why are there always mind games??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
why are there always mind games??
hi i wonder if any of you know the answer to this
myAH has been pushing and pushing , there have been so many lies, broken promises, threats, aggression, theft of jewellery, and I always forgave him and tried to put it behind us so we could start afresh, however, last week he went on a big bender, stayed out all night, got brought home by the police and was in such a state, he spent night on sofa with me terrified in case he chocked on his own vomit, he woke me up at 4am screaming that id taken his wages. I hadnt i never touch his things, but he would nt listen... about 6am he went to work then it was like it never happened. I told him id had enough couldnt cope with his behaviour and i wanted us to finish..it felt so good!! but he ignored it.
He has nt had a drink this week but i still feel i ve had enough, i ve told him to his face , been direct, but he twists things and puts the blame on me. He says if its what i want to live alone so i can bring men round, that ill miss him when its winter and i get callled out. Then he tries to justify his behavior and this is my fault because i dont want to be with him, he cant live without me ill be destroying his future etc and if i forgave him wed be fine, but i know they are empty promises, i dont believe him and i dont want to live with the stress and tension and me being on edge waiting for him to drink.
I do want out i love him but its not the same, hes past drunkeness and agression has killed me inside and im so tired of feeling sick in side, tired of crying. i know im rambling a bit , but i have no friends or contact with my family ( he used to get upset and cos of the fights i stopped seeing them) I feel so alone. I want him to go but he makes me feel guilty and that maybe im to hard on him, maybe he will change???
myAH has been pushing and pushing , there have been so many lies, broken promises, threats, aggression, theft of jewellery, and I always forgave him and tried to put it behind us so we could start afresh, however, last week he went on a big bender, stayed out all night, got brought home by the police and was in such a state, he spent night on sofa with me terrified in case he chocked on his own vomit, he woke me up at 4am screaming that id taken his wages. I hadnt i never touch his things, but he would nt listen... about 6am he went to work then it was like it never happened. I told him id had enough couldnt cope with his behaviour and i wanted us to finish..it felt so good!! but he ignored it.
He has nt had a drink this week but i still feel i ve had enough, i ve told him to his face , been direct, but he twists things and puts the blame on me. He says if its what i want to live alone so i can bring men round, that ill miss him when its winter and i get callled out. Then he tries to justify his behavior and this is my fault because i dont want to be with him, he cant live without me ill be destroying his future etc and if i forgave him wed be fine, but i know they are empty promises, i dont believe him and i dont want to live with the stress and tension and me being on edge waiting for him to drink.
I do want out i love him but its not the same, hes past drunkeness and agression has killed me inside and im so tired of feeling sick in side, tired of crying. i know im rambling a bit , but i have no friends or contact with my family ( he used to get upset and cos of the fights i stopped seeing them) I feel so alone. I want him to go but he makes me feel guilty and that maybe im to hard on him, maybe he will change???
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Tell your family, make contact with them. If you are worried about privacy issues, pick up a cheap prepaid phone and use that to contact them. But do it, please! AH basically shut me off from my family too, but being pushy German women, they forced their way back in and made me tell them. And it was the BEST thing that happened to me.
He will NOT change unless he chooses to get sober and begin recovery, and even then, it will take awhile.
You should try and attend an al-anon meeting too, start your recovery.
He will NOT change unless he chooses to get sober and begin recovery, and even then, it will take awhile.
You should try and attend an al-anon meeting too, start your recovery.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Sorry you are feeling all twisted inside/outside and confused.
I remember feeling the same way while living with my alcoholic.
Here are some of the things I have learned from SR and Alanon meetings:
It is only a mind game if two are playing.
I can remove myself from the circular (go no where) conversations when I am ready.
I can keep telling myself "it will be better this time" or "it will be better next time" but the reality is that the cycle is just repeating and getting worse.
It is up to me to choose between the fantasy or the reality.
