vujade

ESH today.

I don't know what is going on. I have always felt like such a "together" kind of girl. You know...save the world crap. And even when I couldn't save the world, I always felt like I could save myself. I'm not feeling that so much these days.

In the past week, I have come to see myself for who I am. I'm an addict. Rayn's post really got me thinking about people's DOC and wondering exactly what mine is. The bottom line: my DOC is people in trouble (yes...I know this is the definition of codependent but I think the realization just fully hit me as to how it applies to me). A few weeks ago, a coworker came to me and said "I have a problem and you always know what to do." (HA!!!! Yeah...for other people I do! LOL) And boy, did I! I was full of thoughts on why she should ditch the guy who is separated but still married and has had three affairs and makes her feel guilty for wanting to define their relationship. Sigh... Boy did I.

I'm trying to figure out why this DOC is so powerful for me. Does it get me off to "help" people? Does it act as a diversion from my own problems and issues (that I conveniently ignore when I'm in full-on help mode)? It's so similar to the effect of ingesting a mood altering substance for me. I feel so GOOD when I'm helping someone but then later I turn around and look at what I'm ignoring in my own life and feel stress and guilt. I feel like a liar when I'm giving financial advice to someone knowing that my own finances are in shambles.

I've been blaming the chaos in my life on so many things. My kids' crazy schedules, my ex not living up to his parental and financial obligations, rigorous band practice schedule, being busy at work, etc, etc, etc. But I suddenly realized...the chaos is there because of ME! I do have a crazy schedule, we ARE busy at work. But that means I should be retaining my positive energy for ME...not giving it away to other people. Not trying to help them find solutions for their issues. I need to clean my OWN house and ONLY that house. And when its clean, I need to focus on maintaining the order...not assume it will keep itself in order.

Here is where I am struggling. And I know this is not rational but it is honestly how I'm feeling... How much time have I wasted? Has my adult life to this point been a complete farce? This strong, capable, helpful woman I've been so proud of being...she's just a facade???? I know I can't change the events of the past but I'm seriously having a hard time trusting my own feelings and impulses. What I once felt was compassion now feels like my bottle.

Did any of you go through this phase when truly facing and accepting what codependency meant for you? I'm feeling tons of regret and remorse. Instead of feeling grateful that I have reached this plateau, I'm feeling sad and lonely.

I don't want to be the girl who saved the world anymore. I just want to be the girl who saved herself.

Shellcrusher

Yes. It was a revelation for me to understand what my role is in my house. I'm a codie.
I guess reading some books like Codependent No More - Melody Beattie and continued education here or elsewhere is a big help.
Like anything else, once you realize what's going on, you can start taking some action on it. SR is a great place for practice and action.

skippernlilg

Yes!! This was my biggest codependent wake up realization, too. I had to laugh at myself for being so critical of my mom, Queen Codie, for her codependency, and I sure wanted to FIX her!!! That was the moment of truth for me and it was very recently.

I'm also talented, I must say, at identifying everyone else's problems and finding them solutions, and have felt lost in helping myself. I noticed that my focus was not helping anyone in the long run, and it was hurting me and my son.

What now? Well, I did read "Codependent No More" as Shell has suggested above, and now digging into other Melody Beattie books. Her writing just talks to my inner spirit very well. I've increased my devotional and my meditation times. I've increased my physical activity times. I've learned to be nice to myself a little bit.

Now, when someone comes to me with a problem, I think about where I am first. If I need some time for myself, I tell my friend, "hmmmm, that sounds like a very tricky problem, and I'll need time to think about it." Then, if it's something I can give someone a resource for, I will, but I keep my judgements and opinions about someone else to a minimum.

My SIL just called me the other day about her annoying ex and their court time. I listened. She wasn't sure how to handle the visitation portion, and I have had a whole lot of experience with that. She was talking about my nephews and how their summer would be spent, so I paused, and said, "You are a good mother. You will know what's right for them when you give yourself time to think about it." And that was all.

