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Does he really not care at all??

Old 07-02-2011, 02:12 PM
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Does he really not care at all??

Yes, my husband is an A and I tried to talk with him yesterday about his drinking and he would not even listen to me. He got up and said he will drink till the day he dies and if I don't like it I know where the door is. He says he wouldn't cry a day over me. He is so emotionally unavailable. I feel like I can't even have a normal conversation with him anymore. Is this all just an act, or does he really not give a crap??

Last night was supposed to be our date night but he ended up getting drunk and leaving me at home to go do a shot at the bar. He of course invited me to go along but I chose not to...I guess this is his idea of a date night...another fight, more silence, no emotion.......
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Old 07-02-2011, 02:16 PM
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Weeelll, on some level he does give a crap, I'm guessing. But alcohol is simply more important. He wouldn't put it in those terms, of course--he would have a whole raft of reasons why he is entitled to drink and you are being a miserable PITA. But the bottom line is that alcohol becomes the most important thing in life for an alcoholic. As long as you are willing to "play ball" then you are a wonderful woman. As soon as you come between him and his drinking, you are the problem.
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Old 07-02-2011, 02:17 PM
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Sweetie he is a practicing alcoholic.

His MISTRESS and his MASTER is alcohol.

Until he is ready of his own accord to give it up there is not one damn thing you can do to get him to do it.

Please try some Alanon meetings and/or find a counselor that specializes in addiction FOR YOU.

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

You can learn how to live your own life with or without him.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-02-2011, 02:39 PM
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Hi Caligirl71 (I'm a Cali girl too )!

I so understand where you are at. Meaningful conversation with an active alcoholic is a one sided discussion. "another fight, more silence, no emotion" rinse and repeat. It is not your fault it is his addiction which has control. Sad thing is there is nothing you can say to change this. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you, but really has to do with how much he loves the bottle. The best thing you can do is get to an Al-anon meeting, read SR and get as educated as possible on alcoholism as possible. It is time to focus on you and what your wants and needs are from a relationship. Learning to detach from his addiction and then determine where your boundaries are is a step in the direction of healing you. You deserve better than someone who tells you things like he would not cry a day over you. This is progressive and in time it will only get worse unless he find recovery and actively works a program.
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Old 07-02-2011, 03:18 PM
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I understand where you are coming from. My dad is an alcoholic, so you can imagine how it's hard for me to think a parent just doesn't care about me and how he chooses the bottle over his family. I just try to focus on myself, looking to what to do with my future and I'm looking into AL meetings. Maybe you going to an AL meeting will help push your husband in the right direction.
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Old 07-02-2011, 03:22 PM
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As a recovering alcoholic, I can say this: when active our higher power, love of our life is the bottle. We put that at the center of our existence. I suggest Al-anon, a program for people with a drunk in their lives.
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Old 07-02-2011, 03:25 PM
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Sorry to hear that Caligirl71!

It's a hard situation to be in. I'm new to this site, but not new to those feelings. I've been told when he's sober that he loves me and can't picture his life without me. When he's drunk it's "there's the door", "accept me for me", and "I can replace you like that". You get mixed messages all the time.

I can't really give any advice, except that in the past I have refused to hang out with my A, simply telling him, "I don't like being around you when you've been drinking, so I'm going to go be by myself and read/watch TV/ etc." That distance, even in the other room, helped make me feel like I had some control. I think you already did this by refusing to go with him to drink (good for you!).

It's hard and unfortunately I can offer no good advice except to listen to yourself, and do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and happy. Baby steps are still steps in the right direction!!
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Old 07-02-2011, 06:46 PM
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Hey Caligirl,

Please don't take anything he says personally or even seriously. He is an active alcoholic and like everyone else has said, he will say anything, hurtful or otherwise, to keep his attention on his drinking. I know how you are feeling and also experienced the lack of emotion and hurtful jabs when my XABF was actively drinking. It is tough but you really shouldn't let it get to you. I'm not sure if you're new here or not, but the term I'm looking for is QUACK! It sounds like he is a duck just quacking along about other things just to keep his focus on his drinking.
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Old 07-02-2011, 06:47 PM
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PS- I'm from socal too, so gooo cali! Haha
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Old 07-02-2011, 07:29 PM
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Thank you for all the kind responses. It is nice to not feel alone in this. I had to escape today with my little ones. I just need some peace and quiet away from him & his alcohol! Thank you again...xoxo
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:15 AM
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I have went through some of the same conversations this weekend, the only thing is he says the nasty vile things when we are alone, and then convienently don't remember saying them the next day, I don't know if he honestly don't remember or he just says that cause he realize how horrible he spoke to me. He told me this Friday night he thought we should just divorce, but told other people I said it. but no matter who said it it was just his latest excuse to drink more like he needs one.

I will say that going to Alanon has helped so much because I know it is not my fault and so I go on and do my thing.
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Old 07-03-2011, 09:38 AM
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He told you who he is. What he plans to do.
You can either accept that is the person he is and find your own happiness or decide that is not the person you want to be with and find your own happiness.
It sounds so simple but so hard to do. I have been struggling with this for a LONG time.
After having moved out I realized I did not want to live that way anymore-waiting for him to choose me over the bottle. I need to see the reality of what is in front of me now rather than hoping for a miracle in the future.
Al-Anon has really helped me a great deal. Give it a try.
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Old 07-03-2011, 11:01 AM
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His primary relationship and love is with alcohol.

What do you want for yourself and your children in the future?

He's made it crystal clear what he's going to be doing.
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