coffeedrinker

sisters5,

I, too, welcome you to the sober recovery site. As you are finding, this is a tremendous source of support and - for me - personal growth.

Peace...

m1k3

Susie, contact should be up to you and whatever you feel comfortable with. And that can vary from day to day. The important thing is to do right by you. No, I don't feel like it is a valid answer and one we codies seldom use.

littlefish

Hi sister55, there are a couple of things you can to relieve some of the stress you are going through. I would discuss it with all of your siblings the view that you are expected to be the one to take action and responsibility in this situation just because you live close by. I would ask them to be prepared to provide more help and support.
Another thing all of you can do is stop accepting her calls when she is drinking. Tell her when she is sober that you will no longer accept her calls when she is drinking. If she ignores that request and calls drunk, just hang up.

I know that sounds tough, but there is no point in talking to someone who is intoxicated.
I am an alcoholic in recovery and most AA meetings won't allow an intoxicated person to speak at a meeting. They are told to come back and speak when they are sober.

And the worrying, it will literally make you physically ill. Try to eliminate those thoughts because worry is a thought process that really is unproductive. You can worry all day about your sister, but it is only going to take it's toll on your health.

If I may ask, if she is on medicaid because she is at retirement age? Did she lose her job just prior to retirement or just she have a number of years left in which she could work again? I see the payment of her mortgage as a big problem because it has turned her siblings into major enablers. Unfortunately, giving her that form of security is a double edged sword for her: it was probably helpful for her in the beginning but now it is a syndrome that allows her to avoid making life decisions, such as stop drinking and trying to work again, or, finding a living arrangement that is feasible on HER income. As long as she doesn't have to work or pay for her home, she can continue to live in the limbo of drinking without having to face too many consequences.
Is there a way you and your siblings can all have a meeting together and make a plan of some kind? You can't force her to stop drinking, of course.
But maybe you can discuss a plan for pushing for the sale of the house and your sister finding housing that she can pay for.

Portia123

Great advice here. Welcome to SR!

Once I began to let my RAH suffer the consequences of his drinking (whatever they are), it seems he hit his rock bottom ... my enabling him never helped the situation. I like the idea of calling 911, takes you out of the picture ... Try Al-Anon, it helped me very much in learning about the disease, set boundaries and detach with love. Good luck and God bless!

littlefish

The thing about calling the police is that they may not always be able to take action. They will probably not take a drunken person out of their home. The decision they make is if that person is a danger to themselves or others. Only in that case will they take that person to a hospital or to jail.

Just4me

Sisters5,

Welcome. I too am new so I don't have as much advice or experience as some of the others. However, I have spent most of my life living with alcoholics, so I guess that does give me some autority on the matter. What has worked best for me is after accepting that I didn't cause it and I can't change it, I set boundaries. Setting boundaries is so liberating!! It really allows you to take control of your feelings and it feels like you are adding stability to your life. And you don't have to start big (with my dad it ultimately ended up being if you choose to drink you can't be a part of my life, period). Even little tiny tiny boundaries can help make you feel better and give you control over the situation and your feelings.

Best of luck to you!!

sisters5

I guess I am a little confused about what everyone means by boundaries. Are they some kind of ultimatums? Please elaborate.

m1k3

Boundaries are what you set up to protect yourself. For example you could tell your mom you don't want to talk about AS. If she calls and starts to talk about her you simply hang up. You could set a boundary where you don't want to attend social occasions where your AS is present. If she is there or arrives later you simply leave. No fuss, no complaining just leave.

That is a couple examples of how you use boundaries to protect yourself.

OKay?

Your friend,

fedup3

Welcome sister5! Big hugs to you and I'm so sorry for the reason why you found us. Alcohol what a deadly thing it is it's like a Body Snatcher, it sucks the life out of the person you love until what is left is this person you don't know and really don't want to know. Please go to Al-Anon it will help. You need support from others who know what you are going through.

sisters5

Wow!!! You really hit the nail on the head. Alcohol has snatched my sister AND I WANT HER BACK. I'm scared to death that she is never coming back. I miss her soo sooo much!!! Why did this terrible disease enter my life. The ironic thing is that my father was an alcoholic. He quit drinking when I was about 8 so I really don't remember much of it. My brother too was an alcoholic but he was 15 years older than I am and we were not close. Ironically again, he died about two months after he quit drinking. He through a blood clot while on a tread mill at the gym. Dec 21, 1997. Three hours after we told my father he had died my father had a heart attack and dropped dead. I found him on his bedroom floor. We burried them together on Christmas Eve 1997. Very Very sad but you have to deal with it. You can not climb in a bottle and whollow. I think a few of my siblings did just that. Fortunately the others have gotten beyond that! P seems to be stuck. We have had a number of bad years but I guess that is life! I don't know why P can't see that.

I have battled Cancer and watched my other sister lose her battle with Cancer. She left three kids behind ages 24, 22 and 17. She would have given ANYTHING to live and P is just flushing her opportunities down the toilet. That angers me all the more. We have watched our mother suffer with dimentia and lose that battle. Why can't P see what gifts she has and embrase them????? I know I'm ranting but once you turn on the fauset it is hard to shut it off. I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!

dollydo

Recently I read somewhere (wish I could remember where) that children of alcoholics have a 70% chance of developing a pattern of compulsive behavior. That doesn't mean to just alcohol, it could be drugs, gambling, shopping, food or....codependency. That's where I come in...I am a codie.

I use to fear the loss of control, I was apprehensive about letting events happen as they should, I felt like I had to jump in the event feet first, and, in the past, have been known to abondon what I was doing to save someone.

How did that work for me? It didn't.

Do you see yourself in me? Are your children and husband suffering because of your wanting to fix your sister?

You are a loving caring sister, however, it may be time for you to reconsider your role in her life, and, exactly what your priorities are in your life. If you continue to be so emeshed in your sisters life, how can you live yours?

Life is what we make of it, you are entitled to have your life back, setting bounderies with your sister will allow you to regain it.

These are just my thoghts, you are obviously a fighter, however, sometimes we have a difficult time choosing our battles.

Sending hugs and support your way,

sisters5

My my how wise you are dollydo. I do see myself in you. I have spent so much time taking care of other people and now I NEED to put my boys and my husband first. You are absolutely right. I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

m1k3

Don't forget to keep yourself at the top of that list. As codies we are always putting other people ahead of our own best interests. Make time to take care of yourself also.

Pelican

I found a lot of information and practical skills for dealing with my codependency from Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More".

I read it once and immediately saw my family of origin in each example she wrote. I wanted to give a copy to everyone (codie alert!).

Thankfully, I re-read the book. (many times over the years as I keep falling into old behaviors). Now I can take better care of myself. Now I can allow other adults to take care of themselves. I have put away my super woman cape that I had been so quick to throw on. The super woman cape kept me racing around anticipating others needs, making everything smooth, always giving soft landings when they were about to fall, and kept me from facing my own needs. It was exhausting wearing that cape. Now instead of putting on the super woman cape, I grab a copy of "Codependent No More" and check myself before I wreck myself!

I do give away copies of the book now, but only after someone has come to me and asked how did I get so good at handling situations. When they are ready to learn how to let other adults take care of themselves, I introduce them to Melody Beattie.

Here is a helpful link about codependency:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

sistertrouble

FWIW, this statement is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I am learning to focus on me but still...