Struggling with boundaries over visitation
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Struggling with boundaries over visitation
I'm still pretty new here, and there is so much that I have found helpful as I try to figure out how to handle things. Although I am feeling a lot better about having set boundaries regarding the now ex AH (common law, not married) and stronger about getting my own life back on track the really tricky part has been setting boundaries regarding visitation of our 3 yr old. XAH relapsed after moving back in with us (having finished 6mos residential rehab during which time I moved away to go back to my degree.)
Since January he is on his 3rd job and has a DUI. I asked him to move out and we've been separated 2 months. Now he has confirmed he is going out west to work and has 2 weeks left here, and wants extra time to see his son. I have increasingly restricted his visitation privileges because he is still drinking. He almost lost father's day thanks to showing up already buzzed and stowing beer cans in his pack (yeah, I looked. I wasn't going to let him take our son out for the day if it looked like he was going to drink). Honestly, I don't know what the right thing to do is half the time. Yes, I check his pack for booze, if only to confirm what I suspect. Either way, I know he has continued drinking since moving out 2 months ago, has been suicidal, continually quacking trying to suck me into the drama.
All that is nothing compared to trying to resist the quacking and the codependency when he begs to spend time with his son before he has to leave. He wanted to spend a whole week and keep him out of daycare -- or at least a couple of days but I said no way. I can't trust him to take care of our son. How do I handle this without getting sucked into a big scene???
I told him that he's done much to prove I can't trust him with our son's safety (any sign of drinking and I don't let them out of earshot when he comes to visit) and nothing to prove that I can trust him.
I'm sure that not letting my son go off with someone who is drunk is not unreasonable but you all know what it is like presenting a rational circumstance to an A.
Even though he tells me I just accuse him of things unfairly, and I always need to control everything, and now horrible woman that I am I won't let him see his son more than he already does (which is once a day on his workdays and most of the afternoon if he doesn't work weekends). I know I am right to protect my son -- I wouldn't let him go with anyone who had been drinking -- but how do I handle this??
Sorry this is so long -- maybe with practice I will learn how to keep the posts short! ;-)
Since January he is on his 3rd job and has a DUI. I asked him to move out and we've been separated 2 months. Now he has confirmed he is going out west to work and has 2 weeks left here, and wants extra time to see his son. I have increasingly restricted his visitation privileges because he is still drinking. He almost lost father's day thanks to showing up already buzzed and stowing beer cans in his pack (yeah, I looked. I wasn't going to let him take our son out for the day if it looked like he was going to drink). Honestly, I don't know what the right thing to do is half the time. Yes, I check his pack for booze, if only to confirm what I suspect. Either way, I know he has continued drinking since moving out 2 months ago, has been suicidal, continually quacking trying to suck me into the drama.
All that is nothing compared to trying to resist the quacking and the codependency when he begs to spend time with his son before he has to leave. He wanted to spend a whole week and keep him out of daycare -- or at least a couple of days but I said no way. I can't trust him to take care of our son. How do I handle this without getting sucked into a big scene???
I told him that he's done much to prove I can't trust him with our son's safety (any sign of drinking and I don't let them out of earshot when he comes to visit) and nothing to prove that I can trust him.
I'm sure that not letting my son go off with someone who is drunk is not unreasonable but you all know what it is like presenting a rational circumstance to an A.
Even though he tells me I just accuse him of things unfairly, and I always need to control everything, and now horrible woman that I am I won't let him see his son more than he already does (which is once a day on his workdays and most of the afternoon if he doesn't work weekends). I know I am right to protect my son -- I wouldn't let him go with anyone who had been drinking -- but how do I handle this??
Sorry this is so long -- maybe with practice I will learn how to keep the posts short! ;-)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Can he visit your son at your home with you there? You are right to protect your son and "no" is a complete sentance. Make sure he cant check him out of the daycare without your permission and hang in there for the remaining two weeks. Maybe consider going no contact for the next two weeks.
