Smokig Pot in a Marriage with a Recovering Alcoholic
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Yeah, like a milestone b-day. The reason I ask is it seems like I go through major life changes around my "big" b-days.
Also, I read over my posts and they do sound a little harsh when reading so I want to say they are probably reading harsher than I meant them to. I am really in a chipper mood today so probably blabbing too much. I didn't want you to think I was being mean or a hard-a$$ or anything. Hope you aren't / weren't offended
Also, I read over my posts and they do sound a little harsh when reading so I want to say they are probably reading harsher than I meant them to. I am really in a chipper mood today so probably blabbing too much. I didn't want you to think I was being mean or a hard-a$$ or anything. Hope you aren't / weren't offended
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I don't know, I don't really understand the part about wanting to know if you smoke. I mean, if it were me (and, at one time, it was) who didn't especially like my husband's pot smoking, I'd say well, just don't do it in the house or around the kids. I didn't need to know when he did it, I knew he did it and I didn't, but I did drink quite a bit of beer and he didn't, so it wouldn't really have been fair to say you can't smoke but I can still drink.
I don't really see pot smoking as that big a deal, so long as someone isn't smoking all the time. I think it should be legalized and taxed just like cigarettes, and more and more places are allowing police to write tickets instead of arresting someone for a small amount. Oh well, I'm rambling.
Edit to add the point I forgot to make
: Maybe she's a little jealous that you still have your pot but she doesn't have her booze. I'm not saying that's true, but sometimes when one quits an addiction, they don't like it if their spouse continues using or drinking or whatever. Just a thought.
I don't really see pot smoking as that big a deal, so long as someone isn't smoking all the time. I think it should be legalized and taxed just like cigarettes, and more and more places are allowing police to write tickets instead of arresting someone for a small amount. Oh well, I'm rambling.
Edit to add the point I forgot to make
: Maybe she's a little jealous that you still have your pot but she doesn't have her booze. I'm not saying that's true, but sometimes when one quits an addiction, they don't like it if their spouse continues using or drinking or whatever. Just a thought.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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If I had to make a choice between weed and my wife, I choose my wife. But I wish it was that simple. A big issue in our relationship in general is my not feeling like I am treated as an equal (another, longer story). I have bent, compromised and in some cases sacrificed, and this is basically the only thing I am asking her to compromise on in return.
I don't know if I think this is manipulation on her part, but leaning no. I think she is looking for the ideal setup for her continued sobriety, which I respect. In reading a lot about this issue and realizing every individual in recovery has his/her own needs, strategy, struggles, etc., though, it seems she has a stricter sense of 'limiting factors' than others. This isn't necessarily unfair of her to feel, and it isn't necessarily unfair of me to feel sad and distant in return.
I don't know if I think this is manipulation on her part, but leaning no. I think she is looking for the ideal setup for her continued sobriety, which I respect. In reading a lot about this issue and realizing every individual in recovery has his/her own needs, strategy, struggles, etc., though, it seems she has a stricter sense of 'limiting factors' than others. This isn't necessarily unfair of her to feel, and it isn't necessarily unfair of me to feel sad and distant in return.
I really have to hand it to you, you're handling all of this very well, I say. You're a greater man than I and this has made me realize there is no way I could be in a relationship with a RA, or probably with ANYONE right now. I can imagine, in full living color, what years of living with a practicing A who now is so focused on themselves STILL, even for for recovery, would do to me. Oye it would be constant work to balance out my resentment with compromise.
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Originally Posted by Seenet 
I think she is looking for the ideal setup for her continued sobriety, which I respect. In reading a lot about this issue and realizing every individual in recovery has his/her own needs, strategy, struggles, etc., though, it seems she has a stricter sense of 'limiting factors' than others. This isn't necessarily unfair of her to feel, and it isn't necessarily unfair of me to feel sad and distant in return.
I've been clean/sober almost 21 years now, and I have boundaries.
I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction. She is no longer welcome in my home. I also will not talk to her on the phone when she's zoned out on xanax. She was a daily pot smoker for 15 years, but hasn't smoked in 3 years as she gets popped with random UA's due to probation.
If she were still smoking pot, I'd have nothing to do with her when she's stoned. I have very limited contact with her as it is because we are worlds apart.
My home, my life, consists of no drugs, no alcohol, and being around people who are 100% present. I have nothing in common with folks who use, whether it be active addiction, or recreationally.
