Confronted My Ex About Her Problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 27
Confronted My Ex About Her Problem
My ex comes from a family of alcoholics.
Background
Grandfathers on both sides were alcoholics
Mother - This is her 2nd marriage. Current alcoholic. Has to have a few drinks every night.
Father - This is his 2nd marriage. Hasn't drank for over 15 years. He's an enabler though. He drives his wife to the bar and stays with her.
2 Sisters - One drinks heavily on weekends (1/2 sister), not sure about weekdays. The other pops her husbands pain killers (full sister)
About My Ex
Early in our relationship I called her out about her drinking b/c she got drunk and smoked pot into the am. She overslept and was late arriving at my place. I was pissed and told her to stay home and that she has a drinking problem. Anyways, we made amends and she told one of her girlfriends who of course said she doesn't have a drinking problem (I think they don't want to be the bad guy).
After denial she told me later that I was right! She was drinking a lot. Since that point her drinking was NEVER an issue. We would go out on a Saturday and have 2 drinks. On sunday we wouldn't drink at all.
During the week she would have a glass of wine or 2 here and there. She's VERY honest about her past and what she does currently. She'd tell me on the phone. The entire time I was with her, my eyes were WIDE open, taking in everything.
She smokes pot everyday. Currently, she's living with her child in an apartment. She's divorced b/c she was in a abusive relationship (not physical, just him yelling and being a dick) and he was an alcoholic (shocker).
She was with the guy for 8 years but she left him once. He said her loved her and talked her back in...She realized this was another mistake on her end. Her last year with him she slept on the couch, while she saved money for a lawyer and an apartment.
She broke up with me (June 18th) and she wanted to get back together later in the week. This woke me up b/c I hate the fact she smokes pot and drinks (due to her background). I realized I would be an enabler. People only change when they want to!!!!!
She quit pot for 6 months during the divorce (didn't want to lose her kid) but she drank a lot more. She suffers from depression and takes lexapro I think. I feel the pot and booze play a big role.
I told her last weekend I can't be in a relationship with someone who has a drinking and pot problem. (Ex. She texted me 2 days later on a Tuesday at 8:59am after our breakup, talking about making a drink and heading to the pool. She had 2 drinks between the hours of 9am - 1pm.)
We barely talk now. She was upset that I point out her flaws but she's in denial as well. She's a beautiful, yet flawed creature.
Good
Got a degree from a good university
Amazing with kids
Great to her son
Extremely smart & caring
Good person, extremely strong
Getting therapy for her & her son. She admits she has issues (men) and she's working on getting better.
Bad
Comes from a family addicts
Smokes a pack of butts a day
Smokes pot daily
Boozes more when pot isn't available or when she's with her sister
I laid things on thick with her but I feel like the people closest to her tip toe around this. Her half sister worries about her (she needs to worry about herself but whatever)...
Did I go about this the right way? I NEVER yelled. I told her good qualities but I'm concerned about her drinking and pot smoking and here's why.....
Also, I told her I was always concerned that she would burn through my love!! We were together 5 months but I really learned a lot from her and LOVE her so much!!
I apologize in advance for such a long post. I would really appreciate some feedback!!
Background
Grandfathers on both sides were alcoholics
Mother - This is her 2nd marriage. Current alcoholic. Has to have a few drinks every night.
Father - This is his 2nd marriage. Hasn't drank for over 15 years. He's an enabler though. He drives his wife to the bar and stays with her.
2 Sisters - One drinks heavily on weekends (1/2 sister), not sure about weekdays. The other pops her husbands pain killers (full sister)
About My Ex
Early in our relationship I called her out about her drinking b/c she got drunk and smoked pot into the am. She overslept and was late arriving at my place. I was pissed and told her to stay home and that she has a drinking problem. Anyways, we made amends and she told one of her girlfriends who of course said she doesn't have a drinking problem (I think they don't want to be the bad guy).
After denial she told me later that I was right! She was drinking a lot. Since that point her drinking was NEVER an issue. We would go out on a Saturday and have 2 drinks. On sunday we wouldn't drink at all.
During the week she would have a glass of wine or 2 here and there. She's VERY honest about her past and what she does currently. She'd tell me on the phone. The entire time I was with her, my eyes were WIDE open, taking in everything.
She smokes pot everyday. Currently, she's living with her child in an apartment. She's divorced b/c she was in a abusive relationship (not physical, just him yelling and being a dick) and he was an alcoholic (shocker).
She was with the guy for 8 years but she left him once. He said her loved her and talked her back in...She realized this was another mistake on her end. Her last year with him she slept on the couch, while she saved money for a lawyer and an apartment.
She broke up with me (June 18th) and she wanted to get back together later in the week. This woke me up b/c I hate the fact she smokes pot and drinks (due to her background). I realized I would be an enabler. People only change when they want to!!!!!
She quit pot for 6 months during the divorce (didn't want to lose her kid) but she drank a lot more. She suffers from depression and takes lexapro I think. I feel the pot and booze play a big role.
I told her last weekend I can't be in a relationship with someone who has a drinking and pot problem. (Ex. She texted me 2 days later on a Tuesday at 8:59am after our breakup, talking about making a drink and heading to the pool. She had 2 drinks between the hours of 9am - 1pm.)
