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Rings and things

Old 06-23-2011, 12:35 PM
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Rings and things

I'm just unloading some emotional baggage, thanks for bearing with me (kinda long sorrry!). My background is that I have been going NC with XABF for a month now.

Over last weekend I went to visit the northeast to check out the area I will soon be moving to. I was feeling very scared and lonely in the new and unfamiliar environment for a number of reasons. I was feeling down thinking about how XABF and I had talked about him moving out there in the near future. My emotions really culminated on Sunday while I was flying back home with my mom. I was upset because it was father's day (I lost my father a few years ago to cancer) and also as mom and I had gotten into a big argument. I was so upset I was in tears on the plane.

I managed to get it together somewhat during the flight though by reading some good literature (special posts from SR that I had!) saved on my phone. I also tried to communicate better with mom and at least got to a bearable state.

Flash forward to when the flight lands. I was sooo glad to be back in the comfort of Southern California once again! I turn on my phone when we are taxiing and look down to be greeted out of nowhere by a text from XABF. Great. It said,

"Hey I hope your trip to the northeast was fun. I just wanted to wish you a happy fathers day and in his honor I found his ring. I hope all is well with you".

Blegh. Blegh. Blegh. It was so out of nowhere yet the timing of it all couldn't have been more ironic. I didn't respond.

It's just been kind of ticking me off now because I didn't want to hear anything at all from him and even think about it, but now I've subconsciously found myself doing just that. The last two nights in a row I dreamt about him (good and bad). He's soo annoying! My favorite part of it all is that he is still so delusional that he almost wants to make himself sound NOBLE or something for finding my dad's ring. The ring which I had given to him during rehab and had asked to GET BACK for so long to no avail. It's a really important ring to me as my father is no longer around and I'm working on how best to deal with the situation and him.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 06-23-2011, 04:09 PM
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I would ask for the ring back. It means more to you than to him. Have him mail it to you. If he doesn't, let it go. It isn't worth getting yourself all wrapped up in him again.
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Old 06-23-2011, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by lexiecat View Post
i would ask for the ring back. It means more to you than to him. Have him mail it to you. If he doesn't, let it go. It isn't worth getting yourself all wrapped up in him again.
+1
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Old 06-24-2011, 01:19 AM
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Thanks luvindaisy for your post. That's a good way of looking at it! I'm going to have to utilize that tool because I will have to be in some contact to get my stuff back (my dad's ring and also my old harddrive with important documents and pictures, etc that he has). Those items are very important to me. Even if I don't necessarily want to deal with him anytime soon there will have to be some point however far in the future that I will need to talk to him to get these things.

Whether or not that is truly "no contact" or not doesn't really matter to me. I just need to figure out a way to go about this in the least harmful (to myself) way possible. It's not so much an issue of "if" I guess but more about when and how.
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Old 06-24-2011, 06:56 AM
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Bruingirl, I hope you are feeling better today. Just a thought but you handle your contact trough a 3rd person? That way you can get your stuff but still not have any direct contact. Just be glad the airlines don't charge for emotion baggage (yet). That sounds like it would have been an expensive flight.

Your friend,
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Old 06-24-2011, 09:04 AM
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Mike, yes it would have been a very expensive flight!

I really like the ideas of just having him mail the stuff or letting a third person handle it!

Just to play devil's advocate, since I am moving I have also been thinking about if it would meet worth actually meeting him and trying to have the closure talk we never had? You guys can be honest about that one, is that incredibly stupid of me? I'm moving clear across the country, so it's not like it would be easy for me to get caught up in his BS either. Thoughts? Most importantly I would only want to do that if I got to a place in my recovery good enough for it.

I haven't and am not going to be quick to make any decisions either. I think this is something I need to think about long and hard before I do whatever I end up doing. Thanks all
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Old 06-24-2011, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
so this closure thing - would you be considering it IF he had NOT contacted you? my opinion? you won't get the closure you seek FROM him.....you'll have to do that for yourself.
Very good post. I look at things like this from the perspective of "How does this help my recovery?". If it doesn't I pass. Good example, my SIL's sister is getting married soon and I am invited to the wedding and reception. I believe and he does to that she is an A. She has already announced that she plans on getting hammered at the reception. I thought about it for a while and discussed it with my daughter and I am going to pass. I really don't need any more drama in my life right now.

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Old 06-24-2011, 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I would ask for the ring back. It means more to you than to him. Have him mail it to you. If he doesn't, let it go. It isn't worth getting yourself all wrapped up in him again.
Amen. Another option is to have a third party (mutual friend?) pick it up to avoid the "lost in the mail" excuse.
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Old 06-24-2011, 04:05 PM
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I'd skip the closure and have someone pick up the stuff.
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