Smokig Pot in a Marriage with a Recovering Alcoholic
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
...I would have it in the house if I wanted it in the house. It's my house too, and if her recovery is compromised over that and I'm being threatened with it as OP is, I am going to rebel. It's blackmail and controlling on her part, recovery or not.
Her disease is not my disease- it's hers. She has no right to dictate to me, whatsoever, what I can or "should do." If she wants to set a boundary and enforce it, more power to her. Otherwise, she needs to get her focus OFF of me and ONTO herself and her recovery where it belongs.
IMHO, she's f***ing jealous that he can have a beer and a smoke and she can't. Why? Because she can't control it and he can. He can go out have two or three drinks, have a smoke with the boys, and come home, fulfill his responsibilities, hold a job and friends, and live the life of a normie.
It's about one thing and one thing only, control and jealousy on her part.
Dude, do what you want to do because YOU want to do it-- whatever that is. If she has an issue with it than tough ****.
Cyranoak
Her disease is not my disease- it's hers. She has no right to dictate to me, whatsoever, what I can or "should do." If she wants to set a boundary and enforce it, more power to her. Otherwise, she needs to get her focus OFF of me and ONTO herself and her recovery where it belongs.
IMHO, she's f***ing jealous that he can have a beer and a smoke and she can't. Why? Because she can't control it and he can. He can go out have two or three drinks, have a smoke with the boys, and come home, fulfill his responsibilities, hold a job and friends, and live the life of a normie.
It's about one thing and one thing only, control and jealousy on her part.
Dude, do what you want to do because YOU want to do it-- whatever that is. If she has an issue with it than tough ****.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak's sentiments were my initial thoughts when first reading your post. But I changed my mind after further thought.
I have no problems with anyone smoking pot. I personally feel that booze is much more dangerous. However, it sounds like your smoking is compromising her recovery. And if I were in your shoes, especially after living in the chaos of someone in the throes of addiction, it would just not be worth it to me.
Yes, you have the right to do what you want to do. But having been on the other side...wondering why my AH is choosing the booze over his relationship with me...there's just no substance or activity that would be worth risking the relationship (that we used to have) or causing someone I love such pain.
Is there room for compromise? Can you agree to just not be high around her? Visit a friend and get high somewhere else besides at home. Stay there until you come down and straighten up. That way you get your occasional buzz and she doesn't feel the effects or know the difference.
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Triggering makes sense in a lot of ways. I've been thinking on this for awhile. I'm a tobacco smoker and something I've noticed is that I tend to chain smoke when ABF is on one of his binges. Just a random thought here.
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Maybe Alanon for the wife. I feel like her trying to make a comfortable environment for her recovery is a longer way of saying 'manipulation'. I guess I can't tell if it's an actual boundary, or manipulation.
"... it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the pothead is still smoking or not."
"... it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the pothead is still smoking or not."
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Originally Posted by kittykitty
Maybe Alanon for the wife. I feel like her trying to make a comfortable environment for her recovery is a longer way of saying 'manipulation'. I guess I can't tell if it's an actual boundary, or manipulation.
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I've got a real interest in this thread, as I am the recovering alcoholic, and my hubby is the pot smoker (as well as a bottle of red wine a night). I have to say, I sympathize with your partner. I have never really been a pot smoker - but I do smoke cigarettes - but with him smoking around me, I have had the thought of 'hmm, I've done so very well quitting booze, well done me..but something is missing - I could do THAT instead'. It's a gnarly thought that bugs me.
Also, I get annoyed that I am putting so much time, effort and commitment into staying sober and he is still doing exactly as he pleases. I quit drinking for many reasons, and one of them was to improve our relationship, which was going quickly down the pan, mostly because of my attitude when I was drinking. Now he spends his nights buzzed on pot and playing his guitar for hours on end, and I have to stay away. The space between us has never been bigger.
Not only that..he's a boring old sod after a couple of joints. He talks AT me for hours on end, it's not a conversation and it's dull, all about himself with no attempt at finding out my opinion on anything at all. It's either nonsense, or stuff I have no interest in or technical guitar/work stuff that he knows is beyond my understanding. I don't want to spend my sober time listening to the stoned ramblings of someone who is completely self obsessed anymore - it was easier when I was drinking as I wasn't completely present either.
