Smokig Pot in a Marriage with a Recovering Alcoholic
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What a great thread.
One question, if you were subsitute smoking pot with something else, for instance eating carrots, and your wife were asking the same boundaries to be adhered to, would you?
Just some food for thought..
One question, if you were subsitute smoking pot with something else, for instance eating carrots, and your wife were asking the same boundaries to be adhered to, would you?
Just some food for thought..
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Originally Posted by Seenet 
Yes, we have small children. Further incentive to stay together. Again, I understand your point of view that not engaging in mind-altering substances is reasonable. It is giving me a huge letdown is all.
It is definitely not your JOB to keep your wife sober. You are not responsible for her recovery - she is. Having said that, I wonder why you wouldn't want to be supportive in the ways she has asked of you (and I hear in your posts that you do want to be supportive - you just don't want to give up something that is enjoyable for you. I get that.)
Whether to be resentful of what you would be giving up for the benefit of the marriage - not for her, but for the union and the family, is a choice that you can make. I believe that we can decide how we are going to feel about something. You might think of it like this: My kids need a healthy mom and I can do something to give them that by giving up my weekly pot-smoking.
I suspect that with young children, she resents your checking out and stepping away from the stress of the family while you go hear bands and get high. She probably wants more of a partner in this childrearing gig, and when you leave, she feels alone and abandoned.
These are just my ramblings, and I appreciate the opportunity to explore them.
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher
Also a good reason not to do drugs.
For those who don't have problems with addiction, everything in moderation.
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But, and it's a big BUT...alcohol is legal and pot isn't. That's the huge difference, whether it should be that way or not. People who don't have a drinking problem don't get arrested for having a couple of beers.
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Originally Posted by ANEWAUGUST
What a great thread.
One question, if you were subsitute smoking pot with something else, for instance eating carrots, and your wife were asking the same boundaries to be adhered to, would you?
Just some food for thought..
One question, if you were subsitute smoking pot with something else, for instance eating carrots, and your wife were asking the same boundaries to be adhered to, would you?
Just some food for thought..
If carrots were like my favorite food, it would be tough. I would want to know why, and I might try to work out a compromise.
Also, I would still be operating under the same set of issues I have in my relationship now, so coming from a place where I don't feel like an equal, so being asked to give up carrots would present similar challenges.
But it comes down to this: I have never said I am unwilling to give up marijuana completely. I am trying to: a) understand if I believe that is fair, b) learn more about my role as the spouse of an addict, c) try to get to a place where we both can be at least somewhat happy.
And again, maybe that isn't possible. And if it's not, that doesn't mean I'm ready to give up and leave my family. I am trying to cope with my let down, my feelings of distance from my wife, and the challenges of living with a RA.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
But, and it's a big BUT...alcohol is legal and pot isn't. That's the huge difference, whether it should be that way or not. People who don't have a drinking problem don't get arrested for having a couple of beers.
But that is all an aside anyway because I don't base my personal morality solely on the law. If I did, I also wouldn't support other social changes, such as gay marriage (which I do).
More importantly, the issues with my wife and her addiction/recovery are more important to me anyway. Getting completely drunk nightly in the comfort of my own home is perfectly legal, but would create a problem in my marriage as well. So for me, the marital issues are the focus right now.
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Originally Posted by stella27
Seenet, I hope you realize that I am not picking on you. I just find this thread really interesting for a lot of reasons, one of which is that now that I am OUT of a marriage that was based on "you do what's best for you and I will do what's best for me", my views have really changed and your dilemma is really illuminating to me in that regard.
It is definitely not your JOB to keep your wife sober. You are not responsible for her recovery - she is. Having said that, I wonder why you wouldn't want to be supportive in the ways she has asked of you (and I hear in your posts that you do want to be supportive - you just don't want to give up something that is enjoyable for you. I get that.)
Whether to be resentful of what you would be giving up for the benefit of the marriage - not for her, but for the union and the family, is a choice that you can make. I believe that we can decide how we are going to feel about something. You might think of it like this: My kids need a healthy mom and I can do something to give them that by giving up my weekly pot-smoking.
