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Doing better, but lonely

Old 07-03-2011, 11:08 PM
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Doing better, but lonely

So this is a bit of an update. I haven't been back here in awhile, mostly 'cause I've been so busy. I moved out a month ago. I never actually told my husband about it, it made me too nervous to think about what might happen if I told him beforehand. I also started a new job, not one I really like. The same dead-end clap-trap I've been working for the past five years.
Anyway, I'm writing because I've been thinking a lot about boundaries and not accepting when people step on them.
I actually told a male friend of mine (I only have two in this city) that I'd been feeling disrespected after hanging out with him today! (Yay!)
Let me backtrack. There'd been a concert in a park that's about a 30min walk from my house. I have a dog and she'd been inside all day. We'd made plans for something earlier that got cancelled. He said he was going to the concert instead with friends but didn't know if the concert allowed dogs. I guess that was an invitation.
It took me one hour to walk to the concert. When I got there, dogs were not allowed. He stepped outside the concert (which was open-air. There was a gate, but there'd have been no problem listening/watching the concert beyond it). We talked for two minutes, and then he went back inside to his friends and left me alone with my dog. I walked an hour home. I didn't say anything to him about it... UNTIL TODAY! (:
Now, he was a complete ******* when i told him how I'd felt about that day - he said I was 'freaking out' and that he had made huge concessions to see me (HA!), but the point is, I SAID SOMETHING!
Now I also know that I TRULY have no friends in town. So... good and bad.
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Old 07-03-2011, 11:18 PM
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Oh, and just an addendum, if anyone knows New York, you can help me out with this one, but I just want to let off steam and say that I HATE this city. No, to be fair, I go between HATE and indifference. I have known nothing other than stress and dirt and situations like this - people who don't care about you, who'd shove past you in a minute. My friend's reaction to me is an example of some specially pampered American brand of *******. When i try to connect with people, they stare at me blankly. Of course, they already have their social lives all sewn up and I'm just an intruder. Apartment hunting was a sheer nightmare and I got ripped off to boot. My neighborhood has shootings, loud music and tons of chicken bones for my dog to choke on for the privilege of being a 20min walk from a decent park. Oh yeah, I understand why everyone fights to be here (NOT)!
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Old 07-04-2011, 06:50 AM
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Glad that you stood up for yourself.

I lived and worked in New Jersey for many years, did alot of business in New York and also was a frequent visitor on the weekends. Having relocated from Chicago, I was use to the hustle and bustle of the city and enjoyed the parks, concerts,festivals, shopping, and so forth. I made some friends from work, although, I did find people to be somewhat clannish by heritage. In Chicago there were areas that were Italian, German, Polish and so on, however, as the years went by people moved to the burbs and it all became somewhat of a melting pot. It appeared to me that the NYC neighborhoods have remained more constant as far as heritage goes. Once a family gets in an apartment, they stay, rent control keeps them there.

I may be totally wrong, however, in any case, I enjoyed NYC, I have actually thought I might rent an apartment for a year and roam around the city once again.

I am sorry that you are unhappy there, give it some time, it may grow on you. Sounds like you may be a little depressed or suffering from some pangs of remorse.

Do you have any hobbies? There are alot of clubs around that you could consider joining.

Each day is a gift, try and make today a special one for you!
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:07 AM
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Well... yes. I AM still getting used to this city. I actually am not giving up just yet. I'm in the process of meeting people to hang with, groups to join - SUCKS, but I am doing this by joining Internet groups because the two people I know look at me as such a BURDEN, apparently. I really did a number on myself with my husband. I really know very few people here and have been out of the loop as to my own goals and endeavors. It's a lot to take in all at once. Still, I am jealous of people who say they 'love' this city, because all I;ve ever known here is toil and strife.
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:13 AM
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I think you may be undergoing some culture shock...NY is busy and you would do better if you had a friend to help you acquaint with some of the better areas...it's a very expensive place to live, I would not live there and feel happy either)
which is why many people commute from neighboring NJ which a lot more affordable. I live about 30 miles west of NYC and the bus comes every 10 mins. during the morning from 6-9AM to take commuters to work. it is a townhouse community with many ponds, walking trails, tennis courts, a tot playground and swimming pool...(we pay a monthly fee in addition to the mortgage)....there are lots of rentals too...but it adds on to your day time wise...most people will hire someone to come in and walk the dog during the day.

