AggieChick

And you can cut the tension with a knife in this house. I know he's nervous and overwhelmed with a million emotions. Whenever I try reaching out to him he just pushes me away and I've never seen the lack of love in his eyes like I do right now.

My husband is an amazing man who I adore. We just have to get him healthy. Period. I pray to God that on his path to sobriety from alcohol and getting his depression under control that he still has room in his heart for me b/c tonight it just doesnt feel like he will.

I want to say the right things. I almost always dont. I want to reassure him that I love him. He doesnt want to hear it and it's like I'm actually causing him pain when I say that. I am ready to do the work. He's ready to do the work. I just pray we do the work together when it's needed.

I'm giving him space tonight and trying to just keep our house quiet and peaceful before we leave in the morning. Honestly, I could use a little encouragement or a kind word right now. My heart is breaking a bit and yet I've got on the bravest face you've ever seen.

Lord give us strength.

SoloMio

Just think--tomorrow at this time he'll be safe and sound in rehab--you'll be safe and sound at home. I remember when my AH went to rehab--I had four young children, but it all still seemed easier in many ways when he was away.

Take this time to be good to yourself; learn as much as you can about your own behavior. Leave him to his own recovery, and you take care of yours.

I wish you the best.

ACOAHappyNow

Hi, AggieChick. I am so sorry you are hurting right now. (((HUGS))) I know you are hurting because the man you love is hurting. I know you are hurting because he can't be there for you the way you need, because of his addiction.

One of the things that I found so liberating, and one of the things that actually took me the longest to really truly accept, was that I was not responsible for the addict. I didn't cause the addiction and I couldn't control it or cure it.

I had been so focused on the alcoholic's pain for so long, that I really didn't even know anymore how I felt. I couldn't have told you how I felt inside at all. It was almost like I didn't even exist anymore except as this robot that spent all my time trying to appease and take care of and "read" the alcoholic.

I am very hopeful for you both that you will both be in treatment. He needs to heal from his addiction and learn a way to enjoy life without depending on substance abuse to feel okay. And you need to heal and reconnect with your own heart and your own needs so that you can focus on taking care of you each day and not get lost in caring for him.

I hope for a bright future for both of you. I hope for happiness in the future.

Tonight is hard but there is hope. Hope is an awfully good thing when there hasn't been hope for awhile, isn't it?

You can do this. He can do this. You're doing the right thing.

This is easier said than done, but try being extra gentle to yourself tonight. What would make YOU feel better? (Besides contact with the addict, I mean.) Is there a movie you'd like to see, or a book you'd like to read? Is there a friend you'd love to call and talk to for awhile? Would you like to go for a walk or a drive?

NYCDoglvr

I suggest not taking it personally. Before getting sober, we alcoholics are self-will, self-centered and self-involved. If he stays sober that will change. To me this sounds like what most men do when they're afraid: act with bravado and try to have some sense of control.

LexieCat

Hugs,

There is no magic "right thing" you can say right now. The good news is, there's also no magic "wrong thing" you can say.

"I love you"--with no addendums or qualifiers or attaboys, right before he leaves, is always appropriate.

AggieChick

I guess now I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. Y'all have all made me feel much better on this horrible night. I went for a walk and am going to go have a little 'Sex in the City' watching marathon before bed. My head needs a little brainless entertainment after these past couple of weeks.

Freedom1990

Be gentle with yourself tonight, hon. As a recovering addict/alkie, I can say he's probably scared sh*tless right now, and you have some fear too.

:ghug3

lillamy

He probably is experiencing a lot of guilt and a lot of fear, and whatever it is he's experiencing, he's bracing himself for what is to come.

You sound so focused, so good, and remember that there are stories with happy endings, even with addictions. Big hugs.

jamaicamecrazy

I envy the position you are in. I wish my AH was choosing to go to rehab. Instead he is choosing to continue drinking and blaming me for everything in his life that he is unsatisfied with.
I know how hard it is to reach out and try to comfort someone and them not wanting to accept it.
I think you have gotten some good advice and are doing some things to keep yourself busy and not obsessing.
With all due respect...there are a few things that concern me about your post. Maybe I am just reading too much into it. When you say you are ready to do the work...I hope you mean working on YOUR recovery.
And WE don't have to get him healthy-he has to get himself healthy. There is nothing you can do for him.
It is going to be a road he has to travel alone. Yes you can give him encouragement, Yes you can tell him you are there for him, but he is going to need to take each and every painful step himself.
Let him know you love him with out any expectation that he is going to respond the way you would like him to. He is not capable. He may not be capable for a long time, depending on how long he has had this addiction.
Please consider going to Al Anon to better understand the disease and how you can take care of yourself while he gets himself healthy.

