rose68

After a really rough weekend, in which I forgot the tools taught to me in Al-anon, an arguement over his drinking insued. He started by justifying how he had been doing much better and deserved his beer on the weekend(quack)
I told him he could drink all he wanted but I wouldn't spend time with him when he did, because he is not very nice to me when he has drank a few. It is all my fault(quack) In the end he said he just needed to be alone, and didnt want to fight, that was at 2pm I left him alone the rest of the day, he did come around while my parents were here for an hour then went back to his sulking, then stormed off to bed, no goodnight or anything.

This morning a kiss before work, no contact all day and he usually text me or calls to say hi, but I knew I was getting the cold shoulder(as punishment for it being my fault). I went to my Al-anon meeting and spent the day with DS and friend, enjoying life. He text telling me he was on his way home. I said be careful. After he got home and restocked the fridge with beer. I was reading and he came out and I told him that since he had some things to work out with himself that I was going to start planning things to do with my sons and family and friends, so he could have his space he ask for.

I told him that I didn't want to go on our annual vacation(for him another good reason to drink all day everyday.)since we were having a hard time just being around each other. I told him I think we are in just two different places in our life I like to be around people I can carry on a conversation with, I like being with people I respect and who respect me, I like people who dont condemn me for having a opinion which is different than theirs, I like people who have a sense of humor and enjoy life. And I like to be around people that occasionally like a drink but don't live their life for their next one. But he was welcome to enjoy his time however he saw fit, it is after all his life.

Well now he is even more pi$$ed than he was, because I told him I would back off about his drinking and leave him alone. He stomped around for about 30 min and went to bed. Are they never happy?

dollydo

I'll keep it brief....No, they are never happy!

Freedom1990

No, they are never happy.

Good for you on standing up for yourself, and for the things you want in your life!

marie1960

IN the end that was what I truly was missing, A's ability to carry on a conversation. Lots of ranting and raving about things of zero importance. Often I thought he was hallucinating. So many times i just wanted to scream, "If you want to know why you have all these issues, just look in the mirror", but i listened for a glimmer of normal, none to be found, too far gone........

He would come by after work say around midnight and complain about all the "drunk, loud, mouthy,losers" that he served on that evening. The irony of it his shift would end about 7 p.m. and he would belly up to the bar and proceed to turn into what he would come rant to me about. ( He is a bartender). I just don't get it. He is out of my life now.

I think going on a vacation without your AH is a beautiful idea. Certainly hope it becomes a reality for you. Vacation is supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable. And if he is pissed off so be it, he choose that for himself. All my best to you, may you find peace.

Alone22

Hi Rose,

Good for you! You made choices and put up some boundaries so you can enjoy life. Of course it makes him mad, you are changing his world and letting him be alone with his beer. What he wants is for you to just let him have it all no matter how miserable it makes you. They lose the ability to be rational and having to think about things can be a daunting task, especially while intoxicated.

Best thing I did so far was to tell my RAH (then an AH) he was not invited to join me and our kids on Mother's Day. I did not trust him not to ruin my day. The kids and I had a fun day and he got time to feel the consequences to his behavior. He said he stopped drinking that day. Before Al-anon I would have never put me first, I would have been fearful of him getting upset, and I would have had a crappy Mother's Day.

rose68

@marie, the conversation is what I miss too, when we first got together 14 years ago we talked all the time about everything, now days it is like pulling teeth to get him to have a talk with me at all and I do most of the talking. I am lucky if he strings 2 words together to answer me, just don't seem to care about anything. Cant even talk about current events in life.

And last night the more civil I was the more he seemed angry. We have worked together for several years till I took a break due to health issues then stayed out because he didn't seem to want me back at work with him, My friends say that is so he can play the victim card at work and get sympathy. "poor me, my wife is such a bit*h, she nags me all the time" As long as I worked with him the people knew me as a fun loving easy going person so he couldnt pull off that line, now he can. He thinks of himself as Mr. Perfect. Ha

