sisters5

My sister P is an alcoholic. She has had a drinking problem for some time but it was never out of hand (or so I told myself) Anyway....she is two years older than I am and we have always been very close. Four years ago she lost her job due to company downsizing and things have spiraled out of control since. She is the seventh of eight children in our family. She has ALWAYS compared herself to the rest of us and now it is worse than ever. The five of us that are still living have tried everything we could to help her. My other sisters have been paying her mortgage so her house will not go into forclosure before it is sold. She has admitted she has a problem with drinking but is not being continues to drink. She is single and lives alone. She calls me drunk, and usually gets very combative when you ask her if she has been drinking.

Anyway, yesterday she called me and asked me to come take her to the hospital. I drove the 40 min to her house and when I got there she was hammered. I took her to a mental health facility but they said I had to go to the ER. Long story short, she walked out of the hospital because they said she had to sober up before they could help her. I am SOOO frustrated and angry right now. I love her to pieces but she is disrupting my life. I have a husband and two sons, 18 and 16. I am a cancer survivor and just want to have some peace and happiness in my life. She is constantly accusing me of having "The perfect life" because I have a family. I am at wits end and don't know what to do to help her.

Reading these posts has made me realize I am not the only one who feels this way. I'm looking for advise on how to not let her disrupt my life anymore but still be able to support her. I love her and miss the way she used to be. Please advise!!!!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR Family!

I'm glad you are here to get support and information.
I'm sorry that your circumstances with your sister brought you here.

Have you tried Alanon meetings?

They are a face-to-face support group for the Friends and Family members of Alcoholics. It is a 12 step program based on the same principles and steps of AA. I believe what you are looking for are ways to detach from your sister with love.

I also recommend reading in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of the forum. They contain wisdom and some of our stories.

Here is one of my favorite posts:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

LexieCat

Hm, what was her complaint she presented at the hospital? I find it odd they would refuse to admit her because she was drinking, if that was why she was there.

As long as everyone in the family is willing to keep her afloat, she has no incentive to get better.

I second the suggestion of Al-Anon--for many of us it was a life-saver.

sisters5

Thanks for the advise.....especially for the link. It does really help to know others out there have experienced all of this. I am going to find an Al Anon meeting in my area. I think that will really help. You are all right when you say I have to focus on what is best for me. I know I can't help her with this but we have always been so close it is killing me. I really miss my sister P the way she used to be. After I went through my battle with Cancer another of my sisters was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Watching her suffer I thought P would come to her senses but I guess I was wrong My sister M died in Nov of 09 and oddly enough was buried on P's birthday. A fact she always brings up like M did it on purpose. I feel like I have lost two sisters....not just one :rotfxko

fourmaggie

I totally agree Lexie about the family keeping her afloat...no one is doing her any favors of helping her to hit "ROCK BOTTOM" and if she looses the house, so be it....

I third the suggestion of Al Anon, i missed my group this week...but its been a good life saver for me....so much wisdom in those rooms

dollydo

Awwhh, I am so sorry, I feel your pain.

I agree with the others, meetings are a good option.

Also, running to save her, is not going to get her sober. The only way that she is going to improve is if she embraces a strong recovery program, she has to want soberity more than anything else in life. And, it doesn't sound like she has hit her bottom yet, unfortunately, some people never do, I hope that is not the case with your sister.

The only thing you can do is work on you, and, learn how to detach.

Keep reading here, and keep posting, we are here for you.

Pelican

I'm sorry to hear one sister is using the loss of another sister as excuses for unacceptable behavior.

Unfortunately, we have witnessed this with our alcoholics.
They claim to suffer from terminal uniqueness. It sounds like this:
"If you had the hard life I have, you would drink too"

It's referred to around here as quacking.

The fact is, the alcoholic will find any excuse to drink - death, grief, finances, job stress, relationship issues, the sky is blue, carrots are orange, etc.....