I learned to start picturing the big white AFLAC Duck when I see and hear this type of quacking:
Then he tries to justify his behavior and this is my fault because i dont want to be with him, he cant live without me ill be destroying his future etc and if i forgave him wed be fine,
The translation for the above quacking:
I drink too much but I need you to be responsible
I drink too much and have no future but I need you to be responsible
I drink too much and know it will kill me but I need you to be responsible
I drink too much and can't forgive myself but I need you to be responsible
I drink too much and know you will leave but I need you to be responsible
My dear,
This is your life.
You are important.
Your happiness is important.
Your future is important.
Your life matters.
I remember feeling the same way while living with my alcoholic.
Here are some of the things I have learned from SR and Alanon meetings:
It is only a mind game if two are playing.
I can remove myself from the circular (go no where) conversations when I am ready.
I can keep telling myself "it will be better this time" or "it will be better next time" but the reality is that the cycle is just repeating and getting worse.
It is up to me to choose between the fantasy or the reality.
I learned to start picturing the big white AFLAC Duck when I see and hear this type of quacking:
Then he tries to justify his behavior and this is my fault because i dont want to be with him, he cant live without me ill be destroying his future etc and if i forgave him wed be fine,
The translation for the above quacking:
I drink too much but I need you to be responsible
I drink too much and have no future but I need you to be responsible
I drink too much and know it will kill me but I need you to be responsible
I drink too much and can't forgive myself but I need you to be responsible
I drink too much and know you will leave but I need you to be responsible
My dear,
This is your life.
You are important.
Your happiness is important.
Your future is important.
Your life matters.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
thank you
Thank you both,
I will make contact with my family, and the idea of getting a different phone is good, lets hope he doesnt find it tho!!
I feel stupid sometimes, hence my log on name!, i know he uses manipulation but he wears me down. I think the threats of violence, eg slit my throat, hang me from the banisters and burn the house down while i slepp dont help. I felt so good last week when i told him i dont want to be with him but it didnt last to long. I was reading some of the threads about normies and of the part 1 and 2 i do most of the things said, ie sleep with my keys, stay fully dressed incase i need to make a quick exit!, I know its abuse and i deserve more, but as you say its a vicious circle of him drinking, fighting then calm then the whole thing starts again.!! I think the most sensible thing i ever did was that i never changed the house into his name, i purchased it before i met him, the day we were going to add him to the deeds he was paraletic and so it wasnt done... thank goodness.
I dont know wht the initials stand for but i like th eterm quacking!! he 'quacks on ' because i need peace in my life and that im too sensible, but i know if i stay with him ill never have peace.
I miss my family, i used to be a happy positive person yet in 3 years hes made me into a twitching wreck, whose anxious and stressed out.
You are so right thank you for reinforcing that i am important too, its very easy to forget when you get 'bogged down' by the A games.
I will try very hard to not participate in the mind games, and thank you for saying about alanon, there is a meeting next tuesday in my area, so ill attend it.
Im dreading him coming home its friday, pay day!! and the mood he was in 'victim mode' the chances are there will be trouble tonight,
You both have made me feel better not so alone , thank you so much
I will make contact with my family, and the idea of getting a different phone is good, lets hope he doesnt find it tho!!
I feel stupid sometimes, hence my log on name!, i know he uses manipulation but he wears me down. I think the threats of violence, eg slit my throat, hang me from the banisters and burn the house down while i slepp dont help. I felt so good last week when i told him i dont want to be with him but it didnt last to long. I was reading some of the threads about normies and of the part 1 and 2 i do most of the things said, ie sleep with my keys, stay fully dressed incase i need to make a quick exit!, I know its abuse and i deserve more, but as you say its a vicious circle of him drinking, fighting then calm then the whole thing starts again.!! I think the most sensible thing i ever did was that i never changed the house into his name, i purchased it before i met him, the day we were going to add him to the deeds he was paraletic and so it wasnt done... thank goodness.
I dont know wht the initials stand for but i like th eterm quacking!! he 'quacks on ' because i need peace in my life and that im too sensible, but i know if i stay with him ill never have peace.
I miss my family, i used to be a happy positive person yet in 3 years hes made me into a twitching wreck, whose anxious and stressed out.
