A back next door
 

Firstly i am in a flat with no front door so my only way in/out of the apartment is through the back yard. This is a shared yard with the A next door and his partner. This makes boundaries difficult.

Im really depressed about it today since i feel he 'got one over on me' yesterday. He doesnt knock at my door since i have set that boundary up but one of his friends did. I came to the door and of course ended up in conversation with the A who was in confrontational mood.

Although i tried to stay calm and rational and express my feelings[which i succeeded in all three] it was hard since he was clearly in a mood to provoke me either through wanting to or bloody mindedness or anger or shame or i dont know what.

He started making baseless accusations about me being a stalker since i once [before we fell out] knocked on his door asking to speak to a girl who was there. He was twisting the facts.

I wouldnt be too afraid push come to shove of fighting the guy if it comes to that but i would like to avoid a scrap really as i am trying to get stronger not get involved in a fight.

Yesterday i was reading my Adult Child of Alcoholic book educating my self. They often play music at what i would consider an unacceptable level but since i dont want to create a 'double standard' by knocking on their door to complain when i dont want them knocking on mine i have been tuning it out with some success. My ACOA book was talking about 'what you consider reasonable is owned by you not by everyone' so i figure ok maybe they have a different belief system. the music is not too loud so i can tune it out. If it gets too loud during the night i can always call the cops but there is no law for daytime noise in england

Before answering the door i had already escorted the A's friend out of my house after he wandered blithely in. I had been being sociable with this chap in the past and i had thought that keeping good relations with one of the A's friends wouldnt do me any harm. I had met this friend of the A well before the A came to move in next door.

Anyhow i just got a bit lost what with the A the A's friend, the As partner and the A's confrontation accusatory tone. Its like half of what he was saying was sort of valid [he was asking me not to tell people he had been evikted] but the manner of the man i mean it was all 'if you do this ill knock your block off sort of thing' and he was trying to make out that simply for asking about a girl i was somehow perverse. All rather hurtful.

I did my best to express myself 'i feel dissapointed to hear you make threats there is no need for that' sort of talk i gave him but he was on one.

One of the worst things is many people i tell say move. Ha like its that easy to move homes. I dont have any means to move for a year plus.

Anyhow i explained to the A's friend that i did not want him knocking on my door in the presence of the A. Ok boundary established thought i but no he knocked again. I was prepared i told him 'i have asked you once not to knock when your with the A so if you continue to do it i will presumb you are trying to irritate me or wont answer it'.

He wanted money. Another boundary issue. I refused the money then he wanted a hug.

The A next door had been issued with a eviction notice to be out by MAY 25 but he is overstaying and appealing through the courts. This whole situation is upsetting worrying and traumatising to me.

I shouldnt feel like this i know but i feel it awfully unfair how a horrible person like him has a better house than me [he actually has a front door where he can collect the mail i have to go outside my flat and to the front of the house to get mail] and a partner too whereas i am as ever single [actually im considering staying this way].

Im told ACA's tend to be impulive so i want this solved 'right away' but i feel pretty violated. I mean his threats were all conditional like 'if you do this i will' sort of thing but he was pretty hostile at me.

I have already had the police out twice in the past for him threatening me in various ways and no i cannot move before anyone asks.

So i do my best setting boundaries but with a shared back yard which i have to traverse and his foolish drunkard hangers on and loyal partner this is not going to be easy. I guess i will ignore the door in future when he is in the yard. Keep it locked. I have set boundaries now with his friend and the A has been told by the police to leave me alone.

I just feel so foolish for trying to be loyal to the A's friend who clearly is not worth it in his present drunkard borrow money from people state. Thats what the A's friend wanted when he knocked the second time borrowing money for alcohol

I feel angry too about the threats the A made to me yesterday, i guess i can express this to him if he confronts me again 'i feel angry with you about' sort of thing.

thanks for listening F&F and soberrecovery.com thanks for letting me share

Kevin,

I can sense you are wearing yourself out trying to maintain good relationships with these people. Sometimes, unfortunately, it is a waste of time, and your best move is to have absolutely no contact with them. Yes, you share the yard, and yes, they may try to intrude on you. You don't have to engage with them. You don't have to explain yourself or justify yourself.

If you don't want to answer the door, don't. You are allowed to ignore knocks at the door. If someone threatens you, you can report it to the police.

You don't have to engage--that is where you are getting frustrated and upset.

I too, would go no contact. By interacting with these people you are only upsetting yourself. Nothing positive will come from an interchange with them. Remember, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

Lexie well i think it was a mistake to try to keep good relations with the A's friend. He does not seem like a person that is capable of maintaining a healthy relationship so for that reason, and the fact that he has ignored my request not to knock i did explain i may no answer in future. So i wont.

If i receive a direct threat i may inform the police yes but as an ACA i tend to be very loyal, trustworthy, empathic and caring. i am gaining in self respect now though with my 5.5 months sober - despite him :) In any event yesterday i didnt FEEL that these 'if you do this i will do Y' sort of threats were to be concerned over. Actually my real concern now lexie is having a lady round absurd as this may seem. Goodness knows what a lady would think and how i would behave in her presence. Would i go all 'cave man' and try to assert myself

There is hope yes. Thankyou for your response.

The A reminds me alot off my father, thats the scariest thing my father during his drunk horrible argumentative days. The one thing that i dislike most is the invasion of personal space, like when someone gets right in your face. thats aggressive and something he did yesterday [i simple backed off away from him and continued to rationalize]

I would smack him in the mush if i needed to be really don't want to conduct myself so

But yes don't answer the door we are in agreement over.

As to don't engage this is something someone else has told me here. I guess because im ACA and had an abusive dad not engaging someone i find unnatural especially if they are angry. I would worry what they would do next! I'm pretty sure me dad wouldn't let us ignore him when he was mad! I do hope do don't think all of this is 'whinging' but i am ACA and trying to deal with all of this for the first time

god bless

kevin

Thanks dollydoo your right :) I have some records on :> hope your doing ok :)