I suspect that with young children, she resents your checking out and stepping away from the stress of the family while you go hear bands and get high. She probably wants more of a partner in this childrearing gig, and when you leave, she feels alone and abandoned.
These are just my ramblings, and I appreciate the opportunity to explore them.
It is definitely not your JOB to keep your wife sober. You are not responsible for her recovery - she is. Having said that, I wonder why you wouldn't want to be supportive in the ways she has asked of you (and I hear in your posts that you do want to be supportive - you just don't want to give up something that is enjoyable for you. I get that.)
Whether to be resentful of what you would be giving up for the benefit of the marriage - not for her, but for the union and the family, is a choice that you can make. I believe that we can decide how we are going to feel about something. You might think of it like this: My kids need a healthy mom and I can do something to give them that by giving up my weekly pot-smoking.
I suspect that with young children, she resents your checking out and stepping away from the stress of the family while you go hear bands and get high. She probably wants more of a partner in this childrearing gig, and when you leave, she feels alone and abandoned.
These are just my ramblings, and I appreciate the opportunity to explore them.
Regarding child rearing, I am quite certain she doesn't feel that way. I am very much a "hands on" dad, and since we're on the subject, was doing the vast majority of the child rearing/baby managing duties the 6 nights of the week I wasn't high before.
Regarding the concerts, she actually encourages to go and get a night out every once in a while, so that isn't the issue either. My big question to her was: If you're supportive of me going out to concerts, or for me to have the "night off" of kid stuff (which she is, and usually more than once a week), why is it important for me to be sober during those hours? The answer I get is that my being high challenges her sobriety and under any circumstance.
And while I agree to a certain extent that my feelings and my resentment is my own choice, I would argue it isn't it a conscious choice. Right now, I'm trying to cope with it.
In fairness to me, both of us did a "sweep under the rug" approach to her addiction when we decided to be together/get married. Her initial ask of me was "don't drink every night," and "I'll let you know if I need help." My response was, "OK." Well I have learned that it wasn't even scratching the surface. I should have been reading, attending meetings, etc., years and years ago, and perhaps before I proposed marriage. Back in those days, she knew I smoked pot once in a while, and never mentioned any issue with it. We are now paying the price for this approach from before.
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The carrot analogy was shared with me years ago when I was trying to understand the situation I dealing with.
The question was then restated. Would I continue to eat carrots even if my spouse were allergic to them?
An alcoholic has an allergy to alcohol. So, to drink is to trigger that allergic reaction. When in recovery, alcohol can still irritate that allergy. Pot, pills, drugs in general can also irritate or trigger the allergy for the alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic in recovery, that lives with a man that still drinks. He isn't an alcoholic. But, at times his drinking has triggered me. Not that it has made me drink, but, it has triggered different feelings more like resentment for me.
So, for this alcoholic it comes down to what I can live with and still maintain my sobriety and serenity. It was very hard to actually admit that part of me was envious that my husband still drank, and I built up a resentment.
Resentments are not good for people to carry around in general, but, can be deadly for an alcoholic.
So, I had to examine myself, work my program, attend Al-Anon, and work on my co-dependency. I accept that my husband drinks, and I can detach if he gets a little on the sloshy side. That is where we are right now. If it becomes an issue that threatens my sobriety later on, then, I will approach that with him then.
I never asked him to quit drinking. I detach or disengage when he does. But that is my choice.
Maybe..just maybe...your wife is using pot as a control issue, or maybe it is a genuine trigger. Only she knows the answer.
The question was then restated. Would I continue to eat carrots even if my spouse were allergic to them?
An alcoholic has an allergy to alcohol. So, to drink is to trigger that allergic reaction. When in recovery, alcohol can still irritate that allergy. Pot, pills, drugs in general can also irritate or trigger the allergy for the alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic in recovery, that lives with a man that still drinks. He isn't an alcoholic. But, at times his drinking has triggered me. Not that it has made me drink, but, it has triggered different feelings more like resentment for me.
