m1k3

Seenet, speaking from my own experience at recovery from my AW all I can say is that as I move down this path I can see that I am changing. What was fine a month ago no longer is. I am managing my recovery in a way that is best for me and she is managing her own recovery in a way that is best for her.

I think the real question isn't her recovery but your relationship. Only you know what your boundaries are and what you are looking for in a relationship and whether or not your needs are being met.

Your friend,

Seenet

I hope everyone read's kittykitty's post. So many great points.

In response, her being on the couch, or more accurately, off to bed, is actually her choice, not mine. I have invited her to be around me or not, and she chooses not to be. Out of respect of her, I have always chosen my agreed upon time to smoke on nights when we are not together, or she has pre-decided to go to bed early. Our rule has been that I tell her afterwards.

I also do not want a relationship where we are constantly in separate places. Which is why I had been OK with the 1/week compromise. She has me 100% the rest of the week.

But you say as an addict, she is concerned with any desire for me to increase, and fears where it could go. That is an excellent point to consider. At present, I do not want it any more than that for the most part, and am at peace with curtailing additional desires in the spirit of a compromise that works for us both.

Programmatic

Well, I just got through reading this entire thread and the recurring thought in my head follows:

Tradition 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal progress depends upon unity.

HTH

Freedom1990

I think some open honest dialog between the two of you is a start in looking at the current situation.

I wondered if there weren't other issues, and this was just the thing to bring it all to a head.

I'm sorry things got a bit heated in this thread, but it does happen from time to time. I'm glad you came back to read and post!

Whatever you and your wife decide, I sincerely wish both of you the best.

Seenet

I think these 2 paragraphs accurately describe her perspective, so I am hoping you keep posting on this thread. I think it will help me.

Yes, she has said she is less attracted to me.

Yes, I am complicating the issue.

I'm not sure I agree that I am being defensive, but she has told me she feels the same way. I am simply trying to be as honest as possible.

I don't NEED to smoke pot. But I really like it, same as many folks really like having a couple beers, glasses of wine, etc.

So yeah, I guess I care enough about that to 'defend' my right to do it. I'm trying to find a middle ground for us both; perhaps it isn't possible.

Shellcrusher

hmm
Interesting post.
My exposure to alcohol and addictions of any nature and the depths of it's destructive forces, simply told me that I don't want to do that to myself. I don't want to be where my RAW currently is. Hell, I have a problem with tobacco and I use a ton of it!

m1k3

Man, tobacco is some nasty stuff to quit. Been 13 years for me. I dipped snuff. I have to admit there are still times when I get cravings and the last few days has been one of them.

Shellcrusher

Yep. Dipper here.
You're a stronger man than me. It was about a 1.5 months ago when I started back up on dip. Did it for 22 years. Quit for a few. Found stresses of life almost unbearable and started back up.

That said, my best friend never stopped. We'd hang out. I hadn't chewed for a year or more. My choice never stopped him but his choice sure did weigh on me. Guess we all know the outcome of that.

Old addiction. People around me doing it. Stresses of life. I'm back on the big T.

Ponder

Not sure if this is an issue with your wife at all, but what would scare the poo out of me is the legal/illegal ramifications of it all. I don't know the specifics for my state, but I know they are pretty severe to where even a small amount would land your behind in jail.

And yeah, I'm sure the DEA isn't going to come raid your house for the little bit you got, but what if it was in your car and you got pulled over some minor traffic violation? My ABF doesn't smoke it anymore, but he used to, and that's what happened to him one time. (this was before we hooked up) Anyways, that's what would give me the heebie jeebies about it.

XXXXXXXXXX

seenet,
I have the solution. Did you ever watch wife swap? Horrible show, I know. You and I could do it though, we would be together and our alcoholics could live happily ever after too LMAO.

in all seriousness I understand your problem. I have smoked recreationally on and off for almost 20 years. I definately don't have a problem. There have been times I put it down alltogether. Now I will partake once or twice a week. Aside from legal issues, I think I am responsible about it. It is no where near my child, doesn't affect my job, etc.

