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early recovery still paining me...help

Old 06-25-2011, 04:11 AM
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early recovery still paining me...help

I cannot sleep. My RAH is doing what he's supposed to as I am as well..but I still cannot shake this awful feeling of loneliness. I'm going to my meetings, counseling and all my individual needs and goals but I STILL feel so disconnected from him. In my previous thread I got advice that helped me understand this is good and normal because he's actually doing work, but I can't manage the pain. I keep busy during day with what I need to do but at night, I don't sleep. I only slept for one hour a night the past few nights. I hate being in bed woth my husband who I do not feel close to. I miss him so much. I know nothing will change...I just want help with how to get through the night...
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:17 AM
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A good night of sleep is so important for our health and well-being. If you can't get a good night sleep laying next to him... why not sleep some place else? A guest room? Or the couch.

I moved into our guest room 4 months ago. I did it initially out of anger (not really working my recovery very well then!)... but I have stayed because its good for ME! I sleep better, which helps me staty strong for all the hard work my recovery requires

thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:21 AM
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Thanks Getting By...I am on the couch tonight but wide awake. Maybe as my recovery progresses, I won't have these nights anymore. This is just really so painful to feel insignificant from the person you want to be most significant to...I am tired of going to bed alone and crying after he goes to sleep but as someone told me on my previous thread, I don't want the alternative so I will endure...
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:26 AM
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It will get better if you focus on you and taking care of you. It's simple, but it sure isn't easy. You have to learn to look inside you for love. Expecting it from someone who is not capable of caring for you.... will only hurt YOU and breed resentments.

Change is hard sweetee. But you are worth it, I promise.
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:30 AM
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I know you are right. Just I guess with everything else in life, walking the walk is the hardest part.
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Old 06-25-2011, 05:06 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
Thanks Getting By...I am on the couch tonight but wide awake. Maybe as my recovery progresses, I won't have these nights anymore. This is just really so painful to feel insignificant from the person you want to be most significant to...I am tired of going to bed alone and crying after he goes to sleep but as someone told me on my previous thread, I don't want the alternative so I will endure...
It takes time in recovery for us to progress to the point where we are significant to ourselves, never mind anyone else.

Be gentle with yourself, okay?
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Old 06-25-2011, 05:24 AM
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sweetee, those of us working recovery have been right where you are now. Beginnings are always the hardest part of anything worthy. One thing that helped me was to a look at my feelings and what was the root of the pain. I was very angry but I found that there was more underneath and the anger, which is a very strong emotion, was hiding some things I really needed to acknowledge before I could move forward.

((((hugs))))
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Old 06-25-2011, 11:15 PM
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Well he just left me and my little girl again. There are no words....I have put up with everything and he said he started drinking because he was a liar as a child to cope and has been lying ever since. He said he never wanted to marry me or have our daughter and just went along for the ride. I am humiliated, once again!
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Old 06-25-2011, 11:29 PM
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((((hugs)))) My husband has similar quacks all the time -- most of the time it's, "I don't know why any man would want you, you really misrepresented yourself before we got married." Followed by, "I didn't want a baby, you did. I'm too old for more kids, I do everything for her, I hope you're happy, you're a horrible mother..." so on and so forth. Knowing it's not true doesn't really take away the hurt.

Keep focusing on your own recovery, and regardless of what happens to him you will get better with time. I've been struggling with the sleep issues m'self, and nights are always the hardest because I just want to talk to him or feel him snuggled up next to me. Nights he's not drinking, if I toss and turn and can't sleep he'll put his arm around me and pull me close, and then I wake up in the morning nestled against him. Right now, by noon tomorrow he'll have been unresponsive (except to wake up and drink more) for three days straight. I miss him more than anything as I type this from my son's room (who is with his bio-dad right now), but I know that at least I am slowly getting healthier...I don't always feel like I can make it through this, but eventually even this will pass.
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Old 06-25-2011, 11:39 PM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
Well he just left me and my little girl again. There are no words....I have put up with everything and he said he started drinking because he was a liar as a child to cope and has been lying ever since. He said he never wanted to marry me or have our daughter and just went along for the ride. I am humiliated, once again!
Sweetee, really look at your daughter tomorrow and tell me this is a bad thing. You don't need him to validate your life or hers. She is the reason to be strong and heal yourself so that you can pass on your experiences and she can learn to be strong, just like her mother.