So, to sum it up, I also love him less each time he does it. It may be a mix of resentment, jealousy and dissatisfaction, but ultimately I feel, it's because I'm now sober and I'm sad that I'm leaving him behind.
Also, I get annoyed that I am putting so much time, effort and commitment into staying sober and he is still doing exactly as he pleases. I quit drinking for many reasons, and one of them was to improve our relationship, which was going quickly down the pan, mostly because of my attitude when I was drinking. Now he spends his nights buzzed on pot and playing his guitar for hours on end, and I have to stay away. The space between us has never been bigger.
Not only that..he's a boring old sod after a couple of joints. He talks AT me for hours on end, it's not a conversation and it's dull, all about himself with no attempt at finding out my opinion on anything at all. It's either nonsense, or stuff I have no interest in or technical guitar/work stuff that he knows is beyond my understanding. I don't want to spend my sober time listening to the stoned ramblings of someone who is completely self obsessed anymore - it was easier when I was drinking as I wasn't completely present either.
So, to sum it up, I also love him less each time he does it. It may be a mix of resentment, jealousy and dissatisfaction, but ultimately I feel, it's because I'm now sober and I'm sad that I'm leaving him behind.
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Wow, newwings, what a crappy situation. Congratulations on staying the course, and doing what it best for you.
I also, dated a man that always smoked pot. Every day. I found him lazy, messy, irresponsible, and boring. He never wanted to go out and socialize. Dishes were left in the sink for days at a time (we didn't live together, you KNOW that ain't happenin under my roof ). His couch had a permanent dent in it. Seriously. A dent from where he sat, usually slept because he would pass out after eating ice cream at midnight. What a turn off.
It's just not fun being around it, unless you are doing it. That's the simple truth for me.
I also, dated a man that always smoked pot. Every day. I found him lazy, messy, irresponsible, and boring. He never wanted to go out and socialize. Dishes were left in the sink for days at a time (we didn't live together, you KNOW that ain't happenin under my roof ). His couch had a permanent dent in it. Seriously. A dent from where he sat, usually slept because he would pass out after eating ice cream at midnight. What a turn off.
It's just not fun being around it, unless you are doing it. That's the simple truth for me.
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Originally Posted by MissChievous
Is there room for compromise? Can you agree to just not be high around her? Visit a friend and get high somewhere else besides at home. Stay there until you come down and straighten up. That way you get your occasional buzz and she doesn't feel the effects or know the difference.
In the scenario you described about visiting a friend, I think that's a fair compromise. The only issue is that she would like to limit those instances to a couple of times a year, whereas I would prefer much more than that. I am hoping there is room to compromise on that one.
We talked for hours about this last night, in fact. I told her I was posting/reading a forum about it, and that different folks' experiences/points of view were helping. At this point, there is very little anger between us. Instead, there is hesitance and sadness. And hope.
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p
Hi, Seenet. It's Rayn--the original, or at least most recent, poster about Mary Jane.
Your wife and I are not alike in the sense that I am not an addict nor a recovering addict, but since we both seem to be "repulsed" by the idea of our partner's pot smoking, I thought I'd share my perspective in the hopes that it may give you insight into what she may be feeling.
I came to the realization that my anxiety about my ABF's marijuana use has less to do with what actually transpires when he's high and more to do with bad experiences I've had with substance abuse, in general, and marijuana use, more particularly, in the past. In my younger days, I experimented with pot and had a very bad, paranoid reaction once: I somehow managed to convince myself that I was going to die. Ever since then, I've been biased against pot. Second, I have a friend (ex-roommate) who is a bonafide pothead, smoking every day for every excuse she can think of. While we were living together, I started to take her smoking personally since she never seemed to be able to spend any time with me without being stoned. Finally, the episodes that took place while ABF was actively drinking have obviously left a bad taste in my mouth about his using anything.
It is only within the past few days or so that I realized that I am projecting my past experiences and my fears onto my boyfriend. His pot use may or may not result in the same type of psychologically traumatizing incident that I experienced. His pot use may or may not be the same habitual stoner type of behavior as my ex-roommate. His pot smoking may or may not result in the same type of behavior as I witnessed while he was drinking. The truth is, nothing bad has transpired because of his recent misadventures, and until any of my fears become a reality, I need to learn to keep those fears and my desire to control him in check.
