We kicked her out..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp 
We kicked my daughter Amber out last night. We didn't have choice,
Here goes some hard truths......
You did have a choice. You could have let her stay and enable her behavior and let her bring negative things into your home.
you made a choice. It was a harder than life should be choice, but you made it none the less.
I think you did the right thing.
.
she will make her choices now.
Hopefully, everyone around her will be just as firm with her as you have been and she will get tired of life being so hard and find her way back to sanity.
I will say a prayer for you tonight.
Stand firm in your decision. God will bring her back to you when it is time.
I have faith.........
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Easy does it people.
Please stop talking to each other. Please focus on being supportive of the original poster who's going thru enough emotional turmoil already. This is _not_ the time to jump in with advice. Simply give your personal experience and support. If you can't do both then go see what you can do with the dozens of other newcomers we have on SR.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Please stop talking to each other. Please focus on being supportive of the original poster who's going thru enough emotional turmoil already. This is _not_ the time to jump in with advice. Simply give your personal experience and support. If you can't do both then go see what you can do with the dozens of other newcomers we have on SR.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Sheneedshelp,
I have been keeping up on your posts, and I am very happy that you and your husband have made the choice to put her out.
It is a first step. It is a statement which makes clear that you have a boundary.
She mmay not see that through her haze, yet, but when she wakes up one morning and wants her family, and she calls or pops by, PLEASE BE SURE TO HOLD YOUR BOUNDARY, stating clearly that her alcoholic behavior is unhealthy for the rest of the family, that you love her, but that her choice to continue using alcohol is unhealthy for you, your husband, and her sibs.
She will most likely come to this feeling of missing her fsmily when she is sober.
I would not even speak to her unless she is sober.
I am in support of your choice. You have no control over what she does, now, and I commend you for modeling good boundaries and consequences for your younger kids.
Also, try to be sure she is aware that you are there to be supportive WHEN and if she chooses to seek help. And when that time comes, be there for her!
My RAH was terrible and I had to keep him from our son for long periods. It was hard, but I made sure he knew I was supportive of him pursuing a healthy life. HE ended up hitting his own bottom, which would not have come up to meet him if I had not made some strong, uncomfortable boundaries(his family did some, too)..and if he had not, and I forced him, it would not have been his choice. He chose to get help, because HE could not tolerate himself anymore.
Try to let go and allow God, the universe, whatever to take care of her safety, while leading her to a bottom that allows her to get a clear look at what she is becoming, and she will need your support, then. IN the meantime, craft your every sentence very carefully and economically with her. "I love you. I am supportive of you seeking help to get healthy again. " " I will not contribute to or take part in you disrespecting yourself or your family.Please call when you are ready to get help. We will all be there for you."
I have been keeping up on your posts, and I am very happy that you and your husband have made the choice to put her out.
It is a first step. It is a statement which makes clear that you have a boundary.
She mmay not see that through her haze, yet, but when she wakes up one morning and wants her family, and she calls or pops by, PLEASE BE SURE TO HOLD YOUR BOUNDARY, stating clearly that her alcoholic behavior is unhealthy for the rest of the family, that you love her, but that her choice to continue using alcohol is unhealthy for you, your husband, and her sibs.
She will most likely come to this feeling of missing her fsmily when she is sober.
I would not even speak to her unless she is sober.
I am in support of your choice. You have no control over what she does, now, and I commend you for modeling good boundaries and consequences for your younger kids.
Also, try to be sure she is aware that you are there to be supportive WHEN and if she chooses to seek help. And when that time comes, be there for her!
My RAH was terrible and I had to keep him from our son for long periods. It was hard, but I made sure he knew I was supportive of him pursuing a healthy life. HE ended up hitting his own bottom, which would not have come up to meet him if I had not made some strong, uncomfortable boundaries(his family did some, too)..and if he had not, and I forced him, it would not have been his choice. He chose to get help, because HE could not tolerate himself anymore.
Try to let go and allow God, the universe, whatever to take care of her safety, while leading her to a bottom that allows her to get a clear look at what she is becoming, and she will need your support, then. IN the meantime, craft your every sentence very carefully and economically with her. "I love you. I am supportive of you seeking help to get healthy again. " " I will not contribute to or take part in you disrespecting yourself or your family.Please call when you are ready to get help. We will all be there for you."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Brava to you and your husband. You have shown your daughter that you respect that she is a 19 year old adult with the right to make her own choices about how to live. She doesn’t want to fit into your household? Well, okay.
The way I see this, you and your husband have affirmed the peacefulness of your home, the parameters of what you will financially and emotionally support, and you've made that clear for everyone's sake.
That's a sign of respect toward her and everyone and the underlying message is that you will respect her right to choose how and where she wants to live.
My DD20, when 18, moved out and lived in this nasty cheap apartment, didn’t eat well, drank a lot, didn’t go to school. etc. That got pretty old pretty fast. After about 9 months of that, she was sick of it. But it’s her right to choose. If she chooses to move here and live with me and with my financial support, the parameters are clear. My home is set up and run to maximize the peace, stability and productivity of everyone who lives in it, so that each participant can thrive in their own right.
And considering the benefits of my financial support- it’s a very good deal! From free dinners at night to a room in a nice home to tuition for school? Oh, yeah! I’d take that deal, given reasonable restrictions on my behavior! Let’s get realistic here. You’re not requiring that she be your slave, wash your feet every night, or accept being beaten by you and your husband in exchange for those things!
This will be good for her. And I think you have demonstrated that you recognize and respect that she is an adult and has the right to set her own course. Her choices are clear.
The way I see this, you and your husband have affirmed the peacefulness of your home, the parameters of what you will financially and emotionally support, and you've made that clear for everyone's sake.
That's a sign of respect toward her and everyone and the underlying message is that you will respect her right to choose how and where she wants to live.
My DD20, when 18, moved out and lived in this nasty cheap apartment, didn’t eat well, drank a lot, didn’t go to school. etc. That got pretty old pretty fast. After about 9 months of that, she was sick of it. But it’s her right to choose. If she chooses to move here and live with me and with my financial support, the parameters are clear. My home is set up and run to maximize the peace, stability and productivity of everyone who lives in it, so that each participant can thrive in their own right.
And considering the benefits of my financial support- it’s a very good deal! From free dinners at night to a room in a nice home to tuition for school? Oh, yeah! I’d take that deal, given reasonable restrictions on my behavior! Let’s get realistic here. You’re not requiring that she be your slave, wash your feet every night, or accept being beaten by you and your husband in exchange for those things!
This will be good for her. And I think you have demonstrated that you recognize and respect that she is an adult and has the right to set her own course. Her choices are clear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 38
Thanks to everyone for your support today, I'm getting by. It still hurts, a lot, I miss her. But right now I'm letting her live her life while we try to live a normal life with my two younger children.
I'm always going to be there for her if she comes back and wants help trying to get over her problem. Not if she's hammered and naked and just wants a place to crash. I've had enough of that.
I'm about to cry typing this message, it's hard but I really think it's something everyone invovled here needed.
I'm always going to be there for her if she comes back and wants help trying to get over her problem. Not if she's hammered and naked and just wants a place to crash. I've had enough of that.
I'm about to cry typing this message, it's hard but I really think it's something everyone invovled here needed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
it's not an enviable position that you and your husband are in. But you are protecting your 2 younger children and trying to preserve your sanity(or what's left). Please try to make taking care of yourself a priority, you are under extreme stress right now, kind of like a shock. That can take a big toll on your physical health. Lack of eating , no sleep, it catches up to you. I hope you feel better in the coming days and get a good night's rest too.
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