ConfusedGirl

Hi. Thank you all for sharing. It helps me. I am new here.
This is the 1st thread that caught my attention because my alcoholic boyfriend (living together for 9 yrs) never seems happy or pleased. Ofcourse he makes me feel like it's because of me. How could that be? I don't argue at him. I just tell him how I feel. I know not to do it when he's drinking. I wait til he's sober. Maybe manipulation? But even sober he makes it seem like I'm being argumentative. It's that I'm challenging him I guess? He turns anything into an argument. -

I think it's his excuse to drink...that he's stressed out from work...& me...when I haven't even done anything but be a good girlfriend. The smallest thing "pisses him off" sometimes and I think it's to have his "excuse" afterwards to buy a beer or a 6 pack to bring home. I think it's also to kinda push me away because he wants to drink. By acting mad at me & he knows if he makes me mad I won't want to talk to him, therefore, I think in his mind...when I see that he went to buy beer, I won't "talk to him about it". But I have read recently about Alanon and prior to that had already come to the conclusion to ignore him about it. I have already told him I won't be around him when he drinks because he gets mean and with an attitude. Has anyone experienced the above? It might seem like dumb question, but just to here that others have experienced the same behavior helps me realize it's the alcohol & the disease.

I guess I should go to an Alanon meetings. I've never gone. I have been dealing with this on and off most of our relationship. He went to 2 AA meetings 6 months apart because "he didn't need it", "can do it on his own" after telling me he did feel he had a problem & that he knew it could affect our relationship. Now he won't even hear it. I try to remind him of all the negative effects on his health (liver), even that I read on the internet that it kills brain cells & could possibly change a person's personality when sober. He acts like I'm over-reacting & that he works hard all week & "deserves" a few beers if he wants. As if it's some sort of reward. I guess for him it is. I can see it steadily increasing in frequency in his drinking & he won't listen. He just started this job & I guess his self confidence is back....he acts sooo tired at the end of the day & that he "needs" a beer...which turns into 2 or 3 sometimes & ONE beer makes him prone to jerk behavior....like there's some chemical switch in his brain to become a jerk and irrational. God I wish he could see it.

I've alreayd talked to him about it but I guess like they say in Alanon...let him destroy himself...I've already communicated my feelings. No need to be a broken record...but I don't know how long I can stand the "UNHAPPY" ATTITUDE - which is his excuse to drink I think. He was happy about getting this job. He likes it..so I told him, "I thought you'd be happier now"...I realize that maybe he slowed down the drinking before for a bit because he didn't have his own money to buy it. Now that he does I guess he feels I HAVE NO RIGHT to say what I think & I HAVE NO RIGHT for it to bother me....even tho I've told him how it makes him mean toward me...& he's got to realize it at least somewhat. I think he wants to keep drinking so much, he won't admit it b/c then he knows the next thing out of my mouth will be..."ok, then how about going to AA?"

And after reading posts about dealing with newly recovering people.... I don't know if I want to deal with it. So it's like I either deal with this now...his negative behavior to drink...or deal with his recovery....negative behavior too....from what I've read.

rose68

ConfusedGirl, it seems like we might be living with twins, lol. It is strange how alike they can be, as I read your post I realized I could of been reading one by me a couple of weeks ago, I did find my way to Al-anon and it was hard to make it through the door but once I did it was so wonderful. I have a new set of friends who know exactly where I am coming from and offer me love and support in my recovery.

This past weekend as I stated I had a relapse and forgot to use my tools and got dragged into an arguement about "he has been a good boy and he deserved to be able to drink more on weekends because he works so hard all week" I know it is just a matter of time till he deserves to drink more because it is a day ending in Y, and I don't care that is him, I am going to start enjoying the life God has blessed me with. I didn't cause it I can't control it, and I cant cure it. So he can deal with himself while he drinks.

stupida

Hi, Id just like to say thank you to you all, reading these threads has made me feel im not alone and there are people that understand how im feeling and how life on an everyday basis is. I think i will try to find an al anon in my area it may stop me from feeling so isolated, It sounds like we are all living with clones!! its weird how similar things are.
Im trying to find courage to make him go, i told him this morning i cant take anymore, he sulks gets angry and then ignores what i ve said. he just called and sounds like hes had a drink, so heres to another night of stress, if im quiet im wrong if i answer im wrong if i stay in same room im wrong etc. the crazy thing is im a health care professional i know all the blurb, its different when you are living it tho!!