My life is 180 degrees from where it used to be.
I don't apologize to anyone for the way that I live my life. I worked damned hard to maintain 20+ years of continuous sobriety, and it's worked for me.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
You're quite the sport Seenet! And I'm glad you have thick skin, this is a great thread that could have taken a nasty turn a couple times but didn't.
Let me set the room for you just a bit. Lots of folk that post here are living /have lived with an active addict that has no plans to seek sobriety. Sounds like you missed that part of the movie. You are on the other side of the seemingly impenetrable sobriety barrier and have what a lot here would wish for, a sober partner committed to working a solid recovery plan.. or at least that's the impression I get.
I think if you had seen the first part of that movie your perspective would be a little different maybe? Hats off to ya for taking on a relationship with a recovering addict, you will have additional challenges because of it. It can be a life time struggle to remain sober.. you ready for that?
Do you guys have kids?
Let me set the room for you just a bit. Lots of folk that post here are living /have lived with an active addict that has no plans to seek sobriety. Sounds like you missed that part of the movie. You are on the other side of the seemingly impenetrable sobriety barrier and have what a lot here would wish for, a sober partner committed to working a solid recovery plan.. or at least that's the impression I get.
I think if you had seen the first part of that movie your perspective would be a little different maybe? Hats off to ya for taking on a relationship with a recovering addict, you will have additional challenges because of it. It can be a life time struggle to remain sober.. you ready for that?
Do you guys have kids?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 63
My experience is that my RAH is way less tolerate of any bad habits (i don't drink/smoke pot) that i have then i was of living with his addiction for 14 years. That seemed unfair at first but it was MY choice to stay with him.
He would also look at my flaws when he was struggling with his sobriety. Such as i'm not religious enough and i was such a heathen because i listened to rock music.
She could have a genuine complaint about the pot but i would take in the whole picture that if you give up pot would she replace it with something else that she doesn't like. Say you give up pot and gain 15 pounds and she finds you are a empty love cup again. Your pretty much back to square one.
He would also look at my flaws when he was struggling with his sobriety. Such as i'm not religious enough and i was such a heathen because i listened to rock music.
She could have a genuine complaint about the pot but i would take in the whole picture that if you give up pot would she replace it with something else that she doesn't like. Say you give up pot and gain 15 pounds and she finds you are a empty love cup again. Your pretty much back to square one.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Edit to add the point I forgot to make
: Maybe she's a little jealous that you still have your pot but she doesn't have her booze. I'm not saying that's true, but sometimes when one quits an addiction, they don't like it if their spouse continues using or drinking or whatever. Just a thought.But then I am playing the resentment game, honestly.
I hate that that last sentence is true.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Also, I read over my posts and they do sound a little harsh when reading so I want to say they are probably reading harsher than I meant them to. I am really in a chipper mood today so probably blabbing too much. I didn't want you to think I was being mean or a hard-a$$ or anything. Hope you aren't / weren't offended
As I said earlier, I'm glad you are continuing to post, because I learn most from perspectives that are different than my own.
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Posts: 64
Originally Posted by transformyself
I really have to hand it to you, you're handling all of this very well, I say. You're a greater man than I and this has made me realize there is no way I could be in a relationship with a RA, or probably with ANYONE right now. I can imagine, in full living color, what years of living with a practicing A who now is so focused on themselves STILL, even for for recovery, would do to me. Oye it would be constant work to balance out my resentment with compromise.
It felt cathartic to read that line I bolded.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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I agree with whoever said this is a power struggle. From what you've posted, it doesn't seem to be really about the pot at all. It's about control. She wants to control you and you don't want to be controlled.
As a reformed control freak, I can tell you that most often fear is behind the need to control.
Unfortunately, traditional marriage counseling tends to focus more on compromise and agreements than getting to the root of the issues. Does your marriage counselor have any experience with addiction/codependency issues? If not, maybe look for someone who understands the dynamics better. I don't know if your wife has codependency issues, but a lot of alcoholics do. And the need to control is big with us codependents.
L
As a reformed control freak, I can tell you that most often fear is behind the need to control.
Unfortunately, traditional marriage counseling tends to focus more on compromise and agreements than getting to the root of the issues. Does your marriage counselor have any experience with addiction/codependency issues? If not, maybe look for someone who understands the dynamics better. I don't know if your wife has codependency issues, but a lot of alcoholics do. And the need to control is big with us codependents.
