firema

Mine has been a high functioning alcoholic progressively over 20 years. We fell in love about 3 years ago, i started Al-Anon and we split up at 7 months. I tried to keep in touch with him over time. He came back twice.. the first time he confessed while drunk he felt he'd be dead in 2 yrs, then he disappeared. The second time he showed up last September on my porch with some angry talk about how he's tired of everyone calling him an alcoholic. He's been with me since. Kept his distance for a while but we dated. he'd show up at 2am blitzed and talking to me about how he feels he has a drinking problem. One day he texted me. He woke up from a blackout and a woman had been in his house. He panicked. He swore he was ready for rehab and asked me to move in. However the disease is too progressive and as the hours & days passed, the resolve to go faded. I did move in. I love him and I missed the chance when he was ready to go (I was working when he was ready to get help).
Since then I've been in what I call "the lair" as he is very private. He consumes about 5 nights a week, 2-3 high gravity beers and about 350ml of vodka on average. the nights consist of him passing out and me watching over him. Last night he woke up from his early binge and thought it was the next day, grabbed his keys and tried to drive in a panic thinking he was late to work. I pulled him back inside. He could hardly focus or speak but he did say he'd done that a few times...
He has blackouts frequently and has hit the instant diarrhea stage (which he's picking through his diet right now and swearing its eggs). He has trouble remembering simple things. I watch him sober walk into a room and he has to stand there and try to remember why he went in. Some nights when he's severe, he mistakes me for someone else. he has mood swings. worse when he's withdrawing. The weekends he's sober but he can hardly get out of bed. We have no sexual relationship.
The days we weren't together, he fell down the stairs and nearly broke his back. He developed Saturday night Palsy twice. He's healing from the second palsy now.
I decided that I need to go back to support groups today. He's a wonderful person. He saves lifes professionally & has a big heart. I'm waiting for the next time he decides rehab. You don't force them to go. I fear he's in the advanced stage and on the brink of a major medical crash or alcohol dementia or death.

LexieCat

Yeah, he's in a bad way.

What's all this doing to YOU?

And when you say he "saves lives" what do you mean? If he provides some kind of emergency services, he may well kill someone due to his impairment. Do his supervisors know about his impairment? Sometimes an employer can force the issue of treatment. While I don't normally advocate ratting someone out to an employer (not your business, not your job), if he is potentially risking the lives of other people due to his drinking, I would feel a moral obligation to inform the employer.

Thumper

That is a very wise choice.

It sounds like an utterly miserable way to live - for both of you.

You didn't cause the alcoholism.
You can't control the alcoholism.
You can't cure the alcoholism.

You are not responsible for him. You can't save him or give him a better life. Only he can make a better life for himself.

You can save yourself. You can make a better life for yourself.

You were not put on this earth to nurse maid and enable an alcoholic to drink himself to death. You deserve so much more, but only you can make that happen.

marie1960

How strange, the former A in my life said it was the eggs that gave him diarrhea too. I know it's not funny, but I cannot help but find humor in the ridiculous lies they tell, and think they are actually pulling the wool over our eyes. good grief. Sure hope you find comfort in your support group.

TeM

I agree. The one I hear most often is "I'm not drunk".

Happiness Fairy

Well, this was very scary to read as it hits home for me. My AH suffers from many of these symptoms also but I really thought it was food or medication or whatever he wanted to convince himself (and me) that it was. Especially the diarrhea; I always pondered why someone would have that affliction day after day after day for years when they barely even eat... There was just always an excuse. I was never really sure why he needed to share that with me anyway - TMI!

I hope there is help in sight for any addict that is living this way. It would truly be an awful, torchered existence!

firema

he does provide volunteer emergency services. He is on call a couple nights a week. He stays sober to do the calls and drinks right after. So this is the "on average" drinking. It depends.
What its doing to me..
Taking it one day at a time. I don't really know how else to handle it except to look at this as a terminal illness until he hits his own rock bottom. I'm preparing to hand him an advance directive, final wishes and make a will.
I think he thinks he's going to not wake up one day. But I have a sinking feeling he'll be a living vegetable & unable to make his own decisions by then. he has very little family, no children, no friends.
Not the best decision, definitely NOT something I'd recommend to ANYONE. And always, i distance myself with love.

firema

the diarrhea didn't start til about 4 weeks ago. And it severely drains the body. I've been buying pedialyte and he looks at it and scoffs he won't drink it. But its funny how the pedialyte keeps disappearing from the fridge.

firema

I heard that the diarrhea comes when the GI tract is overwhelmed and becoming damaged. The body can't process like it used to so it all pushes right through. Nutrition gets totally washed out along with hydration. I heard that the diarrhea stops over time during recovery and will remain chronic if they continue to drink..to the point where they can't make it to the toilet in time. I can't imagine living like that. We're going through tp like its a fashion craze and the bathroom vent seems to be running all the time now.

LexieCat

I don't think I'd want to have to depend on someone on the verge of dying from alcoholism to save my life, or my loved one's life.

My guess is that he is impaired even when not drinking. Alcoholic drinking causes severe brain damage, as well as the GI problems.

The strange thing is, that sometimes people can go on this way for years and years. I'm amazed my second husband is still alive--he almost died from drinking (kidneys and liver shut down) fifteen years ago. He went back to it, but he's still alive. (I left, couldn't take a second go-round with near-death experiences.)

firema

i agree. I have known him long enough to watch him go downhill slowly. I'm sorry about your second husband.

firema

It makes me wonder why mine shared his symptoms with me too. racing heart, shortness of breath, memory loss, stomach pain, chest pain, sweats, shakes, diarrhea. Once he called me driving himself to the er. He was sure he was having a heart attack. It was a panic attack (they said) & I'm pretty sure he didn't divulge his habit. I guess its good they communicate when they are having symptoms. Even if they're TMI. Its hard sifting through whats real & not.

Seren

Hello firema, and Welcome to SR!

I'm so glad to hear that you are reaching out for support. Lots of great information and supportive members here! His physical condition does sound as though it has reached a very serious stage.

Even though he "stays sober" while he provides emergency services for people, it is my understanding that alcohol affects the brain looooonnnng after that person takes their last drink. This is just my opinion, but I would extraodinarily alarmed if my local firefighter or EMT drink in the manner you describe.

I hope you are looking into face-to-face support meetings as well. Many of us have found them to be invaluable.

Hugs to you and this man that you love! HG

NYCDoglvr

Yea, I used to have panic attacks quite often when I drank.

Others who have posted suggest you go to Al-Anon and I certainly hope you do. You need a lot of support now, this is a very stressful situation.

firema

This was my starting point. Here. I have to hook back up with the Al-Anon. Its timing the meetings around the alcoholic & work. I have two AA friends who have been invaluable. And counseling.. every week.
God keeps me true. I talk to him every day and listen only to K-Luv.

Sylvie66

Thanks for coming ~ we hope you keep posting, and going to AlAnon. One part of your post struck me deeply: I did this! I was doing my papers, and did his too, as paperwork is more my forte, and it was quick. But no surprise - he never signed anything. He thanked me, but I don't think he even looked them over. I didn't tell him that my adult children all signed theirs.... we all do what's important enough to do, kwim? Fortunately for me, by that time I wasn't expecting him to consider end-of-life stuff.

Take care of yourself,

Sylvie

firema

Sylvie66 ~yes I'm doing mine too. I think its important.
You take care too