transformyself

This makes me feel like vomiting.

I keep coming back to this thread, even though it triggers me so. Good job Transform.

I know you see this differently, that she is your wife and honesty is important, I get that too, but I see it as typical alcoholic controlling behavior/ resentment that can be held on to, brought up again and again and used in the future to blame and shame. It perpetuates itself ad nasuem or however that's spelled, and is exactly why I am not, and will never again be in a relationship with an A, recovering or not.

And yes, I know I'm projecting my situation onto yours. Here's my full disclosure:

My AH is cycling up right now, building his arsenal of resentment against me so he can tie one on and good. He's "abiding," by my boundary that he be sober to have the kids or be around us in any capacity, after his last binge. I've placed this boundary since I left him in 2009. He cycles through understanding it and admitting its' best for everyone, to resenting me, to cycling up his passive aggressive crap towards me, until his anger towards me, or work, or something is so unbearable he gets drunk again. And stays that way. Right now i have no compassion for him, I just hate him and wish to God I'd had the foresight to create children with someone stable, compassionate and not addicted to anything.

He is in no way recovering, or pretending to recover, but the mind games, the wrestling matches, like you're describing above are the reason I work so hard, fight so hard, to be detached from him. Being in a relationship with an A turns me inside out, like an emotional contortionist. I am only happy, only peaceful when I am completely detached emotionally from him, his accusations, his twists on reality. When I don't try to make sense of them, explain myself, or engage. Coupled that detachment with working on myself, and I'm one happy person.

This is a cycle he's repeated for the duration of our relationship and he continues it. I use to be his partner in this cycle: fighting, demanding, weeping. God it makes me sick to think of it. The time I wasted.

Today, I work as hard as I can to detach from his madness and not participate. For me, just engaging is so dangerous. It makes me crazy. Engaging with him twists my perception of myself, lays too much credibility on the madness of a drunk, and makes me a bad mommy.

I think you're different, though, because you seem to not be "triggered," as much as I am. Can I ask, did you grow up in an alcoholic home? I know no-ones family is perfect, but one of my observations is that Al anon and this wonderful place is very much populated by ACOA folks.

I'm also in a different place than you, because my marriage is over and we're just stuck dealing with each other until the kids are adults, so we're not in an active, committed relationship. These dynamics, the "paying for it now," dynamics are exactly why I have left the marriage physically and work to end it emotionally. Many days I'm successful. Today, not so much.

Not sure what the point of this all is. Sorry, i guess I should have just posted in a new thread, to not T/J you.

Hope you're having a good holiday, Mister.

jamaicamecrazy

"Today, I work as hard as I can to detach from his madness and not participate. For me, just engaging is so dangerous. It makes me crazy. Engaging with him twists my perception of myself, lays too much credibility on the madness of a drunk, and makes me a bad mommy."

I love this. This is exactly what happened to me last weekend. Well, not the mommy part because my kids are grown but the rest for sure. Thank You for expressing it so well, I will keep this posted somewhere to remind me.

Seenet

Again, thanks for sharing. And yes, I had a good holiday, and hope you did too.

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is basically over and you are just killing time until the kids are grown. That is exactly what I don't want for me, though sometimes it feels like we're headed that way.

In my case, it's more of a rollercoaster (and yes, I hate that cliche analogy as well), but it's accurate. Then again, I am just abstaining now, so the tension has kind of been swept under the rug, to use another cliche.

To answer your question, I don't believe I grew up in an alcoholic home, but am not 100% sure. My dad definitely got carried away form time to time when I was a kid, but he was young and has drank only socially for decades now. So I guess I'll say no to that one.

And I think my sense of being "triggered" is different than yours because I was never with my wife when she was active, and at least at this point, have not completely checked out of the relationship emotionally. I still want to make this work.

Brae

WOW!

Timing is amazing.

I have the same sort of struggle with my partner right now, except I am the recovering alcoholic and my partner is the pot smoker. I cant say what it right for you and your wife. I can tell you where I am at and what it may look like from the other side of the street.
When we met he was NOT smoking. I was drinking "socially". When he got off probation he began smoking every week or so. Then after we moved in together it became every evening, then a year later it was all day every day. He for some reason is able to still get things done and appear somewhat functioning. I then started drinking in part to deal with the helplessness I felt in the situation, trying to get him to quit, as any good alanon would do. lol Then we married and divorced. I drank alcoholically for 4 years during that time. At the end of the marriage I was 7 months sober.
6 months after the divorce we start seeing each other again, and being newly sober and quite naive I thought, oh I work a program, his addiction wont bother me. I can practice detachment with love when hes stoned. Well...its been about a year and half and during that time I started attending alanon...I can say that my boundaries around being involved in any way on a regular basis with someone who is checking out have changed dramatically. At first I was ok with it, I dont think I wanted to completely believe that it could STILL be affecting our relationship. A few months later then I told him..I just dont want to be around when you are high and that I thought maybe he could think about smoking less. That seemed pretty simple and he was willing. Let me say also that he has dramatically decreased his use and now uses three or four times a week. Through working my program and after many conversations with sponsors it is apparent to me that as an alcoholic it is detrimental to my serenity and well being to be around someone who is regularly (defined for me as more than once a month) altering themselves. It is also obvious to me now after watching him cycle in and out of using that it REALLY affects how he shows up in our relationship and I also have issue with that. So he has started therapy to deal with his addiction and I am attending alanon and working my own program and I am trying to leave him the dignity to come to this on his own before it affects my life so much that I have to end things. I hope it doesnt come to that. I find it very interesting that many people have talked about control issues. My partner has moments where he takes the stance that I am trying to control him and that hes afraid if he stops then what else will I demand of him. TO me this clearly indicates his own illness. I have explained I dont know how many times that this is about ME, and my health and the environment it takes to keep me sane and sober. Yes my boundary will affect our relationship but that isnt the crux of it.

Life certainly is messy. I am glad to be here. Thank the universe that tomorrow is another day....

transformyself

your situation is completely different than the one that has been discussed and beaten into the ground here.

I wish you well.

Brae

I believe there are some similar issues. Everyone can take what they like and leave the rest.
I only read the first 4 pages lol
Has there been some sort of resolution?
I really wish you all the best.

transformyself

Sorry, I should do what Desert Eyes says and stop talking to everyone else and support the original poster. Instead of trying to be the boss of everyone.