I really need advice...my fiance is a high functioning alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by MayaandMe 
Notahappyhour,
Going NC with an A partner can be very painful, but it is only when we get out of the "fog" of their addiction and our addiction to them that we can see what we are doing to ourselves.
When I got out of the fog and followed my intuition, I found that I knew what I needed to do for myself and that I am strong enough to do it.
Keep doing the next right thing
Stick around SR, it is an amazing place of support and courage.
Going NC with an A partner can be very painful, but it is only when we get out of the "fog" of their addiction and our addiction to them that we can see what we are doing to ourselves.
When I got out of the fog and followed my intuition, I found that I knew what I needed to do for myself and that I am strong enough to do it.
Keep doing the next right thing
Stick around SR, it is an amazing place of support and courage.
I went no contact after I told her she has a problem (gave her examples of why). It runs in her family. Although she didn't drink much when we were together she'd smoke a lot of pot (to kill cravings I'm sure) and smoke butts.
No yelling, no screaming from my end. I wanted this to be a wake up to her. We haven't spoken to each other since. I know she's expecting me to call or text. No dice because I know I will be enabling then. I want her to know where I stand loud and clear!!
Notahappy hour. I can only imagine how you feel. I've had nightmares and sometimes I feel great, other times I'm on the verge of tears.
Stay strong. If you feel like you're going to break down, say a special prayer for her.
Prayer of the sick
Omnipotent and eternal God, the everlasting Salvation of those who believe, hear us on behalf of Thy Sick Servant (Insert Name), for whom we beg the aid of Thy pitying mercy, that, with her health restored, she may give thanks to Thee in Thy Church. Through Christ our Lord. Amen
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It sounds like you have been in a relationship for a while with someone who uses and abuses you. This may be something you want to look into, as to why you were okay with this for so long. There's alot of help out there for us (i'm in the same boat).
I just want to say, about the no contact thing, how important was for me to keep it absolutely no contact. I tried to leave my ex twice and couldn't do it, because I would always cave somehow. Reading facebook posts, text messages, even a letter from his mother at one point, always got me to start second guessing myself and doubting my decisions. I always decided to give it one more try, usually with my tail between my legs, because he had succeeded in making me feel like I had given up on him too soon, I was the bad one. Third time was the charm for me, so i'm out of it now.
Many people get by with just "not responding" to texts, emails, voicemails, etc. Some people read them on purpose, Hoping the insanity and irrationality of their ex's words will make themselves feel better about their decision to leave. Some are stronger than others. But the mere act of reading something, their words, accusations, or excuses took up space in my head. Next thing you know, you're thinking "how could they think that I never loved them" or "i can't believe he doesn't remember that conversation, I never said that" and you're pulled by this ridiculous desire, this NEED to respond. That's how they suck you back in. Like you said, she knows your weaknesses, and will absolutely use every one of them to pull you back in. Even when I didn't respond, my brain would be in a hurricane for days over something I had read or seen. I'd be right back to obsessing over what he was doing, how could he do this to me, to us, blah blah blah.
Those are my only words of advice. I'm glad you are realizing that you deserve better than this woman. Her family obviously has more than a few issues, and no matter how desperately you want a family, I know you can do better than this one.
I just want to say, about the no contact thing, how important was for me to keep it absolutely no contact. I tried to leave my ex twice and couldn't do it, because I would always cave somehow. Reading facebook posts, text messages, even a letter from his mother at one point, always got me to start second guessing myself and doubting my decisions. I always decided to give it one more try, usually with my tail between my legs, because he had succeeded in making me feel like I had given up on him too soon, I was the bad one. Third time was the charm for me, so i'm out of it now.
Many people get by with just "not responding" to texts, emails, voicemails, etc. Some people read them on purpose, Hoping the insanity and irrationality of their ex's words will make themselves feel better about their decision to leave. Some are stronger than others. But the mere act of reading something, their words, accusations, or excuses took up space in my head. Next thing you know, you're thinking "how could they think that I never loved them" or "i can't believe he doesn't remember that conversation, I never said that" and you're pulled by this ridiculous desire, this NEED to respond. That's how they suck you back in. Like you said, she knows your weaknesses, and will absolutely use every one of them to pull you back in. Even when I didn't respond, my brain would be in a hurricane for days over something I had read or seen. I'd be right back to obsessing over what he was doing, how could he do this to me, to us, blah blah blah.