It sounds to me, as others have pointed out, that your wife's compulsion to control your pot smoking is driven by fear. Perhaps she is afraid that it will trigger her, and she will want to drink again. Perhaps the increase in the frequency of your use makes her fear that you will become addicted like her. Perhaps she is afraid that based on what she has learned in her recovery, she cannot respect you if you use (which is how I interpret her "I love you less" comment). Perhaps she is afraid that it will create a rift in your relationship, which it seems to be doing already.
As is the case in any relationship, what seems most important to me here is that we keep lines of communication open. Sometimes compromise takes patience and time, and just because something has been discussed or even settled once doesn't mean it cannot be re-examined again and again until both parties are satisfied. Best of luck.
Your wife and I are not alike in the sense that I am not an addict nor a recovering addict, but since we both seem to be "repulsed" by the idea of our partner's pot smoking, I thought I'd share my perspective in the hopes that it may give you insight into what she may be feeling.
I came to the realization that my anxiety about my ABF's marijuana use has less to do with what actually transpires when he's high and more to do with bad experiences I've had with substance abuse, in general, and marijuana use, more particularly, in the past. In my younger days, I experimented with pot and had a very bad, paranoid reaction once: I somehow managed to convince myself that I was going to die. Ever since then, I've been biased against pot. Second, I have a friend (ex-roommate) who is a bonafide pothead, smoking every day for every excuse she can think of. While we were living together, I started to take her smoking personally since she never seemed to be able to spend any time with me without being stoned. Finally, the episodes that took place while ABF was actively drinking have obviously left a bad taste in my mouth about his using anything.
It is only within the past few days or so that I realized that I am projecting my past experiences and my fears onto my boyfriend. His pot use may or may not result in the same type of psychologically traumatizing incident that I experienced. His pot use may or may not be the same habitual stoner type of behavior as my ex-roommate. His pot smoking may or may not result in the same type of behavior as I witnessed while he was drinking. The truth is, nothing bad has transpired because of his recent misadventures, and until any of my fears become a reality, I need to learn to keep those fears and my desire to control him in check.
It sounds to me, as others have pointed out, that your wife's compulsion to control your pot smoking is driven by fear. Perhaps she is afraid that it will trigger her, and she will want to drink again. Perhaps the increase in the frequency of your use makes her fear that you will become addicted like her. Perhaps she is afraid that based on what she has learned in her recovery, she cannot respect you if you use (which is how I interpret her "I love you less" comment). Perhaps she is afraid that it will create a rift in your relationship, which it seems to be doing already.
As is the case in any relationship, what seems most important to me here is that we keep lines of communication open. Sometimes compromise takes patience and time, and just because something has been discussed or even settled once doesn't mean it cannot be re-examined again and again until both parties are satisfied. Best of luck.
I truly believe I will not, however. Especially now, as I am learning how fragile sobriety is to a RA, in this case one whom I love.
Thanks for your post.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Guess it depends on why she's doing it. If it's for her own well-being, then it's a boundary. If it's "for his own good" then it's controlling. *shrug* Guess only she could answer that question.
That's the thing. I love my wife, but I have no doubt she is a judgmental person. No one's perfect, obviously. This one is a sticky situation because the issue of my marijuana use conflicts with both her struggle for sobriety AND her personal preferences/opinions.
Where one ends and the other begins is the source of a lot of confusion, speculation, and, in the worst moments, resentment.
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Originally Posted by newwings
I've got a real interest in this thread, as I am the recovering alcoholic, and my hubby is the pot smoker (as well as a bottle of red wine a night). I have to say, I sympathize with your partner. I have never really been a pot smoker - but I do smoke cigarettes - but with him smoking around me, I have had the thought of 'hmm, I've done so very well quitting booze, well done me..but something is missing - I could do THAT instead'. It's a gnarly thought that bugs me.
Also, I get annoyed that I am putting so much time, effort and commitment into staying sober and he is still doing exactly as he pleases. I quit drinking for many reasons, and one of them was to improve our relationship, which was going quickly down the pan, mostly because of my attitude when I was drinking. Now he spends his nights buzzed on pot and playing his guitar for hours on end, and I have to stay away. The space between us has never been bigger.
