vujade

ARGH! Just venting where I can. For the record...I'm doing great. Enforcing my boundaries and staying calm.

C is apparently on a bender. He called last night at 4 am and I spoke with him briefly. I said "You sound very drunk" and he said "Yeah, I guess I am."

He wanted to come to my house and I said "That's not an option. Maybe you should just stay where you are and sleep. Where are you?"

He replied "Halfway to dead." And that's the last anyone has heard from him.

His brother called me this morning and tried to explain "detachment" and "rock bottom"...uh...thanks. Then proceeded to tell me he was considering driving around town looking for him. LOL!!!!

Anyway - the truth is that I'm kind of freaking out a tad bit. I'm at work. I'm staying fairly focused. Not reaching for the phone or my keys. I'm clear on the fact that this is his choice and I cannot fix him (nor do I even want to try anymore)...but still it hurts my heart so deeply to think that his choice might be death. And that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life...because *I* choose life.

Tuffgirl

I like your thread title...so appropriate!

Hang in there...there is nothing more I can say since you already know it is his choice. Stupid choice, by his nonetheless.

Big hugs, positive thoughts for you today. Hope it turns out ok!
~T

outonalimb

(((SKW)))))

There's nothing you can do to change his choices or behavior. You know this. All the same, I know how fear can grip you when it seems they are hell-bent on destroying themselves.

My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.

Take care of YOU...and let his HP take care of HIM.

Hugs and strength...
Mary

vujade

Wow. I always appreciate everyone's input but that was pretty timely, OOL. I'm kind of freaking out right now. No one has seen him since yesterday at 10:00 am and I was the last person to hear from him at 4:20 this morning. He lives with his parents...he's not there. He's not at my place (thank goodness!) There has been no activity on his cell phone. I imagine him dead in his van out on some desolate country road. I mean, if he is, he is. But I sure wish I was oblivious to his self-destruction instead of painfully aware.

hello-kitty

So has anyone called the police and reported him missing?

vujade

HK- I have not and I haven't talked to his parents (on purpose...I love them but we get each other all riled up.) I might suggest it to his brother. I just don't know at what point the police determine they should take action on it.

m1k3

((((hugs))))

SKW just 1 question, why do you want to own this problem?

Your friend,

vujade

Thanks Mike. I don't want to own this and felt like I was finally on the path to self. Sheesh...its so easy to get slowly reeled back in. But you are right...I fell for it hook, line and sinker, didn't I?

This all started for me last night when his dad called me to say they hadn't seen him and did I know where he was. I had a great night. Slept peacefully...got up and got myself and my kids going. It wasn't until his brother called me this morning to say they knew he wasn't in the morgue or jail that the sick feeling started creeping back in. So I guess I have to go NC...with everyone.. Because the only way I can not lose sleep at night is to be happily oblivious.

LexieCat

Yeah, sometimes we're a lot better off with NO information than just a little. Maybe his family should just stick a tracking device on him--if it doesn't move for more than eight hours, they could send the police to the exact location and leave you out of it.

It's hard not to worry when you really DO care whether someone is dead or alive, even if it isn't within your power to do anything about it. Sounds like overall you are handling it well.

Tuffgirl

That is an awesome idea! I mean, we have them for children and people with dementia and people who climb mountains or snowmobile (avalanche beacons), who not a beacon for addicts? We could call it the "bad judgment beacon"!

vujade

Thanks Lexie. That is absolutely the case. Detaching doesn't mean we don't love someone and care about their well-being (although I'm still not certain what it IS...LOL). I really was very distraught at the thought of him literally being dead in a ditch somewhere. Visions of it kept running through my head. So to be honest, I was almost at the point of calling the police just so I would know that it was over. Not to go run to his side...but to know one way or the other. Kind of like Mike going to his wife's apartment and calling the paramedics. We don't wish horrible things on the people we love...we just want to not be a PART of them.

He was at my house when I got home last night. He wanted to talk but I told him I couldn't because I was going to my son's baseball game. At one point he got crappy with me and said "So...what's the topic now? What do you want to lay on me?" I shook my head and very calmly said "No topic. No agenda. I hope you have a good night" and patted his arm. Haven't seen or talked to him since. And I'm very good with that. I can't say I haven't had the thought of calling him but I have not and I will not. And I will sleep tonight.

vujade

LMAO!!!!!

The Beacon of Bad Judgment (patent pending)

Love it!!!! You could make millions!

LexieCat

Kinda like the Bat-Signal.

kittykitty

These are the closest I could come to swimming...

"no topic, no agenda, have a good night"

Short and sweet, I love it!!!! you rock

Dejavu1

I'm doing the best I can..

TeM

Well said, SKW. The way I see it, detaching is removing yourself from another person's self-destructive behavior. You can love someone and still not want them to drag you down with them.

vujade

And I love him like crazy. I do...and I'm not afraid to say that. And I don't want to get into a big discussion about "what is love" and blah, blah, blah. I love him. I love that smile that he smiles when he's sober and engaged in life. I love how funny and kind and gentle he is. I love how he sees right into me. I don't want him to die. I want him to want to live. So there. I said it and I mean it. But I also know I can't GIVE him the want. So I'll get through life one day at a time...like we all have to do...and find the right direction as it comes.

Tuffgirl

Well said, SKW. You go, girl!

Wendy1967

Oh my, so many times when my AH is on a binge I would leave the house and go stay with my kids. Predictably, he would call and he'd tell me that he thinks he's having a heart attack or "he can't live without me...so he mind as well die" and then he'd hang up. So...I've learned to just pick up the phone and let the police/ambulance deal with it...while I get a good night's sleep. (I do let them know that IF he really IS having a heart attack...or tried to commit suicide..to please let me know.)