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Still moving forward...

Old 06-25-2011, 06:42 AM
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Still moving forward...

I read Gettinby's post on her mole and how she was dealing with her emotions, in particular fear. It struck a cord with me and made me think of a quote that I had read in 'Dune'.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.
I thought this was relevant and maybe even helpful when my HP pointed out a small quote further down the page.

Hope clouds observation.
That one just smacked me in the face. I have been going through a lot this past week. I knew that there was no hope for myself and my AW to ever go back to having a relationship and I had accepted that. What I discovered was that I still had hope for her getting better for her own sake. She may or may not get better but me clinging to that hope was an obstruction to my own recovery.

I'm still going to put the fear quote in GB's thread but I felt an intense need to post this. I have learned not to ignore these needs.

Your friend,
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:05 AM
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if it's possible, give yourself permission to take a day off from your AW and all of her messages, emails, pleading and your own thinking every imaginable scenario.

recharge your batteries, go outside, go to a movie, take a drive, have a good meal, get out amongst people, turn off your phone and computer, just try to enjoy the beautiful weather....overthinking and dwelling constantly on the big issues is exhausting and draining.

I promise you that all of the problems will still be there when you return, but you might have a better outlook....and a rested head.
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:12 AM
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As I meditate on this some more I realize that this hope was keeping me from making some tough choices I really had to make. Things like opening my own bank accounts, getting my own phone account and talking to a lawyer.

I guess I thought this process would be easier if I was dealing with someone in recovery rather than an active alcoholic. Doesn't look like I'm going to get the chance to find out.

Your friend,
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:17 AM
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"Hope clouds observation."

Goodness. Truer words were never spoken.
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
if it's possible, give yourself permission to take a day off from your AW and all of her messages, emails, pleading and your own thinking every imaginable scenario.

recharge your batteries, go outside, go to a movie, take a drive, have a good meal, get out amongst people, turn off your phone and computer, just try to enjoy the beautiful weather....overthinking and dwelling constantly on the big issues is exhausting and draining.

I promise you that all of the problems will still be there when you return, but you might have a better outlook....and a rested head.
Actually I am babysitting the grand kids today and won't even be home. I'm looking forward to a really good day. I might even get that new phone and number today. I feeling pretty good about things, dropping some emotional baggage always helps.
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:27 AM
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My father once said to me:"Professing fear is our way of not facing reality, in a reality
based mindset, there is no fear, just solutions."
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:29 AM
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Hope clouds observation.
What a powerful quote. I am sometimes unpopular in my view of hope, because for me, hope is an emotion based on the possible outcome of future events.

I don't have hope for my AD. Rather I have faith, faith that a higher power watches over her, and she is exactly where she is supposed to be today.

All any of us have is the moment in front of us. There are no guarantees for anything after that.

Make any sense?
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Old 06-25-2011, 02:21 PM
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I know that HOPE is an absolute obstruction to my recovery!!! I loved reading this...thanks for sharing!
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:55 PM
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Good one, M1k.

I like this one also, by Marcus Aurelius:

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing iself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

And "Hope clouds observation" is brilliant. And how relevant.
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Old 06-25-2011, 06:57 PM
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Amazing, truly magical things happen to me when I do two things:

Do the next thing I believe is just, then release attachment to outcome.
Be as careful as I can to not do anything out of fear.
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Old 06-25-2011, 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Amazing, truly magical things happen to me when I do two things:

Do the next thing I believe is just, then release attachment to outcome.
Be as careful as I can to not do anything out of fear.
love it. thanks.
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:32 AM
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Still moving forward...BobbyJ's thread freed something that had been floating around in the back of my mind for the last several days.

I think many of us, me included have worked very hard on detaching from our A's and moving forward with our lives but what we haven't done yet is detach from the guilt we feel for not being able to help our As.

I need to give myself the freedom to make mistakes. And to do it without feeling guilty. I made mistakes in my relationship with my AW, in not being able to save her and in not taking care of myself.

You know what, that's ok. One of the things I have learned from Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is that you learn the best when you make mistakes. When you are doing well it is reinforcing good habits that you have already learned. Its when someone catches you in a submission or a choke that you learn new things! If you let your ego get in the way, in the form of guilt, then you don't learn. I had someone pin me to the mat like I never had in the past today. I asked him how he did that and what my counters should be. I learned new lessons that I needed to know.

Be kind and gentle with yourselves and realize that your mistakes are really valuable lessons and nothing to feel guilty over.

Drink deep from the well of experience and let your mistakes become the roots of wisdom rather than guilt.

Your somewhat bruised and abused friend (from jiu jitsu of course),

BTW, doing this at 57 gives me lots of opportunities to learn.
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Old 06-26-2011, 05:46 AM
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I've always said the greatest gift from recovery for me was learning to give myself permissions:
  • Permission to live my life in a manner that is the most healthy for ME
  • Permission to look at areas where I am harsh on myself and re-evaluate if my perspective is accurate or not
  • Permission to do things that may not garner approval from others close to me but that are the right choice for ME
  • Permission to let go of things that really don't belong to me (responsibility, guilt, shame, etc. that is not mine)

I found that at first it was work and learning a skill, to give myself permissions, but after it became internalized to me in reality, it became much more natural - sort of fake it 'til you make it.

CLMI
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
I've always said the greatest gift from recovery for me was learning to give myself permissions:
  • Permission to live my life in a manner that is the most healthy for ME
  • Permission to look at areas where I am harsh on myself and re-evaluate if my perspective is accurate or not
  • Permission to do things that may not garner approval from others close to me but that are the right choice for ME
  • Permission to let go of things that really don't belong to me (responsibility, guilt, shame, etc. that is not mine)

I found that at first it was work and learning a skill, to give myself permissions, but after it became internalized to me in reality, it became much more natural - sort of fake it 'til you make it.

CLMI
This is powerful.
I THINK I give myself permission, but I find there are many things I don't give myself permission for.
Saying really stupid things that I don't mean to say or didn't think about how they would come out.
I punish myself for those, for example.
Hurting others unintentionally.
Not being as competent as someone else.
Asking for help when I can't do it at work.

Remembering to give myself permission for ALL the ways I am is a good reminder!!
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