Old Codie Skipper would have given her the legal-eze to fight that jerk and tell her to keep those precious kids away from him as much as possible!!! (what does that solve)

Shellcrusher

I also think, but haven't read it anywhere, that codies are empaths. I am one for sure.
I can walk into a room and feel someones energy without even getting near them or hearing them say anything. I'm usually never wrong.

Not a bad trait if you ask me.

m1k3

I have been working on using a word that we codies have a hard time with. Its "no". Even if I just say it to my self. No, that's not my problem, no, I don't have any time to handle that and the hardest of all no, I don't feel like doing that.

Its very empowering.

Your friend,

Sylvie66

Oh, yeah! And to make it worse, some of us were trained to be that way (Read "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Bitch", about 'toxic niceness'.) AND we're expected to and admired for keeping it up, AND people get mad when we stop doing for everyone else. The pressure is intense, and some of us (most of us?) have self-esteem issues to begin with. Sigh.

I figure it's not the first, last, or worst, poorly-received decision I make in my life. I'm not in this to be popular. I'm in it to serve my higher power. And I can't do that if I'm putting out fires for everyone else as my own house burns to the ground.

Some of us (well, okay, me) are slow learners. I'm 45. If I live to be 105, I have the next 60 years to get it right. Or right-er. Quality counts, especially in this venue!

It's astonishing to me how much more free time I seem to have, now that I'm not saving the world.

- Sylvie

theuncertainty

I don't think that this realization makes you any less of a strong, capable, helpful woman. Quite the opposite, IMO, I think it reinforces it. Now that it's a known variable, you can work with that knowledge and focus your strength and energy where it will do you the most good.

:ghug3

lillamy

Sounds a bit familiar.

I've dug down in therapy and figured out where this comes from, that I've really been prone to codependency since I was 4 or so and my mother was suffering from a long string of health problems... which was then replaced by my younger sister being born with multiple health problems... and I learned to take up as little space as possible and have as few needs as possible and be quiet and entertain myself and get my mother another glass of water. The fact that my mother recovered and spent the rest of my childhood kicking a$$ and taking names didn't matter much -- I had already established my identity as The One Whose Mission In Life It Is To Help Others. (My therapist calls it "The Atlas Complex" -- everything's on my shoulders, my responsibility, and my fault, especially other people's emotional states.)

For me, it's not that "helping" other people helps me avoid helping myself. It's more that it's how I define myself. It's how I've defined myself since I was a kid and was told how GOOD I was because I put my own needs and wants last. If I'm not the go-to person for advice, who am I? It's a little bit of the same adjustment I had when I had my first baby and became a stay-at-home mom and lost my professional identity (although much stronger).

Then you can choose to take a step back. And assess what is compassion and what is obsession. It's a scary step to take, because it's a step that can make you feel a bit identity-less.

Freedom1990

Yes, I've gone through that several times in recovery from codependency. I think part of my sadness is in knowing I am changing, and saying goodbye to a part of me that was there for a long long time.

Sending you gentle hugs from very hot and humid Kansas!

vujade

Wow. You nailed that, Shell! I was just telling someone last night that I physically feel other people's pain. I once was in a room with a couple who were nearing the end of their marriage. I didn't know that and I barely knew the couple. However, I felt my chest get tight and my heart started racing. I felt like I just had to get out of the room. Then a word flashed in my head..."contempt". UGH.

That is a very interesting theory...we feel a need to fix others' pain because we feel it.

m1k3

That's funny, not haha, but I'm just the opposite. I have very little empathy for other people and have trouble telling what they are feeling beyond a gross level. I have lots of compassion and can understand that they hurt, but the empathy just isn't there. Might be a result of my AF.

dollydo

At one of my meetings, someone pointed out that codependents are closet people pleasers, might be right.

vujade

Thanks everyone. Very helpful thoughts. I've read Melody Beatty like crazy and without her books, I would have never made it to this point. The crazy thing is, I accepted some time ago that I am codependent. However, it seems that only now am I realizing the depth of what that means for me as a person.