My exabf knew about this when we met. He would smoke with me. It was a good replacement for alcohol for him because he would never smoke then get angry like he does when he drinks. There was no name calling, no holes in walls, no blackouts, no fights. I would notice though that i would have to hide my "stash" because it was never enough, he would not put it down after a couple of hits. I'd go to get it and it would be GONE.

I did stop for awhile while he when things got very bad with his alcoholism. And I did without while looking for a job, as I knew I would likely be tested.

My opinion while different from others here who I respect is a little different. I pot and alcohol are apples and oranges. The biggest issue here really is whether or not she needs you to stop and are you willing to? If you have to make a choice, would you choose her? Do you feel like she is using this as an excuse or trying to manipulate you?

Good luck. Right now I am learning to think with my head and not with my heart. Keep reading and posting here, you'll find that you aren't alone.

Jazzman

Ex tobacco smoker here too. 30 some years and quit cold turkey three years ago. It's a bitch but it can be done if you want it bad enough. I couldn't handle the stress of quitting while I was in the thick of the worst of times, it had to wait for my life to settle down.

Seenet you sound like a reasonable guy. Straight up man, why do you need to get high?

Learn2Live

OK, well, here are some thoughts, maybe something helps:

...I have a few "friends" who still partake. Here's what I find unattractive about it. They don't have much motivation in life compared to others, including me. Dope makes you dumb. And your teeth are probably yellow....

I don't NEED to drink alcohol either Seenet, and I really like it too, but I got to the point where I realized drinking it was holding me back in life, making me do dumb things (which someone ELSE had to convince me of), and making me make really, really stupid relationship decisions.

Listen, I've known LOTS of "alcoholics" and LOTS of "addicts" and LOTS of "casual users" of various substances, and there is one thing that is (1) Annoying and (2) A Clear Signal to Me that they have a problem: A person who tells ME he does not have a problem.

People who are not alcoholics do not walk around talking about whether or not they are not alcoholics. And people who are not addicts do not walk around wondering whether not they are addicts. I personally can't say whether or not you have a problem with substance use.

What I can say is that if I keep telling a guy what my issue with him is (and honestly, I do pick my battles and remain silent about most things) and he keeps ignoring me in any manner (denying it, walking away, silent treatment, arguing, picking fights, etc) and he just keeps doing what he wants to do, I give it some time and then I dump his a$$. Because I've been doing this recovery thing for quite a while now and MY peace and MY serenity HAS TO be number one for me. What gets me about these guys who just ignore what I tell them is that it is like it came out of left field that I left. Like they did not see it coming. -- I told you for a year and a half and all you did was argue with me and then argue with me that you WEREN'T arguing with me, and NOW? Now that I've said "Enough, I'm through," NOW you want me to marry you? -- As if that is going to fix everything. See, they don't listen and THAT is the problem. But in the end it's not my problem if you don't want to listen and deny that you are not listening.

Here's my suggestion: Get YOUR OWN therapist, not a couple's counselor. Don't force her to have to spend her own precious time to assist you in addressing YOUR problem. OWN what is YOUR'S. YOUR use of substances, which is making your wife NOT attracted to you, is YOUR problem. Stop talking to your spouse about it. Stop telling YOUR SPOUSE that you don't have a problem with pot because every time you tell her that, or that you want to compromise or trade off, find a happy medium, what you are telling her is "I don't care what is important to you, I don't care about this relationship, and I don't care whether or not you are attracted to me." And I hate to say this but not addressing sexual attraction in a relationship, ESPECIALLY a marriage, is a recipe for disaster. OWN the "problem dude. Ask her out to dinner tomorrow, doesn't matter where. And just tell her, "I hear you, this is a problem for you, and I will own it and I will work on it." And then, work on it. But don't expect points, or make her the "work on it boss." As long as a guy made an effort, I was happy. But do it for your SELF and your marriage. Not for HER.

Not sure if anything here is helpful to you but I hope maybe a word or two is. Question though, out of personal curiosity, are you close to a major birthday by chance?

Seenet

LOL at the swap idea, first of all.