So, for this alcoholic it comes down to what I can live with and still maintain my sobriety and serenity. It was very hard to actually admit that part of me was envious that my husband still drank, and I built up a resentment.
Resentments are not good for people to carry around in general, but, can be deadly for an alcoholic.
So, I had to examine myself, work my program, attend Al-Anon, and work on my co-dependency. I accept that my husband drinks, and I can detach if he gets a little on the sloshy side. That is where we are right now. If it becomes an issue that threatens my sobriety later on, then, I will approach that with him then.
I never asked him to quit drinking. I detach or disengage when he does. But that is my choice.
Maybe..just maybe...your wife is using pot as a control issue, or maybe it is a genuine trigger. Only she knows the answer.
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When you detach, how long until you can 're-attach,' for lack of a better term? I ask because this is not something my wife has brought up to me.
She says she often feels a hatred toward me that eventually subsides.
She says she often feels a hatred toward me that eventually subsides.
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Yikes...a hatred toward you that eventually subsides, IMHO, that is not a healthy emotion, nor is it one that I think is just about smoking pot. I think smoking pot is the smoking gun (sorry, bad pun, I couldn't resist).
I don't have to re-attach with my husband. Detachment is just a tool that I have learned thru Al-Anon, and from working on my co-dependency. I detach when his drinking becomes gets to that stage where he repeats himself and talks a bit louder.See, at the root of this alcoholics problems were alot of other issues that needed to be addressed by other programs and means. I am the daughter of alcoholic, who though quit drinking was a bit of a dry drunk, and a mother who attends Al-Anon.
I realized that I have issues that were outside of AA. AA is about us being powerless over alcohol, people, places and things. Al-Anon is about detachment. Similiar, yet they are different.
I don't know your wifes background, nor how she works her program. Thankfully, I have been guided by a sponsor that knows some of my issues are outside the scope of AA and has no problem guiding me in the direction to seek answers to those issues.
But, the first step was recognizing I had these issues.
Like peeling the layers of an onion, I have had to discover the other areas of my life that are affected by my alcoholism and my other issues.
I don't have to re-attach with my husband. Detachment is just a tool that I have learned thru Al-Anon, and from working on my co-dependency. I detach when his drinking becomes gets to that stage where he repeats himself and talks a bit louder.See, at the root of this alcoholics problems were alot of other issues that needed to be addressed by other programs and means. I am the daughter of alcoholic, who though quit drinking was a bit of a dry drunk, and a mother who attends Al-Anon.
I realized that I have issues that were outside of AA. AA is about us being powerless over alcohol, people, places and things. Al-Anon is about detachment. Similiar, yet they are different.
I don't know your wifes background, nor how she works her program. Thankfully, I have been guided by a sponsor that knows some of my issues are outside the scope of AA and has no problem guiding me in the direction to seek answers to those issues.
But, the first step was recognizing I had these issues.
Like peeling the layers of an onion, I have had to discover the other areas of my life that are affected by my alcoholism and my other issues.
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Do you perceive this as your wife simply protecting her recovery or do you perceive it as her using her recovery as a powerful tool to gain ground in other ways?
I've been all over the map with my feelings on this thread because sometimes I relate to you, and sometimes to her (based on what you share). I'm triggered by her behavior at times, and at other times by yours.
I have no thoughts at all on the answer to the above question but if I were in your shoes I don't think I could make any forward movement at all until I figured it out. I also think I'd probably abstain from using pot, at least in the short term, until I figured it out.
ETA: Hatred is a big word. I've used it and it was a big deal. I'm sorry you are both dealing with so much right now. I apologize if it sounds like I'm over simplifying your situation. I certainly don't think it is simply and most likely entails a lot more then pot, and I know you have said that already too.
I've been all over the map with my feelings on this thread because sometimes I relate to you, and sometimes to her (based on what you share). I'm triggered by her behavior at times, and at other times by yours.