Your friend sounds like he has his own focus, not on your welfare.
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:38 AM
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RECF, I saw the situation a little differently. He went to the concert with friends and then you showed up with your dog which meant you couldn't go into the concert. He came out and talked to you a bit and then went back in. You wanted him to stay. You were asking him to pick between you and the other friends, which by the way he already did because he was there.

Let it go and move on. Doesn't mean he isn't a friend, just means he has other friends also and likes to do things with them as well.

As for being lonely I moved out on my AW 7 weeks ago. I was lonely and relieved at first also but then I decided to spend time making friends with myself and finding out what I like. I look at things now as an adventure and the opportunity to explore new things. I spend time at the gym, visiting my daughter and her family, taking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, reading recovery books and working my recovery as well as time her at SR. I am finding that there aren't enough hours in the week to do all that I want to do. Not bad for an old fart of 57.

I have even begun thinking about where I would like to live as in any where in the world. One daughter wants me to move to the Caribbean just so she can have a vacation home. And to be honest that doesn't sound bad.

I have my whole life to explore and for the first time in a while I am living it rather merely surviving.

I hope you can find adventure in your life also. BTW check out some al-anon meetings. It's a good place to start.

Your friend,
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:46 AM
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I took this as you wanting him to blow his friends off for you. It seemed like things weren't communicated too clearly between the two of you.

I would have let things slide, but these are the things you learn when you stand up for yourself. You will learn which fights to pick.

I wouldn't stress out about it. Live and learn.
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Old 07-04-2011, 08:15 AM
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I do understand what went on between my friend and me. Listen, I left the country in 2004 and didn't get back til last year when I was too involved with my marital problems to see him regularly. In the intervening years, he's made relationships and a community for himself. Good for him.
For better or for worse, I have become an outsider. It hurts, but it's more of a reminder that I need to do the same for myself. And BTW, I wouldn't necessarily say I was asking him to choose. Remember, I actually didn't say anything to him about it the same night, though I did say yesterday: "Hey, I should've asked you to join me for 10min, as I'd walked all that way." And he said: "I wouldn't have joined you anyway." And "You're freaking out."
Yes, live and learn. Starting another phase of life is never easy.
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Old 07-04-2011, 10:24 AM
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No, starting over is never easy, but it is temporary. One day (hopefully sooner rather than later) you will look back and remember these feelings as a thing of the past.

Like Mike above, at first I was lonely and a bit lost, and then I began to seek out things I had wanted to do but put on hold because being married to an A is very time consuming. Slowly, over the last 7 months, I have found I am not really lonely anymore and that I can spend all day in my pj's reading a book and it feels luxurious, not sinful! I think of the things I can do with my life when the kids leave the nest and it is exciting! I even went to a movie by myself...had to see Super 8 at the IMAX!

I still have pangs of what I call "weirdness"...but now they pass quickly and they are few and far between.

Hang in there...this too shall pass...
~T
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Old 07-04-2011, 10:44 AM
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Hi RECF

Getting away from his friends to talk to you for a while was not a "huge concession"...

Anyway, I moved to a new city 2.5 years ago, had many bad experiences, moved like 7 times.... had to see XABF daily at work.. horrible!!

...just now I am STARTING to feel more at home... it takes time, those above are great suggestions, find out what YOU enjoy and go ahead and do it... I only saw the bad things in the "new" city but I have paid more attention about what I enjoy and are happier, enjoying moments alone and also with some new friends that give me the attention that I give them...

I have been in wonderful places feeling horrible...and I have been in really bad locations feeling complete and happy... its all in our attitude... and the relationship with ourselves.

Now you are free to explore what RECF enjoys, in terms of music, food, exercise, arts... see who you like, see who gets a ticket out of your life... good for you for speaking for yourself, I know how difficult that is!

Perhaps remember you may not be there forever? that helps me... to think I am a tourist, visit highlights... and enjoy your time alone!! play spa at home, find your favorite radio station.. honestly it can get fun and I also find its luxury not to get any calls and do whatever I want in my weekend, get out if I want to, have the freedom to go anywhere with whoever I choose... to me it has been true, the old cliche, that when I finally started to be a friend to myself I started to meet healthier people who have also shown to me they are good friends... once I started to have more positive thoughts, situations changed in my favor.

But I am still very aware of who is who and checking if I am giving more than I am receiving.

All the best!
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