Sylvie66

I think I'm 'processing'...

My throat is sore, my joints ache, I'm tired and vaguely worried all the time I'm awake. The last 2 dreams I had were: 1. finding my BF passed out drunk in bed with another woman (in the same condition) and 2. going to see if and how my BF got hurt, and afraid to touch him because it might hurt him more.

I know I need a therapist. I'm obsessing about money. I spend far too much time on the computer, and not enough with my kids.

I think my ABF wants to split up completely rather than address the alcoholism. At the same time that he says 'I don't see this going anywhere.' and 'I have to do something rather than feel sorry for myself' - he's also saying 'You could be home tonight' and 'Move back home'.

I'm ... I'm sad. I want him to change, and I want him to be happy. He wants me to go home, and have things be as they were. He's starting to clean up, which he never did the whole 4 years I was there. I didn't clean up his hoarding mess, only the 'living' mess. So today when he cleared off a toolbench, I felt resentful! I must be nuts.

Why am I even doing this? What's driving me to get involved over and over with ridiculous men (besides the obvious)? I've got to stop. The idea that he wants to break up with me is just so sad... but what on earth did I expect? That he'd change? and on my timeline? It's hardly fair to him that I have this smoldering judgement against him for behaving like an alcoholic.

Good lord, I sound nuts.

- Sylvie, who's had better days.

vujade

Hugs, Sylvie. We've all BTDT. Some days we feel so strong and so sure. The next day we have horrible cravings to relapse into the same old enabling, codependent relationships. Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge your feelings and meet them head-on. And take each breath as it comes.

dollydo

You need to change you, you cannot change him. Have you ever been to therapy? You are so dependent on having a man in your life, any man, this is a red flag to me.

Are you going to Alanon? Are you reading Codependent No More?

Have you considered getting the help you need, to me, you are not in a healthy place, and this needs to be addressed.

m1k3

Sylvie ((((hugs))))

Sounds like things are tuff right now. I have to agree with dolly though that you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Something that helps with me is when I find my thoughts are being dominated by my AW I tell her to get out of my head and start counting breadths. That works real well for me bringing me back to the hear and now. With practice I find yourself doing that before I even realized that I was beginning to obsess. It really helped with all I was going through this last week or so.

Your friend,

Sylvie66

Thanks, I needed to vent my weird feelings and get some honest feedback. It helps that I'm better able to recognize the quacking ("I was about to ask you to marry me!").

I talked to my best friend last night for a long time. Her husband died just after they helped me move into my new apartment. She is very sensible and kind - and she wanted to hear me talk about my life, to keep her more grounded!

I found a really good item online yesterday that helped too. It was about sadness: sadness is our psyche telling us that something is going against our values, and the cure is to recognize what that value is, and then take action toward a resolution. So I called my insurance company to see if individual counseling was covered. It is, so next week I'll start looking around for a therapist.

I feel better today; putting my emotional tangle out there was nerve-wracking, because I expect the response to be 'suck it up!' - but no one said that. Thank you!

- Sylvie

BobbyJ

Remember......This too shall pass.......

Tuffgirl

Yes, this!

Hang in there, Sylvie!