Portia123

Hi Aggie, it is a good thing your AH is going to rehab! May I suggest, in addition to the great advice given above, try going to Al-Anon. I found it to be a great comfort, found some good friends to talk to in confidence. Plus, I learned alot about the disease such that I can take care of myself, detach from the disease "with love", don't do anything to contribute to the disease and doing the steps. Mye husband is in outpatient counseling now, he had a good month in June, I just take it one day at a time. We have a once a week family session, and it really helps me to understand WHY he is an addict. There are underlying reasons my RAH is an addict that have nothing to do with me. Go easy on myself, be kinder to yourself in general. Good luck to you 2 and God bless!

BobbyJ

Oh yes, rehab....My xah went there too, when we were married

I highly suggest that you take those 30 days and studying, learn & listen!!!

Get involoved in ALANON right away, read this site and there are a list of good
books to read on the front page stickies....

I believe this is VERY crucial to you and him when he comes home.

You have to be educated on the diesase before he walks back in that door
of your home. If not, you might end like me, frustrated, confussed, lost.
With hand fulls of disappointments.

Everyone preached to me to go to Alanon while mine was in rehab.
I didnt really understand why they wanted me to go so bad. Whats the big
deal, with a meeting? *sigh* right???

Well, it was to prepare me, educate me, teach me, face to face talking
with other people just like me, a time to share, a time to cry and a time
for support when I really needed it

Your expecting him to be come home healed & ready to go on with life
You need to do the same for you....

But Im not going to sugar coat it, Alcoholism is a diesase, dont expect miracles
just because he is going to rehab. Expect "YOU" to be ready for the better or the
worse.

Hope you find a class right away..Check online with Alanon, they will direct you
to classes near you.

Stay Positive & Happy (As much as you can be)
This is a new beginning for the both of you!!

AggieChick

Well on the 3 hour drive to his rehab center, he confessed that during his last binge (3 week long) that he cheated on me.

I am so damn lost now. I wanna crawl in a frickin hole. What in God's name did I do that could have done this? I'm cute, smart, funny, can cook, have a steady job and I did not deserve this.

I was prepared for dealing with all his depression and understanding and educating myself about A-Z of alcoholism but this?? I'm just so lost and alone. I'm angry and sad and confused.

I seriously dont know what to do. I thought he was a good man. He WAS a good man.

dollydo

Gee, I am sorry.

I would say that you are now dealing with two seperate issues, alcoholism is one, a lifelong battle that he will have to deal with. The other, is being a cheater, a whole different deal. Yes, alcoholism can magnify the desire to cheat, but, it is not the cause.

You cannot get him healthy, these are his issues to resolve, and, rehab is only a first step in the alcohol recovery process. As for the cheating, the only thing I can recommend is therapy.

I feel your pain, take this time to work on you, get to some meetings, read up on codependency.

bruingirl

Aggiechick, major (((((Hugs)))))) to you tonight. I am so sorry for this new revelation that has come about. You asked in your last post what you could have done to cause this. But the truth is that, his cheating and his alcoholism have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. These problems have everything to do with the way that he is thinking and the decisions that he is making. Please do not be so quick to search for flaws in yourself.

You clearly sound very concerned about him and wanted to support him even through his recovery. It sounds like you are doing the best you can in that sense.

If anything good has come out of this, it is that you at least know the truth and have the peace at home without him around right now to think this all through. Take some time while he is gone to try to reach clarity on the situation. Don't push yourself too hard and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

Also, keep posting and reading around here. That will help a lot. Take care of yourself,

P

LifeRecovery

Aggie-

I am so sorry for all the hurt and confusion you must be going through right now. I have experienced both an A husband and that loved one cheating. I got a lot of support for both from Al-anon (and the literature that Al-anon provides). I also did IC and MC to help. All of them helped me to see that unfortunately though there might not be a causal link there between A and cheating they can go hand in hand.

It does get easier. I agree with everyone that both are more about him instead of you (though it is hard to remember that in the moment).

Thinking of you

SoloMio

Absolutely.

Aren't you glad that he's away for 30 days and you have time to process this information?? 30 days--keep what you said about what you deserve in the forefront of your mind.

It's up to you to decide how you want to proceed, but use the 30 days to be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to process that information, and talk to someone (Al-Anon, therapist, etc.).

m1k3

Aggiechick, ((((hugs))))

There isn't anything I can say to make you feel better but I can share some experience. Use this time to focus on your recovery. You need recovery every bit as much as he does. When I separated from my AW I really focused on recovery and thinking about me. What do I want from my life? It is a very liberating process. I put myself at the center of my life and in doing so I became more centered, I found parts of me that had been missing, or better yet, ignored, for years. I finally started to assume responsibility for my life rather than hers.

Be gentle on your self. You are not responsible for his actions, drinking or otherwise. Go to meetings and visit here often. We are a family who knows what is like to be in your situation.

Your friend,