Thanks for the other perspective. Sometimes when you are down on yourself, you forget to look at the positive aspects of even a less-than-ideal situation. It takes strength and courage for us all to face our realities, huh?

I have, at times, found myself hurt when a friend didn't share her problems with me and ask for advice. Honestly, I want to learn to look at it as a relief from taking on other people's stress. It DOES weigh me down. I worry about people. I toss their problems around in my head at night. I worry about the outcomes. I don't NEED that...I have my own angst that I'm ignoring when I do that.

Such a helpful point, Freedom! Someone mentioned in another thread that as people in recovery change, so does their recovery. Along with that, I would imagine, so our perception of ourselves when we were in active and unrecognized addiction. I look back and feel sad for the girl who missed out on so much laughter and freedom as a young person...who made a poor choice in a husband and a co-parent. Time that is lost and things that can't be undone. But you are right. I feel sad mostly for that girl...the one who has to leave.

And BTW, Freedom...at this end of the yellow brick road, it is 78 degrees and pretty dry. Weird, huh?

Shellcrusher

Exactly the opposite. I lack compassion.

Freedom1990

97 degrees and still climbing on my end! Gads!

Tally

I don't think there's anything wrong with giving friends advice or a shoulder to cry on. The problem starts when you're doing it and not focusing on yourself, neglecting your own issues to focus on others or focusing on others so you can continue to neglect your own issues. It's good that you've identified that already. It doesn't have to be huge, don't let it engulf you, just take it one day at a time. Write a list of your issues.
Then write down ideas on how to sort your issues out. Eventually it will seem a lot more manageable.

Tuffgirl

I have developed a new tactic since I seem to be the "go to problem solver". I listen. And then I ask what they think a solution is. And I listen some more. And I ask them to expand on their own thoughts. And I listen some more. I nod my head. I make empathetic noises. And I keep my mouth shut while they figure it out themselves.

Amazingly, it works!

And when they get out of my office/house/personal space, I go back to my own life with no more thought about it.

m1k3

I see my codie behavior of wanting to fix other peoples problems as a way to avoid trying to fix mine. The more I work on my recovery the desire to fix others is fading.

Its that fear thing again. I was afraid to work on myself because that is painful and because I might not like what I found. That was only half right. It is painful but I like what I am finding. I like me, especially the me I am becoming.

SoloMio

That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. It sucks. AH left for his usual lunch hour at the local tavern--he has a new watering hole now because the last one closed. This new place is really nice actually. Great menu, affordable, nice ambience. Just my kind of place.

He texted me a couple of hours ago and asked me to do a favor and then said, "And then why don't you meet me here for dinner."

Of all the little slips I may have had since my codie rehab in March/April, I have not slipped in my resolve not to go drinking with him. This was dinner, but he's already been drinking, and he would certainly continue if I joined him.

So I said no.

So he texted back saying, well then, how about having just a glass of wine with me (Duh, doesn't he get it?? I'd rather have dinner, but I won't under these circumstances).

So I said no thanks.

OK, and here's where I have to work out the kinks. If I really were recovering as a codie, I'd feel good about my choice, and I'd go find a yoga class or something to go to. But I feel lonely. I'd love to go out tonight and have a nice dinner at a nice restaurant. I have to tell myself that if I did accept his offer, chances are we'd end up fighting so it wouldn't be fun anyway, but that doesn't keep me from feeling deprived right now.

I did stop at the farm stand and get stuff to make gazpacho, and I bought some herbs to plant, but it somehow doesn't match the imagined fun that's still playing out in my brain, and my feeling that it's not fair that "recovery" for me means him having fun and me being at home alone.

Thank you for this thread. Perfect for me right now

m1k3

Solo, quick question for you. Why not go and find a yoga class or have a nice diner somewhere else?

Your friend,