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A year ago feels like a lifetime.

Old 06-25-2011, 12:34 AM
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A year ago feels like a lifetime.

I just need to post this. I am feeling very sad tonight. This weekend last year was a special one for us so I knew it was going to be rough. I knew I was going to miss him a lot. And be sad. I'm giving myself that space but I want to know I'll be smiling again, love again, be loved again, love myself in a real and whole way no matter what happens. As I sit here, it sure doesn't feel like that.

They say love is worth the risk. I am not so sure anymore. Not if it makes me feel like this. I've felt heartbreak before but man oh man, this guy has a way of unknowingly (or knowingly?) being the King of Pain, even in recovery. I wish there was some way of knowing that I will be ok regardless of his outcome. In my worry about whether or not HE will be ok, I forgot to protect myself. I mean, It took me three years of solitude to open my heart up again like this.

So why now does it feel like it has been torn to bits? After his rehab, I may never speak to this man again, who knows. Or he will try to get me all swoony when he is out of rehab or when life starts to get tough. And get me to do something insane like marry him. You know what? I am crazy enough about him to do that.

Sorry for sounding like a broken record. I am just really really sad tonight and I can't shake it. No I don't know what the future holds but I miss him a lot. This time last year I was on cloud nine and here I am a year later, wondering what this past year was all about and not even able to so much as say hi to him.

Thanks as always for listening.
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Old 06-25-2011, 01:11 AM
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(((((hugs))))) I'm sorry it's such a dark night for you. I guess all I can really say is that morning will come, life will go on, and somehow all of this negative stuff will be balanced out with positive things. Our lives may feel really pointless and lonely at times, but they won't always be that way and there will be better days.
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Old 06-25-2011, 01:12 AM
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(((((Babyblue)))))

there will be better days
there will be not-so-better days
hold on to the good you know
look to what you know edifies you
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:26 PM
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Today is slightly better. Slightly. As awful as this stuff is, it is necessary. I think I had pushed it somewhere instead of working through it. So when it comes out, it feels like it won't stop. Just when you think you have some healing, that pain comes out of hiding as a reminder that I have a long way to go.
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Old 06-25-2011, 06:47 PM
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I have a really full life, I have a wonderful family, career, I am very blessed. So if I give the impression of someone sitting in a one room apt with 15 cats and watching Dr. Phil re-runs... noooo.

That is what makes this so puzzling. I will never stop my life for anyone. Nor do I live it for anyone. Not trying to sound defensive but I worked very hard to have my education, MY own home, a son who is the light of my life, healthy friends (and social life). No one around me would have any clue that I am this torn up inside.

So that is what makes this hard. I'll go days of feeling like the world is my oyster and then a reminder stops me and the sadness just creeps up. I just let myself feel it and move on. I am always a person who appreciates the simple beauty in life, and live it.

It was by no means a wasted year this past year. So If I am doing all the 'right' things... why don't I see improvement??
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:47 PM
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Your first post was confusing to me, first you say that you are not sure love is worth the risk...then, the next paragraph, you are all ready to marry him?????

When you post on others threads you seem to clearly understand this whole codependency thing and constructively help others work through their pain and sadness, then you post for yourself and it doesn't seem to match your responses to others posts.

I am sorry that you can't get a grip on this situation, have you spoken to your therapist about this lingering issue?

Make next week a positive one, try not to dwell on the past, serves no purpose, it's over, cannot be recreated.
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
Today is slightly better. Slightly. As awful as this stuff is, it is necessary. I think I had pushed it somewhere instead of working through it. So when it comes out, it feels like it won't stop. Just when you think you have some healing, that pain comes out of hiding as a reminder that I have a long way to go.
I know that feeling all too well of when it comes out and never seems to stop.

My sponsor often tells me that this too shall pass.

I know it's been difficult not having communication with him at all.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:05 AM
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Babyblue,
You expressed so well what I am feeling this weekend. Weekends are hard. Sometimes I feel like there is not enough to fill up the time-time I longed for all week long at work. And yes, as I look around I know I am secure. I have a job I love that is not threatened by any recession, a house that is comfortable although needs lots of TLC, 2 children who are grown and have stood by my side, friends who care about me. Yet there is still a void in my life that I am hesitant to fill. Last year I was going through withdrawal. It was ugly. I kept busy and forced myself out, resisting the temptation to stay in bed in the fetal position. And through it all I kept saying "Next year will be better." And for the most part it is. But it still surprises me how things will trigger such sadness. Weekends are difficult. I have to choose how to spend my time, which can be overwhelming. I try to do the chores, book some time with friends and family, go for walks, and try desperately to not think about what HE might be doing. Some days I give myself permission to just be sad. I think its important to feel and process all the emotions that bubble up. Why are we feeling them? What are they trying to teach us? And I know that this too shall pass and the next day will bring more chances to enjoy my life. And next year will be better. Hugs to you.
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