It is what alcoholics do - drink. They are also skilled at manipulation, lying, blame-shifting, denial, and drinking.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Congratulations to you for surviving your cancer!

sisters5

Wow.....I am really glad I found this sight. I don't have any friends who have gone through this (or are willing to admit it). The only people I have who understand are my brothers and sisters and they are all at wits end too. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support and insight. Now my sister P is calling all my brothers and sisters and telling them how mean I am. She has even called my sister M's (the one who passed away) husband and dragging him into all of this. By brother in law T is as close to all of this as a true brother. He called me and told me I should be calling 911 and having the police take her to the hospital. I think he is disappointed that I said I couldn't do it. I know he is worried sick and since he lives 3 hrs away he wants me to take care of things. I am the only sibling local so they all call me when she calls them drunk. I just can't do it anymore. I hope that does not make me a bad person!

God help me....I hope and pray she is OK tomorrow but I know I can't fix this. I am afraid of what every day will bring for her but I can't continue to let her manipulate me and make me feel guilty for what I have in my life. She makes me feel guilty about everything from my job, my kids, my job, my marriage, and my house. She even makes me feel guilty about having my dogs! What I do feel guilty about is that I don't feel like dealing with her anymore. I had a graduation party for my son last week and I really didn't even want her to come. She would NEVER drink at a function like that but I did not want to be judged. I don't know how she can come to a function and not drink a drop. She can come to my house for two or three days and NEVER drink. How does she do that. She never seems like she needs to drink. When she is sober....and not being self absorbed....she is a wonderful person. She is kind, caring and fun. How can alcohol be taking her from me?

Sorry to rant but once I start I can't stop. The whole situation is DRIVING ME CRAZY :

dollydo

Perhaps if you have time, I would recommend reading others posts. There is always alot of conversation about guilt. Speaking for myself, a card carrying codie, guilt has been a self imposed emotion that I continue to deal with. I know rationally that guilt keeps me stuck, I know that it is negative self serving emotion. If I feel guilty it gives me a right to ignore or not take a stand on an issue that is toxic to me.

As for your sister, perhaps your BIL has the right idea, call 911, she will be taken to a local hospital, and treated accordingly. She might wake up if you do not keep running to her rescue.

Her drinkling? Well, many alcoholics can keep from drinking for short windows of time, my exabf is a binge alcoholic, drug addict and can abstain when he deems it to be appropiate, then off he goes on a toot. This is not unusual behavior for an addict.

Try and relax, she is an adult, responsible for her own behavior, there is nothing you can do to save her, it is all up to her.

Happy 4th!

sisters5

Dollydo....thanks for the advise. I have been tooling around on this site and reading other posts. This does make me feel better about things. I had know idea so many people have felt the same way as I'm feeling now. I just miss P so much and would do anything to have her back. I would call 911 if I thought it would do any good. The Dr. at the ER yesterday said I could not make her go to the hosp or stay there arer they have run their test. I'm so confused about all of this!

dollydo

The only thing calling 911 does is take you out of the mix, it takes some of the play out of her game, believe it or not, alcoholics are great manipulators, they spend great deal of time trying to figure out how to con and manipulate others. They find great solice in upsetting others lives, by doing this, they become the center of attention

I know how it feels to miss someone you love. My mother is the alcoholic in my life, she has been drinking for over 65 years. I lost her more than 30 years ago, yet, my life must go on. I cannot help her, I can only forgive her and not enable her.

I am glad that you are reading around the forums here!

sisters5

I'm sorry about your mother Dollydo. I don't understand how anyone could let alcohol take over their lives. I know it is a disease but why would you let it cost you soooo much. Do you think that alcoholics manipulate on purpose. I want to think that it is not intentional but I'm starting to think it may be. P always seems to "go off" when it is a holiday or when someone else is in the "spotlight"

marie1960

Holidays and family events were always another " acceptable" excuse for A to get intoxicated, and cause havoc in family life, and our circle of friends. Remembering back to our good friends wedding that he was best man at, before the evening was over he fell in a huge bowl of food. I was in complete disgust

I think the holidays were just a time that A thought his excessive drinking would be less noticeable, and he was actually getting away with something, because afterall everyone was being festive, and he was only being socialable. blah, lah, blah..........