Those are my only words of advice. I'm glad you are realizing that you deserve better than this woman. Her family obviously has more than a few issues, and no matter how desperately you want a family, I know you can do better than this one.
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Originally Posted by kittykitty
It sounds like you have been in a relationship for a while with someone who uses and abuses you. This may be something you want to look into, as to why you were okay with this for so long. There's alot of help out there for us (i'm in the same boat).
I just want to say, about the no contact thing, how important was for me to keep it absolutely no contact. I tried to leave my ex twice and couldn't do it, because I would always cave somehow. Reading facebook posts, text messages, even a letter from his mother at one point, always got me to start second guessing myself and doubting my decisions. I always decided to give it one more try, usually with my tail between my legs, because he had succeeded in making me feel like I had given up on him too soon, I was the bad one. Third time was the charm for me, so i'm out of it now.
Many people get by with just "not responding" to texts, emails, voicemails, etc. Some people read them on purpose, Hoping the insanity and irrationality of their ex's words will make themselves feel better about their decision to leave. Some are stronger than others. But the mere act of reading something, their words, accusations, or excuses took up space in my head. Next thing you know, you're thinking "how could they think that I never loved them" or "i can't believe he doesn't remember that conversation, I never said that" and you're pulled by this ridiculous desire, this NEED to respond. That's how they suck you back in. Like you said, she knows your weaknesses, and will absolutely use every one of them to pull you back in. Even when I didn't respond, my brain would be in a hurricane for days over something I had read or seen. I'd be right back to obsessing over what he was doing, how could he do this to me, to us, blah blah blah.
Those are my only words of advice. I'm glad you are realizing that you deserve better than this woman. Her family obviously has more than a few issues, and no matter how desperately you want a family, I know you can do better than this one.
I just want to say, about the no contact thing, how important was for me to keep it absolutely no contact. I tried to leave my ex twice and couldn't do it, because I would always cave somehow. Reading facebook posts, text messages, even a letter from his mother at one point, always got me to start second guessing myself and doubting my decisions. I always decided to give it one more try, usually with my tail between my legs, because he had succeeded in making me feel like I had given up on him too soon, I was the bad one. Third time was the charm for me, so i'm out of it now.
Many people get by with just "not responding" to texts, emails, voicemails, etc. Some people read them on purpose, Hoping the insanity and irrationality of their ex's words will make themselves feel better about their decision to leave. Some are stronger than others. But the mere act of reading something, their words, accusations, or excuses took up space in my head. Next thing you know, you're thinking "how could they think that I never loved them" or "i can't believe he doesn't remember that conversation, I never said that" and you're pulled by this ridiculous desire, this NEED to respond. That's how they suck you back in. Like you said, she knows your weaknesses, and will absolutely use every one of them to pull you back in. Even when I didn't respond, my brain would be in a hurricane for days over something I had read or seen. I'd be right back to obsessing over what he was doing, how could he do this to me, to us, blah blah blah.
Those are my only words of advice. I'm glad you are realizing that you deserve better than this woman. Her family obviously has more than a few issues, and no matter how desperately you want a family, I know you can do better than this one.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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This thread is breaking my heart. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to the wise people here who are trying to save you from a life of heartbreak and pain. They have been there and lived it and know what they are talking about.
It will not change. It will NEVER change until she realizes that she has a problem and is truly ready to get help and stop drinking FOREVER. Cutting back will not work. She must be ready to stop completely and forever and get herself into a recovery program.
Save yourself. PLEASE.
It will not change. It will NEVER change until she realizes that she has a problem and is truly ready to get help and stop drinking FOREVER. Cutting back will not work. She must be ready to stop completely and forever and get herself into a recovery program.
Save yourself. PLEASE.
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Originally Posted by StevieWonder
Great advice. I was with an abuser for a few months. She broke up with me, then wanted to get back together later that day. That was a wakeup call for me b/c deep down I knew where I stood to booze and pot. She may have loved me but she loved them much more!!!