Not only that..he's a boring old sod after a couple of joints. He talks AT me for hours on end, it's not a conversation and it's dull, all about himself with no attempt at finding out my opinion on anything at all. It's either nonsense, or stuff I have no interest in or technical guitar/work stuff that he knows is beyond my understanding. I don't want to spend my sober time listening to the stoned ramblings of someone who is completely self obsessed anymore - it was easier when I was drinking as I wasn't completely present either.
So, to sum it up, I also love him less each time he does it. It may be a mix of resentment, jealousy and dissatisfaction, but ultimately I feel, it's because I'm now sober and I'm sad that I'm leaving him behind.
Also, I get annoyed that I am putting so much time, effort and commitment into staying sober and he is still doing exactly as he pleases. I quit drinking for many reasons, and one of them was to improve our relationship, which was going quickly down the pan, mostly because of my attitude when I was drinking. Now he spends his nights buzzed on pot and playing his guitar for hours on end, and I have to stay away. The space between us has never been bigger.
Not only that..he's a boring old sod after a couple of joints. He talks AT me for hours on end, it's not a conversation and it's dull, all about himself with no attempt at finding out my opinion on anything at all. It's either nonsense, or stuff I have no interest in or technical guitar/work stuff that he knows is beyond my understanding. I don't want to spend my sober time listening to the stoned ramblings of someone who is completely self obsessed anymore - it was easier when I was drinking as I wasn't completely present either.
So, to sum it up, I also love him less each time he does it. It may be a mix of resentment, jealousy and dissatisfaction, but ultimately I feel, it's because I'm now sober and I'm sad that I'm leaving him behind.
You are absolutely someone I want to be talking to.
Question: do you think a compromise would improve your situation? If he were to do things like: smoke less, not smoke around you, become an active partner in your sobriety, etc., would that help?
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Originally Posted by kittykitty
Wow, newwings, what a crappy situation. Congratulations on staying the course, and doing what it best for you.
I also, dated a man that always smoked pot. Every day. I found him lazy, messy, irresponsible, and boring. He never wanted to go out and socialize. Dishes were left in the sink for days at a time (we didn't live together, you KNOW that ain't happenin under my roof ). His couch had a permanent dent in it. Seriously. A dent from where he sat, usually slept because he would pass out after eating ice cream at midnight. What a turn off.
It's just not fun being around it, unless you are doing it. That's the simple truth for me.
I also, dated a man that always smoked pot. Every day. I found him lazy, messy, irresponsible, and boring. He never wanted to go out and socialize. Dishes were left in the sink for days at a time (we didn't live together, you KNOW that ain't happenin under my roof ). His couch had a permanent dent in it. Seriously. A dent from where he sat, usually slept because he would pass out after eating ice cream at midnight. What a turn off.
It's just not fun being around it, unless you are doing it. That's the simple truth for me.
* the dishes
* laundry
* cleaning the bathroom
* straightening up my house
* making a mix CD/playlist for the wife
I don't think one has to be completely selfish, self-absorbed or lazy while high. Big excuse if you ask me.
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I see your point...
...but I disagree with it. She can't say the same about her drinking because she can't moderate her drinking-- at all. Nor can she moderate use of pot. She can't moderate use of any drug-- she's an addict/alcoholic.
That's the difference and it's a big one.
The "I'll do what I want" factor has worked very well for us because we respect it. The only time it isn't respected is around the use of drugs and alcohol by our resident addict/alcoholic.
But, in the OPs case based on what he's posted I believe that what this woman is really doing is exerting dominance and control, NOT setting boundaries she needs in order to live. I've seen it over and over again with alcoholics and addicts early in recovery-- many become insufferable control freaks, fairly righteous, resentful, and barely tolerable-- kind of like a codependent with control issues which may resonate with some of us here on this board.
It goes to each of us living our lives on life's terms, and staying out of each other's business. When there is conflict about what is and what isn't each other's business we talk about it and, thus far 13 years in, things seem to be improving.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
P.s. I really believe the tough **** thing for her, and for me. If I don't like her decisions unrelated to drugs and alcohol, than tough **** for me too. If she doesn't like mine but I'm not abusing drugs or alcohol, then tough **** for her. That's why it isn't an issue for us, though we have many issues-- I don't flaunt it, but if we are out and I want to have a beer I have it because I want to and I can. Anything else would be codependant and feeding the dynamic of the disease.