To answer your questions, it seems to me like she needs me to do it on her terms. She is able to say when the "cup" is "emptying," and when it is "replenished." There is no exact science, and since it's so personal and arbitrary, I can't make heads or tails of when it's actually OK and when it isn't. Long winded answer: she is not asking me to stop completely, just do it very sparingly, and on her terms.

If I had to make a choice between weed and my wife, I choose my wife. But I wish it was that simple. A big issue in our relationship in general is my not feeling like I am treated as an equal (another, longer story). I have bent, compromised and in some cases sacrificed, and this is basically the only thing I am asking her to compromise on in return.

I don't know if I think this is manipulation on her part, but leaning no. I think she is looking for the ideal setup for her continued sobriety, which I respect. In reading a lot about this issue and realizing every individual in recovery has his/her own needs, strategy, struggles, etc., though, it seems she has a stricter sense of 'limiting factors' than others. This isn't necessarily unfair of her to feel, and it isn't necessarily unfair of me to feel sad and distant in return.

Seenet

I'll try as best I can to answer your question, but I'll be a broken record and say again it is not a need, but a strong desire. I believe I have the right to negotiate the terms of things I have a strong desire for, because: a) everyone should, b) there aren't many of those for me, and c) I believe I do a great job of accommodating her for the things she has a strong desire for.

But maybe it is not that easy, because I am living with a recovering alcoholic. Maybe it's not fair for me to think of things in those terms above. That is why I posted this, trying to fully grasp the answer to that question.

So why do I have a strong desire? I'm a lot happier with my life with the occasional night of unwinding. That is not to say it always has to be with a substance, but since I can handle it, I prefer it that way from time to time. I'm a big music guy -- I got to a lot of shows, listen to albums quite a bit, etc. -- and pot is a good companion to this part of my life. Also, it's fun. I have fun doing it.

My life mostly follows this pattern: family stuff, work, cleaning up the house, sleep a little, back to work, family stuff, responsibilities, etc. The highs help relax me, center me, give me a positive buzz, and get through the pattern again. To repeat, I'm fine without it, but the occasional high is preferred.

Learn2Live

Trying to help you out here so don't get mad. Just take a look at what you are doing with your problem, instead of actually addressing it. You're using every trick in the book, every one I myself have used.

This is a complaint. You have a problem with the relationship but you want to use it in defense of your pot smoking. You are obfuscating the REAL issues in order to continue to do what it is YOU want to do, nevermind what anyone else in the relationship wants.

No you don't. You're contradicting yourself. No, you do not wish it was that simple. That is obvious. Just read your prior posts.

This is a rationalization. And you are using a complaint about the relationship to convince your own self. The ONLY thing? Really?

You're assigning the "bad" behavior to her and not accepting that you are also engaging in "bad" behavior. I don't think you are leaning "no" I think you are leaning "yes."

I don't think you do.

No she doesn't. You're finger-pointing. Oh, right, I forgot SHE is the one with the problem right? Because SHE is the alcoholic and YOU don't HAVE a problem. Right? Sorry, I can read between the lines and I guarantee you she can too.

"Fair" is for five-year olds Seneet.

Seenet

My responses in bold... more to come...

suki44883

This isn't really about smoking pot once in a while. It's a power struggle. There are deeper issues at work in your marriage. Have you considered marriage counseling?

Seenet

I am owning the problem. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night, and I'm going to to back.

I'm reading books right now on living with an alcoholic spouse.

I signed up on this board to read some other perspectives.

And most importantly, I'm talking with my wife daily about these issues. We had sex this morning, in fact.

Not sure about your major birthday question - do you mean like a milestone birthday this year, or a birthday coming up in general?

Seenet

Yes. We are in marriage counseling. She is in individual therapy as well. And I have gone to individual therapy myself.

Seenet

What is your problem exactly? You don't get to tell me how I feel. If I say what I am "leaning towards," you have no right to contradict that. I am being honest about my answers. Sorry you don't understand perspectives other than your own.

I guess I will take "dumb" self and clean my yellow teeth now.