I went no contact after I told her she has a problem (gave her examples of why). It runs in her family. Although she didn't drink much when we were together she'd smoke a lot of pot (to kill cravings I'm sure) and smoke butts.
No yelling, no screaming from my end. I wanted this to be a wake up to her. We haven't spoken to each other since. I know she's expecting me to call or text. No dice because I know I will be enabling then. I want her to know where I stand loud and clear!!
Notahappy hour. I can only imagine how you feel. I've had nightmares and sometimes I feel great, other times I'm on the verge of tears.
Stay strong. If you feel like you're going to break down, say a special prayer for her.
I went no contact after I told her she has a problem (gave her examples of why). It runs in her family. Although she didn't drink much when we were together she'd smoke a lot of pot (to kill cravings I'm sure) and smoke butts.
No yelling, no screaming from my end. I wanted this to be a wake up to her. We haven't spoken to each other since. I know she's expecting me to call or text. No dice because I know I will be enabling then. I want her to know where I stand loud and clear!!
Notahappy hour. I can only imagine how you feel. I've had nightmares and sometimes I feel great, other times I'm on the verge of tears.
Stay strong. If you feel like you're going to break down, say a special prayer for her.
I've been making a list of things I want to do with my life and in my life that doesn't involve having her in it. The list is becoming increasingly larger and I am looking forward to those things. It's just difficult when you are still in love with someone to let them go. It's difficult when someone you love is locked into an addiction and they don't recognize it or maybe they do but is unwilling to change. It's difficult when you thought that you were the perfect person for them but maybe they truly weren't the perfect person for you and everything you've invested, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, etc was all in vein.
This is the longest and hardest 2 days no contact with her but I know that nothing good will come out of allowing her to constantly pull at my heart strings only to meet with me, tell me how I ruined her life and took away everything she wanted and that she only has her friends to rely on for comfort and her A to help her cope.
She's sent me several mesages and has called a few times to over the weekend to which I have not responded. Yes, I have read the messages because right now I'm not that strong. Most of her messages are just little things to get a reaction out of me so that she can tell me that she is still shutting off her feelings and that she doesn't know where her life is going, blah, blah, blah. After I didn't respond to the first two messages she then asks if she can come over and pick up something she left (which she never used when she was here the entire time), then she wished me a safe day, then she said that she appreciates me. I'm sure all of these messages were heartfelt deliveries via a neighborhood bar down the street.
The amazing thing is that this weekend, when I forced myself to get out and do something productive, I came across so many people that seemingly volunteered stories of dealing with people in their lives that were A's. Whether they had a relative or an X. Although I am a private person and in the past preferred not to talk about my personal issues I felt compelled to ask questions and then share a little of what I'm going thru. Most of them agreed that they experienced something very similiar and it never got any better. I guess it's my hp's way of saying that if I'm still not convinced that I need to move on with my life then here is more proof. Either way, I'm still listening and still trying to heal. I need to heal for myself, my family, my future family that I still want to have very much, my business, my mental health and my physical health. I feel the toll that this has taken not only on my emotions but my body. Not eating right, not getting proper sleep. I am exercising daily which is another thing that keeps me going but I'm losing weight the unhealthy way and although my problem isn't anything greater than what other's have experienced in their life, it's still my problem and I'm just trying to be stronger than the problem day by day.
Nevertheless I will get over this. I know that time will heal my wounds. I just want to recover in all aspects so that I'm prepared for the next relationship in my life when it comes along and I'm not carrying the emotional scars that are going to come from this rollar coaster relationship. Right now I couldn't even look at another woman with a drink in her hands and not think that she may be an A or that she may have some deep seeded past that will trigger her to become addicted to Alcohol. And that's not a healthy way to go thru life. That's why my list involves doing things mostly by myself so that I can have time to heal emotionally before allowing someone else into my life.
The longest 2 days of NO Contact and counting...
Last edited by Notahappyhour; 07-05-2011 at 07:46 AM. Reason: correction
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Believe me, you're in the company, here, of a lot of folks who truly understand the mesmerizing, gripping, infiltrating enmeshment that happens with addict types and how extraction from it takes us to completely unknown, unfathomable pain levels we never guessed existed.
We are here to tell you WE have SURVIVED that separation and pain, and it DOES GET BETTER!! (I'm not going to sugar coat it; it takes a good long time, though.)
