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losing my family

Old 06-27-2011, 03:58 PM
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losing my family

I know I am not better than anyone else but the fact that I am losing my family and that my alcoholic husband has chosen to push me away now that he is in early recovery is really killing me. Now I have to share my 3 year old daughter. I didn't choose this. Why do I ever have to be without her? I will share because I wouldn't use her, but I hate him for doing this to me and our family. He just gets off so easy...running away while I am left to deal alone, and devastated, humiliated. He has taken so much of me and I have let him. I have this feeling in my gut and I am sick to my stomach. Why can he just do this to all of us with no consequences. He said in his early recovery he is realizing he never wanted to be married or have kids with me? My whole life was a lie? I really feel like I am hollow inside.
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:02 PM
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Hugs to you, i'm sorry you are going through all of this. God has a plan, and he's not telling, but I'm willing to bet that things will get better for you.

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Old 06-27-2011, 04:03 PM
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Hugs to you. I have no words to make it better, but I will be praying for you and your little one.
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:34 PM
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(((((hug))))) be kind to yourself. I agree with kitty, better things are coming your way.
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:42 PM
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As you said, he is in early recovery. Now it is time for you to recover from all this hurt. Easy said hey? Its a hard road when all you have done is support someone and now you feel like youve been beaten around the head.
As easy as this sounds, try focussing on the positives and try not focussing on the negatives of your husband. When I put all my negative energy into bad thoughts, all it does is make me feel worse. I can ask why but there is no use in me trying analyse things I cant control or understand. I guess you need some kind of closure, so turn the page hun.
A new chapter in your life, with a beautiful daughter that you can focus on, you are young with a great life ahead of you. Its pretty damn scary to be on your own, I know, ive been there, it will get better, so keep posting all your thoughts, we understand.
JJ
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:49 PM
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(((((hugs))))) Hope things get straightened out quickly, and I hope you have the ability to hire a good lawyer if it comes to it for your daughter. I lost custody of my son when he was 2 1/2, and before that I spent all day, every day with him. That was three years ago and I still am not at all used to this. Now he's with the person my ex cheated on me with all day every day, and every time he comes to visit he complains that no one ever plays with him (ex and his SO are both morbidly obese, they bought him a Wii so they "wouldn't have to let him play outside so much"). I wasn't able to afford a lawyer for the temporary hearing, and after that it was their lies about me, my dad and his side of the family siding with the ex, and the fact that my ex lives in the house my son was already used to. Praying for you in this very trying time.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:23 PM
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I know it seems he has no consequences now, but he will at some point. Every single thing we do has a consequence, whether it be positive or negative.

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now, I truly am.
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:57 PM
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sweetteewalls, I hope you are doing better today and I hope you were able to make it to the Al-Anon meeting that you mentioned in your other post? if so I pray that it helped you.
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Old 06-28-2011, 12:36 AM
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So it was a long day...busy with work, then one friend I have kidnapped me and she took me on a hike so I could get some excercise and fresh air, just out of my sad house! Then alanon meeting. Its hard. I broke down crying. I couldn't even speak. I was talking about how yesterday I took my 3 year old to the beach who LOVES her Daddy...she is the biggest daddys girl ever and she didn't even smile but twice yesterday cuz she misses him. Normally she is all smiles. I feel so resentful that he caused this sadness on our baby girl.

Then toni
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Old 06-28-2011, 06:56 AM
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I gave my everything to this relationship and my RAH just continues to take. I'm willing to work with him on custody and no matter what I do, he always fights me. Part of me just says just let him take me to court because this emotional roller coaster is too much. I am in pain over his choice to end the relationship and he's continuing to think he can tell me what to do, etc...I feel like he keeps "taking" from me even now. Wouldn't you think he'd appreciate my willingness to work with him but instead he says I think I'm God by making a schedule...but I'm trying to get his wants/needs so I can come up with something that works.
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Old 06-28-2011, 07:33 AM
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(((Hugs))) to you, and your daughter.

Is it fair, no.

But, it is happening. Please try to just take each event, each day as it unravels. Thinking too far in the past, or projecting too far into the present clouds our thinking and keeps us stuck.

Also..for me, I try to think of five things every evening that I am grateful for. Sometimes these are wonderful things that have happened along my journey of recovery, sometimes they are very simple.

For instance, my children are healthy. I am healthy, I am alive today, I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat...sounds rather simple, but, I have to shift my thinking to keep myself from getting too resentful.