I was very sorry to read of the turmoil your sister is adding to your life. Certainly hope you can find some peace in this difficult time. Boundaries are for you, if she chooses not to help herself, things will not improve. There comes a point where we can no longer beat our heads against the wall, as it hurts like hell.

I too am grateful for this site, there are amazing stories, and heartfelt advice. Hope you find some comfort here. You are not alone in your search. Best wishes.

LexieCat

Alcoholics experience actual brain damage. Nothing about the disease is rational. About the only one who can really understand what it is like is another alcoholic. That's partly why AA is so successful.

ACOAHappyNow

Really great advice here on this thread! I know it's hard, but I found that for me, it was better to just detach to the point where I didn't even accept phone calls unless I felt I could handle it without engaging in my own co-dependency.

I realized the most important thing and the only thing I could control, was my own peace of mind and my own recovery. That is all I am responsible for. I didn't cause the alcoholism and I can't cure it.

I know it's hard though. I am feeling sadness myself lately over the ravages of alcoholism on my family of origin.

I am having to remind myself that I am powerless over the disease and while it's natural to feel some sadness, it's sick thinking on my part if I feel guilty about it or feel that I should intervene in some way.

This recovery from being an ACOA business has turned out to be a life-long pursuit in my case, LOL!

(((HUGS)))

dollydo

I am with ACOA Happy, recovery from being a ACOA is a full time job in itself! Just when I think I've got it, I have another setback.

My mother does plan some of her manipulations, I believe that she concocks her plan when she is sober, and then acts on it when she is drunk. She is a very revengeful person, full of negativity and distain. No one can drink as much and as long as she has and not have mental issues.

My brother and I say that she should have been on the stage, she is a great actress, can turn the tears on and off at will, and will use drama at the drop of a hat. And yes, she must have the spotlight focused on her at all times!

Some of her cr@p is quite humorous, the other stuff is just plain aggervating! Dealing with her is a real trip.

Try and detach, work on some bounderies and take each day as it comes.

sisters5

Thanks for all the great advise. I will start to set boundaries. It seems however, that as much as I say I will remove myself from her drama, when I don't know what is going on with her I spend all my time worrying about what she is up to. I know the situation is driving my husband and sons crazy. I have to put them first. My family has always been very close and we tend to put eachother before everyone else. I have always known that while I was dealing with "family drama" by husband could take care of my kids. The time to stop that is NOW. My son leaves for college at the beginning of September and I will not let her ruin my last summer with him at home!!!!! I Can't!!! When my sister M was dying I needed to be in Long Island to help her and her family out. Now I need to be home with my own family. At least I felt like I was helping M and her family through their bad time. P is just taking advantage. She was never like this before. She is now on Medicaid. She would have NEVER wanted to be on a social service before. She has lost all her pride. Is that normal too? My parents would be heartbroken if they were to see her now. We were not brought up to take advantage. We were raised to be strong, independent and proud!

Susiequeue

I am a sister too, and am bereft at the loss of my beloved sister -- she is alive, but so consumed by alcoholism that she barely seems to be. She is my older sister, always took care of me and I am just miserable.

Have been lurking here for a few weeks, felt like the only sister, so sister 5, you spoke to me, I am sister4.

I am trying desperately to disengage, but am e fixer in the family, and it is very hard.

I am just so sad and unhappy about this...

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Susie!

I'm sorry about your heartache over your sister.

When you are ready, start a new thread and introduce yourself to the rest of the family. You will find support and information and encouragement.

sisters5

Susie....I sent you a private message.... Look for it!

Thanks again to all for the advise. It was hard not to call P today and check on her but I did it. I'm hoping that is a good thing. Should I be checking on her periodically or should I wait for her to contact me? This is the hardest thing I have done in a long time. I just want her to be well.