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and so it goes....I did it again..

Old 06-25-2011, 02:05 PM
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and so it goes....I did it again..

I did it again...I believed that he was changing. He made an appt with a couselor schedule for next week....started to have a glimmer of hope. Today when AH was supposed to come visit the kids, I had tried to call a few times this morning - he was sleeping late (probablly from drinking to much last night), anyway I don't know that for sure. However I took a nap when my kids were napping and he called several times, leaving kind of a 'gruff' message. Ok...no surprise there...but anyway I tried to call him back because he was supposed to come see his daughter and son, and our daughter who is 2 1/2 has been asking when he was coming. He didn't answer. So....you can probablly guess where he was....the bar. Now I know I should have just let it go, but I am so angry. I guess not so much at him, but at me for actually allowing myself to believe his lies. And, yes when I asked him if he was drinking today he said no...he had wings and sprite...right!! Does he really believe I am that stupid...yes he does....I could tell by his voice!! He can not be honest about his drinking at ALL!!! I am just SO frustrated with myself for holding on to hope, for believing that he would/could change. Everyone here has told me SO many times, my counselor tells me.......but I don't listen very well. I am SO tired of this part of my life, and I know even divorcing him that having 2 children together that this is ALWAYS going to be an issue. Just when I find contentment with myself and my children, I seem to get wrapped back up in his awful mess!! I am working So hard on myself....it is so time to move on...
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Old 06-25-2011, 02:10 PM
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I wish I knew what to tell you. He is not going to change. Have you filed for divorce yet? When you have finally had enough, nothing he says or does will make a difference. You will know what you have to do and do it. I sincerely hope that time comes for you soon.
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Old 06-25-2011, 02:45 PM
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I have been on SR for almost 3 years and you are still posting the same goings on Moni. You are 3 years older, your family is 3 years older and 3 years of life has passed you by. There isn't anything I can say, nor anyone that will cause you to make a change. Only you can. I am sad for you though because (based on your actions or lack thereof) you obviously expect and accept so little out of life, not just for yourself, but for your children.

I think you are dreaming in techocolour Moni if you think that your husband is going to make sweeping changes because he made an appointment to see a counselor. Hope is not a strategy.
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Old 06-26-2011, 05:47 AM
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Maybe it's time to put on your listening ears and do what needs to be done.

You were supposed to serve the divorce papers in May, did you ever do it?

He is doing what he has always done and your expecting a different outcome, thats pure fantasy, reality is...it won't happen.

You are right, time to move on.
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Old 06-26-2011, 06:02 AM
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Moni, I posted this in another thread, try it on and see if it fits.

Hope clouds observation. Look at his actions without the rose colored glasses and make a decision based on that. Are his actions something you are willing to accept? Your words say no but your actions say yes.
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Old 06-26-2011, 06:22 AM
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If your life were a reality show that paid you for prolonging the drama, then what you are doing would make sense. But where's your paycheck? Drama doesn't pay the bills, and you are the one creating it by staying with this guy.
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Old 06-26-2011, 06:29 AM
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Hi, I have a similar situation and just filed for divorce a couple of months ago. It is scary and sad sometimes, but it really feels good. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have two small kids too and no job yet, but I have faith it will all work out. I think life is too short to be so unhappy and constantly stressed out by someone else. I wish you strength and a little luck too.
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:53 AM
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Thank you alll for you thoughts.....I really am trying.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:23 AM
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You are learning some hard lessons and sometimes we need to be reminded because we want to believe that they can change and be the person we deserve. Feel that pain and anger. It will help you see things more clearly because you will have to continue dealing with him as the father of your children. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. Keep moving forward.
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Old 06-26-2011, 09:09 AM
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When we get upset about an addict doing what addicts do...that doesn't really have anything thing at all to do with the addict. It's all about us. If we can change the way we react, we can find serenity.
A year ago, the addict in my life could set me off with a couple of words or a funny look. Anger, defensiveness, hurt feelings.
A couple of days ago, my addict called me at work and said "We need to talk." That statement used to literally put a ball of anxiety in my stomach. I felt the need to be defensive start up, but I shook it off, took a deep breath and drove home.
And we talked, or she did. Forty-five minutes and I let her talk, I gave her space, I didn't get angry, I didn't get defensive. Looking back at it, I was kinda proud of myself for letting her talk about her issues (even when her issues are about the need to fix me), without letting my emotions take over.
I guess what I saying is: It's not about the addict, its about you. You need to work on you. There is a better way. For me it's been Al-anon.
Divorce may be something you need to do, but it's not the solution to your problems.
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Old 06-26-2011, 09:15 AM
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"I really am trying"

Moni, I don't know what you are referring to?