PaperDolls

When I was drinking I was rarely happy and if I was it was only in short little spurts.

Good luck to you!! Alanon sounds like a great plan.

wanttobehealthy

No they are never happy and the quacking about "I'm working so hard, I deserve" shows that they are stuck in the mind set of a 2 yr old. I know a lot of folks say this is reflective of teen behavior but I teach teens and most don't have this mentality. And I have a 5 and a 3 yr old and they don't act this way either so I am going with age 2.

Glad you are setting limits about what you will and won't do with him while he is actively drinking and actively avoiding dealing with life of life's terms.

rose68

wanttobehealthy, I agree with the 2yo analogy, I babysat my twin neices when they were going through their terrible twos and that is what he reminds me of a lot of the times, right down to the stomping and slamming doors when he feels like he don't get his way, I want to say "hey you are a grown man act like it" They are pathetic at times.

kittykitty

I'm glad you are not subjecting yourself to a family vacation. I am in no way 'taking his side', or making excuses for why he is as *** to you, but this is what I got out of your original post:

All the stuff in bold, doesn't look like you are backing off about his drinking and leaving him alone.

I myself would be pissed if someone told me that basically they can't carry on a conversation with me, i'm condemning, they don't respect me, that I'm disrespectful, have no sense of humor and don't enjoy life, and that I live to drink. It looks to me like you basically torn him a new one, but did it in a passive aggressive way.

When I start feeling the need to explain my actions yet again to the A, I realize that I am still trying to make a point that will never be taken. Now I keep my responses, as well as descriptions of my boundaries, short and sweet, no explanation necessary.

And no, they are never happy. That's one of the reasons they drink. They don't need me to remind them how miserable they are by listing their shortcomings for them.

Just puttin it out there...

rose68

kitty, no offense taken, I am new to this and I am sure it is passive aggresive, I had took just about all the verbal abuse I could stomach for a lifetime and let all of it out. I have been married twice before and have just realized I have made a pattern of changing to be what ever they ask me to be with no reguard to my ownself(my fault not theirs). I have had him and his friends dismiss anything that comes out of my mouth just because I am a female. And been blamed for whatever is wrong in his day, year or life in general. So I need to practice detaching with love a little better.lol

vujade

((((rose68))) It is frustrating that they are never happy. Its sad when it seems that they don't want to be. The great thing is that we get to decide when we are ready for our own happiness.

kittykitty

Well, in that case, screw him then! Haha

That definitely puts things in a different perspective.

Like I said, i've done it too many times, and I get where you're coming from. Sometimes we just can't 'not say anything' any longer. My rants usually involve expletives and heavy sarcasm, so you haven't hit the "passive aggressive" bottom like I have. Just wanted to see if you caught it or not.

I need to work on the "with love' part of detaching. For the most part, that's why I'm so short with boundaries and explanations...if I keep my mouth open too long, who knows what will come out!

Keep doin what yer doin!!!

StarCat

In my case, my XABF was also verbally abusive.
I started to notice that part of his pattern was to continue to verbally abuse me to the point that I exploded (typically shouting a small sampling of the words he used on me back at him), then he'd use that against me to say that of course he drinks because look at how I abuse him.

Sick, isn't it?
He felt the need to abuse me to my breaking point so that I'd do something so that he could justify his bad actions to himself.
And the better I got at detaching from that, the worse the abuse got, because he just had to get a reaction so he could blame his bad behavior on me.
It was a vicious cycle, the healthier I got, the harder it became to stay healthy because the more he abused me to get the same reactions he used to get.

Be careful.

PaperDolls

You know, I was thinking.

I don't think I was ever truly happy until I got sober and worked the steps. For so many years, that's all I wanted. To be happy.

It's nice to finally know what that really is.

Tuffgirl

Thanks PaperDolls. My RAH is beginning to say similar things...as well as how much he externalized his happiness based on people, places, and things. And when those things didn't work, he got angry. And stayed that way. For a good chunk of his life.

AA uses the term "self will run riot". I like that term...it reminds me to think about my anger instead of running with it all the time. Often, its related to something, somewhere, not going the way I want it to go.

Active addicts can't be happy. Addiction doesn't work that way. It feeds off the anger and self-pity.