Who am I more mad at--me or him?

Old 07-03-2011, 06:51 PM
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Who am I more mad at--me or him?

I am so bummed--but more at me that at him.

This is the first time since codie rehab in April that I broke my vow to not drink with him--it's 4th of July and people are all out having a good time, so he invited me to lunch. Cool. A restaurant where he typically goes. Not cool, but it's a nice restaurant--he'll drink anyway, yadayada....

So, first hour, cool, fun. Second hour, OK, cool, too. But then he's doing his "mr. wonderful" show--chatting up everyone. I'm sitting there, by myself. He brings in Ms. Sarah Jessica Parker (or, more specifically, the character she played in LA story--ditzy, wacky, silly), and introduces her to me. Then he introduces me to "Ms. Blue Eyes" who he "saved" from a creepy guy that was making the moves on her. Then he just left me sitting there while he chatted up two other women on the other side of the bar.

OK, I KNOW I should never have been there to begin with. That's why I'm mad at myself. We came home, and he sent an inane email to the kids--here they are having a nice weekend far away from his crazy parents, and he has to b*tch and complain about me--telling them that I'm a jealous woman and he can't even talk to women without me getting mad. I was sad for the kids having to read this insane email, which was clearly his own way of trying to "rally the troops" in his favor.

I am so bummed with my own "slip." It's not that I'm a "jealous woman." I just was reacting out of disappointment with my own expectations that aren't to be. I can't expect anything less than what happened. But the good thing about things like this is, they strengthen your resolve to do it right the next time.

bummer.
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Old 07-03-2011, 06:59 PM
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We (hopefully) learn from our mistakes. I don't think it constitutes jealousy when he leaves you sitting at the bar while he chats up other women. That's just plain rude. Two hours plus, sitting at a bar doesn't sound like much of a date anyway.
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:09 PM
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Thanks, Suki...you are so right--and that's exactly what I said.

I've just done a little reading about enneagrams--and I came out a 9 ("peacemaker") which of course has a good side, but it also has a bad side--the downside of being a peacemaker is being "self-forgetting." I feel that I have to work harder to fight for myself, even if it feels counter to what I'm comfortable with. So, I'm not putting up with rudeness. Nope, not anymore. So when he baited me with the jealousy stuff, I told him that he behavior was just rude. Left it at that, and that's all I have to say about it.
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Old 07-04-2011, 06:25 AM
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I am a big fan of driving myself everywhere, meeting people places instead of being picked up. That way when things aren't fun anymore, or I get uncomfortable, I just leave.
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:30 AM
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Generally speaking I am more angry with myself....however, I feel like I have a divine right to deflect my anger onto the addict...Hmmp, who says we codies can't deflect with the best of them!

Just Kidding!

Don't be hard on yourself, we all have little blips in our radar screen. That's all this was...a blip! Sounds like you have already moved on, good for you!
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Old 07-04-2011, 07:43 AM
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The saying that comes to mind is progress not perfection. I think sometimes we need to touch the stove again just to make sure it is still hot so we can refocus on ourselves. I touched the stove yesterday and while it was not blazing hot anymore it still burned me. I look at it as I needed more information so I could understand where things were. Really helped me to get a clearer picture of where he is at.

I agree with suki... he was rude. Never okay to leave you behind or make you feel uncomfortable. I wonder how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you were walking around talking to other women? I think I know that answer.
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Old 07-04-2011, 08:04 AM
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It doesn't make you a jealous person to be hurt by unacceptable behavior on the part of your spouse. And in true alcoholic fashion, he managed to deflect the issue of his appalling behavior and turn it into "you're jealous". They really are master manipulators aren't they and no matter how good your radar or how "on the ball" you are with seeing that behavior coming, you're bound to be outwitted by an A bc they are 3 steps ahead in the manipulation dept at all times. This is something my T told me several weeks ago when I was beating myself up for getting involved in a circular conversation with my AH. He told me to stop being myself up first and foremost and told me that the main reason I need to go as NC as possible is bc I will be out-smarted 10 times out of 10 bc of the level of manipulation that is part of day to day existence in active alcoholics.

I'm sorry you had such a miserable time out with him and I am sorry you had to be subjected to the nasty things he said.

It would be wonderful I think if alcoholics could focus their ire and resentment squarely where it belongs; at themselves- rather than trying to destroy everyone around them.

Hope today is a better day...
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