This pain is the codie version of our detox.
Sending support,
CLMI
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
I know its a shot to your self esteem because you are thinking who would choose a liquid over a person???
Please remember this has nothing to do with you. They have abandoned even themselves. The pain is so intense to accept, I know, but you have to understand you are dealing with a chemical and the person is no longer there. They may look like they are still a normal human being on the outside, but inside they have no rational human instincts left until they choose to recover.
Please remember this has nothing to do with you. They have abandoned even themselves. The pain is so intense to accept, I know, but you have to understand you are dealing with a chemical and the person is no longer there. They may look like they are still a normal human being on the outside, but inside they have no rational human instincts left until they choose to recover.
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your intense feelings are normal...she has such disrespect for your relationship that she shares your text responses with her friends??? WHO does that kind of thing????
it looks like she needs to show everyone that she has some sort of "power" over you...when in fact she distroyed her chances at a normal married life with someone who loved her and her children.
Listen to Medea....truer words were never spoken.
it looks like she needs to show everyone that she has some sort of "power" over you...when in fact she distroyed her chances at a normal married life with someone who loved her and her children.
Listen to Medea....truer words were never spoken.
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If you can find time I would really recommend Al-anon. Face to face support from people who 100% get where you are at helps a ton. In the short time since you have been on RS I can tell what a strong person you are. It takes a lot of courage and strength to come so far in such a short amount of time.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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"This pain is the codie version of our detox" - thanks for that catlover
Notahappyhour ---I am in the divorce process from my AH of 20 years. Please save yourself and allow yourself to experience marriage and all it has to offer with someone who can give back to you. You deserve better. You are worth better and happiness can be yours. You are smart to recognize the need to heal and to take this time to recover. Be kind to yourself.
Notahappyhour ---I am in the divorce process from my AH of 20 years. Please save yourself and allow yourself to experience marriage and all it has to offer with someone who can give back to you. You deserve better. You are worth better and happiness can be yours. You are smart to recognize the need to heal and to take this time to recover. Be kind to yourself.
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Originally Posted by Notahappyhour
Nevertheless I will get over this. I know that time will heal my wounds. I just want to recover in all aspects so that I'm prepared for the next relationship in my life when it comes along and I'm not carrying the emotional scars that are going to come from this rollar coaster relationship. Right now I couldn't even look at another woman with a drink in her hands and not think that she may be an A or that she may have some deep seeded past that will trigger her to become addicted to Alcohol. And that's not a healthy way to go thru life. That's why my list involves doing things mostly by myself so that I can have time to heal emotionally before allowing someone else into my life.
The longest 2 days of NO Contact and counting...
The longest 2 days of NO Contact and counting...
You're going about things in the right way. I'm the same was as you. I'm so freaked out about someone's family history of abuse. My ex was extremely honest with me and told me early on. I have no one to blame but myself.
I'm trying to get myself going back to church. You always feel better when you feel like someone is watching over you.
Although this is tough you're doing the right thing. Hopefully, you're fiance will see that she has a problem and she'll realize it took a lot of strength by you to confront her and end the relationship b/c you want her to get better.
Sometimes when you really love someone you have to be willing to let them go. It sucks but this is what helps me. I'm so much better now than 2 weeks ago but I still get sad.
I wish you nothing but the best in this journey!
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The intensity is picking up with her myriad of text messages, emails and calls. Now she is saying that she realizes alcohol played a part in our breakup and she won't promise that she will stop drinking because "that's just a part of her" (exact words). She says she knows how to cut back and not drink as much and for a time she didn't even allow alcohol in the house and didn't drink for a long period of time and will do that again if we are back together.
I'm repeating her message verbatim...Since I've not responded she is constantly making requests to come over to pick up things that she left and said that she didn't need because she never used it, saying her father wants a few items that are still in the house (which there is nothing), saying she is going to call the police to see if I'm okay if I don't respond, saying that I must be in another relationship and she can't believe I would ignore her, saying that she loves me (which is something I haven't heard from her in two months since our broken engagment because she didn't want to tell me what I wanted to hear because I ruined her life), telling me that the kids are asking about me and my parents to which she would always yell at me when I asked about the kids responding "what do you care? They're not yours."
