JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Love ya too GB and hang in their girlfriend. We are both going to make it to PEACELAND oppose to CRAZYLAND one of these days!!

Now go enjoy this long weekend!! I am off to the Lake Winni and I can not wait for my AH free weekend!!

Here is me for the next few days....

Ponder

Divorce used to be a dirty word to me. I never wanted a divorce either. I never wanted to "be" divorced To me divorce meant failure. I've been divorced now for 3 and a half years.

And ya know what? Being divorced was not the failure. The failure was me staying with an abusive assclown for 17 years, wasting my "good years", sacrificing my own happiness, all because I didn't want to be known as a divorced woman. I wish I had known how much the price of pretend was.

LifeRecovery

Getting By

I don't know if this directly relates for you or not but the discussion of black and white thinking brought it up for me.

I am in the process of realizing that I get into black and white (good and bad) thinking when I let "outside" influences in. Those influences are not easy for me to recognize like FOO issues, religion, sometimes even recovery work in many forms. (Trust me it is what I do with those that are the problem instead of the philosophy behind them). I fall back into those old ways though and don't even realize that I have options until I am down a street which I feel I cannot turn back from.

When I am able to wipe the slate clean and look at what is best for me (I don't have kids so I don't know how to do it with that) some of the "morality" of the situation dissipates for me, letting me get out of the extremes.

Sorry if that is clear as mud only. It was what I talked about in counseling today and I am a slow to process.

GettingBy

Hey stella... Good questions! This is a really hard way to live. Limbo sucks. You're absolutely correct... If we are "working" on the marriage... It would be reasonable to expect me to go along on family outings. What has me so ticked off (and all that anger isn't directed solely at him... Some is at myself!)... is because of the whole charade our life is right now. The whole facade he puts up of being the "good husband" while meanwhile back at the ranch... He acts like a complete asshat. And then mad at myself for buying into his empty, baseless promises that he has no intention (or maybe ability?) to follow through on. He offered marriage counseling, I agreed to slow down the train out of dodge... And he has had no follow through.

Now I feel like an asshat for buying his big load of ****.

So yeah, he tells everyone that we are working on the marriage, yet he isnt doing ****... So in my humble opinion, I'm in no way obligated to participate in an family event... With his family. If he wants to go, and take the kids, well then have at it! But don't expect me to tag along so you can keep up the appearance of "working on the marriage". That is so freaking step ford... It makes me want to vomit.

And for the record.... He got drunk again tonight... For the 3 time this week... And is currently passed-out on the couch. Yeah... That looks like someone who is desperately trying to save their marriage. My a$$.


I appreciate the questions... They force me to follow the thoughts and feelings through. I'm looking forward to my home meeting tomorrow morning. I "greased the skids" on the lady I want for my new sponsor. I'm looking forward to popping the question and digging further into me.

I HAVE to get my head straightened out. This $hit at home has got to stop.

GettingBy

I do need to work on my fear and misconception of "divorce.". It feels so icky just to say the word. But really, how much ickier is it to admit how I'm living right now?!?

I have to stick to getting feedback from healthier sources... Not ones that are coming from people with biased opinions. Right now the only places I'm getting that are here and the rooms of al-anon. Adding a new sponsor who I would feel more comfortable calling on outside a meeting would be a huge help!

Though I may not reference each and everyone of your posts... I am so grateful for them ALL!!

LaTeeDa

Oh man, can I ever relate to that! I remember typing an email to my sister, telling her I was going to file (cause I didn't have the courage to call her on the phone, lol). It literally took me twenty minutes to type the word d-i-v-o-r-c-e. I just couldn't get my fingers to do it. And I cried for another twenty minutes looking at it on the screen! That was one of the biggest things I had to tackle with my therapist. The divorce=failure belief. Amazing the things we get ingrained in our heads, isn't it?

L

LexieCat

The hardest thing about getting divorced the first time was the fact that we had kids, and NOBODY in my family had ever been divorced. And it was, literally, ALL my doing. I wanted out--badly--and for reasons that mostly had to do with my feeling trapped/stuck. No abuse, no active alcoholism, great guy. Still, I felt utterly miserable, and I felt I was being untrue to myself, and unfair to him, to continue on that way.

