dollydo

You are strong enough, you have no choice, you must be, for your daughter.

If you do not have one, it is time to get an attorney. He has everything all planned out, you have to get yourself together, there is no other option, in order to protect you and your daughter, you must think on your feet.

I am sorry for your pain, however, as difficult as it is, you must try and put your emotions aside in order to move forward on a rational basis.

You can and will do this.

marie1960

The one thing I learned about divorce: For example: When you are fighting about who gets the coffee table, I can assure you it doesn't have a damn thing to do with the coffee table.

duqld1717

I was just going to say this as I read it. He will get his Karma. Every action has a reaction or reap what you sow. You can't go around having no consideration for other people and then expect people to respect you and have good things happen to you. One day it will all make sense. Everything happens for a reason, you just have to have some faith

LexieCat

Look at the mediation as a possible blessing. It is less stressful (and expensive) than going to court, and if you are having trouble communicating, it can be less stressful than trying to personally negotiate a compromise.

I agree that if he has an attorney, you should, too. If he doesn't, then it is really up to you. A lawyer can be good, though, if only to minimize the personal contact you have to have with each other during this process.

Try not to flip out too much over this. Just look at it as a step in the process, and take it a step at a time. It doesn't have to be a disaster.

Hugs,

sweetteewalls

Thanks everyone. I am just laying down with our baby girl to bed right now. She misses him a lot, she says it but it kills me! I just say "I know, you'll see him soon.". Of course there are so many more elements to my story but bottom line is he's gone and I just need to accept it. Going from someone being your love and husband to someone ur on the defense with constantly is the most difficult transition. He's s o angry which I don't understand because he walked away and chose this, not me. He should be kind but instead abandoning me/us and being so angry all the while. I try to make concessions for him because he is ill but this is too much!

theuncertainty

Oh, Sweetteewalls. I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through.

I agree. This is too much to lay at the feet of alcohol. Sweettee, one makes concessions like "he's tired from chemo, so I'll take care of this month's bills" or "he can't have sugar, so I'll not make cookies for him" or "he needs to go to dialysis today, so I'll arrange for a babysitter for the little one so I can drive him" or "he has the flu, so I'll make dinner" for illnesses. Not "he's an alcoholic, so it's OK that he treats our family like it doesn't matter."

I say this coming out of a marriage where I did accept our family being treated as runner up to the bottle routinely. Even after I left him, I made excuses for his behavior. I chalked it up to the alcohol. But, as a wise SR member says: Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.

It doesn't matter why they do it - they do it. Others (SR members and IRL) will say that it's not personal: he's not doing it to you, he's just doing it. Sometimes I believe that. Sometimes I feel it's a load of cr-p. Because darn it, it's happening to me, can't get much more personal than that. *sigh* Even right now, I go back and forth on which I believe. And I think that's OK; it's where I'm at right now.

Sweettee, as much as I hated it when others told me this: God, or your HP, however you call him/her/it, never gives you more than you can handle. You have the strength to deal with this. It may take a bit for you to find it, but you have it. (Remember that your strength doesn't necessarily come from just yourself, but also from your friends, your family, SR, and others who want help you through this and who are part of your support system. Ask for help when you need it.)

Big bear hugs. Wishing you peace and continued strength.

dollydo

"I try to make concessions for him because he is ill but this is too much!"

He chooses to be "ill", his disease can be controlled. Forget the concessions, protect yourself, he is done with the relationship, this is not a spur of the moment decision.

