheck. when she ran up an enourmous cell phone bill, he cut it off...she was welcome to open up another account with only her name on the account...same for car insurance.

I don't think teaching responsibility is a bad thing for any parent.
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Old 07-05-2011, 04:42 PM
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I did not, in any way, say that teaching responsibility is a bad thing for any parent, deny that Sheneedshelp is in great pain from dealing with her addicted daughter, or say that she has no right to enforce the rules in her own house with her adult daughter. Stop twisting my words.

What i did say is that tough love is an extension of the punitive, failed drug war, not an Al-anon principle.

Here's something sent to me by a friend, for those interested, about calling the police on your child or family member:

Unless they are willing to relinquish parenting, family support, professional treatment and community resources to cops, I suggest against calling police. Only if there are threats of physical violence
Also from the same friend. And again, take what you want and leave the rest, but these are my opinions and I won't give up hope there is room for healthy dialogue on these boards.

"It's critical not to assume ... that any and every form of support constitutes enabling. The term is over-used, misunderstood and mis-applied often where addiction is concerned - along with the terms, co-dependent and tough love.
If you are a loved one/concerned significant other of someone who is struggling with addiction, it's crucial that you seek quality evidence-based sources for peer support. More importantly, engage the help of vetted addictions professional who is experienced in current therapies designed to address substance use and co-occurring mental health disorders. Parents/loved ones have a responsibility to engage a person with an addiction disorder in a way that fosters self-efficacy for the addicted individual and promotes use of strategies that facilitate growth in relationships.
There are multitudes of information sources available for the family member or concerned loved one who truly wants to influence healthy change. It's a common trap to allow anger and resentments, directed at the addicted family member, to stall progress and sabotage the recovery of someone who is drug dependent all in the name of not being an enabler.
Learn what enabling is and what it is not in relation to your particular circumstances by investing in good quality peer support and family therapy. And never stop believing in the ability of an addicted person to make healthy change in their life. Likewise never stop believing in your potential to put into practice those interactions that serve to influence, encourage and inspire sustainable recovery and increasing growth and peace in the relationships you value. "
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Old 07-05-2011, 05:34 PM
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The suggestion was to call the police on the supplier of alcohol, not on Amber herself. No one is calling the police here, Sheneedshelp never mentioned it, so let's let that go for a minute.

Getting whoever happens to be getting the booze most of the time in trouble is not going to stop an addict from finding their DOC. We all know that. They will find another way, another source.

I don't see anger or resentments being targetted at Amber, I see a mother and father who have set a boundary, and stuck to it. They chose to "cut her off" so to speak, to quit enabling her by letting her live there and continue with the lifestyle she has become accustomed to. They determined what was acceptable behavior in their home, and she chose not to abide by their rules. I think what sheneeds did was very healthy, and hopefully will be the first step toward sanity for her and her husband and the rest of the kids. Their daughter may have years ahead of her battling this, but at least her parents know that they aren't supporting the progression of the disease in the way they were before the boundary was drawn.

I understand and sympathize with the idea of researching treatments and facilities for her, but looking at these boards makes it very obvious to many of us that forcing someone into rehab when they don't want it is a waste of money and a waste of time. If she comes back, and wants help, then absolutely, I'm sure her parents would be more than happy to help her. But until then, there isn't much anyone can do. She is officially an adult now, has been for over a year. It doesn't hurt to research, and have the information ready for when/if she wants it, but right now, if I'm not mistaken, Amber won't even discuss her drinking with her parents, let alone admit she has a problem and needs help. Discussing rehab or treatment facilities will probably drive her further away.

Sheneeds, I commend you for giving your daughter the dignity and respect to live her life the way she chooses, even though you don't agree with it. Letting her learn the art of responsibility, and to experience the raw results of her consequences is a gift that far too often is not bestowed upon the youth of today.

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Old 07-05-2011, 05:53 PM
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I'm very proud of you for making what was a very, very tough decision.

You have given her many chances, and warnings, and second chances. You certainly don't want your younger daughter to think what she is doing is OK, and to flout your rules in your own home.

I'm sure that if she ever wants to make changes in her life, you and her dad will be there for her, and THAT is when you can worry about finding the right rehab, etc. Right now it would be a waste of time and money, since she obviously sees nothing wrong with what she is doing.

Many hugs and prayers for you and your family, including Amber.
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