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setting a large boundary

Old 06-26-2011, 09:40 PM
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setting a large boundary

i think i have come to a big / massive decision in my life and the life of my 3 boys.

I just wanted to know if was maybe going to far or to hard to soon.

I do not want to have an alcoholic in my life and i do not want my boys to have an alcoholic in their life either.

i am wanting to put this to AW tonight followed by simply i don;t want her to tell me what she think or wants from this decision i want her to show me.

I'm not sure how this will go down but I'm over being kept up till 3 am on the fortnightly weekends i get to see my boys so in the morning when i get up to them i am tired and grumpy and not much fun. they deserver better, they deserver to have a happy loving home, i know that at the moment they don't have to walk on egg shells but i also know that i act as if they do have to.
and its not fair on them
they should be allowed to be happy noisy kids, and not restricted to laying quietly in the morning because she is asleep.

they deserver to be able to go out and do fun things with the whole family and not just me and them,

they deserve to have someone in their life that wants them in theirs, not wavering between wanting no part and wanting it all.

I think I have had enough and want more for my boys. as well as wanting more for myself.

------------------------------------------------
when anything can change everything and she doesn't want to change, then i must change for me.
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:10 PM
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You & The Boys, certainly deserve more in life.....

It's a shame, that they lose out, on the most precious things in life
"FAMILY"

You sound like you are ready to live life again...That's nice to hear!

Thanks for sharing....
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Old 06-27-2011, 03:58 AM
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Yes, you are right, your children deserve so much better.

Sounds like you have figured out what is best for you and them.

We are here for you.
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:01 AM
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You seem to clearly know what you want/need to do. That's good! The children deserve so much better, that is the hardest part for me too. They are lucky to have a parent who is really concerned for them and it working in their best interest.
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:45 AM
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Good for you. It's such a difficult decision and an even harder one to push through, but you can do this.
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:50 AM
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Sharkbait, something jumped out at me in your post.

i am wanting to put this to AW tonight followed by simply i don;t want her to tell me what she think or wants from this decision i want her to show me.
To me this sounds more like a demand than a boundary. If you really mean boundary it could be worded something like "the boys and I don't enjoy being around you when you are drinking and we are not going to subject ourselves to that anymore."

It simply states what you find acceptable and what you are going to do about it, it's not about her.

Also, what is your plan B in case she decides not to respect your boundaries? Plan Bs are a good thing because you thought it out before the chaos rather than trying to decide in the middle of the chaos.

Good luck with making this step.

Your friend,
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:09 AM
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I agree you and your boys deserve better. I like what Mike said too. Set a boundary and have a plan in place on what happens when it is crossed. Are you ready for it to be crossed? Are you ready to move to plan B once it is? Otherwise she will not understand the boundary and how important it is for you and your boys.
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:57 AM
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One of the hardest things for me to sort out is boundaries, especially when it comes to dealing with alcoholics.

I've learned recently that the only way to figure that out is to make the determination within myself.

My boundaries have to be determined by me. I used to take a hell of a lot of crap before i would understand, set and hold my boundary.

yes, we ask for opinions, and yes we often wonder if we're doing the right thing.

this is a great link from the stickies above too
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
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Old 06-27-2011, 03:10 PM
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It sounds like you have reached a point where you are ready for some changes in the quality of life for yourself and your kiddos. Good for you! It's a real milestone in recovery.

A healthy boundary is a very useful tool. However, so is a hammer but not if you are trying to use it to saw a log in half. LOL!!! It is a hard thing to accept that most active alcoholics will not respect boundaries. It takes a rational, healthy human being to do that. A large part of my recovery has been recognizing that I have definite boundary issues. My first hurdle was that I didn't clearly understand what a boundary was...that it wasn't something I imposed on other people but rather on myself.

There is some great reading here about setting boundaries. It really helped me better understand what I was facing inside myself. Here's a great one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:23 PM
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well.

I set the boundary the other night and I made sure i set it as a boundary.
all I said was "I have made a decision, I do not want an alcoholic in the boys life"

I did not say anything about how i wanted her to act or what I wanted her to do.

all I said was the above.
the next day she wanted me to leave my phone at home so she could call to book into a sober house (Detox).

I wasnt expecting it to happen. it hasn't before so why should it now.
But it did happen she is booked in for roughly 3 weeks time to go into detox for a week.

I'm not sure what to be thinking yet.
I am happy that she has made the move but not wanting to get my hopes up yet.

She did make one comment about it.
the nail in the coffin as she said was me saying I'm not having an alcoholic in the boys life.
She said that she doesn't want to loose me over something so stupid as booze.

Time will tell how things go. fingers crossed she does it and stays sober.

She is also going to total no drinking not controlled drinking so.
time will tell.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:31 PM
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There's a difference between a sober house and detox. Detox should be medically supervised.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:34 PM
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over here its detox.
Medically supervised, don't get admitted properly until BAC is 0.00 and then stay there for a week no visitation. nurses and doctors visits constantly etc etc
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Old 07-04-2011, 09:12 AM
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Good for you! Fingers crossed this works long term. Keep focusing on you in the meantime...try as best you can to let her figure out sobriety by herself...it is more meaningful that way (or so I am told over and over again!)

~T
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