It's wearing but I see the game she's playing. I haven't had this much attention from her since we broke off the engagement. Yes StevieWonder I definitely think I have someone watching over me because they didn't allow me to get involved in this marriage and I saw the light prior to moving forward. I was against living together before getting married but I'm very glad that I did.
I'm repeating her message verbatim...Since I've not responded she is constantly making requests to come over to pick up things that she left and said that she didn't need because she never used it, saying her father wants a few items that are still in the house (which there is nothing), saying she is going to call the police to see if I'm okay if I don't respond, saying that I must be in another relationship and she can't believe I would ignore her, saying that she loves me (which is something I haven't heard from her in two months since our broken engagment because she didn't want to tell me what I wanted to hear because I ruined her life), telling me that the kids are asking about me and my parents to which she would always yell at me when I asked about the kids responding "what do you care? They're not yours."
It's wearing but I see the game she's playing. I haven't had this much attention from her since we broke off the engagement. Yes StevieWonder I definitely think I have someone watching over me because they didn't allow me to get involved in this marriage and I saw the light prior to moving forward. I was against living together before getting married but I'm very glad that I did.
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Originally Posted by Notahappyhour
It's wearing but I see the game she's playing. I haven't had this much attention from her since we broke off the engagement. Yes StevieWonder I definitely think I have someone watching over me because they didn't allow me to get involved in this marriage and I saw the light prior to moving forward. I was against living together before getting married but I'm very glad that I did.
Also, I have 3 friends who got divorced and they all said the same thing. We should have lived together!!
Notahappyhour I know hearing from her sucks. We're here for you. I know it tugs at your heart strings.....
You have to look at things like this. You're a great catch and when you were together she didn't take advantage of it. It's obvious that booze has a higher priority right now in her life. Nothing against you but she's an addict. Booze is number 1 in her life over family, kids, friends, fiances, etc. You're all in the same boat.
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she's in "panic or bargain mode"along with dragging out "the kids asking for you"....her control power is gone....what will she tell her friends???? It's a shame she treated you so craptastic...Now who will pick up her bar tab? what you typed out is really transparent even to a stranger.
for myself, I cannot be in a relationship with any man who does not respect me..The same should be for all of us. what's that old saying??? "Do unto Others, as you would have them do unto you"????
you were extremely patient as you tried to work on this relationship after she kept staying out all night while she lived with you...Now when she stays out all night, what are her parents going to think? That she is a stellar mother?
I thank God that I never married Mr. Fandy, his gambling debts and IRS penalties would have become mine too....******{shudder}}}}} I have worked too hard to get ahead and live comfortably to lose it all...Romantic? no...but there is a lot to be said for not worrying about practical living expenses.
i hope you feel better tomorrow!
for myself, I cannot be in a relationship with any man who does not respect me..The same should be for all of us. what's that old saying??? "Do unto Others, as you would have them do unto you"????
you were extremely patient as you tried to work on this relationship after she kept staying out all night while she lived with you...Now when she stays out all night, what are her parents going to think? That she is a stellar mother?
I thank God that I never married Mr. Fandy, his gambling debts and IRS penalties would have become mine too....******{shudder}}}}} I have worked too hard to get ahead and live comfortably to lose it all...Romantic? no...but there is a lot to be said for not worrying about practical living expenses.
i hope you feel better tomorrow!
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Originally Posted by StevieWonder
How is the no contact going notahappyhour?
She's sending me messages "that it means something to her for me to tell her how I feel towards her", which I don't even understand what that means anymore quite honestly. I think it just gives her an excuse that she can go out and drink and that I will still be there for her when she decides she's ready to slow down and focus on a relationship.
That's my story. Otherwise, I'm just constantly trying to work on myself and be with my friends in non drinking situations.
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That's good you're still holding strong. I haven't heard a peep from my ex which saddens me, yet makes me happy....if that makes any sense.
I was worried that you may give in b/c she's calling and texting you. Thanks for the update. I'm in the same boat as you...I'm just trying to work on myself as well.
I was worried that you may give in b/c she's calling and texting you. Thanks for the update. I'm in the same boat as you...I'm just trying to work on myself as well.
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