I am very sorry that you are in pain, however, you must take care of yourself. Your child needs you more today, than ever.

sweetteewalls

I am so thankful for everyone on here. Today he came and said he doesn't want to go to court anymore and we can work out a schedule, which we did. Then, he proceeded to ask me to borrow $50 to help him fix his car. He said if I didn't believe him, I could go with him to the auto parts store and buy it personally. After all the verbal and mental anguish he put me through the past few days he had the audacity to ask me for $50? Does he really have no idea how crazy that is? Well I made arrangements with a friend to be here upon drop off and pick up of his visitation so I don't have to interact. Hopefully that will minimize contact. My baby girl is always asking for him, 3 is a hard age because she's old enough to notice and verbalize things. She's the only thing keeping me strong. I am trying to fill my days and nights with appointments, dinners, meetings, and plans so I won't think of him. My RAH was molesteed and abused as a child and both his parents and both siblings are addicts so I would always feel bad for him but I'm so sick of making excuses. What happened to him was awful but there is no excuse for him to take my life for granted. I don't like "hate" but I feel lothsome right now...resentful. How dare he play with me in this manner. I am so angry and don't want to become bitter.

theuncertainty

IMO, just like alcohol doesn't make some one abusive, abuse doesn't make one an alcoholic. Please don't beat yourself up about no longer making excuses for him.

Please also remember to take care of yourself. If for no other reason than your DD needs you. Hugs.

sweetteewalls

He just left here, having come and spent a few hours with our daughter before I go out of town for the holiday weekend. He sent me an email this morning say how hard this is for him, etc...then he comes here and acts like he never sent that an email and treats me so cold. Really its like multiple personalities. He really drives me crazy. I need to break this cycle and I am so tired of this pain.

transformyself

Hey Girl, I'm so glad you're here. There are bunches of us who have been through what you're going through right now. And we're pretty freaking happy in our lives now!
If you really mean this, if you are serious about breaking this cycle, there are steps you can take to start taking back your life.

Here is a link to one of my favorite website, Surviving Infidelity. Your man is behaving just like mine did when he was having an affair. Just ignore the affair references and follow the great advice about how to minimize contact and maximize your sanity.

While this may seem like a game, trust me, these "tricks," absolutely saved my life and prepped me for a life long relationship with Al anon. They helped me rethink my priorities and create more healthy boundaries. You will still need time to grieve, but when I took myself out of the victim role, and started working to make my life as wonderful as it could be, everything changed.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

sweetteewalls

Thank you Tranformyself, that is just what I needed. No contact. Its not like if we did have contact I believe a word out of his mouth anyway. I just get weak when it comes to our daughter. She misses him, wants to see him, etc...but I have to be strong and remember I am showing her what she should and shouldn't accept in a partner. I hate it because I do know early recovery is a hard time for him as well and I don't want to ignore that he is doing the work but I am not going to be treated like this anymore! I just called my old sitter to see if her house could serve as a drop off and pick up spot. I cannot handle him coming here...He really makes me feel like I'm crazy!

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, what a devastating thing to hear. I'm a recovering alcoholic with many years under my belt and I can tell you that getting sober is terrifying to go through. If he stays sober and becomes more balanced he will probably talk very differently. If it helps, it's the disease talking.

Welcome .... I hope you join us in healing the damage that was done.

sweetteewalls

Thank you NYCDoglvr. Its actually nice to hear from someone that has been successfullt sober. I know he has a disease and I've tried hard to support him but he keeps blaming me for everything and pushing me away and it just really hurts. I recognize that I need to just heal myself right now and not worry about what he is or isn't doing. I just wish there was a healthy way for us to go through the recovery but I know this is a challenging time. I'm just letting go...and letting God. Not gonna obsess, just try and get through the days and care for our daughter the best way I can. In my heart I admit I'm hoping for a happy ending but I'm sure that will go away the more confidence I gain in myself.

sweetteewalls

Going to bed alone again. This is the hardest time. I wonder if he will every fully comprehend the damage he has done to me and our family. It is literally like he is dead to me because the man I fell in love with does not exist anymore. My heart aches now and I'm sure each day will get easier. I'm scared to live without him. He and our love were the center of this family and now I am not significant. Its hard to go from to dog to nothing at all all the while watching my daughter ask for him and subtly drop hints she wants to see him, etc...My heart is fully breaking right now and I just want to embrace it and feel it so that I can move on.