I think what you are doing is waiting for a miracle. I have said it before and I will say it again...If you are willing to accept what is and what will always be (and it will continue to remain the same, likely worse in time) you do not have to leave your marriage. However, you post about the abuse you endure and the abuse your children endure (not showing up for scheduled visits and worse) yet you continue to stay waiting, hoping wishing and praying. if I understand your circumstances, your husband is not living with you and hasn't for about a year...so you don't have a marriage and you don't have a life without him. Make a decision Moni. Pick a way to live and get on with it.

I'm not sure what it is you want to hear from anyone. You come back with the same issue year after year, receive sound advice and your response is always the same. "I really am trying"
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:31 PM
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"I really am trying"

I too, wondered what that mean't, trying what?
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:52 PM
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I am scared to death of financially, physically, and emotionally taking care of 6 kids on my own....I am afraid to fail. You are absolutely right...we dont' have a relationship, I have NO life of my own....and I am So stuck. I knew what people here would say when I posted this. I do see a couselor and am working thru my stuff. And yes...I believe that I must divorce him, and keep my kids safe...but I am scared to death. My ressponsiblities are all consuming. And yes you are right...I have prayed, hoped beyond all hope that something would change and NOTHING ever has. I almost regret posting here because I'm feeling like a broken record...or being percieved as such. I am not blaming him....but although I've always felt like I have had enough self esteem to move on....his comments about how I am "stupid, no one would ever want me, worthless....you name he has said it" linger in my head. It has paralyzed me...knowing what I NEED and WANT to do, but being AFRAID OF IT....at the same time. I apologize if you think that I expect different advice or different thoughts - I do consider carefully what advice experience etc is given here. I AM SO SCARED.
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Old 06-27-2011, 09:32 PM
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Moni it's not easy. I know what stuck feels like and I know how fear can overwhelm.

There are rational fears and irrational fears. Maybe you can write down on a piece of paper what all of your fears are and beside each one, write a possible solution. For example, awhile back you said you were tutoring during the summer because you needed to bring in more income since the school year has ended. That would be an example of an irrational fear (because you have resources). Also, financial support from your husband. (Is there a reason why you seem to think that the fin. responsibility will be bourne only by you?) You are making it work now aren't you? What do you think is going to be so different divorced? Rationally? You have never painted your husband as a help to you with your children, so being a single Mother...you are a single Mother now for all intents and purposes. Make a list and go through it methodically with fears and solutions. There is a "lid for every pot" Moni, you just have to find it. Change is always daunting, but staying stuck is worse.

I really do hope for the best Moni.
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Old 06-27-2011, 11:28 PM
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When I'm trudging through the poop going uphill, I often ask myself, "what would I tell a friend who was dealing with this?"
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Old 06-27-2011, 11:39 PM
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EXACTLY! You know what, I've had the exact same thoughts, fears as you have Moni, included the being scared(alright,terrified), but I just had to force the fears back down, and continue to take the steps necessary to move on with my life. Not just for me, because I know I deserve better than this, but for my kids who definitely deserve better.
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Old 06-27-2011, 11:49 PM
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freeing, I like your tagline.

It's not our abilities that make us
who we are, it is our choices.


"Hoping" is not detachment nor is it accepting reality. That would be a great first place to begin - practicing acceptance and detachment. Hope is an emotion, acceptance and detachment are actions.

When I stopped hoping and just accepted what it is today...this is what I have and it is my choice to make the best of it for me (and my kids) or screw it all up by letting my emotions drive me. The more I practiced this, the easier it got, but it is an everyday thing.
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