You are so right thank you for reinforcing that i am important too, its very easy to forget when you get 'bogged down' by the A games.
I will try very hard to not participate in the mind games, and thank you for saying about alanon, there is a meeting next tuesday in my area, so ill attend it.
Im dreading him coming home its friday, pay day!! and the mood he was in 'victim mode' the chances are there will be trouble tonight,
You both have made me feel better not so alone , thank you so much
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Reading your comments I have to say I'm frightened for you. Please try Al-anon it will help you gain power to make good decisions. No one deserves to be treated the way you are and living in fear is not healthy. I agree to try and get out of the house tonight, especially if he has been drinking. I'm sure others will be along shortly to give you some great advise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
then theyll be more trouble, for i must be going out to sleep with someone else!!, i know ultimately ill need to leave him so i can get 'me' back but, he wont leave, and im sick of living like this, if things get really bad i have my credit card and will book in a hotel or somewhere. thank you, it feels so good to let how im feeling out!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
he might be so drunk hell shout and then collapse in a chair, its worse when he has had a smaller amount thinking i wont notice... how could i not hes eyes, mannerisms, voice becomes totally different,but he becoms very argumentative and aggressive. do you think it could be to do with type of alsohol he drinks? he either drinks kestrel super 9% of vodka. i think he plays on my fear, in fact im sure he does. im going to have to stop in a while he doesnt know i found this site, he ll be very angry if he knew i was conversing.. tues evening i will go to alanon, thank you all
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Okay, please make sure that you are clearing your internet history out when you are done on here. You can google instructions on how to do it if you don't know how.
and it is YOUR house, correct? so if you file for divorce, he would have to leave the premises. Don't let him bully you anymore.
and it is YOUR house, correct? so if you file for divorce, he would have to leave the premises. Don't let him bully you anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
yes its my house, mortgaged but in my name. i dont know how to get rid of history but ill google it, thank u. i hope he wont come home drunk if he does and there will be trouble ill leave.i feel do stupid, how did i fall into such an abusive relationship?, hes a jekyll and hyde, he has his own name and a nick name, he likes his nickname, especially when he drinks, hes 2 people , when hes sober it can be amazing when its bad its hell. he doesnt realise the bad times wipe out the good, i know he tries hard not to , but theres something that makes him drink, and then he becomes the monster. im going to have to go as i dont want him walking in on this. thank you all,
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please contact the NEAREST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CENTER to you and talk to them!!!!!
They can help you. Yes you may have to go to the shelter for a bit while 'legal work' is completed to 2) remove him from the residences and/or 2) get a 'protection order and/or restraining order' against him.
There is more to ABUSE than just physical. The mental and emotional ABUSE, which he is doing to you, can may be just as harmful or even more so.
Please call your local DVC as soon as possible!!!!
Love and hugs,
They can help you. Yes you may have to go to the shelter for a bit while 'legal work' is completed to 2) remove him from the residences and/or 2) get a 'protection order and/or restraining order' against him.
There is more to ABUSE than just physical. The mental and emotional ABUSE, which he is doing to you, can may be just as harmful or even more so.
Please call your local DVC as soon as possible!!!!
Love and hugs,
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi,
I strongly second (or third, or whatever) that you get some help with your DV situation before you do anything else. I worked in the DV field for many years, and men who make threats such as the ones he has been making are, indeed, dangerous. I have seen many cases in which the exact same threats you are talking about ended with a murder.
Safety comes before anything else. A DV counselor will be able to help you to leave SAFELY (doing it the wrong way can be very dangerous). They are experts in safety planning.
Hugs, please pay attention to us on this.
I strongly second (or third, or whatever) that you get some help with your DV situation before you do anything else. I worked in the DV field for many years, and men who make threats such as the ones he has been making are, indeed, dangerous. I have seen many cases in which the exact same threats you are talking about ended with a murder.
Safety comes before anything else. A DV counselor will be able to help you to leave SAFELY (doing it the wrong way can be very dangerous). They are experts in safety planning.
Hugs, please pay attention to us on this.
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