Good luck, stay firm on your boundary -
Good luck, stay firm on your boundary -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Yes, he already visits our son in this apartment. The only forays out are going to the park, if he seems sober. I want the next 2 weeks to stay status quo and keep it as normal as possible for the little one. HE wants to have complete care of our son for a period of time before he goes away.
Basically, I say I won't let an active alcoholic have full responsibility of our son and he says I'm controlling everything blablabla....
You're right though: no IS a complete sentence. Thanks!
Basically, I say I won't let an active alcoholic have full responsibility of our son and he says I'm controlling everything blablabla....
You're right though: no IS a complete sentence. Thanks!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by BecomingMe 
Either way, I know he has continued drinking since moving out 2 months ago, has been suicidal, continually quacking trying to suck me into the drama.
Even though he tells me I just accuse him of things unfairly, and I always need to control everything, and now horrible woman that I am I won't let him see his son more than he already does (which is once a day on his workdays and most of the afternoon if he doesn't work weekends). I know I am right to protect my son -- I wouldn't let him go with anyone who had been drinking -- but how do I handle this??
Even though he tells me I just accuse him of things unfairly, and I always need to control everything, and now horrible woman that I am I won't let him see his son more than he already does (which is once a day on his workdays and most of the afternoon if he doesn't work weekends). I know I am right to protect my son -- I wouldn't let him go with anyone who had been drinking -- but how do I handle this??
He is actively drinking, has suicidal tendancies, and is blame-shifting by calling you controlling.
This man is completely irrational and unbalanced. Keep him away from your son.
If he wants visitation rights and increased time with your child, he needs to get a lawyer. He won't. He is quacking, quacking, quacking.
You are the sane, sober, responsible parent. Your son depends on you to protect him, provide for him and nuture him.
You are a good mom! You are sticking to your rights as the sane, sober, responsible parent. Good on You!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by Pelican
He is moving out west. His choice. You are not obligated to adjust your schedule or your son's to accomodate His choice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
I wouldnt worry so much about keeping things normal for your son if normal means trips to the park with your xAH. He's three and lives for today. His memories will be short lived and he will look you to keep him safe. My AH was so good at hiding when he was drinking that sometimes I couldnt tell. So he was never left alone with them. Ever. I didnt want to have to guess.
YOu are a good mom and he is lucky to have you. Keep you and your son very busy for the next two weeks and the window of visiting very short.
YOu are a good mom and he is lucky to have you. Keep you and your son very busy for the next two weeks and the window of visiting very short.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Well it looks like the question of no contact has been answered for me. XAH, during his short visit this evening, seems to have found a moment to relieve my wallet of some money. Usually I'd say more fool me for accidentally leaving it lying around (something I have been careful about for some time now), but his visit was last minute and unexpected this evening.
So my thought is this: he's screwed himself out of spending any time here visiting his son in the last two weeks he will be in town.
I'm actually a little amused that this happened -- which is better than the agonizing this behaviour caused in the past!
I'm not going to let him in the house any more. Maybe I will work out something for which he can see his son for short -- very short -- visits out of doors. Or maybe I should cut the cord entirely. Funny how even when I feel sure I still end up waffling.
The amazing thing is that earlier today a complete stranger alerted me to the fact I left money behind in the ATM I was at. I was so thrilled. There was $100 of grocery money just sitting there and a complete stranger let me know. Fast forward a few hours and my XAH steals $20. Somebody out there is trying to make sure I know what kindness, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness looks like.
So my thought is this: he's screwed himself out of spending any time here visiting his son in the last two weeks he will be in town.
I'm actually a little amused that this happened -- which is better than the agonizing this behaviour caused in the past!
I'm not going to let him in the house any more. Maybe I will work out something for which he can see his son for short -- very short -- visits out of doors. Or maybe I should cut the cord entirely. Funny how even when I feel sure I still end up waffling.