It is natural to feel anger, etc. as you go thru the grief process of losing "what was"...but, don't forget to focus on "what is still to come".
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Old 06-28-2011, 07:47 AM
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SW,

I'm sorry you are going through this. Is there a third party who can help you navigate this mess? It sounds like you are struggling to do the right thing and finding it hard to see the trees for the forest due to the emotions involved. Do you have a sponsor or could you find a counselor to help you clarify the choices you face?
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Old 06-28-2011, 08:03 AM
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Yes I have been seeing a therapist and she doesn't really weigh in on custody she just states that we have to do what's best for our daughter and try to workout a schedule. His sister is willing to come here and faciliate drop off and pick up for me but not get involved in the when and what day, etc...I just don't get it! Why does he feel like he can just drop kick me and then on top of it be a jerk with regard to our daughter. He threatened me he's taking me to court and thrown every bad thing in my face. One time when I was low when we were separated I said I felt like I didn't have the will to live and he said he would tell the court I am suicidal. He's so angry and threatening and yet, he is the one who chose this! I do feel like I'm going insane...
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Old 06-28-2011, 08:17 AM
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Early recovery is a messy, emotional time. Is he in AA or working another program?

I had a long talk with my RAH over the weekend. We've been considering divorce. But one thing that keeps us from just filing those papers is the advice we both get from old-timers to not do anything drastic in the first year of recovery. Let at least that first entire year go by before deciding drastic life changes, including divorce. We live separately right now, thank goodness. Because its been just as much of an emotional roller-coaster as it was when he was actively drinking.

So what else are you doing with your life? Anything new you can try to step outside of this situation for a bit? A new activity, an interest you've wanted to do but never tried? Sometimes we have to force our heads to stop obsessing by distracting ourselves with other activities....

Hang in there. IMHO, it gets worse before it gets better! But it does get better...
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Old 06-28-2011, 08:22 AM
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You RAH may not be drinking, but he sure isn't in recovery either, or he could just be a big fat heartless jerk to his core. Get mad! What he is doing is pure crap. There is no reason for a mature adult to act this way. He needs to pull his head out, or jump off his high horse and do what is best for your daughter. She has to be feeling the effects of all this and if he loves her he would calm down and start thinking straight. I would limit your interaction with him. Keep it simple when you have to. Only discuss his visitation with her at this point. You may need to get an attorney at this point to help you get things worked out.


Meanwhile focus on you and what you need in your life. Keep busy and distract yourself from all of this as much as possible. I find it helpful to read Al-non recovery books to regain my focus and get my mind in a better place.
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:11 PM
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He already took it to court this morning and now we have mediation in August. I can't believe he is doing this within days of moving out. I cannot take it. I am not this strong. All he wants to do is control me. I guess I am in for the ride of my life. After everything I've done to stand by him, he's throwing daggers now. I can't stand this physical ache I feel inside.
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Old 06-28-2011, 01:33 PM
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You can take it. You are that strong.

You have your daughter to think of.

This is happening, please seek some legal counsel, call your Al-Anon sponsor and surround yourself with face to face support.
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Old 06-28-2011, 02:03 PM
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The only way he can walk all over you is if you are lying down. Stand up, get focused , and take control of your life, stop giving him all the power.

I can see you are hurting, it will hurt less if you make good smart choices for you and your daughter. When it comes to visitation arrangements keep it simple, yes a schedule would be best, but nothing in life is etched in stone, so we have to learn to adapt. You can't let these things get the best of you.

When your child is visiting her dad take that time for you and go do something that you normally could not do with a child in tote. Even something so simple as going to the grocery store without a little one can be so less stressful. I like to just people watch sometime. Keep yourself occupied, take that bubble bath and just relax, read, walk, catch up on the news, visit with friends. Try not to look at it as a punishment, embrace your alone time. It really is going to be alright, it's all in how you perceive things. All my best to you

Last edited by marie1960; 06-28-2011 at 02:07 PM. Reason: added thought
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Old 06-28-2011, 02:07 PM
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P.S. I used to internalize, and spent so much time thinking about things that I really had no power over, finally figured out I was wasting my time, now I have extra time to do things i really enjoy
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Old 06-28-2011, 04:16 PM
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I have no problem even sharing my daughter but he's treating me awfully along the way. He went straight to mediation and didn't even try to compromise with me. Id say 1 he'd say 2. Id come up with one thing he'd say another. I will go to Alanon again tonight...just a struggle!
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