I'm having a rough time and would appreciate your

Old 06-24-2011, 01:53 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Solo, quick question for you. Why not go and find a yoga class or have a nice diner somewhere else?
That's what I mean by working out the kinks--you are absolutely right. Maybe I will do that, but because I'm early in my codie rehab, I'm allowing myself a little wallow on the pity pot
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:02 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Isn't the crucial distinction whether we are helping with something someone could do for themself?

If I want to use my skills and training to help someone I love and I'm not guilted or conned into doing it, it makes me happy. A GOOD kind of happy with no accompanying resentment or anger.

Its when the qualifier in my life (my exah) would con me or guilt me into doing something for him that he could be doing for himself that I exhibit codependent behavior. Or if I have to help someone get out of the same jam more than one, I feel the anger or resentment creep in.

Doing good for the sake of doing good when it's done freely and from the heart is a good thing. We don't want to throw the baby out wtih the bathwater, ya know?

Good thread...thanks for posting.
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:04 PM
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My current hobby is jiu-jitsu. I explain it to people like this " It is non cooperative partners yoga. We are each trying to bend the other person into positions they don't want to be in while they are doing the same."
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:22 PM
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I am new to the forum so for a little background. I have been working my own recovery from an ED for the last 11 years and have learned so much about myself. Almost immediately in that recovery process I was introduced to Co-dependent No More and saw myself. I worked hard on huge pieces of that and felt like I had come a long way. I met my exAH about three years into my own recovery and we started our life together with me very well aware that I had stuff, but completely unaware that he did (we all do).

A few weeks after getting married his disease became apparent. Even with exposure and my own work I continued to take on his stuff (and that of others). Was it better than before I started my own work....YES! Was it still acting out my CODIE stuff....you bet!

It has only been the last few months (after confronting his disease, divorcing his disease, starting Al-anon work, and really trusting my own recovery and process) that I was able to actually sit with what my behavior had done for me. Prior to this I never realized I had another option but behaving in the way I did with his disease. Though far from perfect I am adjusting my behavior based on many options/choices with him but also with others in my life. For me CODIE behaviors are a perfect example of progress not perfection and trusting my journey.

What a great question...thanks for it.


Now I realize I have options
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Old 06-24-2011, 03:02 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I think there is a balance that we can reach. Rather than fixing somebody's problems for them, you can listen, and then say, "What do you think you should do?" I have tried that with my AM and RABF lately, and it seems to work. They seem to respond well, and it keeps me out of giving them advice. I want to keep my empathy for people, without getting involved in their situation. It's one thing to say to someone, "I'm sorry you are going through this." It is another thing, if I am thinking about their problem when I'm at home and need to be taking care of myself.

It sounds like you have a real gift in terms of being someone who people want to talk to. It sounds like you need to set some boundaries as to how much you will allow people to "dump" on you. Also, work on saying, "What do you think you should do."

Also, if these are not two-way relationships, then maybe you should spend less time with them? I know they go to you with their problems, but do they listen when you have a problem?

My opinion is that you don't have to completely give up who you were to become the person you want to be.
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Old 06-24-2011, 10:30 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I don't every try to fix someone's problems because my natural tendency is to want to fix them. Meaning, I'd do it in a heartbeat but I know that I struggle with this. I realize it comes from my not wanting to focus on my own life, work on the things I need to.

I chose a career that is just about helping others but I can detach easily from those issues. My own? Oh lord help me.

There is nothing wrong with helping others. It can be therapeutic in the right settings but when we sacrifice our own well being, our own values and we pay too big a price for helping, that is when it becomes a problem.
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