The amazing thing is that earlier today a complete stranger alerted me to the fact I left money behind in the ATM I was at. I was so thrilled. There was $100 of grocery money just sitting there and a complete stranger let me know. Fast forward a few hours and my XAH steals $20. Somebody out there is trying to make sure I know what kindness, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness looks like.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
This morning I told XAH that he is no longer welcome in my home as a result of stealing money last night when he came to visit our son. He didn't like that. Said it's not fair, blah blah blah, that we are going to talk about this more. I told him I am not changing my mind. He can visit our son outside when it fits in with little one's schedule. "What am I supposed to do if it's raining?" he says. Visit in the rain, I guess, I told him.
This is really hard. Why is he doing things to ruin the last chances to visit his son before he moves away? I know the answer I guess. I keep telling myself that I don't have to let an active alcoholic in my house if I don't want to.
I'm still shaking a bit about the thought of even having another conversation with him. I want our son to see his father while he still has a chance to but I can't let him in the house and I can't let him take little one out away from my supervision since I can't be sure when he is drinking anymore -- he just reeks of booze all the time now whether he has had a drink or hasn't.
Am I going to far? He is always telling me I am too controlling. But I need to protect my home, my money and most importantly our son.
This is really hard. Why is he doing things to ruin the last chances to visit his son before he moves away? I know the answer I guess. I keep telling myself that I don't have to let an active alcoholic in my house if I don't want to.
I'm still shaking a bit about the thought of even having another conversation with him. I want our son to see his father while he still has a chance to but I can't let him in the house and I can't let him take little one out away from my supervision since I can't be sure when he is drinking anymore -- he just reeks of booze all the time now whether he has had a drink or hasn't.
Am I going to far? He is always telling me I am too controlling. But I need to protect my home, my money and most importantly our son.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
You are not going to far. You are being a great mom.
My experience.
When I was in your position I did not go far enough. I let them go with him when I should not have. I let him in my house when I should not have. I went the 'extra mile' when I should not have. My xah also eventually moved away. My boys were/are heartbroken that they do not have a father in their lives. They miss him. It hurts. But they are better and happier now with him physically gone then with the unease and stress they had when he was close by and drinking. I didn't fully get it at the time. I get it now that I can look back at the big picture in hindsight. I know it is hard to hear the quacking and see the look in the little one's eyes but stand strong. It makes me sad and ashamed that I didn't create stronger boundaries on my children's behalf.
Stick to your instincts. You are doing the right thing.
My experience.
When I was in your position I did not go far enough. I let them go with him when I should not have. I let him in my house when I should not have. I went the 'extra mile' when I should not have. My xah also eventually moved away. My boys were/are heartbroken that they do not have a father in their lives. They miss him. It hurts. But they are better and happier now with him physically gone then with the unease and stress they had when he was close by and drinking. I didn't fully get it at the time. I get it now that I can look back at the big picture in hindsight. I know it is hard to hear the quacking and see the look in the little one's eyes but stand strong. It makes me sad and ashamed that I didn't create stronger boundaries on my children's behalf.
Stick to your instincts. You are doing the right thing.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Phase Two: ExAH not Allowed in the House.
Not pretty.
He came by this evening when he normally would to see son (we played outside waiting to see if he showed). Immediately got into it wanting me to reconsider, that I wasn't being fair what with him leaving soon and wanting to see his son. I declined to rethink things. QUACK QUACK QUACK on a professional standard. He started yelling so I told him if he yelled I would end the conversation. He then blamed me for him stealing from me. Apparently I should know better than to leave my wallet out (it was indeed an oversight, but hardly the point). I think I may have laughed.
He dropped the F bomb twice and loudly so I scooped up little boy, told AH that the conversation is over. He started yelling No it's not. Punching the concrete wall beside the door. Tried to knock over the wheelbarrow holding a largish tree stump. I took little boy and hid us in my bedroom.