We are all here to help you.

((((hugs))))
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Old 06-25-2011, 11:49 PM
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I'll send you some middle-of-the-night ((((hugs)))).
He has a problem. It's his, not yours.
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Old 06-26-2011, 05:23 AM
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I just woke up and it feels like a dream. I am just looking at my beautiful 3 year old girl who literally said last night "Daddy left us again". I am not going to put her through this anymore. I am alone and I guess this is meant to be. I tried for so long to be there for him and be a good wife but at the end of the day he continued to choose a path of self loathing and self sabatoge. Today is Day 1 all over again...the day when you feel like you just got hit by a train. That's how I feel. I know I am better off but the pain is here.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:37 AM
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She's lucky to have you, a parent who loves and cares for her. And I think that it's good for her to see and know at an early age that no matter how much we love someone we don't tolerate abuse and cruelty. You're doing her a great service by demonstrating that to her. It's such an affirmation of the importance of your lives.

Hard and painful as it was, no matter what my A's problems were, or how sad or tragic it all became, his problems were his business and he had to carry them. He had no right to inflict on me and others. Hugs to both you and your sweet daughter.
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:43 PM
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Your thread brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't care if it is early recovery, treating someone as if they don't exist is cruel.

It is ok to stand by someone but not at a cost to yourself or your lovely daughter. If he is going through this up and down thing and not sure what he wants maybe he needs the space to figure that out for himself.

Sounds like you are the easy scapegoat for really looking deep within himself. Or if he is, he is not happy with what is coming up for him so much easier to deflect that pain on the ones we care about the most.

Just take it moment by moment.
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Old 06-26-2011, 01:21 PM
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I am glad that you are doing the right thing for your daughter, you are her voice, her rock, what you do for her today, will have a positive impact on her life, her future rests in the palm of your hand.

The pain will pass, one step at a time as you move forward.

My best,
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Old 06-26-2011, 04:22 PM
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Thank you. I know it will pass. Its mental. I am consumed with thoughts wondering what was and wasn't reality, etc..and simple fact is it doesn't matter. The pain is consuming me and I'm almost scared for my daughter to go to sleep because I know it will kick in to loneliness and wandering thoughts. I know I deserve better.
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Old 06-26-2011, 04:43 PM
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Do you have a family member or friend that you can vent to? Might help you work thru the pain.

The only time I have been lonely, in my entire life, was when I lived my exabf, he was in the same room, but, never really there. I was living with someone, but lonely.

Take a nice bubble bath, light some candles and try to relax. Tomorrow is a new day!
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:59 PM
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I don't have family or friends left because along the way I alienated them all by taking him back over and over. I don't understand why he blames me for everything...it hurts like hell. I am almost scared to fall asleep because I don't want to wake up.
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:18 PM
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They do consume our feelings, life, and almost every breath we take

But, it is up to YOU, not to let him do that anymore!

Take care of you first...1st, Uno......

Always remember,,,,,This too shall pass

It does get easier, may not seem like it now, but it does....

Try your hardest to get some good sleep & lots of water
You will be amazed how much better you will feel, with sleep!

I go outside & work my butt off, haul wood or metal,
exercise, dance, run or bike until I have over exhausted myself

Then I sleep.....Try something like that, it will help...

Keep your chin up..."THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:28 PM
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I can't sleep. I wish I could. I stayed gone all day today and night and just walked in the house and I got a sense of sadness all over again...so I just logged on. I need help.
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