L
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
You're quite the sport Seenet! And I'm glad you have thick skin, this is a great thread that could have taken a nasty turn a couple times but didn't.
Let me set the room for you just a bit. Lots of folk that post here are living /have lived with an active addict that has no plans to seek sobriety. Sounds like you missed that part of the movie. You are on the other side of the seemingly impenetrable sobriety barrier and have what a lot here would wish for, a sober partner committed to working a solid recovery plan.. or at least that's the impression I get.
I think if you had seen the first part of that movie your perspective would be a little different maybe? Hats off to ya for taking on a relationship with a recovering addict, you will have additional challenges because of it. It can be a life time struggle to remain sober.. you ready for that?
Do you guys have kids?
Let me set the room for you just a bit. Lots of folk that post here are living /have lived with an active addict that has no plans to seek sobriety. Sounds like you missed that part of the movie. You are on the other side of the seemingly impenetrable sobriety barrier and have what a lot here would wish for, a sober partner committed to working a solid recovery plan.. or at least that's the impression I get.
I think if you had seen the first part of that movie your perspective would be a little different maybe? Hats off to ya for taking on a relationship with a recovering addict, you will have additional challenges because of it. It can be a life time struggle to remain sober.. you ready for that?
Do you guys have kids?
I'm learning now.
If I saw the first part of the movie, I'm sure that would have changed my perspective. I wish I had now. No DVR on life, though, LOL.
And yes, we have small children. I'm sounding like kind of a mess now.
(For the record, I never use around my kids or when I have responsibilities to them, which is to almost all the time. The pot is for my 'night off'.)
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Yes. Good thread and challenging. Jazzman makes a powerful point. You luckily missed a big section of the movie. I didn't. I sat through the whole damn thing and it sucked. I no longer have the same feelings about weed and booze and drugs as I once did many years ago.
My wife recently achieved 30 days of sobriety. Less than a month ago, I was sitting in my lawyers office wondering how I could get my son into a safe environment with me.
Just like Freedom1990 relates after 21 years of clean/sober living, boundaries are very firm. I've found our double winners posting on this site to be an unbelievable source of solid information. They've seen both sides of the fence and lived to talk about it.
The biggest thing I learned when I started posting here is that I have to work on my own issues. Codependency, anger or whatever it is. I have to work on my stuff. It sounds like your wife is currently working on hers and yes, what I wouldn't give to have married someone who never was an alcoholic or at least see my current RAW working on 2 years of sobriety.
FWIW, I love music too. I love it so much that I enrolled in guitar lessons. The dopamine spikes I get from it are a great, all natural and healthy.
My wife recently achieved 30 days of sobriety. Less than a month ago, I was sitting in my lawyers office wondering how I could get my son into a safe environment with me.
Just like Freedom1990 relates after 21 years of clean/sober living, boundaries are very firm. I've found our double winners posting on this site to be an unbelievable source of solid information. They've seen both sides of the fence and lived to talk about it.
The biggest thing I learned when I started posting here is that I have to work on my own issues. Codependency, anger or whatever it is. I have to work on my stuff. It sounds like your wife is currently working on hers and yes, what I wouldn't give to have married someone who never was an alcoholic or at least see my current RAW working on 2 years of sobriety.
FWIW, I love music too. I love it so much that I enrolled in guitar lessons. The dopamine spikes I get from it are a great, all natural and healthy.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Good. I understand Mister. I'm too selfish. I want to do what I want, when I want to. I spent 40 years doing what I thought others wanted me to do, then resenting them for it. Now, I work to be clear with my boundaries and respectfully hold them. It's still a balancing act, so much so that I dont' have the energy to be in a relationship, other than my kids, business partners, collegues and friends. Romantic stuff is too hard and I'm not responsible enough to be allowed to have one. Grounded, essentially.
And no, you are not a mess. You are a responsible parent.
And no, you are not a mess. You are a responsible parent.
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Shellcrusher, thanks for that post. I'm glad to hear your wife made it 30 days, and I obviously hope that continues. When I read/hear stories like yours, I feel selfish for posting about wanting to smoke dope.
Perhaps I can piece together some of the hard parts I missed by proxy.
Hang in there.
Perhaps I can piece together some of the hard parts I missed by proxy.
Hang in there.
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You're welcome, seenet. It was hard for me to post the way I did.
I literally live one day at a time.