ExAH has never harmed me physically, or our child and I still think he wouldn't but boy did this scare the crap out of me. I had to lock the door and hide!
After 20 mins of regular door pounding I went to the window and told him I wasn't opening the door and would he please leave. I go back to the bedroom. He starts knocking continually. After a couple of minutes I returned to the window and said "This is harrassment. If you don't leave I will call the police." His response? "Yeah, maybe the same officer that arrested me drunk driving will come by." Then leaves.
I am seriously considering taking little boy and I away somewhere else until he leaves town.
This is only going to get worse, isn't it?
Not pretty.
He came by this evening when he normally would to see son (we played outside waiting to see if he showed). Immediately got into it wanting me to reconsider, that I wasn't being fair what with him leaving soon and wanting to see his son. I declined to rethink things. QUACK QUACK QUACK on a professional standard. He started yelling so I told him if he yelled I would end the conversation. He then blamed me for him stealing from me. Apparently I should know better than to leave my wallet out (it was indeed an oversight, but hardly the point). I think I may have laughed.
He dropped the F bomb twice and loudly so I scooped up little boy, told AH that the conversation is over. He started yelling No it's not. Punching the concrete wall beside the door. Tried to knock over the wheelbarrow holding a largish tree stump. I took little boy and hid us in my bedroom.
ExAH has never harmed me physically, or our child and I still think he wouldn't but boy did this scare the crap out of me. I had to lock the door and hide!
After 20 mins of regular door pounding I went to the window and told him I wasn't opening the door and would he please leave. I go back to the bedroom. He starts knocking continually. After a couple of minutes I returned to the window and said "This is harrassment. If you don't leave I will call the police." His response? "Yeah, maybe the same officer that arrested me drunk driving will come by." Then leaves.
I am seriously considering taking little boy and I away somewhere else until he leaves town.
This is only going to get worse, isn't it?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by BecomingMe
This morning I told XAH that he is no longer welcome in my home as a result of stealing money last night when he came to visit our son. He didn't like that. Said it's not fair, blah blah blah, that we are going to talk about this more. I told him I am not changing my mind. He can visit our son outside when it fits in with little one's schedule. "What am I supposed to do if it's raining?" he says. Visit in the rain, I guess, I told him.
This is really hard. Why is he doing things to ruin the last chances to visit his son before he moves away? I know the answer I guess. I keep telling myself that I don't have to let an active alcoholic in my house if I don't want to.
I'm still shaking a bit about the thought of even having another conversation with him. I want our son to see his father while he still has a chance to but I can't let him in the house and I can't let him take little one out away from my supervision since I can't be sure when he is drinking anymore -- he just reeks of booze all the time now whether he has had a drink or hasn't.
Am I going to far? He is always telling me I am too controlling. But I need to protect my home, my money and most importantly our son.
This is really hard. Why is he doing things to ruin the last chances to visit his son before he moves away? I know the answer I guess. I keep telling myself that I don't have to let an active alcoholic in my house if I don't want to.
I'm still shaking a bit about the thought of even having another conversation with him. I want our son to see his father while he still has a chance to but I can't let him in the house and I can't let him take little one out away from my supervision since I can't be sure when he is drinking anymore -- he just reeks of booze all the time now whether he has had a drink or hasn't.
Am I going to far? He is always telling me I am too controlling. But I need to protect my home, my money and most importantly our son.
honey, i might be a bit paranoid at times, but there are things that happen like this. I would not let the little one out of my sight. you dont know what this man might do ,. what if he decided to take him with him? far fetched maybe , but not impossible. You are doing a good job in the circumstances which are tough. but he messed up his chances - not your fault and you and your son dont have to suffer cause he is a selfish, not to be trusted man.
He does not have to have this child unsupervised, I dont trust that. He knows better, so why is he pushing this issue?
hope he goes soon, and that you and your son have a good life.
chicory
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