I have no thoughts at all on the answer to the above question but if I were in your shoes I don't think I could make any forward movement at all until I figured it out. I also think I'd probably abstain from using pot, at least in the short term, until I figured it out.
ETA: Hatred is a big word. I've used it and it was a big deal. I'm sorry you are both dealing with so much right now. I apologize if it sounds like I'm over simplifying your situation. I certainly don't think it is simply and most likely entails a lot more then pot, and I know you have said that already too.
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Thumper, you are right, this is a great thread.
When I first read it, as a recovering alkie, my knee jerk reaction was to say of course you quit smoking pot. You do anything to support her recovery, but, I am an alcoholic, and at times my first thought is still about me
But, as with all things in life, when you look below the surface there is something more.
Makes one think..
When I first read it, as a recovering alkie, my knee jerk reaction was to say of course you quit smoking pot. You do anything to support her recovery, but, I am an alcoholic, and at times my first thought is still about me
But, as with all things in life, when you look below the surface there is something more.
Makes one think..
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Originally Posted by Thumper
Do you perceive this as your wife simply protecting her recovery or do you perceive it as her using her recovery as a powerful tool to gain ground in other ways?
I've been all over the map with my feelings on this thread because sometimes I relate to you, and sometimes to her (based on what you share). I'm triggered by her behavior at times, and at other times by yours.
I have no thoughts at all on the answer to the above question but if I were in your shoes I don't think I could make any forward movement at all until I figured it out. I also think I'd probably abstain from using pot, at least in the short term, until I figured it out.
ETA: Hatred is a big word. I've used it and it was a big deal. I'm sorry you are both dealing with so much right now. I apologize if it sounds like I'm over simplifying your situation. I certainly don't think it is simply and most likely entails a lot more then pot, and I know you have said that already too.
I've been all over the map with my feelings on this thread because sometimes I relate to you, and sometimes to her (based on what you share). I'm triggered by her behavior at times, and at other times by yours.
I have no thoughts at all on the answer to the above question but if I were in your shoes I don't think I could make any forward movement at all until I figured it out. I also think I'd probably abstain from using pot, at least in the short term, until I figured it out.
ETA: Hatred is a big word. I've used it and it was a big deal. I'm sorry you are both dealing with so much right now. I apologize if it sounds like I'm over simplifying your situation. I certainly don't think it is simply and most likely entails a lot more then pot, and I know you have said that already too.
And to answer your question as it pertains to my situation, I don't think my wife is consciously using her recovery as a tool to gain ground on other issues, though I did until about a week ago.
Right now I am in a place where I think she has co-dependency issues she is choosing to ignore. I think right now she is having issues with her recovery, and isn't completely owning it. She is using this issue, in part, as a scapegoat.
But that is just my opinion. Apparently, her individual therapist believes I am choosing pot over my family, even given all the details I have previously discussed, even given my active involvement in her sobriety and my recent abstenance. This thearpist believes it should be an all-or-nothing scenario.
So there you go.
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This is where it gets tricky for this alcoholic.
My therapist is of course for me, and will guide me accordingly if I am honest. If I hang my hat on the point of your action of smoking pot, then I believe my therapist, in my best interest would advise me to ask you to stop.
However, I needed to be in a room, with other people who were like me to recover., wether it is AA or Al-Anon. I have come to realize my part in all situations that I face, and that is not always pretty.
From the outside, saying I am a recovering alcoholic who lives with a drinking spouse many would say, ban alcohol from the house, or ask him to stop drinking, etc.
But, working my programs, I am able to live with alcohol in my home and a drinking spouse and not have that be the issue that it would appear to be.
Therapy is different then a 12 step program.
My therapist is of course for me, and will guide me accordingly if I am honest. If I hang my hat on the point of your action of smoking pot, then I believe my therapist, in my best interest would advise me to ask you to stop.
However, I needed to be in a room, with other people who were like me to recover., wether it is AA or Al-Anon. I have come to realize my part in all situations that I face, and that is not always pretty.
