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Silence - Need ES&H

Old 06-25-2011, 09:36 PM
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Silence - Need ES&H

So my RAH made 90 days yesterday, which is great but for the last 2 weeks he's been really silent. We still eat dinner together & we say our prayers 2gether but its like just necessary speaking that I'm getting. He used to call me during the day now nothing, I end up calling him & its like yes/no responses.

I'm trying not to obsess about it and pray about it. I acknowledge that it makes me nervous because most of our explosive incidents including his relapse in Feb we're precipitated by weeks of silence.

I don't know if its the psych meds he's on or that he's cut back on meetings due to his health issues (he had 2 minor surgeries these past 2 weeks) or that he's working on his 4th step & it has his mind in a trip. His sponsor told me it can be difficult the first time.

I know not to push too much in early recovery. I learned that the hard way last time. I had to admit I was a bit of a provoker in his relapse, but I didn't have Al Anon then. I'm 4months in recovery myself & have only been able to do 1 or 2 F2F meetings a week lately. I've been working 6 days a week & I'm pretty tired most evenings. I know not to try to engage in discussion at that time due to H.A.L.T - hungry, angry, lonely, tired but its hard to feel like I'm losing some degree of intimacy with him. He was always drinking or not a very talkative person except when depressed or angry so please understand my concern.

Like I said I'm still new to recovery and any ESH on dealing with a spouse/BF/GF in early recovery would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:52 AM
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Hello there Destiny, and pleased to "meet" you

Originally Posted by DestinyM View Post
... So my RAH made 90 days yesterday ....
That's awesome, congratulations to him.

Originally Posted by DestinyM View Post
... I'm 4months in recovery myself....
That is also awesome, congratulation to you _and_ him.

Originally Posted by DestinyM View Post
... I don't know if its the psych meds he's on or that ....
Could be any of the things you mentioned, or all mixed together.

You didn't mention in your post whether drinking was a part of your relationship. I don't know if this will fit your situation, so toss it out if it doesn't. Some couples use drinking as part of the activities that give meaning and bonding to their relationship.

For example; some couples go out to dinner and then a movie once a month, or once a week. They both share an interest in the same type of movie and enjoy discussing the movie afterwards. In the same mannter some couples are "drinking buddies" where they go to the bar together, or stay home and watch videos while drinking.

If you guys were each other's "drinking buddy" then, in addition to everything that he's got going on" it may that he just doesn't know _what_ to do now or how to interact with you in the absence of a drink.

Originally Posted by DestinyM View Post
... dealing with a spouse/BF/GF in early recovery....
The best way to re-build a relationship is to get an expert to help out. You mentioned that he's on psych meds, could you both go see the doctor who is managing those meds? You could try a counselor that specialized in addictions. Next time you go to a meeting of al-anon ask the people there if they can recommend a counselor.

Originally Posted by DestinyM View Post
... I've been working 6 days a week & I'm pretty tired most evenings. I know not to try to engage in discussion at that time due to H.A.L.T ....
Good for you, sounds like your recovery is working really well for you.

Originally Posted by DestinyM View Post
... He was always drinking or not a very talkative person except when depressed or angry so please understand my concern. ....
If he was not much for conversations do begin with then it's going to be a struggle for him to learn _how_ to communicate without booze. All the more reason to find a professional that can teach him how to start little by little, and show you how to handle the silence while he learns to communicate.

Am I making sense with all that?

Mike
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:11 AM
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Thanks Mike for the advice. No we weren't drinking buddies but he has drank throughout our 8 years together. It came out during his detox that the times I thought he was sober he was still drinking. I'm going to look into the therapy.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:30 AM
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I can speak from personal experience, that i have gone days without saying anything more than what needs to be said to others while doing my fourth step. The other day I did my "anger" chapter in the blueprint for progress, and I cried for like three hours afterwards. The fourth step can be very difficult.

I can also speak from personal experience in saying that trying to figure out why others do what they do is not healthy for my recovery. If I ask and they don't want to share, then I try my best to let it go, and focus back on myself. It's a merry go round, going from "maybe it's this, maybe it's that, what if it's this..." hurts my head just thinking about it.
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