I feel like I hurt a lot of people, though I have done my best to minimize the damage. In that respect, I think I've mostly done pretty well.

BUT, in your case, you have done everything humanly possible (and then some) to try to have a healthy, happy home for yourself and your kids (and even your husband). You can't do it singlehandedly, with someone determined to suck the joy out of life for everyone in his household. You haven't failed. You merely haven't accomplished the impossible.

Someday your kids will be proud of you. You don't want them to someday shake their heads and wonder why the heck mom did that to herself for so many years. I'd rather have my kids think of me as happy than as miserable.

I'll keep my fingers that he does take the little darlings on the trip--so SHANNON gets a vacation!!

GettingBy

I love you Lexiecat. You're the best.

mfrankl6

I'm trying not to be stressed about the very same situation. Actually I don't care much for the image I won't keep it up anymore. My wife is a functional alcoholic. My situation is even more sticky because by divorcing I stand to loose everything I've worked so hard for. My wife has won my kids over by giving them the freedom and breaking most of my parental rules. She keeps secrets with them behind my back. The list goes on. She pretends to not drink on certain days but when she crashes she crashes hard. She has Wednesdays and Thursdays off and oh boy is she pissy drunk. The rest of the days she works until 4pm then gets off work and she is drunk by 6pm (when I get home) then passed out by 8pm. The kids are free to do as they plead. I can't stand to smell how the alcohol blends with her body odor. She wants affection, a hug a kiss anything and I know it but I am so full of disgust I don't even want to look at her. I still love her but I am so over this. We have lived in our new house for 1 1/2 years now. I feel like I had no choice but to continue on for my kids sake.

mfrankl6

I feel this is the stage I am in. Managing the finances and keeping everything together. My wife is wearing me down. We no longer sleep in the same bed. She passes out and I leave her on the coach. I move quietly through the house so I don't wake her. I am starting to find comfort in sleeping alone.

stella27

I was lucky because my AH left me. I was where you were for at least 6 months not knowing what to do, but I kept thinking that he cared and would stop drinking when he saw what he had to lose. Instead it got worse and worse and my self-esteem went into the toilet.

I've been out for two years and I can't tell you the difference - it's like night and day. I think they have a twisted way of believing that as long as you are still there, you're still there, kwim?

vujade

I'm SOOOO stealing this word.

mfrankl6

My wife has lost all desire to take care of herself. What is a man supposed to do?

GettingBy

Mfrank....

Do you go to al-anon? Going there has provided me the support, care and compassion that my life so desperately needed.

I live in a separate room of our 2 yr old house... The fear of selling it paralyzed me for a while (and still does to some extent... If we are be honest!!!)... but it is NO reason to stay in a marriage.

The only thing thought should keep me here is a loving, caring, respectful partner who is focused on making himself the best person he can and is willing to work on our relationship. I don't have that in my AH... And I suspect you don't have that in your wife.

Today's reading in One Day At A Time is sooooo perfect for this thread. When Meredith posts the thread of it... Please read it... And think about giving al-anon a chance!

I understand your fear, sadness, and frustration... For I'm right there with you!
Shannon

TakingCharge999

Hi GettingBy,

Well done for not giving in!!!!! that is a huge step!!!! you protected your peace, YAY!!

The only failure is to betray yourself to keep up appearances/ego and the traps of codependency that dictate others´ opinions are more important than yours...

I don't like the words success, nor failure... they enslave everyone.

Whatever we do to stay true to ourselves is what needs to be done regardless of anyone else's labels.

In therapy we write down the labels we give ourselves and ones we remember from others (whatever label, not only negative ones) and burn them....


Keep moving forward!!! you are an inspiration.

GettingBy

I'm bumping this for Lizatola....

Lizatola... I just want you to know that I completely understand right where you are!! This was me just one year ago. I get it. I really really get it.