I've smoked my fair share of weed back in the day. Knowing what I know now, life is too short for those types of breaks. My best "me time" is when I get to read bed time stories to my son. The lights are mute, the AC is working. The boy is clean, safe and snuggled in for the story. We read books that are helping me remember the good life lessons and it hits me that I'm getting the chance to pass along the good stuff to my flesh and blood.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish. You'll find after reading more stories that focusing on you is top priority. Just speaking from my own experiences there's a much better way to be.
I literally live one day at a time.
I've smoked my fair share of weed back in the day. Knowing what I know now, life is too short for those types of breaks. My best "me time" is when I get to read bed time stories to my son. The lights are mute, the AC is working. The boy is clean, safe and snuggled in for the story. We read books that are helping me remember the good life lessons and it hits me that I'm getting the chance to pass along the good stuff to my flesh and blood.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish. You'll find after reading more stories that focusing on you is top priority. Just speaking from my own experiences there's a much better way to be.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
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Originally Posted by Seenet
I'm sounding like kind of a mess now.
But I'm at a very different place in life. My kids are older, empty nester, my 1st career is winding down with my eye on my second career that's a lot less stressful.
I'm with LTD, a good qualified therapist can do wonders with two willing participants.
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It's a tough issue.
I felt it wasn't fair to ask my husband to keep all booze out of the house and not drink.
We did make a compromise that liquor would be kept locked up when he is not having a drink. He has a large collection of hard liquor: I simply could not live with that stuff in an open liquor cabinet, I would not have been able to stay sober. Vodka bottles have a tendency to talk to me. And while he can drink a bottle of whiskey over a period of months, I can drink one over a period of hours.
So, I locked it. He is okay with that. He is not an alcoholic and only drinks on weekends and holidays. It is not a problem for me if he drinks a bottle of wine with dinner.
What is a problem? His mood alteration. We used to drink together, or more accurately, get drunk together on weekends and either have ridiculous discussions that we couldn't remember or arguments. Mostly arguments. He still tries to do that (our of habit, I guess) when he drinks sometimes and it is something I refuse to participate with. It doesn't happen a lot and if it does I go out to an evening AA meeting or occupy myself somewhere else in the house.
Seenet, is it possible your mood is altered by the mj longer than you think? I used to smoke weed and it could be hours, up to 12 hours, before I felt I was coming down from the stuff. Maybe your wife sees a change in your behavior the next morning, after you have had your evening of smoking?
Maybe the issue your wife has is not that you want to smoke, but what happens to you when you do?
I felt it wasn't fair to ask my husband to keep all booze out of the house and not drink.
We did make a compromise that liquor would be kept locked up when he is not having a drink. He has a large collection of hard liquor: I simply could not live with that stuff in an open liquor cabinet, I would not have been able to stay sober. Vodka bottles have a tendency to talk to me. And while he can drink a bottle of whiskey over a period of months, I can drink one over a period of hours.
So, I locked it. He is okay with that. He is not an alcoholic and only drinks on weekends and holidays. It is not a problem for me if he drinks a bottle of wine with dinner.
What is a problem? His mood alteration. We used to drink together, or more accurately, get drunk together on weekends and either have ridiculous discussions that we couldn't remember or arguments. Mostly arguments. He still tries to do that (our of habit, I guess) when he drinks sometimes and it is something I refuse to participate with. It doesn't happen a lot and if it does I go out to an evening AA meeting or occupy myself somewhere else in the house.
Seenet, is it possible your mood is altered by the mj longer than you think? I used to smoke weed and it could be hours, up to 12 hours, before I felt I was coming down from the stuff. Maybe your wife sees a change in your behavior the next morning, after you have had your evening of smoking?
Maybe the issue your wife has is not that you want to smoke, but what happens to you when you do?
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Originally Posted by littlefish
Seenet, is it possible your mood is altered by the mj longer than you think? I used to smoke weed and it could be hours, up to 12 hours, before I felt I was coming down from the stuff. Maybe your wife sees a change in your behavior after you smoke the next morning, after you have had your evening of smoking?
Maybe the issue your wife has is not that you want to smoke, but what happens to you when you do?
I think it's more the concept of knowing I am high and that I have it on our property that are the biggest issues.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Well, having it on your property is a legitimate concern by any measure. It is illegal, and I think at the very least you should not involve her by having it on your property (or in your vehicle to which she has access).
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