We barely talk now. She was upset that I point out her flaws but she's in denial as well. She's a beautiful, yet flawed creature.
Good
Got a degree from a good university
Amazing with kids
Great to her son
Extremely smart & caring
Good person, extremely strong
Getting therapy for her & her son. She admits she has issues (men) and she's working on getting better.
Bad
Comes from a family addicts
Smokes a pack of butts a day
Smokes pot daily
Boozes more when pot isn't available or when she's with her sister
I laid things on thick with her but I feel like the people closest to her tip toe around this. Her half sister worries about her (she needs to worry about herself but whatever)...
Did I go about this the right way? I NEVER yelled. I told her good qualities but I'm concerned about her drinking and pot smoking and here's why.....
Also, I told her I was always concerned that she would burn through my love!! We were together 5 months but I really learned a lot from her and LOVE her so much!!
I apologize in advance for such a long post. I would really appreciate some feedback!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Stevie, Welcome to SR!
Great place, this, filled with lots of people who understand exactly what you are going through.
The last bit, there, is exactly correct. Part of something we call the 3C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
She is going to have to want to get and stay sober more than anything else. I hope someday that she does, but right now it sounds as though she's not ready for that.
Perhaps step back a bit and give yourselves both a bit of breathing room for your serenity and to allow her the dignity to make her own decisions, good or bad.
Welcome, we hope you stick around!
HG
Great place, this, filled with lots of people who understand exactly what you are going through.
Originally Posted by StevieWonder 
She broke up with me (June 18th) and she wanted to get back together later in the week. This woke me up b/c I hate the fact she smokes pot and drinks (due to her background). I realized I would be an enabler. People only change when they want to!!!!!
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
She is going to have to want to get and stay sober more than anything else. I hope someday that she does, but right now it sounds as though she's not ready for that.
Perhaps step back a bit and give yourselves both a bit of breathing room for your serenity and to allow her the dignity to make her own decisions, good or bad.
Welcome, we hope you stick around!
HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by hydrogirl
Perhaps step back a bit and give yourselves both a bit of breathing room for your serenity and to allow her the dignity to make her own decisions, good or bad.
Welcome, we hope you stick around!
HG
Welcome, we hope you stick around!
HG
I told her I would ALWAYS be there for her. I'm not sure if this is good or bad things. We're still on facebook and she made me realize that I need to clean my act up!! I've been a wreck and I'm happy she did this.
She's starting to realize some things but I really hope she makes these changes.
She's meant to be a mom. She's amazing with kids and she's just wasting time!!
BTW - I met 2 of her close friends (Jenna & Mark). She's great friends with Jenna and she's the only person who can express herself to Jenna. The problem is they smoke pot once a week. I want to say something to Jenna via private message in facebook. Should I??
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
In my humble opinion, I don't think that would be a good idea. Trying to control her through her friends might just cause more hurt feelings and resentment, and isn't likely to change anything in her behavior anyway....
Believe me when I say, we ALL know how frustrating it is to see someone you love behave in such self-destructive ways. Didn't cause it can't control it, can't cure it......
Perhaps setting up some boundaries for yourself would be a good idea? Boundary statements typically begin with "I" or else you are just trying to control her. For example, "I will not talk to you on the phone, spend time with you if you are drunk/high." or "If we have agreed to meet and you are drunk/high when I show up, I will leave."
I hope things get better for.....keep reading, keep posting, learn all you can about addiction. It helps, and we are always open!
HG
Believe me when I say, we ALL know how frustrating it is to see someone you love behave in such self-destructive ways. Didn't cause it can't control it, can't cure it......
Perhaps setting up some boundaries for yourself would be a good idea? Boundary statements typically begin with "I" or else you are just trying to control her. For example, "I will not talk to you on the phone, spend time with you if you are drunk/high." or "If we have agreed to meet and you are drunk/high when I show up, I will leave."
I hope things get better for.....keep reading, keep posting, learn all you can about addiction. It helps, and we are always open!
HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by hydrogirl
In my humble opinion, I don't think that would be a good idea. Trying to control her through her friends might just cause more hurt feelings and resentment, and isn't likely to change anything in her behavior anyway....
I got so scared about the thought of her not being in my life. I'd love just to stay connected but I also know I need to move on. I told her that I would have to date other people. I don't want to string her along. Sometimes when you really love someone you have to let them go.
I'd love for our lives to be connected but I can't worry about losing her. I've been extremely honest with her. I don't regret a single second I've been with her.
Thank god no one is in my office.....waterworks in full effect...lol.
If we ever spend time together I will set boundaries but I don't think she wants me in her life at all anymore. Right now all I can do is take it day by day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
She's your ex. Let her be your ex. Bless you, but she is no longer your concern and is 100 percent responsible for her life and decisions.
With all due respect, she is no longer any of your business. Move on and don't replace her with another addict/alcoholic. You can't save them. It turns our you're mortal-- just a normal human being like the rest of us responsible for you, and you only.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
With all due respect, she is no longer any of your business. Move on and don't replace her with another addict/alcoholic. You can't save them. It turns our you're mortal-- just a normal human being like the rest of us responsible for you, and you only.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
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