MayaandMe

I have been thinking about detaching a lot lately.

I am wondering, after you learn how to detach, is that the way you maintain your relationships?

Doesn't detaching mean that I take care of myself and the other person takes care of themselves? Isn't that the healthiest way to be in all relationships?

I think of enmeshment as the opposite of detachment, is that the right idea?

I am curious how your recovery has affected other relationships in your lives, not just with the A, but with your kids, your friends, families, colleagues etc.

Thanks!

skippernlilg

This is something I'm learning as I go, and I've noticed some improvements in many areas.

Pausing before speaking or making a decision has helped me tremendously. I am responsible for what I say, and a reaction isn't always the best reaction! I don't get that tightening in my gut like I used to when someone says something that strikes my ears with the wrong chord.

Meditating on what's really important TO ME has brought me miles and miles. I don't look for outside validation for my good decisions, even if I wasn't confident in them at first. I think that's normal for everyone, even the 'normal' people.

Specifically, I have detached by not questioning my exABF's behaviors. If I think the littlest thing, like getting the car inspected, could have been done more efficiently, I think it in my head, and I don't voice my opinion about HIS car. If I think he could be going to AA, working the 12 steps, and then everything would be A-ok, I just think it, or talk to you guys about it, but leave it to him to find his own path. I don't wait for an apology if someone crosses me in a way they shouldn't, I just set up boundaries for myself so that there is limited crossing-me exposure.

I just met with my exABF last night for a farewell. He's moving across the country to be with his brother and his family to get his head on straight. I know it doesn't matter if he's in Texas or Timbuktu where he finds his recovery, but it's for HIM to learn it. It's not for me to decide that for him. And who knows? His HP has something for him, and he's got to get through whatever he's got to get through. My path is getting through what I'm going through, too, and I'm working on that. I can do that and say, "I love you" to him with a clear conscience. I do love him. But I can't do any of this for him. He has to.

I've learned not to judge for other people, basically, and to work on my side of the street. I've learned to help children only with childish things and leave the grown ups to do their thing. If I don't like something going on around me, I stop, look, and listen. To my heart, my higher power, my mentors, my instincts, and I come up with something that will work for Me, with a clear head.

Does that make any sense? I could be rambling a bit.

MayaandMe

Makes tons of sense! Thanks!

Neither or my parents were emotionally available enough to show me what a healthy relationship looks like. Through recovery I am noticing that even with my daughter, sometimes I allow myself to "absorb" her emotion and not allow her to own her emotions, thoughts, and behaviors and me to own mine. She is little and I am glad to be learning this now, but it has been eye-opening for me and pretty embarrassing to think of the many times I have reacted to her instead of thoughtfully acting. I am afraid I was enmeshed with her and now I am detaching...would that make sense? Obviously my feelings for her are the same as always, I am just trying to allow her to be herself more... I am not sure exactly how to explain it.

Freedom1990

You are making perfect sense to me!

It's hard not to take on the emotions of our own children. Today my 23-year-old daughter called me sobbing from work. She was just having a bad day, one of those where it's not just one thing, but an accumulation that results in a meltdown.

I can listen and have empathy. I can tell her I'll give her a big hug when she stops by to pick up her dog. I can't however take away her pain, nor would I. She's made not only poor choices in boyfriends, but in friends also, and the current meltdown is the result of that.

You are so blessed to have this awareness while your daughter is little, my dear! You're doing great!

NYCDoglvr

For me it was a process ... I had to work on letting the other person go, I had to work on myself and build my own life up. I think that detachment doesn't mean you don't care, it means you've decided not to engage in the drama of an alcoholic.

Babyblue

I found this chestnut on the innerwebs helpful:

"Healthy relationships are thought to be described by the space between enmeshment and detachment."

On one end of the spectrum you can completely detach from someone, live your life and not give a hoot about them or their lives but I think most on here are familiar with the term "detachment with love".

To me detachment with love means I have feelings for the person, maybe even strong feelings but I don't let my feelings override the relationship or become a means to control someone's actions.

It allows them to live their life even if the choices they make cause problems for them, it is their problem to fix, not mine.

The actions of people closest do often affect us but it is what we chose to do with the way it affects us that matters.