LivFree

First time poster. So grateful for having found this site.

Short history. Married to an AW for three months. Dated very briefly before that. Got to know each other by spending a lot of time together, and really enjoyed the companionship, love, and attraction. Have a great time together, except sometimes when she has been drinking. Sometimes, she became very vicious and mean (not all the time after drinking).

Knew that she drank daily. Was in denial about her alcohol addiction. After marriage, the alcohol use went from bad to worse. Then one day she got physically abusive. That was my boundary. I called the police she got arrested. After being released from jail, I told her she could not come back home and she went to her Mom's house. After a few days she decided that she was going to be honest about her alcohol addiction and go into recovery. Got sober on her own. Checked into a treatment program.

Appeared to be doing really well, until two weeks ago. She decided not to join any support group. Did not want to go to AA and listen to a bunch of losers. Decided that she likes wine too much and was missing it a lot. Then finally she decided to have two glasses of wine when out of lunch with friends. Has decided to become a "social drinker". Now this is a person who has been drinking every day for the last 25+ years, and often very heavily. Also, some past addiction to prescription pain killers.

I have been going to Al-Anon. Had started before her arrest/decision to become sober. I have also being going to CODA. Both are very helpful.

The latest incident regarding social drinking got me very upset. She appears to be back in denial. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I love and care for her very much. We really enjoy each others company. Sex has been good too (except for the last week, before her decision to start drinking, when she lost all interest in sex). This was a surprise to me, as she said, "she has never turned down sex before." That itself is a big red flag to me.

Anyway, just want to vent and put down my feelings. Have no anger or resentment. Just sadness for what this relationship might have been. I have done a lot of reading and thinking. And I really don't want to be part of the denial cycle.

Thanks for reading.

LivFree

Also, she is very angry with me. Does not want to touch or even hug. I think she resents that she cannot go back to drinking or fear loosing the relationship. She says that I am judging her. After the social drinking incident (which she was honest in admitting to me), I have been very quiet. Trying to digest everything and decide what to do next. My inner core is screaming get out. My heart says, stay and hope for the better. But part of me knows that is only wishful thinking. I think the anger is a manipulation too, by the part of her brain that just wants to drink.

Seren

Hi LivFree, Welcome to SR!

Sounds like you are getting help and support for yourself, and that's great news! Alcoholics in early recovery can be angry and resentful. I hope for her sake that she will come to want recovery for herself, not for anyone else or as a result of some ultimatum, because that is when things will truly begin to change for her.

I hope you will stick around, read through some of the threads, and keep learning all you can about this disease.

Again, Welcome!
HG

Freedom1990

Hi LivFree, and welcome to SR!

Anger is a very effective tool for keeping people at arm's length. I was very angry when I was drinking because I did not want anyone to interfere with what I was doing.

Your AW went to rehab. She was given the tools to stay sober, and decided to throw those tools out the window.

As for AA, this loser has been sober 20+ years through AA, a loving God, and much hard work on my part!

Take good care of yourself. It's a continual roller coaster that only gets worse with an active alcoholic.

LivFree

BTW, the "loser" connotation was hers. The first day I walked into Al-Anon (which had several past AA members), I felt that I had walked into a place of great love, strength, and courage.

Thanks for all the support. Yes, she is angry. She is resentful. Her mind plays all the tricks. I have been a nicotine addict on-and-off, and know how the mind can play tricks. I am the target. But I know that moderation will not work for her. And I also know that she has not yet hit rock-bottom. I know that I cannot "save" her, or hope that my love is all that is needed. Ultimately, it is her battle to fight or concede, for her own sake.

I have been very supportive, and would be willing to be the same in the future, but not as a couple living together. My gut feeling is that once I tell her we are done, the anger and pain will just drive her to drink even more. Who knows? I can't predict the future, nor lead a life in fear or the future.

I have been reading, "Too good to leave, too bad to stay," over the last 4 days. Hopefully, it will pull me out of ambivalence.

Thanks again.

Freedom1990

No worries! I knew the loser connotation was coming from her!

You're doing great, even though things are what they are right now.

As for her drinking more due to anger and pain? She just has to pick up those tools again. That's on her, not you.

LivFree

After four days of reading, talking to a close friend, two Al-Anon meetings, and a talk with my AW, I have finally reached my decision.

If she picks up drinking again, for whatever reason, I am done. Social drinking, relapse, drinking in her sleep, whatever :-)

We had a talk, and told her that this is my boundary. Not as a threat or ultimatum, but rather where I stand. Told her that she is free to make her choices. Told her that I know she faces a very strong battle, but this is her own life to save. I hope that pray that she will make the right choices for herself in the right manner.

I will continue to attend Al-Anon. I will also attend a few open AA meetings over the next two weeks. She will know that I am going to these. "Honey, I am planning to attend an AA meeting tonight." No "you should come," or "it might be good for you to attend," etc. She has to make this choice. I think with the right support she would be in a much better position.

The first test comes in three weeks from today, when we will attend a social function to celebrate something. If she drinks, I am done. I feel bad about being so harsh about the situation, but I have to set a boundary for myself, and this is it.

In fact I have been very relieved after setting this boundary.

I am also not going to worry if she will hide it from me and drink. I am usually a very observant person, so sooner or later I will find out, and then I'll be done.

Now, back to living one day at a time :-)

Seeking Wisdom

It appears you have come a long way in just a few short months.

It usually takes much longer to come as far as you have. It took me many years and a deeply entangled relationship with house, children and a business ... before I realized how hopelessly toxic my situation had become.

As you have already realized, ultimately it will be up to her to change her life. You have already made a decision to change yours ... hopefully for a happier and healthier future.

kittykitty

Definitely sounds like you are on the right track, stay strong. Sending you hugs and serenity