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Old 06-26-2011, 08:55 PM
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on another note

Just had a quick question i wanted to ask people.

In relation to the question of what do you say when you get falsely accused of having an affair.

what do you say when your AP wants physical intimacy and you don't want to for what ever reason.

I have found that no matter what i say or do if i don't give in then i don't love her.

because she has NEVER turned me down, quack,
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:59 PM
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No is a complete sentence. You don't have to give a reason. They are going to think whatever they want anyway, just like the affair accusations. I have better things to do than try to convince someone of something they will never believe anyway.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:03 AM
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Don't bother trying to give a reason. There is no reasoning with an alcoholic. Just stand firm.
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Old 06-27-2011, 07:47 AM
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Just plain "no", and it's been nearly a year now(yay celibacy!) Yes, he gets angry about it, but refuses to change the reason for it(ie:the drinking, although oddly enough, he's been dry now for 8 days, no recovery that I can tell, but dry)so on it goes.
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Old 06-27-2011, 09:44 AM
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I have never justified myself to anyone as much as I did to my alcoholic husband. Now that I recognize that as part of the pattern of alcoholic behavior...I quit doing it. I don't owe him a justification for my choices. I am an adult and I can make up my own mind, thank you very much. No is a complete sentence, indeed.

She is baiting you into an argument about sex, and trying to guilt you into doing whatever it is she wants you to do. Just say no, and walk away. Don't engage, don't justify, you are in control of you and your desires, not her. And you don't owe her a justification...plus she won't believe what you have to say anyway as she has already decided why you do what you do and how you think, so it would be futile to try to defend your feelings.
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:04 AM
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I haven't been sexually attracted to AW for several years now, but I went through the motions just to keep the peace. A year or so ago, my body solved the problem for me. Without getting too graphic, let's just say that my aging body would no longer do what my brain didn't want to.

She was shocked at first, even suggested I go see a doctor. Eventually, she stopped badgering me about it, and no longer comes crawling into my bed, stinking of booze.

She hasn't accused me of having an affair, at least not yet. It may be coming, since she spends her days in a fantasy world of Dr. Oz, Oprah and Dr. Phil, where every couple should be sexually active until their 90s.

I can relate, though. I've been accused by AW and my daughter of "not loving her" enough. I suppose it's all part of the denial.
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:11 AM
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Several months before we separated and ultimately divorced, I calmly announced one night that until we got things figured out (ie, he succeeded in getting sober and we fixed our marriage) there would henceforth be a moratorium on sex. ie: I wasn't interested, so don't bother asking.

While pulling a page from the UN playbook might seem odd, I figured I'd just deal with him like North Korea and declare sanctions. It worked for me, but he was never violent and was mostly a passive object that didn't really do anything. At all. Well, drink and vomit, but not much else. I also had a great deal of power in the relationship, unlike most, and he never pulled the affair card. (I didn't, and neither did he.) I figure his "other woman" was the booze.

Good luck.
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