That's the difference and it's a big one.
The "I'll do what I want" factor has worked very well for us because we respect it. The only time it isn't respected is around the use of drugs and alcohol by our resident addict/alcoholic.
But, in the OPs case based on what he's posted I believe that what this woman is really doing is exerting dominance and control, NOT setting boundaries she needs in order to live. I've seen it over and over again with alcoholics and addicts early in recovery-- many become insufferable control freaks, fairly righteous, resentful, and barely tolerable-- kind of like a codependent with control issues which may resonate with some of us here on this board.
It goes to each of us living our lives on life's terms, and staying out of each other's business. When there is conflict about what is and what isn't each other's business we talk about it and, thus far 13 years in, things seem to be improving.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
P.s. I really believe the tough **** thing for her, and for me. If I don't like her decisions unrelated to drugs and alcohol, than tough **** for me too. If she doesn't like mine but I'm not abusing drugs or alcohol, then tough **** for her. That's why it isn't an issue for us, though we have many issues-- I don't flaunt it, but if we are out and I want to have a beer I have it because I want to and I can. Anything else would be codependant and feeding the dynamic of the disease.
Originally Posted by phineas
Your wife can say the same about her drinking, how will that benefit the marriage?
I don't know about others, but "I'll do what I want because I want and if she has an issue with then tough *****" doesn't sound like the ideal relationship to me, regardless of addictions and recovery.
I don't know about others, but "I'll do what I want because I want and if she has an issue with then tough *****" doesn't sound like the ideal relationship to me, regardless of addictions and recovery.
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She can't say the same about her drinking because she can't moderate her drinking-- at all. Nor can she moderate use of pot. She can't moderate use of any drug-- she's an addict/alcoholic.
I pretty much agree with everything you post, Cyrano, but I do not agree with this. Many alcoholics have a problem with alcohol but not with any other drug. I am able to take any prescribed medication as directed. I have never abused medication. I have never had any desire to take any kind of other drug. The only thing I have a problem with is alcohol.
I pretty much agree with everything you post, Cyrano, but I do not agree with this. Many alcoholics have a problem with alcohol but not with any other drug. I am able to take any prescribed medication as directed. I have never abused medication. I have never had any desire to take any kind of other drug. The only thing I have a problem with is alcohol.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
She can't say the same about her drinking because she can't moderate her drinking-- at all. Nor can she moderate use of pot. She can't moderate use of any drug-- she's an addict/alcoholic.
I pretty much agree with everything you post, Cyrano, but I do not agree with this. Many alcoholics have a problem with alcohol but not with any other drug. I am able to take any prescribed medication as directed. I have never abused medication. I have never had any desire to take any kind of other drug. The only thing I have a problem with is alcohol.
I pretty much agree with everything you post, Cyrano, but I do not agree with this. Many alcoholics have a problem with alcohol but not with any other drug. I am able to take any prescribed medication as directed. I have never abused medication. I have never had any desire to take any kind of other drug. The only thing I have a problem with is alcohol.
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A lot of alcoholics do, but not all of us. You could put a pile of every kind of drug imaginable on a table in front of me and I would have zero desire to touch any of them. Just never have had any interest. Set one beer amongst all that, and that's what I'll be interested in.
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There have been posts at one time or another about having a little compassion for our Alcoholic's.
The more this thread keeps coming back to her working her sobriety for over 2 years versus why can't I get high leads me to feel that little compassion is actually being given.
Who am I to assume she's not setting boundaries and who am I to believe she's trying to manipulate and control?
Edit: It's my opinion that smoking around her or not is a factor here. So a compromise based on "where" you get high holds little water.
The more this thread keeps coming back to her working her sobriety for over 2 years versus why can't I get high leads me to feel that little compassion is actually being given.
Who am I to assume she's not setting boundaries and who am I to believe she's trying to manipulate and control?
Edit: It's my opinion that smoking around her or not is a factor here. So a compromise based on "where" you get high holds little water.
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Right...like I said before, this is more of a power struggle. You've said that for a long time you haven't felt like an equal in the relationship. Perhaps you feel like she generally makes the rules or gets her way or whatever. The pot thing is just where you've decided to say, Hey! Wait a minute! I believe the main issue here goes a lot deeper than you smoking a joint once in a while.
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