From the outside, saying I am a recovering alcoholic who lives with a drinking spouse many would say, ban alcohol from the house, or ask him to stop drinking, etc.
But, working my programs, I am able to live with alcohol in my home and a drinking spouse and not have that be the issue that it would appear to be.
Therapy is different then a 12 step program.
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I really don't understand why she's claiming this is such a danger to her sobriety when
What a line of crap. This is a red flag ten thousand times greater a threat to her sobriety than you-the person in the marriage who is not addicted or alcoholic-occasionally smoking away from your family, when it's on your alone time.
I'll tell her to get her ass to AA, get serious about sobriety and stop manipulating you by claiming your occasional use, whether its freaking illegal or not, is threat. Maybe that's why I'm single...
And I really need to give you props for being so level headed. So many times this thread has turned into claims that you're the one with the problem, (IMHO) snotty accusations that you're an addict. I think it's hypocritical, considering the recent responses to threads about what to do when an A accuses you of having an affair. If an A accuses us of having an affair, we're suppose to just not engage because it's not worth it. Yet you've been accused repeatedly, in various forms, of being an addict, or not caring about your wife. You've handled it like a champ, I say! I would have responded inappropriately by now.
She doesn't go to AA because she says it makes her want to drink.
I'll tell her to get her ass to AA, get serious about sobriety and stop manipulating you by claiming your occasional use, whether its freaking illegal or not, is threat. Maybe that's why I'm single...
And I really need to give you props for being so level headed. So many times this thread has turned into claims that you're the one with the problem, (IMHO) snotty accusations that you're an addict. I think it's hypocritical, considering the recent responses to threads about what to do when an A accuses you of having an affair. If an A accuses us of having an affair, we're suppose to just not engage because it's not worth it. Yet you've been accused repeatedly, in various forms, of being an addict, or not caring about your wife. You've handled it like a champ, I say! I would have responded inappropriately by now.
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Pot being legal isn't the issue here, correct me if I'm wrong, but she never had a problem with it before, and it's been illegal for a long time. I'm not trying to convince you why you should quit smoking, I want to figure out why your wife is asking you to. The real reason. That's why I keep coming back to this thread.
I have to say, the "no AA" sealed the deal for me. She's putting her recovery on you. Even in the trows of full on pot addiction, with that one who had a dent in his couch, I never once said anything like "developing a hatred for you" to him. Falling out of love with you would be one thing, but hating you is like going to the complete other end of the spectrum. Sounds like what someone mentioned 5 pages ago, she is jealous because you can do what you want, and she can't. She's not happy in her recovery, and doesn't want you to be either. That's what I see.
AA and Alanon are about working on ourselves, owning our ****, and taking responsibility over our own lives, choices, and happiness. She is trying to take over yours, and using her sobriety as an excuse to do it.
And I love carrots, and I would still eat them if my husband was allergic. If something someone else is doing has such a negative affect on me, I need to uncover why it is affecting me so much and address that, not ask them to simply stop doing it. That's just controlling, molding others to what I think they should be doing, whether they like it or not.
I have to say, the "no AA" sealed the deal for me. She's putting her recovery on you. Even in the trows of full on pot addiction, with that one who had a dent in his couch, I never once said anything like "developing a hatred for you" to him. Falling out of love with you would be one thing, but hating you is like going to the complete other end of the spectrum. Sounds like what someone mentioned 5 pages ago, she is jealous because you can do what you want, and she can't. She's not happy in her recovery, and doesn't want you to be either. That's what I see.
AA and Alanon are about working on ourselves, owning our ****, and taking responsibility over our own lives, choices, and happiness. She is trying to take over yours, and using her sobriety as an excuse to do it.
And I love carrots, and I would still eat them if my husband was allergic. If something someone else is doing has such a negative affect on me, I need to uncover why it is affecting me so much and address that, not ask them to simply stop doing it. That's just controlling, molding others to what I think they should be doing, whether they like it or not.
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