TakingCharge999

Hi!! I am writing to you from Bangkok, LONG trip but am happy to finally be here.

I have been around less than 24 hours are there's already drama.. need your perspectives...

So, my nephew is 3 weeks old.. he is healthy and mom is healthy too.

Today I carried him in my arms for a while.. it was great...

Then my mom left the room while I did that..

Afterwards I go see her and she was crying and told me, she has been here before he was even born, has been helping around the house, etc etc and neither the husband nor my sister will let my mom carry the baby!! that she patted him a little and my sister told her "not to do that"... now, I don't know if she has specifically asked for permission to carry him (as I did)... but it seems she has not been allowed to be very close to him!

My mom was going "oh but the husband's mom came and she was able to carry him..." and she told my sister she won't be visiting her very often in the future (needs to build her own life) ... which sounds a LOT like my dad and I when I think "I will NEVER visit him again!" out of anger/need of revenge...


Do I need to do anything? or is it a problem between both of them? it hurts to see my mom so sad about this. And my sister asked her to extend her visit.

My sister also told me my mom was passive-agressive -I believe she is.

But my sister is also behaving like a passive-agressive - asking her to stay here but not letting her have her moment with her first grand kid.

And my mom has no illnesses or something. I don't get it. Their relation has been strained, I got more things in common with my mom... but this? my mom is heartbroken..

I am thinking about my sister when she was a baby and my mom was still working when she had her, I am thinking perhaps this is an old resentment or "revenge" due to her abandonment issues. My grandmom (now deceased) cared for her as a baby.

The good news about this is that I didn't fantasize about my "perfect holiday" and was already expecting drama and stuff like this, that is why I am planning my next year's holiday for ME and for real relaxation, and for that SR I am thankful. Otherwise I would be in victim mode asking God why I can't get a break, yadda yadda.. so, that is a huge change in me...


Do I need to do anything or would it be codie for me to ask my sis why she is doing this??

Poor baby being around so much tension and unclear messages my mom is resigned she won't touch him. Its bizarre not to have human contact with the baby, its like we are fighting for my sister's attention.........



Or is it too much for a new mom with a 3-week-old baby?

I am so grateful I can share here!! your honest opinion is welcome...

roxiestone

I don't think the problem is yours to solve. I'm glad that you didn't have any unrealistic expectations about the trip. Family outings, especially with a new baby and all that entails, can be difficult.

TakingCharge999

Thanks roxiestone.

Although it feels weird that I can have the baby and my mom is there just feeling badly about it and watching, or leaving and coming back later, but I guess she is a grown up and can ask "why not?", as I would ask, right? I already told her she has to speak clearly about her needs. And that's all I can do.

As I have a huge T of Tired, I will go sleep now...

Thanks so much roxie, I just needed someone else to tell me "NOT YOUR PROBLEM" ....

As usual with family I get LOTS of answers to my "why's"...

TakingCharge999

Need of unnecessary drama
Saying something and acting a different way
Not taking care of self
Procrastination
Shutting up instead of expressing feelings in a constructive way
Ambience of sadness, melancholy when there could be joy

Ah, how much of myself I see around here... well, of TC999 in the past, before opening her eyes...

We can't heal something we can't acknowledge.

Oh and there's more drama but, too tired today...

My dad sent an email asking me to do many things, well today I learned my sister CRIED out of anger and frustration because she knows I am already busy, supertired sometimes don't even sleep/have lunch due to work priorities... so, another check, yes my sister is codependent... I had felt bad due to my dad as I wrote in another thread, and NOW I feel bad for my sister crying recently and in these days supposedly special...

Ah, the twisted hells of codependency, worse than addiction in some aspects like how hidden it is... almost imperceptible.

The good news here is that thanks to therapy I know that man who is my dad doesn't KNOW HOW TO BE ONE, BEHAVE LIKE ONE, the only aspect that he fulfilled was a breadwinner.

Sheesh Day1 and I feel like I am clinging to my recovery ... well, time to test the convoluted waters of family life...

TakingCharge999

I also came here instead of going directly to sis trying to fix things

And giving myself time to rest and to think

Another thing I am doing right YAY!! not reacting by pure instinct but stepping back...

Tuffgirl

Tc, the first thing that came ot my mind is your sister is exhausted and hormonal, and maybe experiencing a bit of a let down after the baby is born? I remember that feeling with the first one...there was so much excitement at first. Then after a few weeks of attention and excitement, life had to return to the new normal and it was hard for me to wrap my head around this new normal of parenthood.

This doesn't excuse anything, only to try to understand the underlying causes of your sister's behavior from the physical standpoint. Maybe she is very T (tired) as well.

Family dynamics rear their (sometimes) ugly heads when family get together. I've got one brewing right now as my family approaches my Dad's 70th birthday. Seems everyone has their own idea of how to celebrate it and no one is budging...and no one has asked my Dad! I said my 2 cents when asked for input, and have left it at that - detached from the outcome.

I don't have any specific advice to give, other than being kind to your Mom who has her feelings hurt and respecting your sister's boundaries with the new baby even if they don't make sense. And of course, enjoying yourself in Thailand! Have a wonderful time in spite of everyone else! I wish you a fabulous trip!

TakingCharge999

Thanks a lot Tuffgirl! yes I was thinking it hasn't even been a month yet, of course its a huge change and all.. I talked to my mom and she is also taking all this the best way possible... today we feel slightly better... and she has nurses helping with the baby and a maid, so arriving and see the maid carrying the baby is like a huge blow. But well, its her baby... now I am also afraid of getting close to him!

Its my sis birthday (and she didn't even remember!) so we bought her some cake... and cooking now.

Thanks for your perspective and I hope all goes well with the birthday!!

m1k3

TC, don't worry about your mom and sis. Who knows what issues are involved here between your sister, mother, her husband, his family and all the different ways families can act crazy.

It's your vacation, enjoy it. Remember just because you are visiting family doesn't mean you have to be with them 24/7. Give yourself some time to things that you want to do.

Have fun.

Your friend,